I haven't been the best blogger lately. It's been a week since my last post...I think. I've been consumed with a goal...to finish my witness. This is for the CRHP retreat in October at my parish. I need to give it to my team in July and I hate having it loom over my head. I wanted to get it on paper as soon as possible. It's 8 pages long. And I'm not talking double spaced paragraphs with huge margins. Its your regular font size with regular margins and spacing. A big project. I don't like procrastinating. That stresses me. It's really important to me to do this right. I'm sure many changes could be made to it between now and then. But the basic meat is there. It feels good. Ok...so that's my latest obsession.
The kids are on their last full day of school today. Tomorrow is a half day. I'm really looking forward to having them home with me. I'm not sure how this summer will go. How will Ben and Mary be? Ben is phasing out naps. He just had his last day at the Monkey room yesterday. *sniff*. I'm really going to miss the Monkey room. I'm on the waiting list for the summer session which starts in July. We'll see if I get in.
Our trip to Gulf Shores is in 9 days. I did a big grocery shopping trip for dry goods yesterday. It's a lot of work to prepare for a camping trip and again...I'm not a procrastinator. I think I've changed ever since I had kids. I don't take time for granted anymore. I squeeze things into whatever spaces of time I'm given. I do it all gradually. Big pockets of time are just hard to come by.
May has been a crazy month and my scheduled prayer time has been sucked up by American Idol (oops) and catching up with Ted every night. Hopefully I can bounce back and improve this now that AI is over. It was my first year watching this show and is was more fun than I thought it would be. It was a family event! And as for the outcome of the contest...I would have been happy either way. I liked both Taylor and Kat. I'm happy Taylor win and Kat seemed to take it well. I'm sure we've not heard the last from her anyway.
This morning I was looking at a paper Sam wrote. It was titled "Clowning Around" and it was mounted on a big paper clown. It kinda cracks me up so I'm going to share it with you:
This summer I'm going camping twice! One to Gulf Shores for 10 days! Another to Eminence (I recently heard this so I don't know how many days). And we're going to the pool every Wednesday! (If it is warm enough). And I'm going golfing in Gulf Shores. I'm having as many people to spend the night as I want! My mom said I could have my cousin over alot. And in my spare time I will read, swing, get on the computer, or listen to music (I'd probably listen to Bad Day by Daniel Powter), play my PS2 or my GBA. I would also see if my neighbor can play. I would show him my legos that I just got yesterday. Then we'd play with them the rest of the morning. Then we'd eat lunch together. I'd love to play my favorite game Club Penguin on the computer. My mom said we'd have pizza at least once a week! I think I'll have a fun summer!
Doesn't his life sound wonderful? I don't remember the pizza comment, and most of my other comments were glorified to the extreme.. "I'm having as many people to spend the night as I want!" ??? Yes, we talked about seeing more of his friends and having more time to spend with them. I love it when they write. I don't always hear much about what's going on in their brains...so stuff like this, I treasure. You can keep anything the teachers pre-made for them or pre-wrote. I like the things that say who they are...their mark.
Today after school, my babysitter's coming over so I can go out with my sister Becky and help her register for baby stuff. How fun is that? A babysitter after school! I've never done that before. I'm digging this babysitter stuff. I used to be so stingy with babysitting. It was a treasured commodity I didn't want to use just for myself! Every now and then I loosen the purse strings and it is so worth it!
Ok...gotta clean the house. The babysitter will report us to DFS if I don't this place in order. I told you this was hodge podge!
Thursday, May 25, 2006
Friday, May 19, 2006
More Humble Pie
You didn't know by my post yesterday that I was about to have one distraught afternoon, but I did. I would say the whole horrible experience lasted about an hour. And when it was over, I was over it. But when I was in it, I thought I would go crazy.
It started at 4:25pm when I realized the time. Shoot! Abby has softball practice in 35 minutes and I'm carpooling!!! I yell out to Abby to get ready for practice. I call out to Sam and tell him we have to leave soon for Abby's practice. I was only dropping her off and coming back so it wasn't important that Ben and Mary be fully clothed with shoes and socks. As Ben was playing on the computer, I whisked him off the chair to change the poop I smelled. He was not happy. This was the beginning of his raging cries that would last another 45 minutes. He was upset he had to get off the computer (his new passion is playing Dora games), and he didn't get a nap this afternoon so he wasn't in a flexible frame of mind. Then I get a phone call. I figured it was Jackie, the lady I was carpooling with. I answered it before checking caller ID. Shoot! It was my old neighbor who I haven't talked to in a while. He asked what I was up to and I breathlessly told him we were heading out the door for softball practice. I apologized for Ben's screams in the background (I hesitate calling any of his tantrums "background"...they are more like "center stage"). I had to ask him "What?" a couple of times because I couldn't hear. But I thought this might encourage him to call me back, but he continued. I then asked him if I could call him back. "Sure", he said.
Whew! After hanging up with him, I checked on Abby. "Abby, where are you??". She was in the bathroom. Abby always has great timing for the bathroom: right before church, right before carpool comes, and now, before her practice when we are in a hurry! This was my first time carpooling with Jackie for softball. We talked about it the other day. Since she is in the opposite direction, I knew I should leave 25 minutes early so I can pick up her daughter and take the longer drive back to the practice field. I tell Abby to meet us in the car. She comes out with no shoes and socks on and her hair is in her face. She grabs her shoes and socks and I grab a barrette for her and we load in the car. Do you have your drink? No. I run in to get her water bottle.
Getting in the car is always an accomplishment and the rest was downhill....so I thought. Ben's screaming cries were persistent! This was a tired cry that was beyond reasoning or distracting. I felt sorry for Sam sitting right next to him in the back seat. Although, it really didn't matter where you sat, you could hear him loud and clear. Ben started screaming for his drink. Darn. In my hurry I forgot their sippy cups. He'll get over it. We're only running an errand. This should not be that difficult. I told him we'd get a drink when we got home. Through out the 10 minute trip to Jackie's, I consoled him with, "Ben, you are OK. Come on...let's settle down"..."Ben, we'll get your drink when we get home"..."Are you tired?"..."Do you want to take a nap when we get home?"...and so on and so on.
I checked the rest of the scene in the car. Sam was next to him playing Game Boy looking unaffected, Abby was in the row of seats behind me with Mary. Both of them seemed totally fine. I thought about how our car would sound if he wasn't in it. It would have been totally peaceful. This struck me. Then I thought about Ted. He was at the Cardinal's baseball game with a client. I pictured him yucking it up, drinking beer, having a nice cheerful, relaxing time at the game. This just made matters worse. My cell phone ringing interrupted my thoughts. It was Jackie! "Where are you?", she said from her cell phone. "I'm in your driveway." Oh crap. "I'm in your subdivision.", I said. And then she started rambling in moderate hysterics. She's the very verbal, hyper type. And she means well, but sometimes she can say things that sound abrupt. Which was what I told my self after her litany of: "Remember when I told you just the other day that I was picking Abby up?" and "You were the one that wanted to take home because you were going to have Ted do it on the way home from work...remember?" and "Maybe this isn't going to work". All of this was happening with Ben's cries in the background...I mean...on center stage. I couldn't focus. She was absolutely right. I just wasn't thinking. I had it all mixed up in my head when I thought I need to take. I had made a mistake. I told her all of this, but her words just brought me to a whole new level of stress, frustration and deflation. She was acting very defensive to a person who accepted the blame right away and had a child screaming amidst it all. One simple, gentle sentence would have been enough for me. I realized what I had done immediately.
I turned my big boat Suburban around. We agreed that she should just take her daughter straight to practice and I would go ahead and take Abby. We encountered all kinds of rush hour traffic which made our drive take longer. I wish I could have recorded his cries so I wouldn't keep having to say, "And the screams played on...". It could have been a soundtrack while you read this blog. But then you would have left. Just like I wished I could have. I pictured myself causing physical harm to him. I was driving...so he was quite safe. It almost made me feel better and worse at the same time. It was at this point that I turned up the stereo. At least there would be some good music to go with the crying. Our windows were open so I'm sure this made for some interesting entertainment for anyone going by. I turned down the radio to call Ted. He was on his way back to work...with the clients. I couldn't vent. Plus, I realized he wouldn't have time to pick up. I'd have to come back. Ugh.
We finally got to practice. I pulled up my car next to Jackie's. She said she would stay through the practice and take the girls home. "I wish I had a magazine though!". It just struck me as ironic that she would be happier with a magazine in her quiet car and I would happier to have her quiet car! (Her youngest was the one at practice). I'm sure we do this all the time as mothers...wish for something someone else has and all the while someone is wishing for what we have! I was grateful for her offer and didn't fight her on it. I was just happy to have the job done and now we could go home.
Yes, Ben continued to cry and would punctuate with a nice scream every now and then. Sam tried to help him. I loved him for being so patient with Ben. I'm just wondering what it will be like when Ben will be out of this stage. I'll be bounding around so happy...people will be jealous of me.
