Tomorrow morning I leave on a short retreat with women from my parish. I say the term "leave" loosely, because I will be 10 minutes away, staying in the junior high building of our school. If it doesn't sound like plush accommodations, it's because it isn't. We will be sleeping on cots in the classrooms with no shower facilities. Sounds nice, huh? The retreat goes 'til 4pm on Sunday. I'm trying to figure out how to feel as clean as possible on that second day. I'm stewing up a plan on how I will wash my hair. I'm picturing myself stooped over a little "junior high" bathroom sink, washing my hair and then with high maintenance flair, going through the steps of blowing it dry and teasing and hairspraying it...followed up of course, by a full application of make up.
We all have our own steps we need to take to feel "put together". These are mine gosh darnit and I'm stickin' to them! Do I sound a little protective of my routine? Well, hey...I'm sacrificing my full shower! I'm willing to put up with that "not so fresh" feeling. Isn't that good enough? I mean, I put spray gel and hairspray on my hair every day. I really need to wash that stuff off! Yes, I can just brush through my hair like the next girl, but I just don't feel right. Getting my shower every day makes me feel ready to face the day. Since I can't have a shower, washing my hair would be the closest I could get to that.
When I explained this to my sister whose been on a CRHP, she said, "You mean you wash your hair every day?". Yes! You might reason that I could wash my hair as soon as I get home...but the point is, if I just was going home in the morning, no problem. But I would have to sit like that all day. It would be pure torture. I would be with all of these women whom I barely know with dirty, old, hairsprayed ridden hair. I just can't do it. I'd like to think of myself as a non-shallow, low maintenance person who is not whatsoever self conscious, but this totally blows my cover. I asked my sister, Lisa, if she remembered anyone washing their hair in the sink. "No...and I don't remember the sounds of any blowdryers either, but if you want to do it, DO IT!".
This is where the self conscious part comes in. My desire to be clean has more to do with myself than other people. After all, I get my shower in before Ted leaves for work, not because I'm going to be seeing other people, but because I just feel better and ready for my day. However, I get self-conscious thinking about what people will think when they see me going to extra lengths to wash my hair. And then I worry about coming out looking all perfect and making them feel like crap. I know...it's complicated. These are my inner voices that plague me all day *smile*. This is the conflict within myself that brews. Maybe I'll wash my hair before I go to bed and then I don't have to turn on the loud blow dryer that draws attention to myself in the morning. Hmmm...
I know it looks like I'm focusing on a small, stupid problem when I should be concerned and praying for the success of the retreat. I have been praying that it all goes well and that God blesses it...and well, this is just an example of my human nature. I'm not this perfectly spiritual person who has it all together. I worry about dumb stuff that won't matter for anything when it comes to the goal of heaven. However, I've lived with myself long enough to know, that I need to accept my idiosyncrasies and work with them. We'll see how it goes.
I don't know how the retreat will go...but at least I'll know my hair will look good. *snort* just kidding.
Friday, March 24, 2006
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
Moles
Have you ever had a mole (or something similar) that just appears, and over time you get used to it, but deep down you really don't like it? Ted has had such a mole. It was small enough on the surface, that it didn't look like a mole. It was just a bump on his nose. In fact, it looked like a pimple. I got used to seeing it and it didn't bother me much. I often forgot it was there. Sometimes, I just didn't look closely enough at Ted to even notice it. The other day, when we were at my friend's wake, the lighting was such that it made Ted's mole really stand out. The light cast a shadow on the mole and it seemed bigger than normal. All of a sudden, it really bugged me. I approached him in my usual, loving manner and said, "You need to take care of that thing". He was surprised. I explained that in the current light, it looked really bad. In fact, it was all I could see.
I wonder how many times I have lived with a "mole", but it didn't bug me enough to do something about it? Sometimes we just need to shed the right light on it and we can see it for what it really is. God has been shedding light on my moles lately...on me and my relationship with Ted. They are small things we just lived with and didn't think anything of. They didn't bother us a whole lot at the time, but now God is showing them for what they truly are...in His light. We didn't see them as a big deal, but you know, a mole can be cancerous and can spread. It may start small, but it could get bigger and take over in other areas of the body....right down to the lymph nodes. Who wants to take that chance? Might as well nip that mole!!! After all, when it's smaller, it's a lot easier to take care of.
Ted got two moles removed the other day (the other one was behind his ear, on his hairline). Just like that, they are gone! The dermatologist who took them off, told him the one on his nose had a deep root. When they have a deep root, they aren't discolored...they blend in with the skin. So maybe that's why we didn't play attention to it that much because it blended right in. The doctor said she doubted they were cancer, but she would send them off to the lab anyway.
I don't know that all the "moles of life" are as easy to remove. Sometimes they are more gradual and painful to let go of. I believe that any "mole" in life can be a cancer if we let it. The more we don't see it's threat, the more powerful it is and it's ability to spread becomes greater. It's when we see it for what it is, that we can take care of it. I wonder if I have other moles that I need to take care of? Maybe that's my new prayer, "God, show me my moles... in your light".
I wonder how many times I have lived with a "mole", but it didn't bug me enough to do something about it? Sometimes we just need to shed the right light on it and we can see it for what it really is. God has been shedding light on my moles lately...on me and my relationship with Ted. They are small things we just lived with and didn't think anything of. They didn't bother us a whole lot at the time, but now God is showing them for what they truly are...in His light. We didn't see them as a big deal, but you know, a mole can be cancerous and can spread. It may start small, but it could get bigger and take over in other areas of the body....right down to the lymph nodes. Who wants to take that chance? Might as well nip that mole!!! After all, when it's smaller, it's a lot easier to take care of.
Ted got two moles removed the other day (the other one was behind his ear, on his hairline). Just like that, they are gone! The dermatologist who took them off, told him the one on his nose had a deep root. When they have a deep root, they aren't discolored...they blend in with the skin. So maybe that's why we didn't play attention to it that much because it blended right in. The doctor said she doubted they were cancer, but she would send them off to the lab anyway.
I don't know that all the "moles of life" are as easy to remove. Sometimes they are more gradual and painful to let go of. I believe that any "mole" in life can be a cancer if we let it. The more we don't see it's threat, the more powerful it is and it's ability to spread becomes greater. It's when we see it for what it is, that we can take care of it. I wonder if I have other moles that I need to take care of? Maybe that's my new prayer, "God, show me my moles... in your light".
Monday, March 20, 2006
Snapshot...Tuesday?
I'm behind on my snapshots so I thought I would do one now.
What’s at the top of my to-do list?
--Get ready for retreat this weekend. This is called CRHP and a lot of the parishes in this area are doing this retreat. People from your own parish run the retreat and give testimonies and then once you have attended one, you are asked to help with the next one. They keep going this way. The torched is passed on to the next team. I'm looking forward to meeting more women in the parish.
--Clean out my closets. I'm getting the spring cleaning bug. My closet is a mess and the kids need to have their clothes gone through.
--Laundry
What have I accomplished?
--I have two baskets on my kitchen counter that were full of clutter. Today I dumped them out and stored one away and only put napkins in the other. I put away or threw away all the stuff that was in them.
--I made a meal for my brother and his girlfriend. She was in the hospital for an asthma attack that almost killed her. She's a smoker and has had constant bronchial problems and infections. This was the last straw. She quit smoking and is a new person. I can tell something has changed her and she is just glad to be alive. I visited her in the hospital (a month ago when it happened) and as we were leaving, asked her if she wanted to be prayed over. She responded enthusiatically and I feel it was blessed. I think God is working on her. She's starting to go look for a church she can go to regularly (hopefully my brother will go with her).
--I mapped out my unfinished basement on grid paper. I did a tentative basement design. I'm getting sick of toys and tricycles all over the basement. We'd like to enclose one big room with closets so we can actually put the toys away. It would just be a phase one, done as cheaply as we could do it...no bathroom or bedroom yet.
--I'm on day 32 in the book, Purpose Driven Life. I'm telling you, I love this book. I feel like I have direction. God is majorly working on me right now. I can't explain it very well, but He is taking me to a whole new level. I'm constantly inspired. I'm a new person. I've got this itch to serve others and serve Him as best I can. I'm still very present with my family...in fact, moreso. It's like, before, things were in black and white, and now...I'm seeing brilliant color. It's not all roses though. There has been some painful revealing going on too. A lot of crying, a lot of late night talking with Ted, but overall, a huge positive change, kind of like a cleansing, has come over me. It all started with my Women's Group retreat. I wanted to change my prayer life. I wanted one! I wanted a deeper relationship with Christ and I knew that started with talking to Him more. It all started with that big desire and God has brought to me things he wanted me to work on. He directed a bright spotlight on my relationship with Ted. We are working on some awesome things. I feel like this needed to be done first before anything else. We are still in the process of learning what God wants us to change, but I feel like the floodgates are open and that we are a powerful force now. We are reconnecting on a deeper level and are learning how to keep our communication lines open. Anything else I write on this blog pales in comparison to this section...it should be it's own separate blog. Oh well.
What’s bugging me?
--Ben is dumping everything!! The container of hotwheels, the container of Duplos, the basket of toys, the container of trains. ARgghhhh!! This is what has spurred me on wanting a room in the basement finished. I want to put the toys downstairs and make that room the playroom. My family room has become a toy pit.
