My scripture verse calendar said today, "Our steps are made firm by the Lord, when He delights in our way; though we stumble, we shall not fall headlong, for the Lord holds us by the hand." Psalm 37:23-24. I feel like my steps are firm right now. God has given me direction! Two days ago it was, "But the Lord's plans stand firm forever; his intentions can never be shaken" Psalms 33:11. Now I know why my friend Ann likes the Psalms so much! These words really speak to me right now. The other day I received one of my books in the mail, "The Five Love Languages...How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate" by Gary Chapman. I have had so much fun devouring this book!! I totally recommend it to anyone who wants a closer relationship with their spouse!
A couple of blogs ago I expressed a desire to strengthen my connection with Ted. We had an "incident" happen that was like a little alarm going off that something was wrong. Ted and I have a great foundation on which our relationship is built. We get along really well, we respect each other immensely, and we are committed to a lifelong marriage. What gets hard is keeping our intimacy with all the daily distractions and responsibilities of life! Their are periods when the romantic side of life is hard to find and it all feels like work with few rewards. Thank God it's not always like that...but their are periods. It's during these periods where I feel we "fall behind" with each other. I've neglected his needs and he's neglected mine. We try...but we're like two people trying to shovel sand into all the pails of life...sometimes he makes it into my pail, sometimes the wind blows and only a few grains find the pail. Sometimes the other pails are screaming louder for more sand and we can't keep up with the demands. So now we are trying to separate ourselves from the other pails, from the wind, and the other elements, to focus on each other. Our goal is to fill each other's buckets regularly. I know...it sounds hard, but we are determined.
Dr. Gary Chapman has totally educated me! I have learned that there are five love languages. We all speak one primarily but then can also dabble in the others. The five love languages are:
--Words of Affirmation
--Receiving Gifts
--Quality Time
--Acts of Service
--Physical Touch
Ted and I took tests and found that these were our scores:
ME
Quality Time--11
Acts of Service--9
Receiving Gifts--5
Physical Touch--3
Words of Affirmation--2
Ted
Physical Touch--11
Words of Affirmation--9
Quality Time--6
Acts of Service--4
Receiving Gifts--0
See the problem? I'm wanting time with him and his help with the kids and the house. He wants physical touch and to know that I think he's wonderful! This is how we feel love from the other person. If you don't know the love language your spouse speaks, you could be spinning your wheels doing acts of service (which you think is conveying your love...cooking, cleaning, etc) when it would mean more to him if you held his hand and told him how proud you are of him.
I was shocked to see how high Ted ranked physical touch. This is not to be totally confused with sex. We all know men like sex. Physical Touch means they like it when you hug and kiss them, when you touch their knee as you are sitting and talking, the way you wrap your arms around their neck. They feel intimate and loved with these acts (even without the sex). I was relieved to see the affirmation part, because I feel like I've always been pretty good and building him up. The problem is, when I'm frustrated because my bucket isn't full, he takes it personally that he's not doing a good job. He couldn't figure out why I was unhappy sometimes. He was helping me with the kids and the house...what more could I want? Reading this book made us realize that I wanted more of his time with me! This easily suffers when you have kids, but it doesn't have to totally disappear! It just takes more effort.
I love this book! Dr. Chapman thinks we could gain a lot from learning our kids love languages. He says that many kids misconduct is rooted in an empty emotional love tank (he calls it this...kind of like filling up a gas tank). Despite most parents loving their kids, we aren't speaking their love language and therefore they don't "fill up". I don't know two parent's who are prouder of their son than Ted's, but because they weren't verbal with affirmation for him and not terribly demonstrative with affection, his "love tank" felt empty. I think this is why he was immediately attracted to me. I was full of life, expressive, and loved his hugs and kisses! Dr. Chapman explains that the "in love" feeling lasts for a certain time...maybe two years...and then we allow ourselves to see that person in a more realistic light. At first, it's easy to speak the same love language, it pours out of us! We are on a euphoric high! But this part of love is not what makes you last the length. He says, that after the euphoria dies, you have to chose to love, and you have to learn to speak your spouse's love language.
Where do we go from here? Ted and I are going to make a list (as Dr. Chapman suggests). My list should say all the things that would speak love to me if Ted did them. In my next blog, I will share our lists. One thing I noticed that Dr. Chapman stressed. Our lists are not "to do" lists, they are not requirements for the other person. They are ways the other person can express their love.
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