5:15pm. We were finally home. Ben says in a very sweet voice, "Mommy, can I play on the computer?". I said, "OK". And it was over. Just like that. Like someone flipped a switch. And my mood bounced out almost as quickly. When Ted got home, I wanted to express some that frustration that earlier, couldn't wait to burst out over the phone to him, but it was gone. I had already eaten my humble pie, I didn't want to swim in it! I was ready to relax, knowing that Ted was home and I had help.
It started at 4:25pm when I realized the time. Shoot! Abby has softball practice in 35 minutes and I'm carpooling!!! I yell out to Abby to get ready for practice. I call out to Sam and tell him we have to leave soon for Abby's practice. I was only dropping her off and coming back so it wasn't important that Ben and Mary be fully clothed with shoes and socks. As Ben was playing on the computer, I whisked him off the chair to change the poop I smelled. He was not happy. This was the beginning of his raging cries that would last another 45 minutes. He was upset he had to get off the computer (his new passion is playing Dora games), and he didn't get a nap this afternoon so he wasn't in a flexible frame of mind. Then I get a phone call. I figured it was Jackie, the lady I was carpooling with. I answered it before checking caller ID. Shoot! It was my old neighbor who I haven't talked to in a while. He asked what I was up to and I breathlessly told him we were heading out the door for softball practice. I apologized for Ben's screams in the background (I hesitate calling any of his tantrums "background"...they are more like "center stage"). I had to ask him "What?" a couple of times because I couldn't hear. But I thought this might encourage him to call me back, but he continued. I then asked him if I could call him back. "Sure", he said.
Whew! After hanging up with him, I checked on Abby. "Abby, where are you??". She was in the bathroom. Abby always has great timing for the bathroom: right before church, right before carpool comes, and now, before her practice when we are in a hurry! This was my first time carpooling with Jackie for softball. We talked about it the other day. Since she is in the opposite direction, I knew I should leave 25 minutes early so I can pick up her daughter and take the longer drive back to the practice field. I tell Abby to meet us in the car. She comes out with no shoes and socks on and her hair is in her face. She grabs her shoes and socks and I grab a barrette for her and we load in the car. Do you have your drink? No. I run in to get her water bottle.
Getting in the car is always an accomplishment and the rest was downhill....so I thought. Ben's screaming cries were persistent! This was a tired cry that was beyond reasoning or distracting. I felt sorry for Sam sitting right next to him in the back seat. Although, it really didn't matter where you sat, you could hear him loud and clear. Ben started screaming for his drink. Darn. In my hurry I forgot their sippy cups. He'll get over it. We're only running an errand. This should not be that difficult. I told him we'd get a drink when we got home. Through out the 10 minute trip to Jackie's, I consoled him with, "Ben, you are OK. Come on...let's settle down"..."Ben, we'll get your drink when we get home"..."Are you tired?"..."Do you want to take a nap when we get home?"...and so on and so on.
I checked the rest of the scene in the car. Sam was next to him playing Game Boy looking unaffected, Abby was in the row of seats behind me with Mary. Both of them seemed totally fine. I thought about how our car would sound if he wasn't in it. It would have been totally peaceful. This struck me. Then I thought about Ted. He was at the Cardinal's baseball game with a client. I pictured him yucking it up, drinking beer, having a nice cheerful, relaxing time at the game. This just made matters worse. My cell phone ringing interrupted my thoughts. It was Jackie! "Where are you?", she said from her cell phone. "I'm in your driveway." Oh crap. "I'm in your subdivision.", I said. And then she started rambling in moderate hysterics. She's the very verbal, hyper type. And she means well, but sometimes she can say things that sound abrupt. Which was what I told my self after her litany of: "Remember when I told you just the other day that I was picking Abby up?" and "You were the one that wanted to take home because you were going to have Ted do it on the way home from work...remember?" and "Maybe this isn't going to work". All of this was happening with Ben's cries in the background...I mean...on center stage. I couldn't focus. She was absolutely right. I just wasn't thinking. I had it all mixed up in my head when I thought I need to take. I had made a mistake. I told her all of this, but her words just brought me to a whole new level of stress, frustration and deflation. She was acting very defensive to a person who accepted the blame right away and had a child screaming amidst it all. One simple, gentle sentence would have been enough for me. I realized what I had done immediately.
I turned my big boat Suburban around. We agreed that she should just take her daughter straight to practice and I would go ahead and take Abby. We encountered all kinds of rush hour traffic which made our drive take longer. I wish I could have recorded his cries so I wouldn't keep having to say, "And the screams played on...". It could have been a soundtrack while you read this blog. But then you would have left. Just like I wished I could have. I pictured myself causing physical harm to him. I was driving...so he was quite safe. It almost made me feel better and worse at the same time. It was at this point that I turned up the stereo. At least there would be some good music to go with the crying. Our windows were open so I'm sure this made for some interesting entertainment for anyone going by. I turned down the radio to call Ted. He was on his way back to work...with the clients. I couldn't vent. Plus, I realized he wouldn't have time to pick up. I'd have to come back. Ugh.
We finally got to practice. I pulled up my car next to Jackie's. She said she would stay through the practice and take the girls home. "I wish I had a magazine though!". It just struck me as ironic that she would be happier with a magazine in her quiet car and I would happier to have her quiet car! (Her youngest was the one at practice). I'm sure we do this all the time as mothers...wish for something someone else has and all the while someone is wishing for what we have! I was grateful for her offer and didn't fight her on it. I was just happy to have the job done and now we could go home.
Yes, Ben continued to cry and would punctuate with a nice scream every now and then. Sam tried to help him. I loved him for being so patient with Ben. I'm just wondering what it will be like when Ben will be out of this stage. I'll be bounding around so happy...people will be jealous of me.
5:15pm. We were finally home. Ben says in a very sweet voice, "Mommy, can I play on the computer?". I said, "OK". And it was over. Just like that. Like someone flipped a switch. And my mood bounced out almost as quickly. When Ted got home, I wanted to express some that frustration that earlier, couldn't wait to burst out over the phone to him, but it was gone. I had already eaten my humble pie, I didn't want to swim in it! I was ready to relax, knowing that Ted was home and I had help.
Thursday, May 18, 2006
Snapshot Thursday
What's at the top of my to-do list?
--Pack for girl's overnighter!
--Finish up the school year
What have I accomplished?
--Practiced guitar
--Prayed for people when I said I would (trust me...that's a big accomplishment)
--Got Mary's 18 month pictures taken and Ben's scheduled for Saturday morning.
--Arranged carpool for Abby's 5pm Thursday practices so I can feed the kids dinner! I take and the other lady picks up which allows us to go home and eat instead of staying through the whole practice trying to entertain 3 children.
What's bugging me?
--Ants...all over the kitchen and family room! Good news is that Ben doesn't freak out whenever he sees them anymore because he sees them often! I guess our ant problem has helped him to reduce his fear of bugs!
What have I said I was going to do but I havenÂ’t?
--Work on my albums. It's supposed to happen tonight. We'll see.
What's my latest obsession?
--Practicing guitar
--American Idol. Who do I think should win? I find Taylor moreinterestingg and entertaining, but I would probably be more likely to buy an album of Katharine's. I like it when she doesn't over-do the songs and she sings simply. She has a beautiful voice. I think Katharine will win for her global appeal.
What's been making me happy?
--School is almost out. I look forward to some "older kid's" conversation at home and help in entertaining the younger kids.
--I'm starting to prepare for our Gulf Shore's vacation. I'm really looking forward to getting away as a family for a long vacation. Hopefully, it will feel like a vacation :-).
--This weekend I'm getting together with a bunch of girls for our annual overnighter. We'll book a hotel room (or two), eat out, drink, do facials, sleep, and share breakfast together the next morning. I'm really looking forward to the girl time.
--Pack for girl's overnighter!
--Finish up the school year
What have I accomplished?
--Practiced guitar
--Prayed for people when I said I would (trust me...that's a big accomplishment)
--Got Mary's 18 month pictures taken and Ben's scheduled for Saturday morning.
--Arranged carpool for Abby's 5pm Thursday practices so I can feed the kids dinner! I take and the other lady picks up which allows us to go home and eat instead of staying through the whole practice trying to entertain 3 children.
What's bugging me?
--Ants...all over the kitchen and family room! Good news is that Ben doesn't freak out whenever he sees them anymore because he sees them often! I guess our ant problem has helped him to reduce his fear of bugs!
What have I said I was going to do but I havenÂ’t?
--Work on my albums. It's supposed to happen tonight. We'll see.
What's my latest obsession?
--Practicing guitar
--American Idol. Who do I think should win? I find Taylor moreinterestingg and entertaining, but I would probably be more likely to buy an album of Katharine's. I like it when she doesn't over-do the songs and she sings simply. She has a beautiful voice. I think Katharine will win for her global appeal.