--Blogger won't let me post pictures of Maggie! I'm trying!
What have I said I was going to do but I haven’t?
--Write blogs. I feel like I've missed a lot of days. My focus is on other stuff...like reading.
What’s my latest obsession?
--St. Therese. I just saw the movie and now I'm inspired to learn more about her. Today I ordered her "Story of a Soul" autobiography. In addition to that, I got the book "Captivating". This is the next book we'll read and study together in Women's Group.
--Organizing the house!
--My new skincare regime! I've got soft skin! I can't wait to get my new sea salt scrub (Arbonne) for my b-day!
What’s been making me happy?
--It's gonna snow tonight! Maybe we'll have a snow day tomorrow!
--The kids are allowing me some freedom.
--My new thirst for knowledge and time with God
--Talking more deeply with Ted
What’s at the top of my to-do list?
--Get ready for retreat this weekend. This is called CRHP and a lot of the parishes in this area are doing this retreat. People from your own parish run the retreat and give testimonies and then once you have attended one, you are asked to help with the next one. They keep going this way. The torched is passed on to the next team. I'm looking forward to meeting more women in the parish.
--Clean out my closets. I'm getting the spring cleaning bug. My closet is a mess and the kids need to have their clothes gone through.
--Laundry
What have I accomplished?
--I have two baskets on my kitchen counter that were full of clutter. Today I dumped them out and stored one away and only put napkins in the other. I put away or threw away all the stuff that was in them.
--I made a meal for my brother and his girlfriend. She was in the hospital for an asthma attack that almost killed her. She's a smoker and has had constant bronchial problems and infections. This was the last straw. She quit smoking and is a new person. I can tell something has changed her and she is just glad to be alive. I visited her in the hospital (a month ago when it happened) and as we were leaving, asked her if she wanted to be prayed over. She responded enthusiatically and I feel it was blessed. I think God is working on her. She's starting to go look for a church she can go to regularly (hopefully my brother will go with her).
--I mapped out my unfinished basement on grid paper. I did a tentative basement design. I'm getting sick of toys and tricycles all over the basement. We'd like to enclose one big room with closets so we can actually put the toys away. It would just be a phase one, done as cheaply as we could do it...no bathroom or bedroom yet.
--I'm on day 32 in the book, Purpose Driven Life. I'm telling you, I love this book. I feel like I have direction. God is majorly working on me right now. I can't explain it very well, but He is taking me to a whole new level. I'm constantly inspired. I'm a new person. I've got this itch to serve others and serve Him as best I can. I'm still very present with my family...in fact, moreso. It's like, before, things were in black and white, and now...I'm seeing brilliant color. It's not all roses though. There has been some painful revealing going on too. A lot of crying, a lot of late night talking with Ted, but overall, a huge positive change, kind of like a cleansing, has come over me. It all started with my Women's Group retreat. I wanted to change my prayer life. I wanted one! I wanted a deeper relationship with Christ and I knew that started with talking to Him more. It all started with that big desire and God has brought to me things he wanted me to work on. He directed a bright spotlight on my relationship with Ted. We are working on some awesome things. I feel like this needed to be done first before anything else. We are still in the process of learning what God wants us to change, but I feel like the floodgates are open and that we are a powerful force now. We are reconnecting on a deeper level and are learning how to keep our communication lines open. Anything else I write on this blog pales in comparison to this section...it should be it's own separate blog. Oh well.
What’s bugging me?
--Ben is dumping everything!! The container of hotwheels, the container of Duplos, the basket of toys, the container of trains. ARgghhhh!! This is what has spurred me on wanting a room in the basement finished. I want to put the toys downstairs and make that room the playroom. My family room has become a toy pit.
--Blogger won't let me post pictures of Maggie! I'm trying!
What have I said I was going to do but I haven’t?
--Write blogs. I feel like I've missed a lot of days. My focus is on other stuff...like reading.
What’s my latest obsession?
--St. Therese. I just saw the movie and now I'm inspired to learn more about her. Today I ordered her "Story of a Soul" autobiography. In addition to that, I got the book "Captivating". This is the next book we'll read and study together in Women's Group.
--Organizing the house!
--My new skincare regime! I've got soft skin! I can't wait to get my new sea salt scrub (Arbonne) for my b-day!
What’s been making me happy?
--It's gonna snow tonight! Maybe we'll have a snow day tomorrow!
--The kids are allowing me some freedom.
--My new thirst for knowledge and time with God
--Talking more deeply with Ted
Sunday, March 19, 2006
Relaxing Weekend
I wrote this post on Sunday. Just posted it today.
What a relaxing weekend! No basketball, no major plans. Abby had a slumber party last night and we're going to Ted's parents this afternoon to celebrate mine and Ted's brother's birthdays. It's so nice to slow down. I don't necessarily feel we are people who go too fast...but the nature of kids and activities can do that without you realizing it.
Friday and Saturday night we rented movies. Friday night, I finally watched The Passion. I've been wanting to do it for a long time, but it's one of those things you put off...."hmmm....do I want to see Jesus get tortured and crucified today or do I want to watch some escapism romantic comedy?". Ted saw it on the big screen but agreed to watch his parents' video with me. I noticed Mary (Jesus' mom, not my daughter :-) watched the whole thing...like she knew it was important. Your instinct is to cover your eyes, but Mary gave me the courage to watch as much as I could. Thank God for the flashbacks to Jesus' ministry...otherwise it might be unbearable! The main thing it reminded me was that I am a wimp and could never handle torture and thank God Jesus was not a wimp. It goes without saying that I think it is a powerful movie and a good reminder of what Jesus did for us. We easily take it for granted. I also think the Anne Catherine Emmerich books help to put the words behind the movie. Like during the agony in the garden. Emmerich talks about what Jesus was experiencing and it is so powerful.
Last weekend, we got new doors installed upstairs and yesterday Ted painted one. Yes, one. He used a little brush to get into all the nooks and it took him an hour and a half. This will take a while. I took Sam and Abby to the 5pm mass and grabbed a bite to eat afterwards so Abby could go straight to her slumber party.
Today was a relaxing day. Ted went to Best Buy and bought a dual screen portable dvd player. He got the Audiovox D1708. He tested it and it works great! We will mainly use it on camping trips...ok...and maybe when I'm running errands with the kids...and...maybe...whenever we get in the car...
What a relaxing weekend! No basketball, no major plans. Abby had a slumber party last night and we're going to Ted's parents this afternoon to celebrate mine and Ted's brother's birthdays. It's so nice to slow down. I don't necessarily feel we are people who go too fast...but the nature of kids and activities can do that without you realizing it.
Friday and Saturday night we rented movies. Friday night, I finally watched The Passion. I've been wanting to do it for a long time, but it's one of those things you put off...."hmmm....do I want to see Jesus get tortured and crucified today or do I want to watch some escapism romantic comedy?". Ted saw it on the big screen but agreed to watch his parents' video with me. I noticed Mary (Jesus' mom, not my daughter :-) watched the whole thing...like she knew it was important. Your instinct is to cover your eyes, but Mary gave me the courage to watch as much as I could. Thank God for the flashbacks to Jesus' ministry...otherwise it might be unbearable! The main thing it reminded me was that I am a wimp and could never handle torture and thank God Jesus was not a wimp. It goes without saying that I think it is a powerful movie and a good reminder of what Jesus did for us. We easily take it for granted. I also think the Anne Catherine Emmerich books help to put the words behind the movie. Like during the agony in the garden. Emmerich talks about what Jesus was experiencing and it is so powerful.
Last weekend, we got new doors installed upstairs and yesterday Ted painted one. Yes, one. He used a little brush to get into all the nooks and it took him an hour and a half. This will take a while. I took Sam and Abby to the 5pm mass and grabbed a bite to eat afterwards so Abby could go straight to her slumber party.
Today was a relaxing day. Ted went to Best Buy and bought a dual screen portable dvd player. He got the Audiovox D1708. He tested it and it works great! We will mainly use it on camping trips...ok...and maybe when I'm running errands with the kids...and...maybe...whenever we get in the car...
Friday, March 17, 2006
My Chance To Be A Branch!
This morning I went to my sister's house with Ben and Mary. Her kids are off school today so I thought we could visit. I came home around 1:15pm and laid Ben and Mary down for naps. That was over an hour ago and Mary is still sleeping! Wooo hooo! I decided to do my prayer time right afterwards. Sometimes I will fit my prayer/reading time in the day if I get a good moment. Then it frees up my evening to spend more time with Ted. I just read Day 30 from my "Purpose Driven Life" book. I am SO enjoying this book. I'd recommend it to anyone! It's great for the person at the very beginning of their walk with the Lord or the spiritually mature person because we can all use reminders. I'm somewhere in the middle and I love it.
Today's message is "You are shaped to serve the Lord". I read the chapter (very readable, simple, short, but still meaty) and I underline all the major points. Then I take notes in a notebook, so I can look back on it in the future if I want to, and it also helps to cement the info into my brain when I write it. Here are my notes from this chapter (which I particularly liked):
Psalm 139:16--"Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed."
"Nothing that happens in your life is insignificant. God uses all of it to mold you for your ministry to others and shape you for your service to Him.
God never wastes anything. He would not give you abilities, interests, talents, gifts, personality, and life experiences unless He intended to use them for His glory.
