I got back from my 3 day retreat on Sunday. It was WONDERFUL!!! I'm never able to focus like that. Getting away from the family is something I really need now and then. Someone else cooked. Someone else did the dishes. There were no children there. There were no spouses there. There was no house to clean. Just me and a bunch of women...all trying to be better. It's like God called me to him from my craziness. He took away all my responsibilities so I could just BE. One thing I realized, is that in my crazy home life, I'm not as far away from Him as I thought. There were no new revelations...just deeper ones. He's been here all along, helping me get through each day, whether I feel him there or not. I just don't give credit to Him on all the small victories that happen. I guess I'm so focused on how hard it is that I tend to think of that instead of how much harder it would be if He wasn't here.
Every time I do something for the kids, I do it for Him. I mean I know that...but do I really know it in my heart? When I listen to loud cries, when I hold them and comfort them, when I feed them, when I clean them, when I tuck them in, when I change a diaper, when I kiss them, I am doing it for Him. Because they are "the least of these". Since I know I am doing for Him, shouldn't it be more cheerful? That would make it the perfect sacrifice. I try...but some days are harder than others.
When you get back from a retreat...it's like coming down the mountain. It's the perfect place to focus on God, but you can't take it with you. Eventually you have to come back to the real world and somehow incorporate some of what you had there. I'm learning more and more about myself...my strengths, my weaknesses. I'm learning how to make changes that stick and how to change the ones that don't. For instance, one of my goals is to always invite God into my day and give the day to Him. I ask Him to guide me. But I often forget to do this. I need visual reminders! So I now have a message on my mirror in my bathroom. It's a song verse. I tend to sing songs and it blocks out distractions so I can focus on God. Songs tend to "stick" more with me than words. The verse I have posted right now is, "Dear Jesus, Help me to spread your fragrance everywhere that I go. Dear Jesus, flood my soul with your Spirit and your Love." This is from a song called "The Fragrance Prayer" I believe. I think it's a good message for the day.
Ok, so I know my personality. Eventually, I'll get so used to seeing that verse, that I will ignore it. My idea is to change it when I start doing that. I want to keep God a part of my every day. I want to stay in the zone. The more I let go of that, the further it gets from me and it's hard to get back. I told someone at the retreat that I forget to pray because I'm so busy with the kids. And she said something so unbelievable simple yet true that I'm hoping I won't forget it. She said, "Just put whatever you're doing in the prayer". Wow...I get it. "God help me...the kids are driving me crazy! Please give me patience!" or "Lord, they are so beautiful. Thank you for the gift they are to me!" or "Lord, help me to be a better mother, because with you, everything is possible." Instead of waiting for quiet time. I just pray right then and there, whatever is going on. Praying is just talking to God. So how difficult can that be? I keep thinking I have to meditate or something. While that's a good thing...I think I need to work with what I have first. Baby steps. We talked a lot about those. I'm starting with baby steps. We'll see where they'll lead me.
Wednesday, September 28, 2005
Wednesday, September 21, 2005
Things About Me
Some of these things are things my close friends know, they're all probably things my husband and sister know, but most of these things many people don't know:
--3 weeks after getting my driver's license, I ran into a car while looking for the house of a boy I had a crush on. I hit my face on the steering wheel, bit my tongue, and totaled our family van. I got 12 stitches.
--I married that boy 7 years later.
--I play guitar.
--I'm the third child in a family of 6 kids.
--My husband and I both have an adopted sibling.
--I used to be deathly afraid of speaking in front of people. My heart would race and my voice would quiver. I overcame the fear when I started volunteering on youth retreats and giving talks.
--My mom had seizures while I was growing up. When I was in college they discovered and removed a benign brain tumor. She's fine today.
--In college, a friend pierced my ear with his earring in a bar. It was dumb...but, you know...it was college.
--I avoid things like 12 hour sales because I hate competitive shopping.
--I don't like long lines. There are not many things I will wait in a long line for. It feels like a waste of time. I will do stuff at odd times to avoid lines.
--I was the Senior Class Homecoming Maid for my high school.
--I love baby feet.
--If I could have only one make up item...it would be mascara.
--I am fascinated by Amy Grant.
--I've never tried drugs or pot (unless you consider alcohol a drug).
--I used cloth diapers on my first child.
--I played soccer in highschool and as a "club" sport in college.