What's been making me happy?
--School is almost out. I look forward to some "older kid's" conversation at home and help in entertaining the younger kids.
--I'm starting to prepare for our Gulf Shore's vacation. I'm really looking forward to getting away as a family for a long vacation. Hopefully, it will feel like a vacation :-).
--This weekend I'm getting together with a bunch of girls for our annual overnighter. We'll book a hotel room (or two), eat out, drink, do facials, sleep, and share breakfast together the next morning. I'm really looking forward to the girl time.
Monday, May 15, 2006
Time. Patience. Endurance
Today, Ted decided that he would stay late at work to do some catch up instead of going to Men's group. After I picked up the kids from school I decided to visit my sister Becky. When you take four kids to visit someone and it happens to overlap a meal time...it's a lot of work. I called her and she said she wasn't doing anything. I told her I had some cute flower shelves from Abby's room that she might want to use in her baby room. They were just sitting in Abby's closet because they no longer went with the decor. After hanging up with her, I grabbed some food from the freezer, refrigerator and pantry. She has no kids yet so I never assume she can just feed mine on a moments notice. Actually, I don't assume that for anyone, but anyway, I had thrown in pizza rolls, mini corn dogs, chicken strips, some french buns and turkey for us to make roasted sandwiches, and a salad. As a mom, you have to come prepared. I hate not being prepared. I filled up the sippy cups, packed the diaper bag, loaded up the three shelves, packed Sam's Game Boy, Ben's trains, put shoes on Ben and Mary's feet and finally we were ready to go. She lives about 17 miles from my house. We haven't been there in a while because her in-laws were living with her while they built a house. Now the in-laws were gone and she felt more free to entertain.
While we were driving over, Ben said, "We're going to Becky and Jerry's house, and Goldy". Oh yah. I forgot about Goldy. Goldy is their big, playful, still puppy-like lab. Ben and Mary are terrified of her. She always runs right up to them and freaks them out. I mean panicking screams of terror. I hoped we could intercept her before she reaches the kids. I got the kids out of the car and started unloading all of our stuff. Goldy came bounding from behind the house and headed right towards Ben and Mary. SCREAMS OF HOLY TERROR!! Sheer panic and chaos erupted. They ran around in circles as Goldy happily came straight towards them. They fell in fear. Becky opened the front door for Ben and Mary and Goldy came running into the house following Ben and Mary. I grabbed one of them while Becky corralled Goldy out of the house (they have an electric fence). They cried like they had encountered the worse evil. Their sobs continued. I kept telling them over and over, "Goldy is outside...she can't hurt you". Ben always repeats, when there is a bug or anything he's afraid of, "He won't hurt you"...like he's reminding himself of my mantra. He repeated these words tonight, "He won't hurt you"...."No Ben, She won't hurt you". They needed to be held. Finally, they seemed to settle down a little. Their security was building up enough to get off my lap. A friend of Becky's was with her and witness this whole event. She was getting ready to leave and said goodbye to Becky. When she opened the door, GUESS WHAT!!! Goldy came bounding through the door and lovingly lavished Ben and Mary with sniffs and kisses. They ran in circles and screamed and cried out for me. That was the last straw. They were scarred for life. I sat in Becky's foyer as I saw Becky step outside with her friend. Ben and Mary both clung to me as I held them on the bench. How am I going to build up their security again?? I told them it would be fine last time and I was wrong. I was doomed. I saw Becky and her friend turn so I couldn't see their faces and the gave each other looks like, "Oh my Gosh...I can't believe that just happened." The way they hid their looks from me (or tried to) just made me feel...yucky. I know these things happen. I don't blame myself or anyone for that matter, but it was definitely a moment of sheer humility for me. To know that people are pitying me in this situation. Becky came back inside and it never got better. Ben clung to me. Mary loosened up and got over it. Ben was tense. His whole body was stiff with nervousness. He kept crying out. Big screaming cries. Loud. Abby turned up the TV. She couldn't hear. This made everything too loud. I had to repeat over Ben's cries to "TURN THE TV DOWN!!!" Sam just sat there and played Game Boy. We tried to pretend we could go on about our visiting. Becky looked at the shelves and said they wouldn't go with her decor. ('All for nothing', I thought...and a whole bunch of other mental statements that aren't worth repeating because then I would have to explain my whole relationship with Becky and I just can't). She showed me the baby's room. I must remind you that we had to strain to hear each other because BEN WOULD NOT STOP CRYING. We did a lot of hard looking at the lips because, in times like this, it's good to use a little lip reading. We sat back down in the family room...bringing the cries back to that room. Abby turned up the TV again. ABBY!!!! Ben didn't have a nap today and that didn't help. Everything was overdramatized. "Ben. It's OK. Goldy's all gone. She's NOT coming back. You need to stop crying or I will put you down. Do you want to go home?"..."No..."...."Then stop crying!".
Sometimes you say to yourself, "Is this going to end? Is this worth it? Would we all be better if we just went home? We were only about 30 minutes into a visit that took almost 30 minutes to get there. "Ben, if you don't stop crying, we're going home." He tried. He really did. He couldn't control himself. He was beyond consoling. Ok. We're going home. Time to reverse the whole process. I angrily loaded up the shelves I took the time to bring. I got all of my food out of the freezer and fridge. Got the sippy cups, diaper bag and kids. Becky helped me by carrying Mary, while I carried Ben. There was NO way he was going to walk. Thankfully, Goldy was in the backyard and did not come in front. Once we are seatbelted, I got in the car. "We'll get together some other time", Becky said. Yah....
I wonder what she thinks about this whole parenting thing. Does she worry she will have kids like mine and wonder how she'll get through it? Does she think she would do things differently and that would produce different results? Does she think I had too many kids? I wonder those things, but in the end, it really doesn't matter. I feel good enough about the decisions I made and I know this is just a moment. The big picture is what drives me. What drives me is Ben's knock knock joke he told us on the way to her house. "Knock Knock"....."Who's there?"..."YAH!!" (said enthusiastically)...."YAH Who?"..."Yah...I didn't know you were a cowboy!".
I KNOW I will have more joyful moments like this. I know they are going to come more closer together. I know things will get easier. In fact, I cling to that knowledge. It's not Ben's fault. Ben is Ben. I think it's hard for Ben to be who he is right now. Especially when he doesn't get a nap (darn carpool). And Becky is only working from what she knows. She respects me so I doubt she's judging me too harshly. She'll find out soon enough. Or maybe not. Maybe she won't have a challenging personality to deal with. Maybe she'll stop at two kids and never see the workload that I see.
As much work as it is, I am so happy to have my kids. Sam and Abby were two years apart and they were also a lot of work at this time. As they grew up, they became the best playmates and it was great. They entertained each other. I know the same thing will happen with Ben and Mary. Time. Patience. Endurance. All in due time. As for now...it's time for me to go to bed. Tomorrow will be easier.
While we were driving over, Ben said, "We're going to Becky and Jerry's house, and Goldy". Oh yah. I forgot about Goldy. Goldy is their big, playful, still puppy-like lab. Ben and Mary are terrified of her. She always runs right up to them and freaks them out. I mean panicking screams of terror. I hoped we could intercept her before she reaches the kids. I got the kids out of the car and started unloading all of our stuff. Goldy came bounding from behind the house and headed right towards Ben and Mary. SCREAMS OF HOLY TERROR!! Sheer panic and chaos erupted. They ran around in circles as Goldy happily came straight towards them. They fell in fear. Becky opened the front door for Ben and Mary and Goldy came running into the house following Ben and Mary. I grabbed one of them while Becky corralled Goldy out of the house (they have an electric fence). They cried like they had encountered the worse evil. Their sobs continued. I kept telling them over and over, "Goldy is outside...she can't hurt you". Ben always repeats, when there is a bug or anything he's afraid of, "He won't hurt you"...like he's reminding himself of my mantra. He repeated these words tonight, "He won't hurt you"...."No Ben, She won't hurt you". They needed to be held. Finally, they seemed to settle down a little. Their security was building up enough to get off my lap. A friend of Becky's was with her and witness this whole event. She was getting ready to leave and said goodbye to Becky. When she opened the door, GUESS WHAT!!! Goldy came bounding through the door and lovingly lavished Ben and Mary with sniffs and kisses. They ran in circles and screamed and cried out for me. That was the last straw. They were scarred for life. I sat in Becky's foyer as I saw Becky step outside with her friend. Ben and Mary both clung to me as I held them on the bench. How am I going to build up their security again?? I told them it would be fine last time and I was wrong. I was doomed. I saw Becky and her friend turn so I couldn't see their faces and the gave each other looks like, "Oh my Gosh...I can't believe that just happened." The way they hid their looks from me (or tried to) just made me feel...yucky. I know these things happen. I don't blame myself or anyone for that matter, but it was definitely a moment of sheer humility for me. To know that people are pitying me in this situation. Becky came back inside and it never got better. Ben clung to me. Mary loosened up and got over it. Ben was tense. His whole body was stiff with nervousness. He kept crying out. Big screaming cries. Loud. Abby turned up the TV. She couldn't hear. This made everything too loud. I had to repeat over Ben's cries to "TURN THE TV DOWN!!!" Sam just sat there and played Game Boy. We tried to pretend we could go on about our visiting. Becky looked at the shelves and said they wouldn't go with her decor. ('All for nothing', I thought...and a whole bunch of other mental statements that aren't worth repeating because then I would have to explain my whole relationship with Becky and I just can't). She showed me the baby's room. I must remind you that we had to strain to hear each other because BEN WOULD NOT STOP CRYING. We did a lot of hard looking at the lips because, in times like this, it's good to use a little lip reading. We sat back down in the family room...bringing the cries back to that room. Abby turned up the TV again. ABBY!!!! Ben didn't have a nap today and that didn't help. Everything was overdramatized. "Ben. It's OK. Goldy's all gone. She's NOT coming back. You need to stop crying or I will put you down. Do you want to go home?"..."No..."...."Then stop crying!".