The heart reflects the person. Your heart reveals the real you--what you truly are, not what others think you are or what circumstances force you to be. We instinctively care about some things and not about others. These are clues to where you should be serving. Where does your passion lie? Don't ignore your interests. Consider how they might be used for God's glory. When you are doing what you love to do, no one has to motivate you or challenge you or check up on you. When you don't have a heart for what you are doing, you are easily discouraged. The highest achievers in any field are those who do it because of passion, not duty or profit."
This is an interesting topic to me. For a while now, most of my service has been to my kids. As it should be. They are a primary focus for me. For 5 years now I have been a full-time, stay at home mom. I've always felt that my time for "serving others" would be later, when I had more time. I just figured, whatever else I would do, would require me to leave the house during the day and that would have to wait til the youngest ones were in school. Just recently, I've been feeling a pull to do something now. Not in a big way, but in a small way...like volunteering in the school library or something. Something to get me out of the house and helping the school or the church.
A couple of weeks ago I was asked something for which I wasn't prepared. My friends/school moms that I played soccer with, asked me to "run" for the PTO Vice President position. I say "run" because usually these things go unopposed...they are desperate. And just in case I had the inclination to get a big head over it, I found out I was not the first person asked...maybe even the third. Anyway, the President, Vice President and Secretary are all on my team and they are the ones who asked me. I responded, "I'll do anything that isn't 'President'. Does the Vice President have to become President?". They said yes. Hmmmm....this would mean I'd have to think about it. I have a problem (passed down by my Dad) that when I am asked to do something by someone, I hesitate to say no because it could be an invitation from God....especially ones that come out of the blue like this one did. I told them I would think about it and get back to them.
Why does God have to ask me something that is not totally in my comfort zone? I guess that's where true growth comes from...stepping outside of your comfort zone. I don't really ever want to be "in charge". But the more I thought about it...I felt I could do it. I feel, in a way, God has been preparing me for this invite. As stated in my blog from 1/10/06--"I'm ready to venture out more. I'm ready to feel more connected to my church and school. I just need God to lead me." He has.
This job would require one PTO meeting a month with the PTO board (Pres, VP, Secretary, Treasurer and the school Principal), and one meeting before each event. The main job of the PTO is to hold events that raise money for the school and bring together the families. There are about 5 events a year. The PTO is responsible for finding Chairpersons for each event and helping at each event. The events are on evenings or weekends. They are things like: Breakfast with Santa, Chili Cook-off, Winter Carnival (indoor games with prizes), and Halloween Family Trivia Night are the main ones. I'm emphasizing when the commitment is because it would be harder for me to commit to something that requires me to be away from home during the day. This would not. I would be able to help the school, learn how it functions on the inside, and meet a lot of people. This is a two year commitment starting next year. The following year I would be President. I would have a whole year to learn the ropes.
I decided to accept the job. It was made official at the PTO meeting last Tuesday. Originally, I said "yes" but was intimidated by it. They needed someone. Now, I feel like God is giving me peace. Not that everything is guaranteed to go perfectly, but I will have what I need to do a good job...and that I'll grow from the experience. That I will get to be a "branch" and not just a "trunk" (blog from 9/12/05). I will have a purpose outside of the home. I'm really looking forward to it! I would have never volunteered myself for this. I never would have considered myself the one for the job. I was asked. If I wasn't asked...I probably would have continued my safe life in the cave. But the cave is getting boring and I'm ready for a challenge. Did I just say that??
Today's message is "You are shaped to serve the Lord". I read the chapter (very readable, simple, short, but still meaty) and I underline all the major points. Then I take notes in a notebook, so I can look back on it in the future if I want to, and it also helps to cement the info into my brain when I write it. Here are my notes from this chapter (which I particularly liked):
Psalm 139:16--"Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed."
"Nothing that happens in your life is insignificant. God uses all of it to mold you for your ministry to others and shape you for your service to Him.
God never wastes anything. He would not give you abilities, interests, talents, gifts, personality, and life experiences unless He intended to use them for His glory.
The heart reflects the person. Your heart reveals the real you--what you truly are, not what others think you are or what circumstances force you to be. We instinctively care about some things and not about others. These are clues to where you should be serving. Where does your passion lie? Don't ignore your interests. Consider how they might be used for God's glory. When you are doing what you love to do, no one has to motivate you or challenge you or check up on you. When you don't have a heart for what you are doing, you are easily discouraged. The highest achievers in any field are those who do it because of passion, not duty or profit."
This is an interesting topic to me. For a while now, most of my service has been to my kids. As it should be. They are a primary focus for me. For 5 years now I have been a full-time, stay at home mom. I've always felt that my time for "serving others" would be later, when I had more time. I just figured, whatever else I would do, would require me to leave the house during the day and that would have to wait til the youngest ones were in school. Just recently, I've been feeling a pull to do something now. Not in a big way, but in a small way...like volunteering in the school library or something. Something to get me out of the house and helping the school or the church.
A couple of weeks ago I was asked something for which I wasn't prepared. My friends/school moms that I played soccer with, asked me to "run" for the PTO Vice President position. I say "run" because usually these things go unopposed...they are desperate. And just in case I had the inclination to get a big head over it, I found out I was not the first person asked...maybe even the third. Anyway, the President, Vice President and Secretary are all on my team and they are the ones who asked me. I responded, "I'll do anything that isn't 'President'. Does the Vice President have to become President?". They said yes. Hmmmm....this would mean I'd have to think about it. I have a problem (passed down by my Dad) that when I am asked to do something by someone, I hesitate to say no because it could be an invitation from God....especially ones that come out of the blue like this one did. I told them I would think about it and get back to them.
Why does God have to ask me something that is not totally in my comfort zone? I guess that's where true growth comes from...stepping outside of your comfort zone. I don't really ever want to be "in charge". But the more I thought about it...I felt I could do it. I feel, in a way, God has been preparing me for this invite. As stated in my blog from 1/10/06--"I'm ready to venture out more. I'm ready to feel more connected to my church and school. I just need God to lead me." He has.
This job would require one PTO meeting a month with the PTO board (Pres, VP, Secretary, Treasurer and the school Principal), and one meeting before each event. The main job of the PTO is to hold events that raise money for the school and bring together the families. There are about 5 events a year. The PTO is responsible for finding Chairpersons for each event and helping at each event. The events are on evenings or weekends. They are things like: Breakfast with Santa, Chili Cook-off, Winter Carnival (indoor games with prizes), and Halloween Family Trivia Night are the main ones. I'm emphasizing when the commitment is because it would be harder for me to commit to something that requires me to be away from home during the day. This would not. I would be able to help the school, learn how it functions on the inside, and meet a lot of people. This is a two year commitment starting next year. The following year I would be President. I would have a whole year to learn the ropes.
I decided to accept the job. It was made official at the PTO meeting last Tuesday. Originally, I said "yes" but was intimidated by it. They needed someone. Now, I feel like God is giving me peace. Not that everything is guaranteed to go perfectly, but I will have what I need to do a good job...and that I'll grow from the experience. That I will get to be a "branch" and not just a "trunk" (blog from 9/12/05). I will have a purpose outside of the home. I'm really looking forward to it! I would have never volunteered myself for this. I never would have considered myself the one for the job. I was asked. If I wasn't asked...I probably would have continued my safe life in the cave. But the cave is getting boring and I'm ready for a challenge. Did I just say that??
Thursday, March 16, 2006
Mall Visit From Hell
I should wait 'til I've cooled down before I write this post. Oh well. I just got back from taking Ben and Mary to meet Ted for lunch. It sounded like a grand plan. We all looked so cute in our denim clothes and Mary had her hair pulled back in a barrette. I thought we even might meet Ted in his office so his co-workers could see the kids. I pictured comments like, "What a cute family", and "Look at those darling kids". We didn't end up meeting Ted inside...good thing. Little did I know, I was transport ticking time bombs in the back seat of my car. They looked like cute children, but they were explosions waiting to happen.
We met Ted with smiles. He thanked me for coming out to meet him. He understands all that it takes just to leave the house. When we entered the mall, something clicked with Ben. Maybe it was a bunch of bad memories (he's just not good at the mall). He was already starting to whine about which way he wanted to go. We ignored him and proceeded to head towards the Food Court, our facade as the perfect family already starting to slip. Ted decided to take the younger ones to get a slice of pizza and I would get our order at Charley's. Ben started to protest. He didn't want Ted to take him away from me. When I say "Ben started to protest", I don't think you get my full meaning. Ben's protests are a full out cry. He has a very loud and demanding cry. He really doesn't care who is looking at him. His mouth opens wide and all of his passion comes out of it in very high decibels. Every one and their quiet, composed lunch partners looked up to see where all the noise was coming from. We pretended that we had everything under perfect control and that we were not rattled by his cries. There were no other families in site because McDonald's was in the process of being relocated elsewhere in the mall. We definitely stood out.
I got the food and met Ted and the kids at the table, realizing as I was doing so, I had just claimed them as my children. Ben decides he doesn't want to sit in his chair, but on my lap instead. He does this sometimes at dinner time. It drives me crazy. But if I want a peaceful dinner, I go along with it. Ben happily plumps himself in my lap while I try to manage a lettucey, mayonaissey, teriyaki, chicken sub with one hand. Ted cringed because he hates watching me try to eat with a child in my lap. It's just not relaxing. He also knows I'm unhappy...but has to watch the whole thing with little control. Mary started to see the injustice in all this and wanted down. She kept complaining until I picked her up. Ted told me to give her to him and then he let her down to walk around near our table. It worked for a little while. Ben got distracted by some construction men using a motorized lift to work in the ceiling. Ted and I managed a smile towards each other. It was meek, but it was our connection of the misery of the moment.
