Life With a Two Year Old

No one said it would be easy. We've all heard the term "terrible twos". I really don't like to think of them as "terrible" because it sounds so negative but I do feel it has been the hardest age for me to deal with so far. I've heard women say that the baby age is hard for them and others talk about how difficult it is to live with a teenager or preteen. I haven't experienced the latter two, so I can only speak for myself when I say, "The twos are hard!".

What is it about a two year old that makes them so difficult? Is it the shrill of their voice with every demanding request? Is it the cries of disappointment when things don't go their way? Is it their singlemindedness that makes them listen to no one? I know...I know...they are learning to assert themselves and it's a healthy part of growing up. It's the same determination they will use to try new things and learn everything they have to learn in life without giving up. I guess that's a good thing. Can you imagine a baby giving up before learning to walk? Mary (9 months) practices standing all day long and every time she lands on her bum, firmly I might add. Does this discourage her? Oh no, she goes through this repeatedly all day long. Practice, practice, practice. One day she will walk and it will be all because of her hard work. This is a task she has to learn on her own. And she will use this skill the rest of her life. We will take it for granted, but it really is monumental.

Just as Mary is learning to walk, Ben is learning to become independent. I'm not sure why it has to be done in such an emotional way, but I guess I would get frustrated too if I had a tough time communicating all my desires and had to rely heavily on others to fulfill all my needs (Oh wait a minute...that's why I'm frustrated all the time!). One book I relied on heavily during Sam's twos was "Raising Your Spirited Child" ( http://www.amazon.ca/exec/obidos/ASIN/0060923288/701-7614215-2717958 ). (I don't know how to do that fancy link thing when you click on the word and the site shows up). The full title is "Raising Your Spirited Child: A Guide for Parents Whose Child Is More Intense, Sensitive, Perceptice, Persistent and Energetic" ...by Mary Kurcinka . Don't you think that title applies to most two year olds? I do. But this book is for all ages. She's all about picking your battles and letting the child be who they are. I've unfortunately loaned the book out to so many people, I don't know where it is at the moment, however I do remember the main message that helped me most. These desires are real. They aren't doing it to tick us off. As parents, we are here to help them learn to deal with the struggles that come along with having their personality. We can't change who they are wired to be, but we can help them learn to live with it and grown from it. For example, Sam, my oldest is a very picky eater. My husband thinks that Sam is just being obstinant. When we go to other houses for a meal, sometimes Sam has to resort to bread and butter when he doesn't like anything on the menu. Is this fun for him? NO! One time I asked Sam about it and he said he wished he was not so picky. He doesn't like being this way. So giving him trouble about it isn't going to help him out. We are supposed to accept him where he is, but at the same time encourage him to grow by trying new foods. It will never be as easy for him as it is for our daughter, Abby. This is his own personality challenge. He might have to deal with being a picky eater for the rest of his life.

Each child will have their own challenges, so I think each one needs a different treatment. This can get sticky because kids are the rulers of being fair. Ben definitely gets different treatment in this house, to say he doesn't would be lying. But there is an understanding among the older two that he is learning and we can't hold him to the same standards. I'm a little more slack on the rules with him because to enforce each one would make this a very unhappy place to live. Gradually I elevate what I expect from him. Thank goodness I've done this before and I know that this can be done. We aren't setting bad habits for life. They gradually learn reason and control when consequences are given.

"Raising Your Spirited Child" helped me to take it easy and not sweat the small stuff. It helped me to realise that Ben needs me to be calm and steady to help him when he is at his emotional peak. They are afraid of their own emotions. We have to be that steady voice. I find the things that calm him and use them over and over. I'll do whatever it takes. Dora, Dora, Dora!!! It can't be a bad thing if it can take him from being a screaming maniac to a calm, thumb sucking, peaceful child. Sometimes he just needs to be held. So I do it.

I remember with Sam I would escalate with his emotions. We would be a mess!! I couldn't help him like that! Thank God I read that book. It doesn't take away the bad stages, just makes them easier to bear. So I will try to bear with Ben. He needs me to. This is one of the most important stages in his life. Easier times are ahead (I'll keep telling myself that) :-) .