Sometimes you say to yourself, "Is this going to end? Is this worth it? Would we all be better if we just went home? We were only about 30 minutes into a visit that took almost 30 minutes to get there. "Ben, if you don't stop crying, we're going home." He tried. He really did. He couldn't control himself. He was beyond consoling. Ok. We're going home. Time to reverse the whole process. I angrily loaded up the shelves I took the time to bring. I got all of my food out of the freezer and fridge. Got the sippy cups, diaper bag and kids. Becky helped me by carrying Mary, while I carried Ben. There was NO way he was going to walk. Thankfully, Goldy was in the backyard and did not come in front. Once we are seatbelted, I got in the car. "We'll get together some other time", Becky said. Yah....
I wonder what she thinks about this whole parenting thing. Does she worry she will have kids like mine and wonder how she'll get through it? Does she think she would do things differently and that would produce different results? Does she think I had too many kids? I wonder those things, but in the end, it really doesn't matter. I feel good enough about the decisions I made and I know this is just a moment. The big picture is what drives me. What drives me is Ben's knock knock joke he told us on the way to her house. "Knock Knock"....."Who's there?"..."YAH!!" (said enthusiastically)...."YAH Who?"..."Yah...I didn't know you were a cowboy!".
I KNOW I will have more joyful moments like this. I know they are going to come more closer together. I know things will get easier. In fact, I cling to that knowledge. It's not Ben's fault. Ben is Ben. I think it's hard for Ben to be who he is right now. Especially when he doesn't get a nap (darn carpool). And Becky is only working from what she knows. She respects me so I doubt she's judging me too harshly. She'll find out soon enough. Or maybe not. Maybe she won't have a challenging personality to deal with. Maybe she'll stop at two kids and never see the workload that I see.
As much work as it is, I am so happy to have my kids. Sam and Abby were two years apart and they were also a lot of work at this time. As they grew up, they became the best playmates and it was great. They entertained each other. I know the same thing will happen with Ben and Mary. Time. Patience. Endurance. All in due time. As for now...it's time for me to go to bed. Tomorrow will be easier.
Saturday, May 13, 2006
I......
I AM: Loyal, Fun, Introspective, Helpful, Distracted, Unassuming, Ready to try something new.
I WANT: One set hour of total freedom everyday...or maybe two.
I WISH: I could be a fly on the wall whenever I wanted. A chameleon fly so no one would kill me.
I HATE: the ugly lurkings of self doubt
I MISS: uninterrupted time with my husband and reading books.
I FEAR: making a big mistake in front of other people.
I HEAR: Sam and Abby on the computer, Mary talking gibberish to her Boohbah, Ben singing.
I SEE: All the unfinished projects in my house.
I CAN'T WAIT: to finish our basement and not have as many toys on the main level.
I WONDER: what my life will be like 5 years from now.
I REGRET: not always being fully present when someone is talking to me.
I AM NOT: always keeping a clean house or a nice meal on the table.
I DANCE: less than I used to. My last dance was "ring around the rosy" with Ben, Mary and Abby. I think that means more to me than any of the times I shake my booty.
I SING: All the time.
I CRY: and then I feel a lot better.
I LAUGH: at myself all the time. I'm the biggest guffaw laugher of all time.
I LOVE: watching my kids play together, a night out with my husband, talking to a good friend.
I AM NOT ALWAYS: as focused as I want to be.
I MAKE WITH MY HANDS: Scrapbook pages, music on the guitar, writing on paper.
I WRITE: to express myself.
I LOOK FORWARD: to going out as a family and having it not be ruined by a crabby child.
I DON'T: let myself stay down for long. I bounce out of the pit like it's the plague.
I CONFUSE: the small picture I see and think it's the big picture.
I NEED: to catch up on my albums!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I SHOULD: be more consistent with rules around the house.
I THANK: God that I have such a great husband because I couldn't do it all without him.
I START: with a lot of enthusiasm.
I FINISH: some things, but not everything...and when I do...Woooo Hooooooo!!!!
I TAG: anyone who wants to do this.
I WANT: One set hour of total freedom everyday...or maybe two.
I WISH: I could be a fly on the wall whenever I wanted. A chameleon fly so no one would kill me.
I HATE: the ugly lurkings of self doubt
I MISS: uninterrupted time with my husband and reading books.
I FEAR: making a big mistake in front of other people.
I HEAR: Sam and Abby on the computer, Mary talking gibberish to her Boohbah, Ben singing.
I SEE: All the unfinished projects in my house.
I CAN'T WAIT: to finish our basement and not have as many toys on the main level.
I WONDER: what my life will be like 5 years from now.
I REGRET: not always being fully present when someone is talking to me.
I AM NOT: always keeping a clean house or a nice meal on the table.
I DANCE: less than I used to. My last dance was "ring around the rosy" with Ben, Mary and Abby. I think that means more to me than any of the times I shake my booty.
I SING: All the time.
I CRY: and then I feel a lot better.
I LAUGH: at myself all the time. I'm the biggest guffaw laugher of all time.
I LOVE: watching my kids play together, a night out with my husband, talking to a good friend.
I AM NOT ALWAYS: as focused as I want to be.
I MAKE WITH MY HANDS: Scrapbook pages, music on the guitar, writing on paper.
I WRITE: to express myself.
I LOOK FORWARD: to going out as a family and having it not be ruined by a crabby child.
I DON'T: let myself stay down for long. I bounce out of the pit like it's the plague.
I CONFUSE: the small picture I see and think it's the big picture.
I NEED: to catch up on my albums!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I SHOULD: be more consistent with rules around the house.
I THANK: God that I have such a great husband because I couldn't do it all without him.
I START: with a lot of enthusiasm.
I FINISH: some things, but not everything...and when I do...Woooo Hooooooo!!!!
I TAG: anyone who wants to do this.
Friday, May 12, 2006
Hello Diamond.com!
Isn't this ring beautiful? I hope it will be mine someday. Here is the story: The company I used to work for 5 years ago is being bought out by Home Depot. The company I worked for was a catalog company called Home Decorators Collection. I worked there for 10 years until deciding to become a stay at home mom. The Fed Ex guy dropped off an envelope the other day...and would you believe it was a check "in gratitude for my contributions" to the company?? It reminded me how nice it was to be connected to something where you actually get paid for working! They suggested that I buy something "meaningful and everlasting". I found out about 20 other people got the letters. Of course people who currently work there got healthy sums, I'm sure. But I was just really surprised to get anything since I haven't worked there in 5 years!! And I knew exactly what could be purchased with this money that would be meaningful and everlasting!
About 2 years ago now, I lost my wedding ring. It really stunk because we found out our new insurance does not cover loss of a wedding ring. It would only be covered if it was stolen. I'm not a huge jewelry person so the last thing I wanted to spend our savings on was a ring, so we decided to use Ted's expense checks and gradually built up some money for the new ring. We've been doing this for about 1 1/2 years (once I realized my ring was not going to "show up anywhere"). Anyway, this check will allow us to make this purchase. I'm looking forward to wearing more than a gold band, even though the gold band is really convenient and doesn't get in the way.
Excitedly stirred up, I decided to look on-line for a ring (just shop, not buy). I came upon a "design your own ring" website called "diamond.com" and I designed my ring. I would like one center diamond representing our union and then 2 diamonds on each side to represent the 4 kids. Here is the link to my ring: http://www.diamond.com/DYS3.asp?gen5=ODIA0900IMG2FRND&ring_id=10036&DYS=true . I love the internet.
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
After the CRASH!
Ahhhhh...Today has been good. Ben is at the Monkey Room and Mary is napping. She cried the whole time I was getting us ready to head out the door, but then has been an angel ever since. So that means I was able to get things done when we got home and then I have been getting more done since she went down for her nap. It feels so good. I love productivity and accomplishment. The laundry is caught up, the dishes are done. I even practiced playing the guitar. I need to mow the backyard...but I don't feel like it. I'm resting with a cup of blog.