We raced to eat our food, not knowing how much longer we had to finish it. We were right, they both started complaining. It's time to go. We cleaned up our mess and strapped them in their strollers. I can't even tell you now what Ben was crying about, but the cries echoed through the mall and we were the object of many stares. It's at this time that I wish I had the control my parents had. I remember all we had to hear was, "Be quiet or you will get spanked when we get home", and we straightened up quickly. I just don't believe in spankings. I don't believe in inserting fear in order to control your kids. But it looked really attractive at the time. The thing is, we are dealing with the 2 and under crowd. There is no control here. There is no reasoning. Their emotions speak louder than any consequences I could threaten them with. I knew this. I've done this before. I knew we just needed to get to the mall exit as quickly as possible. Meanwhile, my anger was building up. How dare he ruin my lunch? How unfair that I came all the way for this? What a miserable lunch! Ted joined me on the pity party and gave me knowing, sorrowful glances. We raced out the doors and took a deep breath when we hit the outside. Now my anger was at it's peak. Ben was dragging his legs on the ground, making it harder to push the stroller. I impatiently grabbed his foot and placed it back on the foot rest, displaying all the anger I felt inside the mall. I also inserted some words like, "You were not behaving and we are going home!" Like that did any good, but for some reason, I was trying to feel like I had some control of the situation.
I roughly placed him back in his car seat. I had visions of the mom who was caught on a parking lot cam, beating her child while standing outside the door. I judged that women severely when I saw that clip. How could you do such a thing to your child??? I understood what motivated her at that moment. I always take pride in having control with my kids...being patient and steady and consistent. I hate myself when I show this lack of control. Kids are not expected to have complete control. It gets better as they get older....but they are KIDS. Parents should have complete control. Ben hated seeing me upset and was crying more. Ted said he's sorry that we had such a bad visit. As the tears well up in my eyes I told him how I just looked forward to getting past these stages.
We dropped Ted off and I cooled down slightly as I thought about the events. Ben had to be tired. It was not naptime yet, but the last couple of days he got shorter naps and I think the wear was showing. Two days ago it was because I had to wake him up to get the kids from school. Yesterday he was at the Monkey Room and only got about an hour nap there. Most misbehavior in kids can be attributed to being tired. Duh. I know this stuff. But this morning he was fine, he didn't show any signs of being crabby or tired. I guess it just came to a peak at the mall. I know it's not his fault. He's a strong willed child and this comes to head when he's tired. As he gets older he gets easier. He's just starting to reason better...but his emotions are so big sometimes, this clouds his reason. Gee...that happens to me too. I guess I understand.
When we got home, I put him straight in bed...no songs (because he was crying) and no fan. I left the room and I heard him flop himself on his bed and...quiet. He fell asleep immediately.
Someday I will go to the mall with the kids and it will be enjoyable. Someday. I have lots of hope for the future. It seems like many of my sentences begin with "Someday..."...meanwhile, on some of the problems..."Someday" is now. Things are already so much easier than they were a year ago. The kids are only growing older and getting easier. It's inevitable. If I didn't have Sam and Abby as proof, I'd be worried I was raising brats. I remember thinking that with them. You just have to get through the younger stages. I don't know that there's any easy way. It's just frustrating that our activities are limited because of my fears of what I'll have to go through when I take them out. I really don't take them anywhere because of this. I'm ready to get out again. I really feel this is right around the corner. Ben will be 3 in May.
Blogging is great therapy. I feel better already.
By the way, I was voted in as PTO Vice President for next year. The year after I'll be President. LOL. This just makes me laugh. Every time I'm in a humbling situation, I think, "Ha. And you're going to be PTO Vice President." I guess I don't think I fit the mold. They'll just have to make a new mold for me. *wink*
We met Ted with smiles. He thanked me for coming out to meet him. He understands all that it takes just to leave the house. When we entered the mall, something clicked with Ben. Maybe it was a bunch of bad memories (he's just not good at the mall). He was already starting to whine about which way he wanted to go. We ignored him and proceeded to head towards the Food Court, our facade as the perfect family already starting to slip. Ted decided to take the younger ones to get a slice of pizza and I would get our order at Charley's. Ben started to protest. He didn't want Ted to take him away from me. When I say "Ben started to protest", I don't think you get my full meaning. Ben's protests are a full out cry. He has a very loud and demanding cry. He really doesn't care who is looking at him. His mouth opens wide and all of his passion comes out of it in very high decibels. Every one and their quiet, composed lunch partners looked up to see where all the noise was coming from. We pretended that we had everything under perfect control and that we were not rattled by his cries. There were no other families in site because McDonald's was in the process of being relocated elsewhere in the mall. We definitely stood out.
I got the food and met Ted and the kids at the table, realizing as I was doing so, I had just claimed them as my children. Ben decides he doesn't want to sit in his chair, but on my lap instead. He does this sometimes at dinner time. It drives me crazy. But if I want a peaceful dinner, I go along with it. Ben happily plumps himself in my lap while I try to manage a lettucey, mayonaissey, teriyaki, chicken sub with one hand. Ted cringed because he hates watching me try to eat with a child in my lap. It's just not relaxing. He also knows I'm unhappy...but has to watch the whole thing with little control. Mary started to see the injustice in all this and wanted down. She kept complaining until I picked her up. Ted told me to give her to him and then he let her down to walk around near our table. It worked for a little while. Ben got distracted by some construction men using a motorized lift to work in the ceiling. Ted and I managed a smile towards each other. It was meek, but it was our connection of the misery of the moment.
We raced to eat our food, not knowing how much longer we had to finish it. We were right, they both started complaining. It's time to go. We cleaned up our mess and strapped them in their strollers. I can't even tell you now what Ben was crying about, but the cries echoed through the mall and we were the object of many stares. It's at this time that I wish I had the control my parents had. I remember all we had to hear was, "Be quiet or you will get spanked when we get home", and we straightened up quickly. I just don't believe in spankings. I don't believe in inserting fear in order to control your kids. But it looked really attractive at the time. The thing is, we are dealing with the 2 and under crowd. There is no control here. There is no reasoning. Their emotions speak louder than any consequences I could threaten them with. I knew this. I've done this before. I knew we just needed to get to the mall exit as quickly as possible. Meanwhile, my anger was building up. How dare he ruin my lunch? How unfair that I came all the way for this? What a miserable lunch! Ted joined me on the pity party and gave me knowing, sorrowful glances. We raced out the doors and took a deep breath when we hit the outside. Now my anger was at it's peak. Ben was dragging his legs on the ground, making it harder to push the stroller. I impatiently grabbed his foot and placed it back on the foot rest, displaying all the anger I felt inside the mall. I also inserted some words like, "You were not behaving and we are going home!" Like that did any good, but for some reason, I was trying to feel like I had some control of the situation.
I roughly placed him back in his car seat. I had visions of the mom who was caught on a parking lot cam, beating her child while standing outside the door. I judged that women severely when I saw that clip. How could you do such a thing to your child??? I understood what motivated her at that moment. I always take pride in having control with my kids...being patient and steady and consistent. I hate myself when I show this lack of control. Kids are not expected to have complete control. It gets better as they get older....but they are KIDS. Parents should have complete control. Ben hated seeing me upset and was crying more. Ted said he's sorry that we had such a bad visit. As the tears well up in my eyes I told him how I just looked forward to getting past these stages.
We dropped Ted off and I cooled down slightly as I thought about the events. Ben had to be tired. It was not naptime yet, but the last couple of days he got shorter naps and I think the wear was showing. Two days ago it was because I had to wake him up to get the kids from school. Yesterday he was at the Monkey Room and only got about an hour nap there. Most misbehavior in kids can be attributed to being tired. Duh. I know this stuff. But this morning he was fine, he didn't show any signs of being crabby or tired. I guess it just came to a peak at the mall. I know it's not his fault. He's a strong willed child and this comes to head when he's tired. As he gets older he gets easier. He's just starting to reason better...but his emotions are so big sometimes, this clouds his reason. Gee...that happens to me too. I guess I understand.
When we got home, I put him straight in bed...no songs (because he was crying) and no fan. I left the room and I heard him flop himself on his bed and...quiet. He fell asleep immediately.
Someday I will go to the mall with the kids and it will be enjoyable. Someday. I have lots of hope for the future. It seems like many of my sentences begin with "Someday..."...meanwhile, on some of the problems..."Someday" is now. Things are already so much easier than they were a year ago. The kids are only growing older and getting easier. It's inevitable. If I didn't have Sam and Abby as proof, I'd be worried I was raising brats. I remember thinking that with them. You just have to get through the younger stages. I don't know that there's any easy way. It's just frustrating that our activities are limited because of my fears of what I'll have to go through when I take them out. I really don't take them anywhere because of this. I'm ready to get out again. I really feel this is right around the corner. Ben will be 3 in May.
Blogging is great therapy. I feel better already.