--My jobs have been: McDonald's restaurant, Mexican restaurant hostess, day camp counselor, front desk attendant at my college dorm, usher at my college arena, Target floor sales, catalog company-- order taker, customer service rep, supervisor, assistant manager and manager.
--I got asked not to come back to my front desk attendant job because I gave the key to a drunk guy (who lived in the dorm)... to his girlfriend's room (he told me she wanted it!)
--I'm happiest when I have some freedom to act on my spontaneity.
--What I like about myself: I can talk to ANYONE!
--Least favorite trait: Poor sense of direction. Oh yah...I'm terrible with names.
--I was voted "Most Friendly" in my Senior class.
--I love to sing. I sang in a choir in highschool and college. I've sung in a couple weddings, but don't consider myself to be a soloist. I do miss choir singing. I hope to do it again some day.
--I was very shy as a youngster.
--I'm very open and honest.
--I love to watch people. If I had super powers, I would turn myself into a fly and would just watch people. I'd love to watch my kids at school, or Ben at Mom's Day Out, or fly inside famous people's houses.
--The thing I most disliked about my 20's--was how self conscious I was.
--The thing I love about my 30's--is not sweating the small stuff.
--When I was younger, I dreamed of having bigger breasts. Now I don't care.
--My mom would call me insightful and sensitive.
--I like writing poetry. I will share some one of these days.
--I'm so practical, I used to have a tough time buying knick knacks for the house. I could only do picture frames. Gradually, I branched into candles for decorating. Recently, when the power went out, Sam proclaimed, "I never knew we had so many candles!!!"
--I'm very frugal. I have a tough time spending a lot of money on clothes, purses, and shoes.
--When it comes to date nights, I'm not as frugal. I enjoy getting a babysitter and eating out.
--I shop at Target, Kohl's, TJMaxx, and Marshalls. But I don't shop very often.
--I've recently (within the past 3 years) discovered the joy of home improvement.
--I've flown in a hot air balloon. It was AWESOME!!
--I love a good book and a good movie, but I don't have time for either of them right now.
--I hate spending more than $2.00 on cards when it's something that someone else wrote and most people throw them away!
--I'd be a horrible monk. I'm too distracted in prayer. I can't focus on one thing for a long time unless it's a project.
--I love Disney World.
--Unbalanced things bug me. Ted planted some bushes in the front and they are not evenly spaced and it drives me crazy!!
--The angriest I felt I as a child was when my little brother threw all of my baby gerbils into a plastic helmet and the cut them on the plastic edge.
--The meanest thing I did as a child was with this young girl who was cute and got lots of attention. She told me she wasn't allergic to poison ivy so to test this, I took a poison ivy leaf and rubbed it all over her face. Her mom found out about it and this girl became more perfect as the victim and I felt horrible (I don't think she ever broke out in a rash so either she wasn't allergic to poison ivy or it wasn't a poison ivy leaf to begin with).
--I dream about... spiders, losing things in bed, not being ready for a soccer game, missing my stage cue (haven't had that one in a while), and forgetting that I was supposed to be going to class and realizing I've missed half of them. Can someone analyze this?
--I enjoy expressing myself, verbally or in writing.
--I find humor in a lot of things.
--As a child I was embarrassed because my Dad sang too loud in church and everyone would turn around to see who was singing so loud. I wanted to crawl under the pew.
--I don't leave the house without... my makeup on.
--I can have great ideas, but not always follow through with them.
--I liked math in school and disliked political science and history.
--I've always wanted 4 kids, because I thought pairs were better than an odd numbers, and more was better than less.
--I like reading People Magazine.
--I like being around people who are comfortable with themselves. Self conscious people make me feel self conscious.
--Today is my daughter, Abby's birthday. She is 7.
--I enjoy taking pictures and capturing a moment. I like action shots over posed.
--Sometimes I can go on and on, when I really need to stop! Like now!
--3 weeks after getting my driver's license, I ran into a car while looking for the house of a boy I had a crush on. I hit my face on the steering wheel, bit my tongue, and totaled our family van. I got 12 stitches.
--I married that boy 7 years later.
--I play guitar.
--I'm the third child in a family of 6 kids.
--My husband and I both have an adopted sibling.
--I used to be deathly afraid of speaking in front of people. My heart would race and my voice would quiver. I overcame the fear when I started volunteering on youth retreats and giving talks.
--My mom had seizures while I was growing up. When I was in college they discovered and removed a benign brain tumor. She's fine today.
--In college, a friend pierced my ear with his earring in a bar. It was dumb...but, you know...it was college.