After my CRASH post, I got an e-mail from my good friend, Theresa (the one I plan to visit in a couple of years from Australia). It felt so good to hear her words, I thought I would share it with you. Sometimes you need a friend's voice of reason to muddle through some of the crap you tell yourself. Here's what she said:
Hi MissE
I just read your blog and was wondering how you are. I'd like to give you a call, but it is 5:45pm Monday your time which I'm sure is not a good time to sit down for a chat! Plus, I am going out the door to school in 10 minutes.
Sounds like you really did have a 'crash' on Friday! I'm so glad you were feeling back to your ol' self for the party on Saturday! Ted is a real Godsend, isn't he? It's amazing how our guys just step in when needed...Sam is like that too and I'm always amazed at his strength! But, you know, I would bet that if you asked Ted he would say he sees a lot of strength in you that he feels he doesn't have. It's the balancing act at work! He balanced you on Friday when you were so desperately in need of it and you no doubt balance him when you least realise it.
Please email me if you want to talk about stuff. I think the best idea is you getting someone in to watch the kids while you carpool. That's actually what I was thinking as I read the blog, then when I saw that Ted was getting his Mom on tuesdays I actually said 'Hooray'! Don't you dare fall into that guilty Mom pitfall...send those kids to the mothers day out for the summer! It's only one day. I remember only a week or so ago you blogged that you felt you didn't have enough time with Sam and Abby...this is your chance! Everything happens for a reason and this may just be the chance you've needed to reorganise things back into better shape for your ever changing family. Take the chance and run!
Better get to school. I hope you are ok.
Love,
Theresa
ps... for the record.... imagine how boring life would be if you were like a man... even-natured and (at times) emotionless.... BORING! I love your vivacious personality and love of life. Your enthusiasm and energy is part of that emotion... Friday you saw the other side, but you have to put up with the bad to hang onto the good...don't lose that good bit!
Can you see why this totally comforted me?? I stopped beating myself up about the CRASH and just embraced the good side of the emotions God gave me. I called the MDO program and they are full, but I'm at the top of the waiting list! If I don't get in, I can still use a babysitter in the neighborhood one day a week (it would actually be cheaper). I'm going to try to commit to that. I love what she said about the mommy guilt. Why do we do this to ourselves?? We are our own toughest critics! For every weakness I see in myself, there is a strength that has been overdone. For example, a person who is sensitive to others and how they are feeling, can also be overly sensitive about what is said about them or could read too much into a statement because they are always looking for the emotional intent. Someone who has the strength of vision and leadership can get too headstrong and neglect the visions of others. You could go on and on with examples of these. I know this in my head, but I can forget it in my heart. The weakness comes with the strength. I'll take the weaknesses and learn how to lessen them, or live with them... in order to have my strengths. I think the Evil One takes great delight when we beat ourselves up. We are saving him the work! God is about good messages, positive messages.
My scripture calendar has been giving me a message lately: "It is better to trust in the Lord than to put confidence in man." Psalm 118:8....and...."Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, and whose hope is the Lord." Jeremiah 17:7. OK! I got it already! I'm just a little slow. I need to focus on trusting God and His abilities and not my own. He is capable of far greater things than I can imagine. When I'm down...it's about my own abilities, or my own outlook of how I think tomorrow will go. Gee! Who's really planning tomorrow? Who has total control of tomorrow? Not me! God does! That is where I will get my true strength and confidence.
After my CRASH post, I got an e-mail from my good friend, Theresa (the one I plan to visit in a couple of years from Australia). It felt so good to hear her words, I thought I would share it with you. Sometimes you need a friend's voice of reason to muddle through some of the crap you tell yourself. Here's what she said:
Hi MissE
I just read your blog and was wondering how you are. I'd like to give you a call, but it is 5:45pm Monday your time which I'm sure is not a good time to sit down for a chat! Plus, I am going out the door to school in 10 minutes.
Sounds like you really did have a 'crash' on Friday! I'm so glad you were feeling back to your ol' self for the party on Saturday! Ted is a real Godsend, isn't he? It's amazing how our guys just step in when needed...Sam is like that too and I'm always amazed at his strength! But, you know, I would bet that if you asked Ted he would say he sees a lot of strength in you that he feels he doesn't have. It's the balancing act at work! He balanced you on Friday when you were so desperately in need of it and you no doubt balance him when you least realise it.
Please email me if you want to talk about stuff. I think the best idea is you getting someone in to watch the kids while you carpool. That's actually what I was thinking as I read the blog, then when I saw that Ted was getting his Mom on tuesdays I actually said 'Hooray'! Don't you dare fall into that guilty Mom pitfall...send those kids to the mothers day out for the summer! It's only one day. I remember only a week or so ago you blogged that you felt you didn't have enough time with Sam and Abby...this is your chance! Everything happens for a reason and this may just be the chance you've needed to reorganise things back into better shape for your ever changing family. Take the chance and run!
Better get to school. I hope you are ok.
Love,
Theresa
ps... for the record.... imagine how boring life would be if you were like a man... even-natured and (at times) emotionless.... BORING! I love your vivacious personality and love of life. Your enthusiasm and energy is part of that emotion... Friday you saw the other side, but you have to put up with the bad to hang onto the good...don't lose that good bit!
Can you see why this totally comforted me?? I stopped beating myself up about the CRASH and just embraced the good side of the emotions God gave me. I called the MDO program and they are full, but I'm at the top of the waiting list! If I don't get in, I can still use a babysitter in the neighborhood one day a week (it would actually be cheaper). I'm going to try to commit to that. I love what she said about the mommy guilt. Why do we do this to ourselves?? We are our own toughest critics! For every weakness I see in myself, there is a strength that has been overdone. For example, a person who is sensitive to others and how they are feeling, can also be overly sensitive about what is said about them or could read too much into a statement because they are always looking for the emotional intent. Someone who has the strength of vision and leadership can get too headstrong and neglect the visions of others. You could go on and on with examples of these. I know this in my head, but I can forget it in my heart. The weakness comes with the strength. I'll take the weaknesses and learn how to lessen them, or live with them... in order to have my strengths. I think the Evil One takes great delight when we beat ourselves up. We are saving him the work! God is about good messages, positive messages.
My scripture calendar has been giving me a message lately: "It is better to trust in the Lord than to put confidence in man." Psalm 118:8....and...."Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, and whose hope is the Lord." Jeremiah 17:7. OK! I got it already! I'm just a little slow. I need to focus on trusting God and His abilities and not my own. He is capable of far greater things than I can imagine. When I'm down...it's about my own abilities, or my own outlook of how I think tomorrow will go. Gee! Who's really planning tomorrow? Who has total control of tomorrow? Not me! God does! That is where I will get my true strength and confidence.
Sunday, May 07, 2006
CRASH!!!!
Things were going fine all week. I was even giving myself a pat on the back, "See girl? You got it all together!" I didn't know a crash was about to happen. I even felt like Super Woman the day I put the baby bed down and put together Ben's new big boy's bed. On Friday, IT happened. IT paralyzed me. I could no longer tolerate anything else for the day. I couldn't think, I couldn't continue the day. I wanted to shut my door and go to bed. Call the day over and escape. I called Ted and cried. I felt weak, defeated and negative. Ted called it "doom and gloom". What was IT? IT was the last straw. Ben woke up Mary from her nap...and my whole world came crashing down after it happened. There goes my break. You would have thought somebody died. That night, when Ted got home, I was exhausted. I went straight to bed. Why did I take it so hard? What happened to me? I look back on this and reflect. Sometimes I hate the emotions that come along with being a woman. I don't understand them. Ted doesn't understand them. Where did this come from? I started retracing my steps to see what led up to my collapse. Here are the contributing factors that I can think of:
--Carpool lady is on complete bedrest because of preterm labor. I now pick up every day except Friday. Ben is not getting his naps because he's not tired early enough for a full nap. I can't lay him down at 2pm, his usually nap time, because I leave at 2:40 to pick up the kids. I keep him up instead and sometimes he just skips a full nap. Sometimes I lay him down when I come home...either way, it's screwed with his schedule. I'm not getting a good break from the kids. Mary's nap is the only sure thing that happens...and that didn't happen on Friday.
--At my CRHP meeting last Sunday, I was asked to lead music for the retreat this fall. This brought a flurry of excitement, thinking, practicing (basically obsessing) for two days straight. Sunday night I couldn't sleep. With this distraction going on, I neglected other things.
--Mary is now in full cahoots with Ben and is getting into everything. She spills full boxes of cereal on the floor, plays in the toilet water, cannot be served peanut butter and jelly or she'll be wearing it, wants to be held a lot, wants what Ben has, she writes on everything, she climbs on my hutch and gets into the higher drawers, and is just plain and simple higher maintenance these days. Not every day is bad, I don't want to overexaggerate, but it has the potential to be.