By the way, I was voted in as PTO Vice President for next year. The year after I'll be President. LOL. This just makes me laugh. Every time I'm in a humbling situation, I think, "Ha. And you're going to be PTO Vice President." I guess I don't think I fit the mold. They'll just have to make a new mold for me. *wink*
Tuesday, March 14, 2006
Maggie's Story
Sunday and Monday were full of funeral gatherings for my friend Gwen who died on Friday. It was good to see so many friends and good to meet some of her family members I had heard of but never met. I was amazed at how well her kids held up. This is when it's good to have a closed casket. I can't imagine the kids having to look at their mom's body the whole time. Everyone has a different way to explain death to the kids. Mary, Gwen's 3 1/2 year old, would look at the casket and say, "My mommy's in there." And then, "When are they going to open that up?", and when will I see her again?". A neighbor who often takes care of Mary said, "Remember? You won't see her again...mommy's sleeping." How confusing! If you're told someone is sleeping, then you want to know when they wake up. Oh well. We all do the best we can.
Personally, I like focusing on the Heaven part. Mommy's in heaven and cancer free. She's happier than she's ever been. When you're grieving, though, you just want to be allowed to be sad. Heaven definitely makes you happier for the person who's going there, but it doesn't take away the fact that you will not see that person for a long while. You still have a gaping hole of a loss that will feel like a gaping hole for a long time.
When I lost my baby, Maggie (23 weeks in vitro), I experienced the death of someone I never got to know. I imagine that makes it much easier to bare, but harder to grieve. What am I grieving for? I saw her, but not as she would have been as a full-term newborn. I saw her as a 23 week old fetus. She was fully formed, but her skin was thin and transparent. I could see inside her body. Since her skin was so thin, when she came out she had already started deteriorating. Her skin was so wet and fragile, I was afraid it would fall off if I touched her. Every minute she was left outside of my body, she lost moisture and became shrunken looking. I know this is not a pretty picture. Sorry if it's too much for you, but it was all I had of her.
I guess now is a good time as any to tell her story. I found out I was pregnant with Maggie on February 23, 2001. She would be our third child. Her pregnancy went great. I had an ultrasound on June 1st and everything looked great, so you can imagine my surprise when I found out it wasn't. After a trip to Florida, I noticed I didn't feel much movement. I was somewhat worried, but knew I hardly paid attention to it. I went to my routine 5 month visit to the doctor. I took Sam and Abby with me because, normally, they are really quick visits...get on the scale, get the blood pressure reading, lay down on the bed, get measured and listen for the heart beat. Simple. But not that day. She couldn't find the heart beat. She had me pop in another room for a quick ultrasound. She told me she couldn't find the heart beat. I said, "Can you not find it or is it that you are on the heart and it is not beating. Her answer deflated me. The heart was NOT beating. What a shock. Is my baby dead?? She had me go to the hospital to confirm it. I had to explain what was going on to Sam and Abby who were only 4 1/2 and 2 1/2. At the hospital they confirmed that she had died recently. She had swelling in the brain and fluids in her abdomen and she was right in line with the size that she should be.
The next day we checked into the hospital at 6:00 in the morning, to be induced. They started me on Pitocin at 8:00am which brought on contractions by 1:30pm, but they weren't strong. This went on all day and night. I was not progressing. Even with regularly increasing Pitocin, my labor wasn't going anywhere. My doctor didn't want to bring it on too strong because of my previous C-section. I had one successful v-back since, but he still continued cautiously.
The next day they tried another method to get labor going. They inserted 6 "Laminaria" into my cervix at 11am. The Laminaria are like little cotton sticks that expand with moisture. The expansion should encourage the cervix to dilate. They need to stay there for 24 hours. I could go home and come back the next day. This was a relief for me because I had not eaten for 36 hours. I was starving!!! It was weird going home with the job incomplete. We ate lunch at Arby's and I spent the afternoon napping. The kids were at my sister's so we took advantage of that by going to the Outback before picking them up. It was so strange going out with a big, pregnant belly...knowing there was no life inside me. It was just a reminder of what I still needed to accomplish. I was hoping no one would ask me when I was due.
When we picked them up, we bought fireworks on the way home. It was the Fourth of July. They both understood that Maggie was dead in my belly. I'm sure it was confusing to them that Maggie was up in Heaven but my belly was still round. Sam wasn't sad...he just said, "God will give us another one." In chatting, Abby would say, "We're not going to have a baby anymore." She kept repeating this...almost as a reminder to herself. It was nice spending time with them before I had to go back to the hospital to finish what we started.
July 5th, day 3 of this horrible mess, we went back to the hospital to have the Laminaria removed. They broke my bag of waters afterwards in hopes to get this thing going! My body seemed more relaxed than before. Nothing happened all day. That evening, my doctor told me he wanted to try a pill called Cytotec. This would be inserted into the cervix and is a stronger means of starting contractions. The pill was inserted at 10pm and they gave me a sleeping pill at 11:15pm (I had horrible sleep this whole time). I woke up at 1:30 and couldn't go back to sleep. I had chills with a low grade fever and threw up at 3:00 am. At 4:30am, the nurses pricked me all over trying to get bloodwork because they were worried my fever might be indicating an infection. My fever rose to 103.6. This was the lowpoint of this whole ordeal. It just seemed to last forever with no end in sight. I was exhausted. Thankfully, the bloodwork came back negative--no infection. They gave me antibiotics anyway and more cytotec.
July 6--My doctor passes me on to the care of a high risk pregnancy doctor. A c-section is a last resort. A c-section is for the baby, not the mother. Since we didn't have a live baby, there was no urgency to do a c-section, but they would do it if they had to. She gave me another dose of cytotec. She also tried another method. Yes, it was another foreign object shoved up my cervix! *eyeroll*. She inserted a tube with a balloon that she inflated while it was in my cervix. It worked! By 11am my fever was down to 100 and I started with regular contractions. I was not allowed to have an epidural because of my fever...they were worried about causing an infection. At 12:30 they gave me a shot of morphine that did nothing for the pain, and "Staydol" which was supposed to relax me. I was on the phone with my sister, Lisa, and I would set it down whenever I had a strong contraction. My mom and Ted were in the room and my in-laws were in the waiting room. During one of the contractions, Maggie's lifeless body came into the world...no push needed. Ted had to tell Lisa so she could hang up and come see me.
No one was ready and the blanket was covering me so no one knew she came. It was not at all how I imagined it would be. I announced to everyone she was here. The nurses rushed over to help me. The moment had finally arrived when we would meet Maggie face to face. She was almost a pound and almost a foot. She was very red and moist. I was amazed by the labor experience...to feel her slip easily out of my body. I was surprised by how quietly she came. So different from the normal labor experience. There were no bright lights, no legs in stirrups, no pushing, no epidural and no doctor. She just came while I was laying on my side. It was so intimate and calm. It was her gift to me. God's peace in me, was His give to me. I didn't cry. I just wanted to examine her. I wanted to kiss her, even though she didn't seem kissable. Her skin was so thin and transparent. She was dead inside me for four days.
We took pictures to capture her short time with us. We even had First Foto pictures taken. There is a group of women in the hospital who make clothes for stillborns. The nurse took her to make footprints and dressed her for the photos. The nurse came back with tears in her eyes. It was her first experience like this. I thanked her immensely because these are my treasures of Maggie now. I couldn't imagine how hard it was to dress this flimsy, wet body. This nurse and all the other nurses who cared for me, are angels in my eyes.
We had so much love poured on us from the people in our lives. It was overwhelming. 45 cards came in expressing sympathies. This was my favorite card:
"Dear Missy,
I've been trying to think of something comforting to say, but the sadness is too much, and I cannot. When I think about little Maggie's life, the potential that will never be realized, and all the love that she will never experience, it overwhelms me. Then there is your family, and the void that will always exist because she is not there. I am so sorry, Missy. I will always remember Maggie, and the beautiful girl she would have been, because she and Rachel share the same birthday. May God forever hold Maggie in His arms, and bless you with the warmth of His eternal love."
Wow. She put herself in my shoes and poured her heart out to me. I felt her sadness for me. Many people did this. I believe that for every tear they cried for me, it save me one. I believe that with all the support received, my burden was made lighter. I pictured every person carrying and sharing this burden with me. Not to mention that Christ was sharing it with me too. I felt especially strong during this time and especially at peace. I'm no fool. I know it was not me. I know it was God's strength and God's peace. I know it was from all the prayers from people when I didn't have the energy or the desire to pray. Don't ever feel like your contribution is small or insignicant to someone mourning. Every piece is woven into a huge quilt that provides all that someone needs. God provides the rest.
At her funeral service we sang "Jesus Loves Me". Do you know the second verse?
"Jesus loves me, He who died,
Heaven's gates are open wide
He will wash away my sin
Let His little child come in"
And then we kicked it up with a fast song: "That Where I am There You May Also Be" by Rich Mullins. I love the lyrics of this song. It's when Jesus was telling the Apostles that he was leaving them but he would prepare a place for them in his Father's house. LOVE IT!! This pretty much sums it up. As Christians, we believe that life doesn't end in death. Death is the beginning of a new life with Jesus. It's where we all want to be. It's our goal. Maggie just reached her goal more quickly than then most of us.
I will post pictures...but I can't do it on this post for some reason. I'll do it on another one.