--I avoid things like 12 hour sales because I hate competitive shopping.
--I don't like long lines. There are not many things I will wait in a long line for. It feels like a waste of time. I will do stuff at odd times to avoid lines.
--I was the Senior Class Homecoming Maid for my high school.
--I love baby feet.
--If I could have only one make up item...it would be mascara.
--I am fascinated by Amy Grant.
--I've never tried drugs or pot (unless you consider alcohol a drug).
--I used cloth diapers on my first child.
--I played soccer in highschool and as a "club" sport in college.
--My jobs have been: McDonald's restaurant, Mexican restaurant hostess, day camp counselor, front desk attendant at my college dorm, usher at my college arena, Target floor sales, catalog company-- order taker, customer service rep, supervisor, assistant manager and manager.
--I got asked not to come back to my front desk attendant job because I gave the key to a drunk guy (who lived in the dorm)... to his girlfriend's room (he told me she wanted it!)
--I'm happiest when I have some freedom to act on my spontaneity.
--What I like about myself: I can talk to ANYONE!
--Least favorite trait: Poor sense of direction. Oh yah...I'm terrible with names.
--I was voted "Most Friendly" in my Senior class.
--I love to sing. I sang in a choir in highschool and college. I've sung in a couple weddings, but don't consider myself to be a soloist. I do miss choir singing. I hope to do it again some day.
--I was very shy as a youngster.
--I'm very open and honest.
--I love to watch people. If I had super powers, I would turn myself into a fly and would just watch people. I'd love to watch my kids at school, or Ben at Mom's Day Out, or fly inside famous people's houses.
--The thing I most disliked about my 20's--was how self conscious I was.
--The thing I love about my 30's--is not sweating the small stuff.
--When I was younger, I dreamed of having bigger breasts. Now I don't care.
--My mom would call me insightful and sensitive.
--I like writing poetry. I will share some one of these days.
--I'm so practical, I used to have a tough time buying knick knacks for the house. I could only do picture frames. Gradually, I branched into candles for decorating. Recently, when the power went out, Sam proclaimed, "I never knew we had so many candles!!!"
--I'm very frugal. I have a tough time spending a lot of money on clothes, purses, and shoes.
--When it comes to date nights, I'm not as frugal. I enjoy getting a babysitter and eating out.
--I shop at Target, Kohl's, TJMaxx, and Marshalls. But I don't shop very often.
--I've recently (within the past 3 years) discovered the joy of home improvement.
--I've flown in a hot air balloon. It was AWESOME!!
--I love a good book and a good movie, but I don't have time for either of them right now.
--I hate spending more than $2.00 on cards when it's something that someone else wrote and most people throw them away!
--I'd be a horrible monk. I'm too distracted in prayer. I can't focus on one thing for a long time unless it's a project.
--I love Disney World.
--Unbalanced things bug me. Ted planted some bushes in the front and they are not evenly spaced and it drives me crazy!!
--The angriest I felt I as a child was when my little brother threw all of my baby gerbils into a plastic helmet and the cut them on the plastic edge.
--The meanest thing I did as a child was with this young girl who was cute and got lots of attention. She told me she wasn't allergic to poison ivy so to test this, I took a poison ivy leaf and rubbed it all over her face. Her mom found out about it and this girl became more perfect as the victim and I felt horrible (I don't think she ever broke out in a rash so either she wasn't allergic to poison ivy or it wasn't a poison ivy leaf to begin with).
--I dream about... spiders, losing things in bed, not being ready for a soccer game, missing my stage cue (haven't had that one in a while), and forgetting that I was supposed to be going to class and realizing I've missed half of them. Can someone analyze this?
--I enjoy expressing myself, verbally or in writing.
--I find humor in a lot of things.
--As a child I was embarrassed because my Dad sang too loud in church and everyone would turn around to see who was singing so loud. I wanted to crawl under the pew.
--I don't leave the house without... my makeup on.
--I can have great ideas, but not always follow through with them.
--I liked math in school and disliked political science and history.
--I've always wanted 4 kids, because I thought pairs were better than an odd numbers, and more was better than less.
--I like reading People Magazine.
--I like being around people who are comfortable with themselves. Self conscious people make me feel self conscious.
--Today is my daughter, Abby's birthday. She is 7.
--I enjoy taking pictures and capturing a moment. I like action shots over posed.
--Sometimes I can go on and on, when I really need to stop! Like now!
