Time. Patience. Endurance

Today, Ted decided that he would stay late at work to do some catch up instead of going to Men's group. After I picked up the kids from school I decided to visit my sister Becky. When you take four kids to visit someone and it happens to overlap a meal time...it's a lot of work. I called her and she said she wasn't doing anything. I told her I had some cute flower shelves from Abby's room that she might want to use in her baby room. They were just sitting in Abby's closet because they no longer went with the decor. After hanging up with her, I grabbed some food from the freezer, refrigerator and pantry. She has no kids yet so I never assume she can just feed mine on a moments notice. Actually, I don't assume that for anyone, but anyway, I had thrown in pizza rolls, mini corn dogs, chicken strips, some french buns and turkey for us to make roasted sandwiches, and a salad. As a mom, you have to come prepared. I hate not being prepared. I filled up the sippy cups, packed the diaper bag, loaded up the three shelves, packed Sam's Game Boy, Ben's trains, put shoes on Ben and Mary's feet and finally we were ready to go. She lives about 17 miles from my house. We haven't been there in a while because her in-laws were living with her while they built a house. Now the in-laws were gone and she felt more free to entertain.

While we were driving over, Ben said, "We're going to Becky and Jerry's house, and Goldy". Oh yah. I forgot about Goldy. Goldy is their big, playful, still puppy-like lab. Ben and Mary are terrified of her. She always runs right up to them and freaks them out. I mean panicking screams of terror. I hoped we could intercept her before she reaches the kids. I got the kids out of the car and started unloading all of our stuff. Goldy came bounding from behind the house and headed right towards Ben and Mary. SCREAMS OF HOLY TERROR!! Sheer panic and chaos erupted. They ran around in circles as Goldy happily came straight towards them. They fell in fear. Becky opened the front door for Ben and Mary and Goldy came running into the house following Ben and Mary. I grabbed one of them while Becky corralled Goldy out of the house (they have an electric fence). They cried like they had encountered the worse evil. Their sobs continued. I kept telling them over and over, "Goldy is outside...she can't hurt you". Ben always repeats, when there is a bug or anything he's afraid of, "He won't hurt you"...like he's reminding himself of my mantra. He repeated these words tonight, "He won't hurt you"...."No Ben, She won't hurt you". They needed to be held. Finally, they seemed to settle down a little. Their security was building up enough to get off my lap. A friend of Becky's was with her and witness this whole event. She was getting ready to leave and said goodbye to Becky. When she opened the door, GUESS WHAT!!! Goldy came bounding through the door and lovingly lavished Ben and Mary with sniffs and kisses. They ran in circles and screamed and cried out for me. That was the last straw. They were scarred for life. I sat in Becky's foyer as I saw Becky step outside with her friend. Ben and Mary both clung to me as I held them on the bench. How am I going to build up their security again?? I told them it would be fine last time and I was wrong. I was doomed. I saw Becky and her friend turn so I couldn't see their faces and the gave each other looks like, "Oh my Gosh...I can't believe that just happened." The way they hid their looks from me (or tried to) just made me feel...yucky. I know these things happen. I don't blame myself or anyone for that matter, but it was definitely a moment of sheer humility for me. To know that people are pitying me in this situation. Becky came back inside and it never got better. Ben clung to me. Mary loosened up and got over it. Ben was tense. His whole body was stiff with nervousness. He kept crying out. Big screaming cries. Loud. Abby turned up the TV. She couldn't hear. This made everything too loud. I had to repeat over Ben's cries to "TURN THE TV DOWN!!!" Sam just sat there and played Game Boy. We tried to pretend we could go on about our visiting. Becky looked at the shelves and said they wouldn't go with her decor. ('All for nothing', I thought...and a whole bunch of other mental statements that aren't worth repeating because then I would have to explain my whole relationship with Becky and I just can't). She showed me the baby's room. I must remind you that we had to strain to hear each other because BEN WOULD NOT STOP CRYING. We did a lot of hard looking at the lips because, in times like this, it's good to use a little lip reading. We sat back down in the family room...bringing the cries back to that room. Abby turned up the TV again. ABBY!!!! Ben didn't have a nap today and that didn't help. Everything was overdramatized. "Ben. It's OK. Goldy's all gone. She's NOT coming back. You need to stop crying or I will put you down. Do you want to go home?"..."No..."...."Then stop crying!".

Sometimes you say to yourself, "Is this going to end? Is this worth it? Would we all be better if we just went home? We were only about 30 minutes into a visit that took almost 30 minutes to get there. "Ben, if you don't stop crying, we're going home." He tried. He really did. He couldn't control himself. He was beyond consoling. Ok. We're going home. Time to reverse the whole process. I angrily loaded up the shelves I took the time to bring. I got all of my food out of the freezer and fridge. Got the sippy cups, diaper bag and kids. Becky helped me by carrying Mary, while I carried Ben. There was NO way he was going to walk. Thankfully, Goldy was in the backyard and did not come in front. Once we are seatbelted, I got in the car. "We'll get together some other time", Becky said. Yah....

I wonder what she thinks about this whole parenting thing. Does she worry she will have kids like mine and wonder how she'll get through it? Does she think she would do things differently and that would produce different results? Does she think I had too many kids? I wonder those things, but in the end, it really doesn't matter. I feel good enough about the decisions I made and I know this is just a moment. The big picture is what drives me. What drives me is Ben's knock knock joke he told us on the way to her house. "Knock Knock"....."Who's there?"..."YAH!!" (said enthusiastically)...."YAH Who?"..."Yah...I didn't know you were a cowboy!".

I KNOW I will have more joyful moments like this. I know they are going to come more closer together. I know things will get easier. In fact, I cling to that knowledge. It's not Ben's fault. Ben is Ben. I think it's hard for Ben to be who he is right now. Especially when he doesn't get a nap (darn carpool). And Becky is only working from what she knows. She respects me so I doubt she's judging me too harshly. She'll find out soon enough. Or maybe not. Maybe she won't have a challenging personality to deal with. Maybe she'll stop at two kids and never see the workload that I see.

As much work as it is, I am so happy to have my kids. Sam and Abby were two years apart and they were also a lot of work at this time. As they grew up, they became the best playmates and it was great. They entertained each other. I know the same thing will happen with Ben and Mary. Time. Patience. Endurance. All in due time. As for now...it's time for me to go to bed. Tomorrow will be easier.