Maggie's Story

Sunday and Monday were full of funeral gatherings for my friend Gwen who died on Friday. It was good to see so many friends and good to meet some of her family members I had heard of but never met. I was amazed at how well her kids held up. This is when it's good to have a closed casket. I can't imagine the kids having to look at their mom's body the whole time. Everyone has a different way to explain death to the kids. Mary, Gwen's 3 1/2 year old, would look at the casket and say, "My mommy's in there." And then, "When are they going to open that up?", and when will I see her again?". A neighbor who often takes care of Mary said, "Remember? You won't see her again...mommy's sleeping." How confusing! If you're told someone is sleeping, then you want to know when they wake up. Oh well. We all do the best we can.

Personally, I like focusing on the Heaven part. Mommy's in heaven and cancer free. She's happier than she's ever been. When you're grieving, though, you just want to be allowed to be sad. Heaven definitely makes you happier for the person who's going there, but it doesn't take away the fact that you will not see that person for a long while. You still have a gaping hole of a loss that will feel like a gaping hole for a long time.

When I lost my baby, Maggie (23 weeks in vitro), I experienced the death of someone I never got to know. I imagine that makes it much easier to bare, but harder to grieve. What am I grieving for? I saw her, but not as she would have been as a full-term newborn. I saw her as a 23 week old fetus. She was fully formed, but her skin was thin and transparent. I could see inside her body. Since her skin was so thin, when she came out she had already started deteriorating. Her skin was so wet and fragile, I was afraid it would fall off if I touched her. Every minute she was left outside of my body, she lost moisture and became shrunken looking. I know this is not a pretty picture. Sorry if it's too much for you, but it was all I had of her.

I guess now is a good time as any to tell her story. I found out I was pregnant with Maggie on February 23, 2001. She would be our third child. Her pregnancy went great. I had an ultrasound on June 1st and everything looked great, so you can imagine my surprise when I found out it wasn't. After a trip to Florida, I noticed I didn't feel much movement. I was somewhat worried, but knew I hardly paid attention to it. I went to my routine 5 month visit to the doctor. I took Sam and Abby with me because, normally, they are really quick visits...get on the scale, get the blood pressure reading, lay down on the bed, get measured and listen for the heart beat. Simple. But not that day. She couldn't find the heart beat. She had me pop in another room for a quick ultrasound. She told me she couldn't find the heart beat. I said, "Can you not find it or is it that you are on the heart and it is not beating. Her answer deflated me. The heart was NOT beating. What a shock. Is my baby dead?? She had me go to the hospital to confirm it. I had to explain what was going on to Sam and Abby who were only 4 1/2 and 2 1/2. At the hospital they confirmed that she had died recently. She had swelling in the brain and fluids in her abdomen and she was right in line with the size that she should be.

The next day we checked into the hospital at 6:00 in the morning, to be induced. They started me on Pitocin at 8:00am which brought on contractions by 1:30pm, but they weren't strong. This went on all day and night. I was not progressing. Even with regularly increasing Pitocin, my labor wasn't going anywhere. My doctor didn't want to bring it on too strong because of my previous C-section. I had one successful v-back since, but he still continued cautiously.

The next day they tried another method to get labor going. They inserted 6 "Laminaria" into my cervix at 11am. The Laminaria are like little cotton sticks that expand with moisture. The expansion should encourage the cervix to dilate. They need to stay there for 24 hours. I could go home and come back the next day. This was a relief for me because I had not eaten for 36 hours. I was starving!!! It was weird going home with the job incomplete. We ate lunch at Arby's and I spent the afternoon napping. The kids were at my sister's so we took advantage of that by going to the Outback before picking them up. It was so strange going out with a big, pregnant belly...knowing there was no life inside me. It was just a reminder of what I still needed to accomplish. I was hoping no one would ask me when I was due.

When we picked them up, we bought fireworks on the way home. It was the Fourth of July. They both understood that Maggie was dead in my belly. I'm sure it was confusing to them that Maggie was up in Heaven but my belly was still round. Sam wasn't sad...he just said, "God will give us another one." In chatting, Abby would say, "We're not going to have a baby anymore." She kept repeating this...almost as a reminder to herself. It was nice spending time with them before I had to go back to the hospital to finish what we started.