Monday, September 12, 2005
A Trunk Wanting to Be a Branch
In the past 3 years, I have been either pregnant or nursing. It's consuming, sacrificing and tiring. But it's two of the most awesome gifts in which a woman has a chance to take part. In the midst of this sacrifice for my children, I have temporarily lost a bit of myself. It's a necessary part of the whole process and it's SO worth it. But it can be difficult also. Any woman who absolutely loves the early, very dependent stages, has to feel sad as they become independent. I think the early stages are precious and fleeting, but I am usually a happier person when they are over. As much as I love holding a baby and marveling at them, the real life fact is that they are a lot of work.
I feel like I have been working in the trenches with little contact with the outside world. It's like being the trunk of a tree. You know you are extremely vital to the branches, but eventually you really just want to branch out! This is my personality! I am a branch! Now, I know people who can be a trunk and a branch at the same time. They take care of their babies, but don't let it slow them down. I'll talk about them later. The point is, I can't do that. When I have a young baby or a high maintenance toddler, many things fall behind. It takes all my energy and focus. Now, I'm not trying to portray an extreme picture. I still have the occasional girls night out, or date night, but my focus is worried about the little ones. Are they going to be OK with the babysitter? What if they can't communicate what they need? Etc. And the effort it takes to be a branch is sometimes too much effort so I stick to the trunk. In order to volunteer at school, it would be a weight on my shoulders to figure out who would watch the kids, would they take a nap there? or do I try to get home before the nap? I worry about too many things. So I just stick with safe route when they are young. My motto is: Don't commit to too much so I don't have to stress on how I'm going to get it done. Not realizing it, I end up stifling myself. And I can become bitter. I love to think of myself as one who loves kids and being a stay at home mom, so I hate to even admit this side of myself. But there it is. I love my babies, with all my heart! But with them, comes this huge burden I take on myself.
Lately, I have been blessed with some things that have opened up my world more.
1. Went on Zoloft--While I hate to admit this had a huge influence, it did. It took me off the downward spiral.
2. Mary weaned--Most of my freedom from this really came when she started getting most of what she needed from solids. But still, overnight get aways are impossible with a nursing baby.
3. My parents moved closer-- They now live 10 minutes away! This is much more convenient for babysitting when I am at school functions.
4. The kids are just plain getting older-- With every month, a little bit of maturity sneaks in when I'm not even looking.
5. Mary and Ben are better able to entertain themselves and don't have as many episodes of utter clinginess. They entertain each other.
6. Sam and Abby are back in school--I always underestimate how much attention they need. I think of them as the "older, easy ones". But they do have needs. And when they are at school, I can focus that much easier on other things.
7. Abby has a full day of school this year. No mid morning pick up! This is HUGE! I have one carpool and drive 3 days a week now as opposed to 2 carpools driving 5 days a week.
Because of the above, I have gradually let my branches reach to places I have avoided until now.
1. Ben is now enrolled in a Mother's Day Out program. The first day was yesterday. He cried all morning until they went outside. It will get better, I've been assured. I can use this day for Dr. appts, luncheons, etc. I still have Mary, but if necessary, I could leave her with my Mom.
2. I am going on retreat next weekend. The last two retreats, I brought a baby. It was NOT a retreat.
3. I'm focusing on Abby and Sam more. I have decided to enroll them in Scouts. Abby asked to join last year, so she is more than ready... and Sam is not a huge team sport person, so this will be good for him. I think I can handle this commitment of about 3 meetings a month.
4. I have signed up to play indoor soccer with school moms. This session is for 8 weeks on Tuesday nights. I used to play in highschool and college. It will be great bonding with other moms. They usually go somewhere for a drink afterwards ( I could use this!) OK..remember when I said some moms don't let babies hold them back? Well there's a lady on the team who just had her 6th baby and is playing with us! She nurses on the bench! The refs think she's crazy! LOL.
5. Now that Mary has weaned, I can do crop weekends again to catch up on my scrapbooks. This is the ONLY way for me! I have one scheduled in November. YAH!!. I am also cropping Saturdays, about once every 6 weeks at my mom and dad's.
6. Helping Others--I have neighbors down the street who I have known since college. She has a malignant brain tumor. I've never felt much help to her besides a meal here and there. I prayed that God would show me how I can help her. When Mary was first born, my life was crazy, but I knew God would show me what I could do. Sometimes, we're only thinking of the big ways when He shows us the small ways. I got her son, Alex, on with Sam's Cub Scout den so that I can help by taking him to pack and den meetings, buying the uniform, ironing on the badges, etc. Just taking care of all the details for them. Her son is like Sam, not really into sports. So they felt scouts was an important activity for him to do. It feels so good to feel like I can do something!