Personally, I like focusing on the Heaven part. Mommy's in heaven and cancer free. She's happier than she's ever been. When you're grieving, though, you just want to be allowed to be sad. Heaven definitely makes you happier for the person who's going there, but it doesn't take away the fact that you will not see that person for a long while. You still have a gaping hole of a loss that will feel like a gaping hole for a long time.
When I lost my baby, Maggie (23 weeks in vitro), I experienced the death of someone I never got to know. I imagine that makes it much easier to bare, but harder to grieve. What am I grieving for? I saw her, but not as she would have been as a full-term newborn. I saw her as a 23 week old fetus. She was fully formed, but her skin was thin and transparent. I could see inside her body. Since her skin was so thin, when she came out she had already started deteriorating. Her skin was so wet and fragile, I was afraid it would fall off if I touched her. Every minute she was left outside of my body, she lost moisture and became shrunken looking. I know this is not a pretty picture. Sorry if it's too much for you, but it was all I had of her.
I guess now is a good time as any to tell her story. I found out I was pregnant with Maggie on February 23, 2001. She would be our third child. Her pregnancy went great. I had an ultrasound on June 1st and everything looked great, so you can imagine my surprise when I found out it wasn't. After a trip to Florida, I noticed I didn't feel much movement. I was somewhat worried, but knew I hardly paid attention to it. I went to my routine 5 month visit to the doctor. I took Sam and Abby with me because, normally, they are really quick visits...get on the scale, get the blood pressure reading, lay down on the bed, get measured and listen for the heart beat. Simple. But not that day. She couldn't find the heart beat. She had me pop in another room for a quick ultrasound. She told me she couldn't find the heart beat. I said, "Can you not find it or is it that you are on the heart and it is not beating. Her answer deflated me. The heart was NOT beating. What a shock. Is my baby dead?? She had me go to the hospital to confirm it. I had to explain what was going on to Sam and Abby who were only 4 1/2 and 2 1/2. At the hospital they confirmed that she had died recently. She had swelling in the brain and fluids in her abdomen and she was right in line with the size that she should be.
The next day we checked into the hospital at 6:00 in the morning, to be induced. They started me on Pitocin at 8:00am which brought on contractions by 1:30pm, but they weren't strong. This went on all day and night. I was not progressing. Even with regularly increasing Pitocin, my labor wasn't going anywhere. My doctor didn't want to bring it on too strong because of my previous C-section. I had one successful v-back since, but he still continued cautiously.
The next day they tried another method to get labor going. They inserted 6 "Laminaria" into my cervix at 11am. The Laminaria are like little cotton sticks that expand with moisture. The expansion should encourage the cervix to dilate. They need to stay there for 24 hours. I could go home and come back the next day. This was a relief for me because I had not eaten for 36 hours. I was starving!!! It was weird going home with the job incomplete. We ate lunch at Arby's and I spent the afternoon napping. The kids were at my sister's so we took advantage of that by going to the Outback before picking them up. It was so strange going out with a big, pregnant belly...knowing there was no life inside me. It was just a reminder of what I still needed to accomplish. I was hoping no one would ask me when I was due.
When we picked them up, we bought fireworks on the way home. It was the Fourth of July. They both understood that Maggie was dead in my belly. I'm sure it was confusing to them that Maggie was up in Heaven but my belly was still round. Sam wasn't sad...he just said, "God will give us another one." In chatting, Abby would say, "We're not going to have a baby anymore." She kept repeating this...almost as a reminder to herself. It was nice spending time with them before I had to go back to the hospital to finish what we started.
July 5th, day 3 of this horrible mess, we went back to the hospital to have the Laminaria removed. They broke my bag of waters afterwards in hopes to get this thing going! My body seemed more relaxed than before. Nothing happened all day. That evening, my doctor told me he wanted to try a pill called Cytotec. This would be inserted into the cervix and is a stronger means of starting contractions. The pill was inserted at 10pm and they gave me a sleeping pill at 11:15pm (I had horrible sleep this whole time). I woke up at 1:30 and couldn't go back to sleep. I had chills with a low grade fever and threw up at 3:00 am. At 4:30am, the nurses pricked me all over trying to get bloodwork because they were worried my fever might be indicating an infection. My fever rose to 103.6. This was the lowpoint of this whole ordeal. It just seemed to last forever with no end in sight. I was exhausted. Thankfully, the bloodwork came back negative--no infection. They gave me antibiotics anyway and more cytotec.
July 6--My doctor passes me on to the care of a high risk pregnancy doctor. A c-section is a last resort. A c-section is for the baby, not the mother. Since we didn't have a live baby, there was no urgency to do a c-section, but they would do it if they had to. She gave me another dose of cytotec. She also tried another method. Yes, it was another foreign object shoved up my cervix! *eyeroll*. She inserted a tube with a balloon that she inflated while it was in my cervix. It worked! By 11am my fever was down to 100 and I started with regular contractions. I was not allowed to have an epidural because of my fever...they were worried about causing an infection. At 12:30 they gave me a shot of morphine that did nothing for the pain, and "Staydol" which was supposed to relax me. I was on the phone with my sister, Lisa, and I would set it down whenever I had a strong contraction. My mom and Ted were in the room and my in-laws were in the waiting room. During one of the contractions, Maggie's lifeless body came into the world...no push needed. Ted had to tell Lisa so she could hang up and come see me.
No one was ready and the blanket was covering me so no one knew she came. It was not at all how I imagined it would be. I announced to everyone she was here. The nurses rushed over to help me. The moment had finally arrived when we would meet Maggie face to face. She was almost a pound and almost a foot. She was very red and moist. I was amazed by the labor experience...to feel her slip easily out of my body. I was surprised by how quietly she came. So different from the normal labor experience. There were no bright lights, no legs in stirrups, no pushing, no epidural and no doctor. She just came while I was laying on my side. It was so intimate and calm. It was her gift to me. God's peace in me, was His give to me. I didn't cry. I just wanted to examine her. I wanted to kiss her, even though she didn't seem kissable. Her skin was so thin and transparent. She was dead inside me for four days.
We took pictures to capture her short time with us. We even had First Foto pictures taken. There is a group of women in the hospital who make clothes for stillborns. The nurse took her to make footprints and dressed her for the photos. The nurse came back with tears in her eyes. It was her first experience like this. I thanked her immensely because these are my treasures of Maggie now. I couldn't imagine how hard it was to dress this flimsy, wet body. This nurse and all the other nurses who cared for me, are angels in my eyes.
We had so much love poured on us from the people in our lives. It was overwhelming. 45 cards came in expressing sympathies. This was my favorite card:
"Dear Missy,
I've been trying to think of something comforting to say, but the sadness is too much, and I cannot. When I think about little Maggie's life, the potential that will never be realized, and all the love that she will never experience, it overwhelms me. Then there is your family, and the void that will always exist because she is not there. I am so sorry, Missy. I will always remember Maggie, and the beautiful girl she would have been, because she and Rachel share the same birthday. May God forever hold Maggie in His arms, and bless you with the warmth of His eternal love."
Wow. She put herself in my shoes and poured her heart out to me. I felt her sadness for me. Many people did this. I believe that for every tear they cried for me, it save me one. I believe that with all the support received, my burden was made lighter. I pictured every person carrying and sharing this burden with me. Not to mention that Christ was sharing it with me too. I felt especially strong during this time and especially at peace. I'm no fool. I know it was not me. I know it was God's strength and God's peace. I know it was from all the prayers from people when I didn't have the energy or the desire to pray. Don't ever feel like your contribution is small or insignicant to someone mourning. Every piece is woven into a huge quilt that provides all that someone needs. God provides the rest.
At her funeral service we sang "Jesus Loves Me". Do you know the second verse?
"Jesus loves me, He who died,
Heaven's gates are open wide
He will wash away my sin
Let His little child come in"
And then we kicked it up with a fast song: "That Where I am There You May Also Be" by Rich Mullins. I love the lyrics of this song. It's when Jesus was telling the Apostles that he was leaving them but he would prepare a place for them in his Father's house. LOVE IT!! This pretty much sums it up. As Christians, we believe that life doesn't end in death. Death is the beginning of a new life with Jesus. It's where we all want to be. It's our goal. Maggie just reached her goal more quickly than then most of us.
I will post pictures...but I can't do it on this post for some reason. I'll do it on another one.
Friday, March 10, 2006
One More in Heaven Today
My friend who had brain cancer died today (pictured, far left--2 years ago. I was puffy and pregnant). I cried a little...and then found myself moving on in conversation with kids. It struck me that I could move on. I pictured the scene at her house that moment. I imagined people moving around, making decisions, feeling like everything is just surreal. I imagined her still body in her hospital bed in her room...the stillness only a body has when the soul as left it. I thought of her husband's grief. What could he be feeling now? Loneliness? Emptiness? Unbelievable sadness? Of course, he knew it was coming. She's been home now for a while with no more treatment planned. She fell 2 months ago and went downhill from there to her bedridden state for a month.
This last week she slept all week. Is this a way a body reserves it's energy when it's dying? I'm amazed by the process...the fingertips get blue, the breathing rattles, a glaze comes over the face, the organs begin to fail and the heart stops beating. In that moment (I assume), the soul leaves the body and is transported to Heaven. Everything that Gwen has done in the last 16 or so years of her life was for this moment...meeting her Maker. She found her faith through her husband in college. Her life was changed ever since. In Heaven she is cancer free, worry free, whole and complete. It's the ultimate reunion and celebration. It just came so soon in a life of only 37 years.