July 5th, day 3 of this horrible mess, we went back to the hospital to have the Laminaria removed. They broke my bag of waters afterwards in hopes to get this thing going! My body seemed more relaxed than before. Nothing happened all day. That evening, my doctor told me he wanted to try a pill called Cytotec. This would be inserted into the cervix and is a stronger means of starting contractions. The pill was inserted at 10pm and they gave me a sleeping pill at 11:15pm (I had horrible sleep this whole time). I woke up at 1:30 and couldn't go back to sleep. I had chills with a low grade fever and threw up at 3:00 am. At 4:30am, the nurses pricked me all over trying to get bloodwork because they were worried my fever might be indicating an infection. My fever rose to 103.6. This was the lowpoint of this whole ordeal. It just seemed to last forever with no end in sight. I was exhausted. Thankfully, the bloodwork came back negative--no infection. They gave me antibiotics anyway and more cytotec.

July 6--My doctor passes me on to the care of a high risk pregnancy doctor. A c-section is a last resort. A c-section is for the baby, not the mother. Since we didn't have a live baby, there was no urgency to do a c-section, but they would do it if they had to. She gave me another dose of cytotec. She also tried another method. Yes, it was another foreign object shoved up my cervix! *eyeroll*. She inserted a tube with a balloon that she inflated while it was in my cervix. It worked! By 11am my fever was down to 100 and I started with regular contractions. I was not allowed to have an epidural because of my fever...they were worried about causing an infection. At 12:30 they gave me a shot of morphine that did nothing for the pain, and "Staydol" which was supposed to relax me. I was on the phone with my sister, Lisa, and I would set it down whenever I had a strong contraction. My mom and Ted were in the room and my in-laws were in the waiting room. During one of the contractions, Maggie's lifeless body came into the world...no push needed. Ted had to tell Lisa so she could hang up and come see me.

No one was ready and the blanket was covering me so no one knew she came. It was not at all how I imagined it would be. I announced to everyone she was here. The nurses rushed over to help me. The moment had finally arrived when we would meet Maggie face to face. She was almost a pound and almost a foot. She was very red and moist. I was amazed by the labor experience...to feel her slip easily out of my body. I was surprised by how quietly she came. So different from the normal labor experience. There were no bright lights, no legs in stirrups, no pushing, no epidural and no doctor. She just came while I was laying on my side. It was so intimate and calm. It was her gift to me. God's peace in me, was His give to me. I didn't cry. I just wanted to examine her. I wanted to kiss her, even though she didn't seem kissable. Her skin was so thin and transparent. She was dead inside me for four days.

We took pictures to capture her short time with us. We even had First Foto pictures taken. There is a group of women in the hospital who make clothes for stillborns. The nurse took her to make footprints and dressed her for the photos. The nurse came back with tears in her eyes. It was her first experience like this. I thanked her immensely because these are my treasures of Maggie now. I couldn't imagine how hard it was to dress this flimsy, wet body. This nurse and all the other nurses who cared for me, are angels in my eyes.

We had so much love poured on us from the people in our lives. It was overwhelming. 45 cards came in expressing sympathies. This was my favorite card:

"Dear Missy,
I've been trying to think of something comforting to say, but the sadness is too much, and I cannot. When I think about little Maggie's life, the potential that will never be realized, and all the love that she will never experience, it overwhelms me. Then there is your family, and the void that will always exist because she is not there. I am so sorry, Missy. I will always remember Maggie, and the beautiful girl she would have been, because she and Rachel share the same birthday. May God forever hold Maggie in His arms, and bless you with the warmth of His eternal love."

Wow. She put herself in my shoes and poured her heart out to me. I felt her sadness for me. Many people did this. I believe that for every tear they cried for me, it save me one. I believe that with all the support received, my burden was made lighter. I pictured every person carrying and sharing this burden with me. Not to mention that Christ was sharing it with me too. I felt especially strong during this time and especially at peace. I'm no fool. I know it was not me. I know it was God's strength and God's peace. I know it was from all the prayers from people when I didn't have the energy or the desire to pray. Don't ever feel like your contribution is small or insignicant to someone mourning. Every piece is woven into a huge quilt that provides all that someone needs. God provides the rest.

At her funeral service we sang "Jesus Loves Me". Do you know the second verse?
"Jesus loves me, He who died,
Heaven's gates are open wide
He will wash away my sin
Let His little child come in"

And then we kicked it up with a fast song: "That Where I am There You May Also Be" by Rich Mullins. I love the lyrics of this song. It's when Jesus was telling the Apostles that he was leaving them but he would prepare a place for them in his Father's house. LOVE IT!! This pretty much sums it up. As Christians, we believe that life doesn't end in death. Death is the beginning of a new life with Jesus. It's where we all want to be. It's our goal. Maggie just reached her goal more quickly than then most of us.


I will post pictures...but I can't do it on this post for some reason. I'll do it on another one.