Gradually, I am branching out. I don't want to rush it because I know I am still committed to taking care of my kids at home. But it sure feels good!
Thank you, God, for knowing my needs and the right timing better than I ever could.
I feel like I have been working in the trenches with little contact with the outside world. It's like being the trunk of a tree. You know you are extremely vital to the branches, but eventually you really just want to branch out! This is my personality! I am a branch! Now, I know people who can be a trunk and a branch at the same time. They take care of their babies, but don't let it slow them down. I'll talk about them later. The point is, I can't do that. When I have a young baby or a high maintenance toddler, many things fall behind. It takes all my energy and focus. Now, I'm not trying to portray an extreme picture. I still have the occasional girls night out, or date night, but my focus is worried about the little ones. Are they going to be OK with the babysitter? What if they can't communicate what they need? Etc. And the effort it takes to be a branch is sometimes too much effort so I stick to the trunk. In order to volunteer at school, it would be a weight on my shoulders to figure out who would watch the kids, would they take a nap there? or do I try to get home before the nap? I worry about too many things. So I just stick with safe route when they are young. My motto is: Don't commit to too much so I don't have to stress on how I'm going to get it done. Not realizing it, I end up stifling myself. And I can become bitter. I love to think of myself as one who loves kids and being a stay at home mom, so I hate to even admit this side of myself. But there it is. I love my babies, with all my heart! But with them, comes this huge burden I take on myself.
Lately, I have been blessed with some things that have opened up my world more.
1. Went on Zoloft--While I hate to admit this had a huge influence, it did. It took me off the downward spiral.
2. Mary weaned--Most of my freedom from this really came when she started getting most of what she needed from solids. But still, overnight get aways are impossible with a nursing baby.
3. My parents moved closer-- They now live 10 minutes away! This is much more convenient for babysitting when I am at school functions.
4. The kids are just plain getting older-- With every month, a little bit of maturity sneaks in when I'm not even looking.
5. Mary and Ben are better able to entertain themselves and don't have as many episodes of utter clinginess. They entertain each other.
6. Sam and Abby are back in school--I always underestimate how much attention they need. I think of them as the "older, easy ones". But they do have needs. And when they are at school, I can focus that much easier on other things.
7. Abby has a full day of school this year. No mid morning pick up! This is HUGE! I have one carpool and drive 3 days a week now as opposed to 2 carpools driving 5 days a week.
Because of the above, I have gradually let my branches reach to places I have avoided until now.
1. Ben is now enrolled in a Mother's Day Out program. The first day was yesterday. He cried all morning until they went outside. It will get better, I've been assured. I can use this day for Dr. appts, luncheons, etc. I still have Mary, but if necessary, I could leave her with my Mom.
2. I am going on retreat next weekend. The last two retreats, I brought a baby. It was NOT a retreat.
3. I'm focusing on Abby and Sam more. I have decided to enroll them in Scouts. Abby asked to join last year, so she is more than ready... and Sam is not a huge team sport person, so this will be good for him. I think I can handle this commitment of about 3 meetings a month.
4. I have signed up to play indoor soccer with school moms. This session is for 8 weeks on Tuesday nights. I used to play in highschool and college. It will be great bonding with other moms. They usually go somewhere for a drink afterwards ( I could use this!) OK..remember when I said some moms don't let babies hold them back? Well there's a lady on the team who just had her 6th baby and is playing with us! She nurses on the bench! The refs think she's crazy! LOL.
5. Now that Mary has weaned, I can do crop weekends again to catch up on my scrapbooks. This is the ONLY way for me! I have one scheduled in November. YAH!!. I am also cropping Saturdays, about once every 6 weeks at my mom and dad's.
6. Helping Others--I have neighbors down the street who I have known since college. She has a malignant brain tumor. I've never felt much help to her besides a meal here and there. I prayed that God would show me how I can help her. When Mary was first born, my life was crazy, but I knew God would show me what I could do. Sometimes, we're only thinking of the big ways when He shows us the small ways. I got her son, Alex, on with Sam's Cub Scout den so that I can help by taking him to pack and den meetings, buying the uniform, ironing on the badges, etc. Just taking care of all the details for them. Her son is like Sam, not really into sports. So they felt scouts was an important activity for him to do. It feels so good to feel like I can do something!