--Ted was gone Monday night (Men's group) and Thursday night (golf and dinner at a friend's country club). Having the kids all day and then these two additional nights added to my strain.
--Ben's birthday party was Saturday and Friday was so bad, I got nothing done. This seemed to cap off my stress that now all the housework had to be done on Saturday, the day of the party. I think my crash wouldn't have happened if I didn't have this party to prepare for.
I like to do things in advance. I hate the burden of a bunch of stuff that has to be done in a short time frame. I like to do things gradually. Mainly because I have little ones that take up a lot of my time....and 2 hours at home with the kids can mean (doesn't always mean) maybe 15 minutes of actually accomplishing something. I can't control my time. I can't control what happens one minute to the next. I can't have a quiet moment to myself. Nothing is mine. I've gotten used to most of this just being a mother everyday. You have to get used to it. But Friday, I guess not getting that one little nap from Mary was enough to send me on a downward spiral. My week must have been built on a house of cards without me even realizing it. Were the above contributing factors really enough to wear me down? In and of themselves, I didn't think they were big deals, but collectively they must have chipped at my armor.
It was all a bad enough experience for Ted that he was searching for solutions. This is what he has already vowed to do:
1) He wants to send Ben and Mary to the summer 8 week session of the Mom's Day Out program that Ben is now in. The session starts in July. He figured, instead of waiting for the school year to start this, why not start it as soon as we can? That way, I'll get a much needed break from the kids. I'm still kinda torn about this. Are we overreacting to one stressful and depressing day? Wasn't it mainly caused by the birthday party? If so, that is over now and I don't have another birthday party for 5 months!!! Won't some of my stress be over when summer hits because there will be no more carpooling and I'll have Sam and Abby's help with entertaining the kids? Or am I just being a guilty mom? Should I take advantage of this because then I can take Sam and Abby to the pool on that one free day a week or any other outing that's hard to do with the whole family? Any input is appreciated.
2) He wants to get help from our parents occasionally to sit at home while the kids nap so I can do carpool without waking them. He's already signed his mom up for Tuesday. I feel grateful, but terrible at the same time that she is taking a 25 minute drive to our house just watch my littles during carpool!
I don't know if I should feel blessed and taken care of by my husband or if I should feel bad that he had such a horrible experience with my mood that he is going to great lengths to prevent it from happening again. Maybe it's a combination of the two. I'm told to embrace being a woman. God made me with emotions and we women benefit others with our caring, sensitivity, compassion and conscienciousness. But the lies tell me that I would be better off if I was like my husband. Nothing seems to rattle him. He is as even as a pole. He is so in control of his emotions. There are no bitter words or uncalled for comments. He doesn't say things he doesn't mean in a fit of emotions. He doesn't let little stupid thoughts fill his head until he can't take it anymore and it all comes out.
I want to be the homemaker who easily keeps the house in order and the kids on track. I want to be the one who can throw a party with nary a stress or care. It just happens. I want to be the easy going wife who feels nothing but happiness for her husband when he gets a night out with the guys. I want to have it all together gosh darnit! Or at least make it look as if I do!!! LOL. I think it's with all this wanting and pretending that I feel a certain way...I'm just lying to myself. I want to see the pittfalls before they happen. I want to anticipate them and anticipate how I will feel and then do something about it. "Honey, you know those two night that you are gone. Those two 34 hour periods really build up a need in me for a break from the kids. Can I have some free time somewhere in there because I know I will hit a brick wall if I don't get it. Especially since this party is coming up Saturday." Wow. That's all I need to do. Look at the week and anticipate my emotions. Know myself. The problem with this is, realistically, I may never be able to predict this stuff. Life is too busy to "anticipate". I'm a positive person, I think it is all doable. My husband sees the pittfalls and I see the posibilities....until I crash, then it's all negative for a good two hours.
Saturday turned out fine. I was fine the whole day because I was actually being productive and I wasn't worrying about what I could get done, I was just doing it. I was relaxed and happy at the party. All sad feelings gone. Go figure. I can't figure it out. I'm back to my "I can do it" mentality. I guess it's a natural ebb and flow. Life. Life with little kids.
Hmmmm...Let's look at this week: Monday night: Women's Group, Tuesday night: Sam has a Den meeting, Wednesday night: Mother/Daughter dinner with Girl Scouts, Thursday night: Abby's Softball practice, Friday night: Abby's Softball game, Saturday--Ted is helping his Dad move some things in the garage, Saturday night is free and Sunday is Mother's Day with two family get togethers and it's all free time for me!!!! Yah right. Despite the busy week, I don't feel overwhelmed by it. I guess it's because these things don't feel stressful to me. In fact, some of them are fun for me. We'll see how it goes....
--Carpool lady is on complete bedrest because of preterm labor. I now pick up every day except Friday. Ben is not getting his naps because he's not tired early enough for a full nap. I can't lay him down at 2pm, his usually nap time, because I leave at 2:40 to pick up the kids. I keep him up instead and sometimes he just skips a full nap. Sometimes I lay him down when I come home...either way, it's screwed with his schedule. I'm not getting a good break from the kids. Mary's nap is the only sure thing that happens...and that didn't happen on Friday.
--At my CRHP meeting last Sunday, I was asked to lead music for the retreat this fall. This brought a flurry of excitement, thinking, practicing (basically obsessing) for two days straight. Sunday night I couldn't sleep. With this distraction going on, I neglected other things.
--Mary is now in full cahoots with Ben and is getting into everything. She spills full boxes of cereal on the floor, plays in the toilet water, cannot be served peanut butter and jelly or she'll be wearing it, wants to be held a lot, wants what Ben has, she writes on everything, she climbs on my hutch and gets into the higher drawers, and is just plain and simple higher maintenance these days. Not every day is bad, I don't want to overexaggerate, but it has the potential to be.
--Ted was gone Monday night (Men's group) and Thursday night (golf and dinner at a friend's country club). Having the kids all day and then these two additional nights added to my strain.
--Ben's birthday party was Saturday and Friday was so bad, I got nothing done. This seemed to cap off my stress that now all the housework had to be done on Saturday, the day of the party. I think my crash wouldn't have happened if I didn't have this party to prepare for.
I like to do things in advance. I hate the burden of a bunch of stuff that has to be done in a short time frame. I like to do things gradually. Mainly because I have little ones that take up a lot of my time....and 2 hours at home with the kids can mean (doesn't always mean) maybe 15 minutes of actually accomplishing something. I can't control my time. I can't control what happens one minute to the next. I can't have a quiet moment to myself. Nothing is mine. I've gotten used to most of this just being a mother everyday. You have to get used to it. But Friday, I guess not getting that one little nap from Mary was enough to send me on a downward spiral. My week must have been built on a house of cards without me even realizing it. Were the above contributing factors really enough to wear me down? In and of themselves, I didn't think they were big deals, but collectively they must have chipped at my armor.
It was all a bad enough experience for Ted that he was searching for solutions. This is what he has already vowed to do:
1) He wants to send Ben and Mary to the summer 8 week session of the Mom's Day Out program that Ben is now in. The session starts in July. He figured, instead of waiting for the school year to start this, why not start it as soon as we can? That way, I'll get a much needed break from the kids. I'm still kinda torn about this. Are we overreacting to one stressful and depressing day? Wasn't it mainly caused by the birthday party? If so, that is over now and I don't have another birthday party for 5 months!!! Won't some of my stress be over when summer hits because there will be no more carpooling and I'll have Sam and Abby's help with entertaining the kids? Or am I just being a guilty mom? Should I take advantage of this because then I can take Sam and Abby to the pool on that one free day a week or any other outing that's hard to do with the whole family? Any input is appreciated.
2) He wants to get help from our parents occasionally to sit at home while the kids nap so I can do carpool without waking them. He's already signed his mom up for Tuesday. I feel grateful, but terrible at the same time that she is taking a 25 minute drive to our house just watch my littles during carpool!
I don't know if I should feel blessed and taken care of by my husband or if I should feel bad that he had such a horrible experience with my mood that he is going to great lengths to prevent it from happening again. Maybe it's a combination of the two. I'm told to embrace being a woman. God made me with emotions and we women benefit others with our caring, sensitivity, compassion and conscienciousness. But the lies tell me that I would be better off if I was like my husband. Nothing seems to rattle him. He is as even as a pole. He is so in control of his emotions. There are no bitter words or uncalled for comments. He doesn't say things he doesn't mean in a fit of emotions. He doesn't let little stupid thoughts fill his head until he can't take it anymore and it all comes out.
