Down Came the Rain

It rained a lot today. And it rained a lot last night...in my heart. I was tired, sad and teary last night. I haven' t cried since my Zoloft kicked in almost 4 months ago. I was mad that I was so tired and mad that I was so sad. I just wanted to go to bed and it was only 8:00! Why have I been so tired lately? I'm getting decent sleep at night...what is going on? So the worries set in. Am I getting depressed again? These were the things on my mind:

--Ben gave me a rough couple of days of crying, fits and whines. They were long days because Ted had meetings and got home late two nights in a row.
--Mary has wanted a lot of holding lately. She's been biting me and not having good nursings.
--I haven't started my period yet. This is late for me...could I be pregnant??
--I need to get out.
--I need to catch up on my albums.
--I need a break from Ben.

Ted heard me out and suggested I call my Doctor today. Then I called my sister, Lisa. I love her. And of course I love Ted. They know me so well and can take each problem and help come up with a game plan. Here's my game plan:

--Call the doctor--find out if there are any hormones that could be affecting me right now...making me tired or sad.
--Take a pregnancy test
--Find a mom's day out program for Ben or some kind of home babysitting once a week to get a break.
--Take Ben and Mary to the mall to play in the little kids play area, stroll around and maybe eat there, once or twice a week...just to get out of the house and do something they would enjoy. I think part of Ben's bad behavior is because he is bored. He needs stimulation besides TV and toys.
--As the weather cools, take more walks in the park and neighborhood.
--Build a swingset in out backyard. We've been here for 1 1/2 years and Ben and Mary could definitely benefit from one this fall.

Some of these things sound simple but were too hard to do last year because of Abby going to school half day, Mary's morning nap and Ben and Marys' afternoon nap and then pick up for school. This year I can try to do these things because I have more open time while the kids are at school all day. I have all morning until 1pm when they would go down for their afternoon naps.

I've already started on a couple of items on the game plan.
--The nurse said there are no hormones that could be affecting how tired I am or the bout with tears last night. But she did say I could need a boost in the Zoloft. People need it adjusted all the time. I don't want to rush to do this, but I will if this continues. I want to see if some of these changes will keep Ben happier which would make me happier.

--I'm not pregnant! Whew! I don't think I'd be very sane with three kids three and under.

--Today we met Ted at the mall and ate lunch with him. Ben always enjoys "frizh fry" and they loved strolling through looking at all the big signs and stores.

--Found a couple of possible Mom's Day Out programs. Need to call them. Anyone try this before? Like it?

--Went to Home Depot tonight with my sister and found a kit where you buy and cut your own lumber and the kit comes with a slide, hardware and accessories. Much more reasonably priced than other places.

--I decided this one a couple of weeks ago...Every 6 weeks I'd like to take a Saturday and crop all day at my parent's house. And occasionally, on a Friday night, go to the nearby church to crop. I have to get out of my house to crop. Right now, it's impossible to get anything done at home. In the past I have set aside nights and they would get filled up with something else. It just doesn't work.

--And finally, I've decided to wean Mary. With all the biting, I keep having to take her off and she's just not feeding well. My milk supply is dwindling and at this stage, I don't feel like doing the work to bring it back because that just means I'd have to endure more biting. It's sad because she's my last. And not only that, I have to say goodbye to ever having any sizable breasts ever again. I hate weaning. Time to stuff ice packs in my bra. I'm sure Ted's looking forward to it though. It ends the era of my body belonging to Mary and returning to him.

I feel better already. I know this should be an easier year for me than last year. I don't expect a repeat. I'm excited to see Ben and Mary do some major growing and maturing. Mary should be walking in probably about a month. Ben should be able to reason more. It's never boring.

I guess the rain in my heart wasn't a bad thing. We made some good decisions because of it. And you always appreciate the warmth of the sun more after the rain.