Gradually, I am branching out. I don't want to rush it because I know I am still committed to taking care of my kids at home. But it sure feels good!
Thank you, God, for knowing my needs and the right timing better than I ever could.
Friday, September 09, 2005
What Would You Take?
With all the media talking about devastation of Katrina, it made Ted and I think about what would we do if we were evacuated from our home? If we had 48 hours notice, what would we take? Where would we go? Some people chose to stay with relatives in another city. We figured we could go to Kansas City to stay with an Aunt, but other than that, all of our relatives are here. So we thought about it. What would we really do? Would we take both cars? Probably. Why not? Then we would go to storage and pick up our trailer. We'd pack it with clothes, food, flashlights, batteries, video camera, camera, laptop, computer, ceramic heater, toiletries, game boy, cell phones, insurance paperwork, legal documents (marriage license, birth certificates, title to the house, etc), family videos, albums, calendars, journals, memory boxes, stroller, diapers, etc. We'd leave the furniture, bikes, appliances (luckily we have some in the trailer), jewelry (I have nothing worth anything...my wedding ring is lost), etc. We'd call our families and pick a campground that was safe from the disaster and has full hook ups and we'd have our own shower, toilet, water, heat, air, clothes and food. Gee, aren't we lucky. The poor didn't have any of those options or conveniences.
If I had a car and no trailer...then what would I take? Anything that cannot be bought or is small enough to take (we have a Suburban...so extra space is available. Maybe only one change of clothes per person, laptop, computer CPU, camera, video camera, legal documents, journals, calendars, cell phones, stroller, diapers, etc. I'd leave the memory boxes (all stuff I've saved that the kids have made or accomplished), but we'd still have room for the albums.
OK...what if we ran out of gas and couldn't fill up. What would we be able to take on foot? Well, assuming we each could carry a bag, we'd have to leave the albums, bring the CD's of digital pictures and some negatives, take out the hard drive from the CPU (see how important our computer is??), legal documents, change of clothes, credit cards, ID, cell phones, game boy (why not? It's small!), digital camera, diaper bag, snacks and stroller.
It would be hard to give up my journals and documentations on the kids...but really, the most important thing would be having them there with me so we could make more memories! It makes you realize how much stuff you have that is really unessential.
What would you take?
If I had a car and no trailer...then what would I take? Anything that cannot be bought or is small enough to take (we have a Suburban...so extra space is available. Maybe only one change of clothes per person, laptop, computer CPU, camera, video camera, legal documents, journals, calendars, cell phones, stroller, diapers, etc. I'd leave the memory boxes (all stuff I've saved that the kids have made or accomplished), but we'd still have room for the albums.
OK...what if we ran out of gas and couldn't fill up. What would we be able to take on foot? Well, assuming we each could carry a bag, we'd have to leave the albums, bring the CD's of digital pictures and some negatives, take out the hard drive from the CPU (see how important our computer is??), legal documents, change of clothes, credit cards, ID, cell phones, game boy (why not? It's small!), digital camera, diaper bag, snacks and stroller.
It would be hard to give up my journals and documentations on the kids...but really, the most important thing would be having them there with me so we could make more memories! It makes you realize how much stuff you have that is really unessential.
What would you take?
Thursday, September 08, 2005
I Have A Dream
Ok. I don't mean to steal the title of the famous Martin Luther King speach, because this blog won't even come close to his eloquence. I'll get to the dream in a minute...but first I want to say that I actually made up my own "I Have a Dream" speech a while ago and it went something like, "I have a dream...that one day I will get a full night sleep. There will be no more crying, no more poopy diapers..." Etc, etc. I don't know why I do these things. I guess to entertain myself.
But anyway, back to my dream. I have a friend, Theresa, who lives in Australia. She used to live here, but when she was 18 her dad got a job transfer to Australia and she fell in love and married an Aussie. So she stayed there and her family came back. Theresa and her family came back here to live for a while, but now are back in Australia and have been for about 4-5 years now. She's been my friend since 4th grade. She's fun, energetic, and positive. I love hanging out with her. She comes back to visit occasionally and we pick up where we left off...like she's been here all along. My dream has always been to visit her in Australia.