She leaves behind a husband and three kids between the ages 10 and 4. I'm so sad for them. Who can take the place of a mother? What about Mary...her 4 year old? Gwen's own mother left her when she was young. They had little contact with each other. Gwen said her grandma lived with them and she acted as her mother. How ironic that Mary and her two brothers now have their grandma (dad's mom) living with them, taking on the duties of mom. Gwen's father is in town with his new wife. I bet he feels abandoned twice now. Who expects to outlive their own child?
Gwen brought her grandma to Christ before her grandma died. Now Gwen can see her again. May she rest in peace... Heck no! She's partyin'!!
Thursday, March 09, 2006
Notable Quotables
"It's like lifting a building"
This was Sam's response when I asked him why it was so hard for him to give me a kiss on the cheek. He wanted a Tagalong and I told him I would give it to him if he gave me a kiss on the cheek. He refused. I never got that kiss. I knew it would be hard but I wondered how hard. I wondered if there was a cookie as a reward, if he would do it. Oh well. I settled for a very sloppy hug. He's very awkward with affection. I force hugs on him all the time. He fights me off but my dad always tells me, "Trust me, a son always wants his mother's affection."
"Sam, you just missed my big fart!"
My very lady-like daughter said this to her brother after she passed gas on a wood chair (which always makes it louder and kind of echo-y).
"Scuse you"
What my 2 1/2 year old son, Ben, said to Abby (his older sister by 5 years!!) after she passed the echo-y gas.
"I think it's orange or red rain"
Sam said as he was reaching out the sliding door to feel the rain during a downpour. He was referring to the colors they show on Doppler Radar.
This was Sam's response when I asked him why it was so hard for him to give me a kiss on the cheek. He wanted a Tagalong and I told him I would give it to him if he gave me a kiss on the cheek. He refused. I never got that kiss. I knew it would be hard but I wondered how hard. I wondered if there was a cookie as a reward, if he would do it. Oh well. I settled for a very sloppy hug. He's very awkward with affection. I force hugs on him all the time. He fights me off but my dad always tells me, "Trust me, a son always wants his mother's affection."
"Sam, you just missed my big fart!"
My very lady-like daughter said this to her brother after she passed gas on a wood chair (which always makes it louder and kind of echo-y).
"Scuse you"
What my 2 1/2 year old son, Ben, said to Abby (his older sister by 5 years!!) after she passed the echo-y gas.
"I think it's orange or red rain"
Sam said as he was reaching out the sliding door to feel the rain during a downpour. He was referring to the colors they show on Doppler Radar.
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
It's Just a Game
Last Sunday, while Ted was on retreat, my parents watched Ben and Mary while I went with Abby to Sam's basketball game. It was great to be able to see one of his games because it seems like it's been awhile. Ted and I have to take turns because if we brought Mary, there would need to be a fence around the court to keep her off of it.
It's really sad to say, but the experience was not very pleasant. There were a couple of very big, physical players on the other team who plowed through our rather scrawny team. These guys just mauled us. In turn, our team became more aggressive with their hands and shoulders. I felt like these third graders were playing for their lives! What is going on here? It's just a game! The refs didn't call enough of the fouls, so this enthusiastic playing just escalated throughout the game. Our coaches started getting more verbal and yelling at the refs. It all came to a peak when our assistant coach stood up from his chair and yelled, "Blow the damn whistle, ref!!!!!!", at the top of his lungs for all to hear. This got the parents mad on the other team and there were fighting words and gestures going back and forth.
Is this Catholic, third grade basketball? What are we teaching our kids? I think the coaches need a review of why we are here, they should never be allowed to yell at a volunteer, teenage ref. I think the refs need to be coached on how to call the game, and I think the parents need to talk to their kids on how to play the game with respect to the other players.
It makes me appreciate what we had with Upwards basketball. It was so well run. The refs were constantly being supervised and coached, the coaches were there to mentor the kids and always showed an awesome example of love and encouragement. They didn't have the "win or die" mentality.
You could argue that that a softer touch would never produce a winning team and that you need a fierce, competitive attitude to be successful in winning games. I agree with some of that, but not in third grade. Fortunately, Sam is being played more fairly than he was before. He's even trying a little harder to get open for a pass and occasionally calls for the ball. Unfortunately, some of his players avoid passing it to him, even when no one else is open, because they know he's not that good.
I never thought watching my kids in sports could be so painful. I'm secretly wishing that Sam would quit, but he says he still enjoys basketball (even though he often spaces out on the court). We'll continue to support his desire to play, but I'm just afraid the competition will just get worse. We'll just have to wait and see.
I do have to say that the assistant coach who cussed at the top of his lungs, apologized to the parents of our team and the kids for losing his temper. It just wasn't enough for me. He shouldn't be that worked up to begin with. He should have more self control in front of our kids. After all, it's just a game...AND WE DON'T EVEN KEEP SCORE YET!!!! God help us when we do.
It's really sad to say, but the experience was not very pleasant. There were a couple of very big, physical players on the other team who plowed through our rather scrawny team. These guys just mauled us. In turn, our team became more aggressive with their hands and shoulders. I felt like these third graders were playing for their lives! What is going on here? It's just a game! The refs didn't call enough of the fouls, so this enthusiastic playing just escalated throughout the game. Our coaches started getting more verbal and yelling at the refs. It all came to a peak when our assistant coach stood up from his chair and yelled, "Blow the damn whistle, ref!!!!!!", at the top of his lungs for all to hear. This got the parents mad on the other team and there were fighting words and gestures going back and forth.
Is this Catholic, third grade basketball? What are we teaching our kids? I think the coaches need a review of why we are here, they should never be allowed to yell at a volunteer, teenage ref. I think the refs need to be coached on how to call the game, and I think the parents need to talk to their kids on how to play the game with respect to the other players.
It makes me appreciate what we had with Upwards basketball. It was so well run. The refs were constantly being supervised and coached, the coaches were there to mentor the kids and always showed an awesome example of love and encouragement. They didn't have the "win or die" mentality.
You could argue that that a softer touch would never produce a winning team and that you need a fierce, competitive attitude to be successful in winning games. I agree with some of that, but not in third grade. Fortunately, Sam is being played more fairly than he was before. He's even trying a little harder to get open for a pass and occasionally calls for the ball. Unfortunately, some of his players avoid passing it to him, even when no one else is open, because they know he's not that good.
I never thought watching my kids in sports could be so painful. I'm secretly wishing that Sam would quit, but he says he still enjoys basketball (even though he often spaces out on the court). We'll continue to support his desire to play, but I'm just afraid the competition will just get worse. We'll just have to wait and see.
I do have to say that the assistant coach who cussed at the top of his lungs, apologized to the parents of our team and the kids for losing his temper. It just wasn't enough for me. He shouldn't be that worked up to begin with. He should have more self control in front of our kids. After all, it's just a game...AND WE DON'T EVEN KEEP SCORE YET!!!! God help us when we do.
Monday, March 06, 2006
Turkey's All Gone!
Yesterday, I had set out a nearly full package of turkey on the table. Ben seemed interested in snacking on it so I gave him some. I left the room for a moment and came back to find the whole package empty. I looked at him and said, "Where did the turkey go?? It's all gone!". I guess the stupefied look on my face scared him. His behavior didn't change right away, but when I shuttled him into the shower with me, he was shaking. He seemed really scared and I couldn't figure it out. He gave me a fearfully anguished look and said, "Turkey's all gone!" and then started to cry. I tried to calm him down but all he could say was, "Turkey's all gone!". Again and again, I told him, "It's OK, Ben...I know the turkey's all gone. It's alright." I think it was Mary who strewned it all over the family room. It doesn't matter. The point is, I was way over it, and he wasn't. I don't know why. My whole shower was filled with laments of "Turkey's all gone....turkey's all gone...". It was not fun. When I was done with my shower, I held him. That was all he needed. I guess Ben's love language is physical touch too.
Ben is aware of my every facial expression, change in voice tone and body language. I guess you could call him sensitive. I purposely avoid overreacting with him because I know this about him. I remember Sam being very similar to Ben. Sam still says, "What?",when I have a certain look on my face and he always seems to hear every little thing I say, especially when I'm not talking to him! I know how far Sam has come from that scared, cautious boy, to the more relaxed, even child he is now. Sam was once having fits just like Ben and he is so far from that child now. This is a great reassurance to me when I look at how Sam and Abby have turned out. I don't fret about the fits. I just get through them... much like you brace yourself in a boat before a big wave hits. I just hold on til the storm is over...and the storm always ends. One day Ben will be Sam's age. When I look at him I wonder if I'll be able to remember the strong willed two year old that rocked my boat!
Ben is aware of my every facial expression, change in voice tone and body language. I guess you could call him sensitive. I purposely avoid overreacting with him because I know this about him. I remember Sam being very similar to Ben. Sam still says, "What?",when I have a certain look on my face and he always seems to hear every little thing I say, especially when I'm not talking to him! I know how far Sam has come from that scared, cautious boy, to the more relaxed, even child he is now. Sam was once having fits just like Ben and he is so far from that child now. This is a great reassurance to me when I look at how Sam and Abby have turned out. I don't fret about the fits. I just get through them... much like you brace yourself in a boat before a big wave hits. I just hold on til the storm is over...and the storm always ends. One day Ben will be Sam's age. When I look at him I wonder if I'll be able to remember the strong willed two year old that rocked my boat!