I want to be the homemaker who easily keeps the house in order and the kids on track. I want to be the one who can throw a party with nary a stress or care. It just happens. I want to be the easy going wife who feels nothing but happiness for her husband when he gets a night out with the guys. I want to have it all together gosh darnit! Or at least make it look as if I do!!! LOL. I think it's with all this wanting and pretending that I feel a certain way...I'm just lying to myself. I want to see the pittfalls before they happen. I want to anticipate them and anticipate how I will feel and then do something about it. "Honey, you know those two night that you are gone. Those two 34 hour periods really build up a need in me for a break from the kids. Can I have some free time somewhere in there because I know I will hit a brick wall if I don't get it. Especially since this party is coming up Saturday." Wow. That's all I need to do. Look at the week and anticipate my emotions. Know myself. The problem with this is, realistically, I may never be able to predict this stuff. Life is too busy to "anticipate". I'm a positive person, I think it is all doable. My husband sees the pittfalls and I see the posibilities....until I crash, then it's all negative for a good two hours.
Saturday turned out fine. I was fine the whole day because I was actually being productive and I wasn't worrying about what I could get done, I was just doing it. I was relaxed and happy at the party. All sad feelings gone. Go figure. I can't figure it out. I'm back to my "I can do it" mentality. I guess it's a natural ebb and flow. Life. Life with little kids.
Hmmmm...Let's look at this week: Monday night: Women's Group, Tuesday night: Sam has a Den meeting, Wednesday night: Mother/Daughter dinner with Girl Scouts, Thursday night: Abby's Softball practice, Friday night: Abby's Softball game, Saturday--Ted is helping his Dad move some things in the garage, Saturday night is free and Sunday is Mother's Day with two family get togethers and it's all free time for me!!!! Yah right. Despite the busy week, I don't feel overwhelmed by it. I guess it's because these things don't feel stressful to me. In fact, some of them are fun for me. We'll see how it goes....
Thursday, May 04, 2006
Snapshot Thursday
What's at the top of my to-do list?
--Get ready for Ben's birthday. He's turning 3 Saturday. I need to form my hamburger patties and get the house cleaned.
What have I accomplished?
--Just this morning, I took down Ben's baby bed. Mary screamed during the entire process "NO! NO! NO!". You would think her village was getting raped and pillaged! It was very difficult to work with her hanging on me. Ben was totally fine until Mary's cries got to him and he said, "Mommy, I'm scared!". Geez. This is supposed to be FUN! They started to regroup as I put together the big bed and saw the potential bouncing factor. I moved the room around to juggle the bigger sized bed and hung some train shelves that used to be in Sam's room over a little bookcase. The room already looked mostly complete! We cleaned up and then went to WalMart to get Thomas Sheets. Ben held the sheets in the cart and just stared at them. I got a lot of shopping done while he studied those sheets. As soon as we got home we put them on his bed and he wanted to lay down right away. He loves his new room! I'd like to hang a Thomas poster. I think I'll shop on-line for one.
What's bugging me?
--Ants all over our house.
--Broken bench on the back patio that could collapse if someone sits on it.
--Ben's high pitched, whiney requests/demands.
What have I said I was going to do but I haven't?
--I'm still not eating healthy. I'm eating more fruit but not enough veggies.
What's my latest obsession?
--Preparing for my CRHP retreat. They've asked me to lead music and I've been a maniac, pouring through song books and trying to see what would be good music to play. I'm constantly sneaking away into my bedroom, practicing songs on my guitar. From all the guitar playing, I'm developing new blisters on my fingertips. I went through quite a long period of not playing. This gives me a reason to play again. It's a mix of fear of failure coupled with excitement.
What's been making me happy?
--One evening I told Ted that I feel like Sam and Abby are strangers. Ben and Mary require most of my attention. Sam and Abby are already gone most of the day at school, and then when they come home, they ask for snacks and then run to the computer or outside to play. Then I'm preparing dinner, we eat, do homework, sometimes we have some family time, but most of the time one of us is running off to grocery shop, or go to a meeting (CRHP or Men's and Women's Group). We don't always have a sit down together dinner meal. Sometimes I'll feed the kids before Ted gets home. The game nights on Wednesdays have helped, but it's not enough. We're not really talking, we're spending fun time together...which is good...but not really talking. After discussing it, we decided to follow our routine on Wednesday nights, but do it every night. Have all the kids ready for bed by 8pm, lay Ben and Mary down, and then spend time with Sam and Abby. Instead of playing a game (which we'll still do on Wednesdays), we'll share our highlights of the day and lowpoints. I thought the kids would be bored with this, but I noticed them reminding us, "Aren't we going to talk tonight?". We find out things about their day that they wouldn't have taken the time to tell us otherwise. Some people can naturally do this during their regular day and don't need time set aside. I hope to be in that place some day. For right now, this works perfectly for us. It's really nice because we end up snuggling together on the couches. The kids seem at total peace, knowing they have our full attention. It's basically what Ted and I do every night before bedtime. It's been working great for us too. This has been making me happy lately.
--The thought of a finished basement. We gave the bid to a friend who is a teacher during the year and does these side jobs in the summer. He's going to do our basement over the summer and Ted will make our cost cheaper by taking off 4-5 days of work to help! I can't wait to transform our dark, dreary mess of a basement to a bright, cheery and organized one!
--Get ready for Ben's birthday. He's turning 3 Saturday. I need to form my hamburger patties and get the house cleaned.
What have I accomplished?
--Just this morning, I took down Ben's baby bed. Mary screamed during the entire process "NO! NO! NO!". You would think her village was getting raped and pillaged! It was very difficult to work with her hanging on me. Ben was totally fine until Mary's cries got to him and he said, "Mommy, I'm scared!". Geez. This is supposed to be FUN! They started to regroup as I put together the big bed and saw the potential bouncing factor. I moved the room around to juggle the bigger sized bed and hung some train shelves that used to be in Sam's room over a little bookcase. The room already looked mostly complete! We cleaned up and then went to WalMart to get Thomas Sheets. Ben held the sheets in the cart and just stared at them. I got a lot of shopping done while he studied those sheets. As soon as we got home we put them on his bed and he wanted to lay down right away. He loves his new room! I'd like to hang a Thomas poster. I think I'll shop on-line for one.
What's bugging me?
--Ants all over our house.
--Broken bench on the back patio that could collapse if someone sits on it.
--Ben's high pitched, whiney requests/demands.
What have I said I was going to do but I haven't?
--I'm still not eating healthy. I'm eating more fruit but not enough veggies.
What's my latest obsession?
--Preparing for my CRHP retreat. They've asked me to lead music and I've been a maniac, pouring through song books and trying to see what would be good music to play. I'm constantly sneaking away into my bedroom, practicing songs on my guitar. From all the guitar playing, I'm developing new blisters on my fingertips. I went through quite a long period of not playing. This gives me a reason to play again. It's a mix of fear of failure coupled with excitement.
What's been making me happy?
--One evening I told Ted that I feel like Sam and Abby are strangers. Ben and Mary require most of my attention. Sam and Abby are already gone most of the day at school, and then when they come home, they ask for snacks and then run to the computer or outside to play. Then I'm preparing dinner, we eat, do homework, sometimes we have some family time, but most of the time one of us is running off to grocery shop, or go to a meeting (CRHP or Men's and Women's Group). We don't always have a sit down together dinner meal. Sometimes I'll feed the kids before Ted gets home. The game nights on Wednesdays have helped, but it's not enough. We're not really talking, we're spending fun time together...which is good...but not really talking. After discussing it, we decided to follow our routine on Wednesday nights, but do it every night. Have all the kids ready for bed by 8pm, lay Ben and Mary down, and then spend time with Sam and Abby. Instead of playing a game (which we'll still do on Wednesdays), we'll share our highlights of the day and lowpoints. I thought the kids would be bored with this, but I noticed them reminding us, "Aren't we going to talk tonight?". We find out things about their day that they wouldn't have taken the time to tell us otherwise. Some people can naturally do this during their regular day and don't need time set aside. I hope to be in that place some day. For right now, this works perfectly for us. It's really nice because we end up snuggling together on the couches. The kids seem at total peace, knowing they have our full attention. It's basically what Ted and I do every night before bedtime. It's been working great for us too. This has been making me happy lately.
--The thought of a finished basement. We gave the bid to a friend who is a teacher during the year and does these side jobs in the summer. He's going to do our basement over the summer and Ted will make our cost cheaper by taking off 4-5 days of work to help! I can't wait to transform our dark, dreary mess of a basement to a bright, cheery and organized one!
Tuesday, May 02, 2006
If Life Were Like My Moxi Box
Today a show came on that I knew my kids would like, so I hit the "Record" button on my Moxi box controller. OK, you've all heard me extol praises on my Moxi box before. You know, it's that "TIVO" type thing that lets you record live TV? Anyway, it struck me how nice it would be if life were like my Moxi box. There are so many times when I experience a wonderful moment...if only I could hit "Record" and replay it later as many times as I want! I can never get my camera in time, or sometimes my video camera has a dead battery. Imagine just being able to press a button and record life in it's full picture! A camera only records a still picture, a video camera captures what it can see, but what if you could really relive something because you recorded it!