One day I mentioned this to Ted. I said, "How will this ever be possible? Will we ever get to visit them?" When we looked at how much it would cost to go there as a family...fohgetaboutit. If we looked at going as a couple we'd have to find someone to watch our kids for 10-14 days...fohgetaboutTHATtoo. Then, my husband spoke some of the sweetest words I have ever heard, "Maybe you'll just have to go by yourself." WHAT? Did he just say what I thought he said?
To make sure he doesn't forget what he said, I remind him about it occasionally. My dream is to go the year I turn 40 which is 4 years away. Sam, Abby and Ben will be in full time school and Mary will be in preschool. Four years is a long time away. Who knows what can happen in four years that will make it harder for me to go?
I've decided to get one of those credit cards on which you can earn miles. I'll have 4 years to accrue enough miles for a ticket. To figure out how many miles I need to earn, you are supposed to take the price of the ticket and multiply by 80. To go to Australia, it can cost anywhere from $800-1600. You multiply this by 80 and you get 64,000-128,000 miles. The first two years you get 20,000 bonus miles, so this makes it 44,000-108,000. You have to charge a penny to get one mile. I sure hope I can get the $800 ticket. The miles expire after five years.
So this is my dream. Four years from now, I hope I'm writing in this blog about the wonderful trip I've taken.
But anyway, back to my dream. I have a friend, Theresa, who lives in Australia. She used to live here, but when she was 18 her dad got a job transfer to Australia and she fell in love and married an Aussie. So she stayed there and her family came back. Theresa and her family came back here to live for a while, but now are back in Australia and have been for about 4-5 years now. She's been my friend since 4th grade. She's fun, energetic, and positive. I love hanging out with her. She comes back to visit occasionally and we pick up where we left off...like she's been here all along. My dream has always been to visit her in Australia.
One day I mentioned this to Ted. I said, "How will this ever be possible? Will we ever get to visit them?" When we looked at how much it would cost to go there as a family...fohgetaboutit. If we looked at going as a couple we'd have to find someone to watch our kids for 10-14 days...fohgetaboutTHATtoo. Then, my husband spoke some of the sweetest words I have ever heard, "Maybe you'll just have to go by yourself." WHAT? Did he just say what I thought he said?
To make sure he doesn't forget what he said, I remind him about it occasionally. My dream is to go the year I turn 40 which is 4 years away. Sam, Abby and Ben will be in full time school and Mary will be in preschool. Four years is a long time away. Who knows what can happen in four years that will make it harder for me to go?
I've decided to get one of those credit cards on which you can earn miles. I'll have 4 years to accrue enough miles for a ticket. To figure out how many miles I need to earn, you are supposed to take the price of the ticket and multiply by 80. To go to Australia, it can cost anywhere from $800-1600. You multiply this by 80 and you get 64,000-128,000 miles. The first two years you get 20,000 bonus miles, so this makes it 44,000-108,000. You have to charge a penny to get one mile. I sure hope I can get the $800 ticket. The miles expire after five years.
So this is my dream. Four years from now, I hope I'm writing in this blog about the wonderful trip I've taken.
Tuesday, September 06, 2005
Work Away From Home
This is what I would call our camping trip over Labor Day weekend. It was not a vacation. It was more like "work...away from home". Now, I really hate sounding negative...but I always want to be real. And sometimes "real" is somewhat negative. Ben was just a lot of work.
Now, we're not dummies. We know what we are getting ourselves into when we go camping. We've had two other bad experiences this summer. We don't do this to punish ourselves. We mainly do it hoping it will be better this time and we also know that Sam and Abby will thoroughly enjoy themselves. We hope we can carve out some relaxation for ourselves, but instead we are doing a lot of tag teaming. My husband is a mere man in the passing. He's a great help and I couldn't do it without him but I hardly see him when we're camping: "Ok..I'll take Abby and Sam to the beach and you can stay here while Ben and Mary nap" or "You can stay by the campfire while I tuck the kids in bed and wait for them to fall asleep" or "I'll go to the 8am mass and take Abby and you can go to the 10:30 with Sam".
I know it won't be like this forever. And I'm sorry, but I get really frustrated when people tell me not to wish it away because it all goes by so fast. I want to say, "Do YOU want to do it all over again?" Now, don't get me wrong, we have some really nice Little House on the Prarie moments too. But right now, Ben is extremely high maintenance and we are constantly slicing cheese for the "whinefest". And I don't think it's just the twos. I've had two year olds before and yes, they have fits...they just seemed happier more often than Ben. Case in point, there was another two year old there (we camped with 3 other families) and this boy was a complete angel. He adapted well to the new environment, was not clingy or whiney AT ALL. He was social with other people and listened when his parents told him to not throw the rocks. When you have a real life comparison, then you know you are not going crazy. And the family across the street has a very laid back two year old too. So I know Ben is more difficult than the norm. It's nice to get those validating statements every once in a while like the one I got from my sister this weekend (she went too and observed the whinefest), "Missy, he would drive ME crazy."