Friday, March 03, 2006
Snapshot Thursday (A Little Late)
What's at the top of my to-do list?
--Plan what I'll do with the kids this weekend. Ted has been asked to fill in, at the last minute, on a CRHP retreat weekend. It's funny because, he trained to help on this retreat last year and someone filled in for him because of my difficulties with post partum depression. I guess it's our chance to return the favor. It feels good because they have their largest attendance ever. I'm excited that Ted will actually be able to experience helping out this time.
What have I accomplished?
--It's been a while since I wrote last and a lot has happened. Last time I talked about "The Five Love Languages" and how I read the book to help Ted and I find our intimacy again. The book has helped...but even more importantly, just us focusing on our relationship has done wonders! Every night, Ted and I are trying to "check-in" with each other. We share our high points and low points of our day. I think we are trying to do a better job of really listening to each other. Ted now knows my love language is "quality time" and I my "dialect" is him setting some of this up instead of me doing it all the time. He practiced doing this yesterday! He took a half day....just for ME! He had his mom come over to watch the kids and we went to lunch and shopped at the mall. It was so wonderful to have this time with him. We haven't had a date with just the two of us in a while. It felt good to take our time and talk about whatever came to our heads...instead of losing our thought process because of talking miniature "heads". Also, since I now know his main language is "physical touch" or the way he words it, "physical affection", I'm trying to show him my love for him by giving him more affection. The end result is more smiles, more peace, a fuller bucket. He's filling my bucket without sand spilling everywhere.
--I've ordered some more books (surprise). This time the focus is learning more about Pope John Paul's "Theology of the Body" talks. Christopher West has made these easier to understand with his own talks on CD and a book he wrote on the Pope's talks on this subject. I'm sure it'll be pretty heady but sometimes I can enjoy the meaning behind everything. Why are we created the way we are? What is our purpose in life?". I can't wait to get these books in the mail!! They are "Love and Responsibility" (written by JPII before he became the Pope), "Theology of the Body Explained" by Christopher West, and a book called "The Way to Christ" (Talks given on a retreat by JPII before he was Pope...to college students). What can I say?? I love books.
What have I said I was going to do but I havenÂ’t?
For a week now I have missed reading "My Purpose Driven Life", but I started it up again last night.
What's my latest obsession?
--In addition to all my reading, I am getting into something else very superficial. It's a weird dichotomy. After years of washing my face with soap, I'm all of sudden interested in spending money on my face. I went to an Arbonne party and they educated me. I tried their facial line for two days and my skin felt great afterwards! Not that I want to spend oodles of money on Arbonne. I bought the cleansing gel and their cheaper toner. For my birthday, my mom bought me the sea salt scrub. The consultant ran a special, buy one get one free, so I HAD to get the facial scrub for my sister for her birthday and I got one for myself free. PLUS, I bought this "membership" for $30 where I get 30% off. She even will combine this 30% with her specials. At Target I got Neutrogena Moisturizer for the day and Oil of Olay firming cream for the night. I'm experimenting right now and seeing which products work best. If you use something you swear about, tell me about it!
--Theology of the Body!!
--The Bachelor! (Aren't I so shallow and deep at the same time??) I'm so glad Travis chose Sarah. I didn't like her at first but then I saw her falling for Travis and I believed her feelings for him instead of just wanting to win.
--American Idol! My favorite males are 1)Chris Daughtry, 2) Elliott Yamin and 3) Taylor Hicks. My favorite females are 1) Melissa McGhee, 2) Mandisa and 3) Paris Bennett.
What's been making me happy?
--I think I was the only one taking notes in mass this last Sunday. I started crying when I heard this: "So I will allure her; I will lead her into the desert and speak to her heart. From there I will give her the vineyards she had. She shall respond there as in the days of her youth. On that day, says the Lord, she shall call me "My husband". I will espouse you in fidelity, and you shall know the Lord."
God often compares his relationship with us to a marriage. My marriage is a constant reminder of what God wants from me as my creator. He wants a relationship with me. He doesn't just want me to share the big things with him, but also the little things. He wants to be a part of everything in my life. I started with reaching out to Him, and in turn he has blessed me in so many ways. I especially feel a focus on my marriage. He's right there with me and Ted. I feel like He's making something new. It's not the first time He's "refreshed" us and it won't be the last. Me and God go back a long way!
Woaahhhh!! I just got an analogy with my skin care products...maybe it's not so shallow after all! LOL. The cleansing gel is good to get us clean but then we need to close the pores with the toner so we can stay clean! I feel like God points our sin out to us and then we need to ask for forgiveness. Our relationship with Him is what keeps us clean. The more rely on Him, the easier it is. I'm going to start praying for good toner!
--Plan what I'll do with the kids this weekend. Ted has been asked to fill in, at the last minute, on a CRHP retreat weekend. It's funny because, he trained to help on this retreat last year and someone filled in for him because of my difficulties with post partum depression. I guess it's our chance to return the favor. It feels good because they have their largest attendance ever. I'm excited that Ted will actually be able to experience helping out this time.
What have I accomplished?
--It's been a while since I wrote last and a lot has happened. Last time I talked about "The Five Love Languages" and how I read the book to help Ted and I find our intimacy again. The book has helped...but even more importantly, just us focusing on our relationship has done wonders! Every night, Ted and I are trying to "check-in" with each other. We share our high points and low points of our day. I think we are trying to do a better job of really listening to each other. Ted now knows my love language is "quality time" and I my "dialect" is him setting some of this up instead of me doing it all the time. He practiced doing this yesterday! He took a half day....just for ME! He had his mom come over to watch the kids and we went to lunch and shopped at the mall. It was so wonderful to have this time with him. We haven't had a date with just the two of us in a while. It felt good to take our time and talk about whatever came to our heads...instead of losing our thought process because of talking miniature "heads". Also, since I now know his main language is "physical touch" or the way he words it, "physical affection", I'm trying to show him my love for him by giving him more affection. The end result is more smiles, more peace, a fuller bucket. He's filling my bucket without sand spilling everywhere.
--I've ordered some more books (surprise). This time the focus is learning more about Pope John Paul's "Theology of the Body" talks. Christopher West has made these easier to understand with his own talks on CD and a book he wrote on the Pope's talks on this subject. I'm sure it'll be pretty heady but sometimes I can enjoy the meaning behind everything. Why are we created the way we are? What is our purpose in life?". I can't wait to get these books in the mail!! They are "Love and Responsibility" (written by JPII before he became the Pope), "Theology of the Body Explained" by Christopher West, and a book called "The Way to Christ" (Talks given on a retreat by JPII before he was Pope...to college students). What can I say?? I love books.
What have I said I was going to do but I havenÂ’t?
For a week now I have missed reading "My Purpose Driven Life", but I started it up again last night.
What's my latest obsession?
--In addition to all my reading, I am getting into something else very superficial. It's a weird dichotomy. After years of washing my face with soap, I'm all of sudden interested in spending money on my face. I went to an Arbonne party and they educated me. I tried their facial line for two days and my skin felt great afterwards! Not that I want to spend oodles of money on Arbonne. I bought the cleansing gel and their cheaper toner. For my birthday, my mom bought me the sea salt scrub. The consultant ran a special, buy one get one free, so I HAD to get the facial scrub for my sister for her birthday and I got one for myself free. PLUS, I bought this "membership" for $30 where I get 30% off. She even will combine this 30% with her specials. At Target I got Neutrogena Moisturizer for the day and Oil of Olay firming cream for the night. I'm experimenting right now and seeing which products work best. If you use something you swear about, tell me about it!
--Theology of the Body!!
--The Bachelor! (Aren't I so shallow and deep at the same time??) I'm so glad Travis chose Sarah. I didn't like her at first but then I saw her falling for Travis and I believed her feelings for him instead of just wanting to win.
--American Idol! My favorite males are 1)Chris Daughtry, 2) Elliott Yamin and 3) Taylor Hicks. My favorite females are 1) Melissa McGhee, 2) Mandisa and 3) Paris Bennett.
What's been making me happy?
--I think I was the only one taking notes in mass this last Sunday. I started crying when I heard this: "So I will allure her; I will lead her into the desert and speak to her heart. From there I will give her the vineyards she had. She shall respond there as in the days of her youth. On that day, says the Lord, she shall call me "My husband". I will espouse you in fidelity, and you shall know the Lord."
God often compares his relationship with us to a marriage. My marriage is a constant reminder of what God wants from me as my creator. He wants a relationship with me. He doesn't just want me to share the big things with him, but also the little things. He wants to be a part of everything in my life. I started with reaching out to Him, and in turn he has blessed me in so many ways. I especially feel a focus on my marriage. He's right there with me and Ted. I feel like He's making something new. It's not the first time He's "refreshed" us and it won't be the last. Me and God go back a long way!
Woaahhhh!! I just got an analogy with my skin care products...maybe it's not so shallow after all! LOL. The cleansing gel is good to get us clean but then we need to close the pores with the toner so we can stay clean! I feel like God points our sin out to us and then we need to ask for forgiveness. Our relationship with Him is what keeps us clean. The more rely on Him, the easier it is. I'm going to start praying for good toner!
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