Just as nice as recording the good stuff...what about fast forward? Wouldn't that be cool to fast forward all the stuff you don't want to have to go through but you know you have to? Like when I notice a child is at the beginning of a long illness...fast forward. Or when I have a sleepless night...fast forward. Dealing with a crabby child...fast forward. A long drive in the car with impatient kids...fast forward.
Sometimes in life, the pain has already been inflicted before you can hit fast forward. Don't you worry, with Moxi, everything is on a schedule and preprogrammed! You know when it's coming! No more missing the good stuff or not knowing when the bad stuff is coming because it's already scheduled! The schedule might read: Ben does something very cute with Mary at 12pm (set up to record!). Ben will be very needy between 8am and 9am (Don't try to get anything done or you'll just be frustrated and disappointed). Ben and Mary will play very nicely between 10:00 am and 11:30am (schedule cropping or blogging!). I could be so much more efficient if I knew what was coming my way.
Say that something bad happened to you and left you with bitter feelings or anger. DELETE it!! What if you have a crazy weekend and you can't do all the things you have committed to? Hit "Pause" on one of the activities and experience it later!! Have a child who is trying to get your attention in the midst of chaos? Pause him/her and replay when you have more time. Did you just miss something that happened because you weren't paying attention? Pause and rewind. What did she say? Rewind.
I know...I'm getting a little too carried away with this. I know in all reality that it wouldn't be a good thing. If you don't experience the bad and only felt the good stuff, would you really appreciate the good anymore? If you could always pause and replay things on a whim, would you really try to fully live it the first time? I get a rush of emotions when I "catch" my kids doing cute stuff. I don't know if I would feel that way if I knew it was recorded and not preciously playing out only once. Despite the pitfalls, it was fun to dream a little. Thanks for dreaming with me :-).
Just as nice as recording the good stuff...what about fast forward? Wouldn't that be cool to fast forward all the stuff you don't want to have to go through but you know you have to? Like when I notice a child is at the beginning of a long illness...fast forward. Or when I have a sleepless night...fast forward. Dealing with a crabby child...fast forward. A long drive in the car with impatient kids...fast forward.
Sometimes in life, the pain has already been inflicted before you can hit fast forward. Don't you worry, with Moxi, everything is on a schedule and preprogrammed! You know when it's coming! No more missing the good stuff or not knowing when the bad stuff is coming because it's already scheduled! The schedule might read: Ben does something very cute with Mary at 12pm (set up to record!). Ben will be very needy between 8am and 9am (Don't try to get anything done or you'll just be frustrated and disappointed). Ben and Mary will play very nicely between 10:00 am and 11:30am (schedule cropping or blogging!). I could be so much more efficient if I knew what was coming my way.
Say that something bad happened to you and left you with bitter feelings or anger. DELETE it!! What if you have a crazy weekend and you can't do all the things you have committed to? Hit "Pause" on one of the activities and experience it later!! Have a child who is trying to get your attention in the midst of chaos? Pause him/her and replay when you have more time. Did you just miss something that happened because you weren't paying attention? Pause and rewind. What did she say? Rewind.
I know...I'm getting a little too carried away with this. I know in all reality that it wouldn't be a good thing. If you don't experience the bad and only felt the good stuff, would you really appreciate the good anymore? If you could always pause and replay things on a whim, would you really try to fully live it the first time? I get a rush of emotions when I "catch" my kids doing cute stuff. I don't know if I would feel that way if I knew it was recorded and not preciously playing out only once. Despite the pitfalls, it was fun to dream a little. Thanks for dreaming with me :-).
Monday, May 01, 2006
Wasted Money and Money Well Spent
I hate the idea of wasting money. I grew up in a house of six kids and a blue collar working dad with a stay at home mom. We knew never to leave the door open while the air conditioner was on and NO in and out! Don't leave the fridge open while you are deciding what to eat...decide what you will eat before you open the fridge. Eat everything off your plate and let nothing go to waste. I could go on, but you get my drift.
I would say that I have adopted most of that mentality for myself. It affects a lot of my money making decisions. I hate buying winter coats because they are only used for a season. I get them used or I buy them way too big so it takes my kids like three years to grow into them. I used to avoid crop pants because I thought there was such a short window of time that they are appropriate (Wrong! Now I love them!). It was difficult for me to buy maternity clothes because I knew they would only be worn when I was pregnant. I can't spend a lot of money on a vacation because I see it as money gone with nothing but memories to show for it (I can't imagine paying for airfare for a whole family and hotel room and food! gasp!). I don't totally take it to the extreme. I feel like we enjoy more trips as a family because we bought our trailer. I love spending money on updating and decorating our house...but I won't change my mind two months later because I'm sick of it. That would be too costly. It was difficult for me to buy a story and a half because you have two rooms that aren't used often, the main one being the dining room (Wasted space!). I still haven't bought Dining Room furniture, but I plan to.
Since this is my thinking, I can spot waste pretty easily. There is waste sitting on a storage shelf in my bedroom. It represents all the wasted money on underutilized Christmas gifts every year. It is Abby's sewing machine. It got relegated to the top shelf when after the first time we used it, it got all in knots and we couldn't undo it and the bobbin wouldn't go back in correctly. I was so frustrated about the $50 I spent and the wasted time on getting it back in working order, that I tossed it onto the shelf. I cringe whenever I see it. $50. For nothing. When I bought it I pictured us spending loads of mother/daughter time on purses, pillows, blankets, etc. Instead we were frustrated, tired and mad at the darn machine (I know "frustrated" and "mad" are similar but I couldn't think of another word). I ordered it online, so it would be a pain to return it. I insist on getting it figured it out eventually, but I know that will never happen. Why didn't I just let her use my machine? Why did I buy her her own?
What other presents have I wasted my money on? I'll include the presents that I bought using my parents and in-laws money because I shop for them (because I know what the kids want and will actually use... ha ha ha).
--The electronic Battleship game for Sam--It has all kinds of cool effects, but it takes too long to set them up so we play it like the old fashioned one, without all the sound effects. I spent about $50 of my in-laws money for that sucker.
--The hot pink in-line roller skates for Abby--Of course I bought a cheap pair, but they are hardly ever used!
--The Little People series for Ben--We have a town with a circle street with all kinds of add-on houses. The street is so big, I can't keep it set up... but it's a pain to keep setting it up when you want to play with it, so I keep it in Ben's room where it never gets played. We also have a Noah's ark. I guess it got some play-time, but no one plays with it now.
--The Knifty Knitter for Abby--I used it more than she did.
--The many tricycles in every size for every age group--I don't know what I was thinking. I over-bought on tricycles. We keep them in the dark, scary basement where they never get ridden.
These are the recent ones. If I go back some years I could list more: The magicians set, Lite-Brite, Easy Bake Oven, etc.
What have been my tried and true favorites (in no particular order)that were used to death?
--Thomas Trains--Worth the investment. LOVE THEM.
--Legos--They never get old.
--Hotwheels cars--At $1 each you can't go wrong and boys LOVE THEM.
--Crayons, Markers and Paper--They get used all the time.
--Play-doh--I love play-doh. Sam and Abby spent hours upon hours playing with their play-doh when they were younger.
--Water color paint set--My kids loved these! We went through many!
--Barbies--Abby's done with these, but you could get them so cheap and they got played with over and over.
--Balls--Every shape and size. Kids love them and they NEVER get old.
--Basketball hoops--From the backyard expensive one to the Nerf over the door hoop. Boys love 'em!
--Our swingset--The best investment we made for the kids. They have a place to hang-out when they are outside with their friends. Fun for all ages.
--Plastic Golf Clubs--OMG. These were used over and over. Not the cheap ones...they break. I like the ones with the all in one club (yellow) and the blue carrier. Can't remember if it's Fisher Price or Little Tikes, but they are the best.
--Books and Puzzles-- They are just staples.
--Dress up clothes--With the shoes, necklaces and hats...they get used all the time.
--Play Kitchen Set--Big hit.
--Tinker Toys--You wouldn't believe how much they like these. I don't get the thrill, but I bought a double batch and that was a good thing!
--Used Digital cameras--These were the most popular presents last year. Everyone was jealous of my kids. I spent around $50 each for a good quality cameras on Ebay. My kids love them and bring them to field trips and family get togethers.
--Game Boy and Playstation 2--As much as people don't like their kids playing too much of this stuff...they've only been a positive experience for me. You just have to have guidelines. I've always bought used games and totally get my money's worth.
--Wooden Doll House--Bought it at Sam's and it doubles as a bookcase. It's so cute, I leave it up even though Abby doesn't play with it anymore.
--The computer--I can't tell you how much this has entertained my kids. They go on free websites to play games. They play educational games too. It's great training for the use of the computer in the future.
I'm sure I'm forgetting something, but I need to make dinner. If I was a grandparent or new parent, these are the kind of toys I recommend having.
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