One thing I remind myself is that we as humans look at other people's lives with tunnel vision. We see what we want to see, or are able to see, and not the whole picture. So I know that these other two year olds aren't perfect. But for some reason, these logical statements don't help when I'm watching other people hanging out and having full conversations while I'm trying to keep my child happy.
What's wild about these stages...as difficult as they are, they end. I know next year will be a totally different camping year. Ben will be 3 and Mary will be 1 1/2. Ben might let Sam and Abby help him more than he does now. I try to focus on this when I'm frustrated. But it's still hard. And I know Mary has some part in this too. Ben's personality probably is aggravated by the fact he has to share me... and had to at a young age. But he loves Mary. They will make great playmates and do already.
Another thing I have to look forward to is an ACTS retreat in about 2 1/2 weeks. It's starts on a Thursday evening and goes until Sunday. It will be great to have that time away. I'm fortunate to have a supportive husband who is willing to take a day off work on Friday and watch the kids all weekend. When we were camping I ran into a girl I used to work with. When I asked about her husband, she told me he died of a serious infection around his heart last February. What breaks does SHE have to look forward to?? There is always someone around who puts things into perspective. Who reminds you things could be worse.
Now, we're not dummies. We know what we are getting ourselves into when we go camping. We've had two other bad experiences this summer. We don't do this to punish ourselves. We mainly do it hoping it will be better this time and we also know that Sam and Abby will thoroughly enjoy themselves. We hope we can carve out some relaxation for ourselves, but instead we are doing a lot of tag teaming. My husband is a mere man in the passing. He's a great help and I couldn't do it without him but I hardly see him when we're camping: "Ok..I'll take Abby and Sam to the beach and you can stay here while Ben and Mary nap" or "You can stay by the campfire while I tuck the kids in bed and wait for them to fall asleep" or "I'll go to the 8am mass and take Abby and you can go to the 10:30 with Sam".
I know it won't be like this forever. And I'm sorry, but I get really frustrated when people tell me not to wish it away because it all goes by so fast. I want to say, "Do YOU want to do it all over again?" Now, don't get me wrong, we have some really nice Little House on the Prarie moments too. But right now, Ben is extremely high maintenance and we are constantly slicing cheese for the "whinefest". And I don't think it's just the twos. I've had two year olds before and yes, they have fits...they just seemed happier more often than Ben. Case in point, there was another two year old there (we camped with 3 other families) and this boy was a complete angel. He adapted well to the new environment, was not clingy or whiney AT ALL. He was social with other people and listened when his parents told him to not throw the rocks. When you have a real life comparison, then you know you are not going crazy. And the family across the street has a very laid back two year old too. So I know Ben is more difficult than the norm. It's nice to get those validating statements every once in a while like the one I got from my sister this weekend (she went too and observed the whinefest), "Missy, he would drive ME crazy."
One thing I remind myself is that we as humans look at other people's lives with tunnel vision. We see what we want to see, or are able to see, and not the whole picture. So I know that these other two year olds aren't perfect. But for some reason, these logical statements don't help when I'm watching other people hanging out and having full conversations while I'm trying to keep my child happy.
What's wild about these stages...as difficult as they are, they end. I know next year will be a totally different camping year. Ben will be 3 and Mary will be 1 1/2. Ben might let Sam and Abby help him more than he does now. I try to focus on this when I'm frustrated. But it's still hard. And I know Mary has some part in this too. Ben's personality probably is aggravated by the fact he has to share me... and had to at a young age. But he loves Mary. They will make great playmates and do already.
Another thing I have to look forward to is an ACTS retreat in about 2 1/2 weeks. It's starts on a Thursday evening and goes until Sunday. It will be great to have that time away. I'm fortunate to have a supportive husband who is willing to take a day off work on Friday and watch the kids all weekend. When we were camping I ran into a girl I used to work with. When I asked about her husband, she told me he died of a serious infection around his heart last February. What breaks does SHE have to look forward to?? There is always someone around who puts things into perspective. Who reminds you things could be worse.
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