You didn't know by my post yesterday that I was about to have one distraught afternoon, but I did. I would say the whole horrible experience lasted about an hour. And when it was over, I was over it. But when I was in it, I thought I would go crazy.
It started at 4:25pm when I realized the time. Shoot! Abby has softball practice in 35 minutes and I'm carpooling!!! I yell out to Abby to get ready for practice. I call out to Sam and tell him we have to leave soon for Abby's practice. I was only dropping her off and coming back so it wasn't important that Ben and Mary be fully clothed with shoes and socks. As Ben was playing on the computer, I whisked him off the chair to change the poop I smelled. He was not happy. This was the beginning of his raging cries that would last another 45 minutes. He was upset he had to get off the computer (his new passion is playing Dora games), and he didn't get a nap this afternoon so he wasn't in a flexible frame of mind. Then I get a phone call. I figured it was Jackie, the lady I was carpooling with. I answered it before checking caller ID. Shoot! It was my old neighbor who I haven't talked to in a while. He asked what I was up to and I breathlessly told him we were heading out the door for softball practice. I apologized for Ben's screams in the background (I hesitate calling any of his tantrums "background"...they are more like "center stage"). I had to ask him "What?" a couple of times because I couldn't hear. But I thought this might encourage him to call me back, but he continued. I then asked him if I could call him back. "Sure", he said.
Whew! After hanging up with him, I checked on Abby. "Abby, where are you??". She was in the bathroom. Abby always has great timing for the bathroom: right before church, right before carpool comes, and now, before her practice when we are in a hurry! This was my first time carpooling with Jackie for softball. We talked about it the other day. Since she is in the opposite direction, I knew I should leave 25 minutes early so I can pick up her daughter and take the longer drive back to the practice field. I tell Abby to meet us in the car. She comes out with no shoes and socks on and her hair is in her face. She grabs her shoes and socks and I grab a barrette for her and we load in the car. Do you have your drink? No. I run in to get her water bottle.
Getting in the car is always an accomplishment and the rest was downhill....so I thought. Ben's screaming cries were persistent! This was a tired cry that was beyond reasoning or distracting. I felt sorry for Sam sitting right next to him in the back seat. Although, it really didn't matter where you sat, you could hear him loud and clear. Ben started screaming for his drink. Darn. In my hurry I forgot their sippy cups. He'll get over it. We're only running an errand. This should not be that difficult. I told him we'd get a drink when we got home. Through out the 10 minute trip to Jackie's, I consoled him with, "Ben, you are OK. Come on...let's settle down"..."Ben, we'll get your drink when we get home"..."Are you tired?"..."Do you want to take a nap when we get home?"...and so on and so on.
I checked the rest of the scene in the car. Sam was next to him playing Game Boy looking unaffected, Abby was in the row of seats behind me with Mary. Both of them seemed totally fine. I thought about how our car would sound if he wasn't in it. It would have been totally peaceful. This struck me. Then I thought about Ted. He was at the Cardinal's baseball game with a client. I pictured him yucking it up, drinking beer, having a nice cheerful, relaxing time at the game. This just made matters worse. My cell phone ringing interrupted my thoughts. It was Jackie! "Where are you?", she said from her cell phone. "I'm in your driveway." Oh crap. "I'm in your subdivision.", I said. And then she started rambling in moderate hysterics. She's the very verbal, hyper type. And she means well, but sometimes she can say things that sound abrupt. Which was what I told my self after her litany of: "Remember when I told you just the other day that I was picking Abby up?" and "You were the one that wanted to take home because you were going to have Ted do it on the way home from work...remember?" and "Maybe this isn't going to work". All of this was happening with Ben's cries in the background...I mean...on center stage. I couldn't focus. She was absolutely right. I just wasn't thinking. I had it all mixed up in my head when I thought I need to take. I had made a mistake. I told her all of this, but her words just brought me to a whole new level of stress, frustration and deflation. She was acting very defensive to a person who accepted the blame right away and had a child screaming amidst it all. One simple, gentle sentence would have been enough for me. I realized what I had done immediately.
I turned my big boat Suburban around. We agreed that she should just take her daughter straight to practice and I would go ahead and take Abby. We encountered all kinds of rush hour traffic which made our drive take longer. I wish I could have recorded his cries so I wouldn't keep having to say, "And the screams played on...". It could have been a soundtrack while you read this blog. But then you would have left. Just like I wished I could have. I pictured myself causing physical harm to him. I was driving...so he was quite safe. It almost made me feel better and worse at the same time. It was at this point that I turned up the stereo. At least there would be some good music to go with the crying. Our windows were open so I'm sure this made for some interesting entertainment for anyone going by. I turned down the radio to call Ted. He was on his way back to work...with the clients. I couldn't vent. Plus, I realized he wouldn't have time to pick up. I'd have to come back. Ugh.
We finally got to practice. I pulled up my car next to Jackie's. She said she would stay through the practice and take the girls home. "I wish I had a magazine though!". It just struck me as ironic that she would be happier with a magazine in her quiet car and I would happier to have her quiet car! (Her youngest was the one at practice). I'm sure we do this all the time as mothers...wish for something someone else has and all the while someone is wishing for what we have! I was grateful for her offer and didn't fight her on it. I was just happy to have the job done and now we could go home.
Yes, Ben continued to cry and would punctuate with a nice scream every now and then. Sam tried to help him. I loved him for being so patient with Ben. I'm just wondering what it will be like when Ben will be out of this stage. I'll be bounding around so happy...people will be jealous of me.
5:15pm. We were finally home. Ben says in a very sweet voice, "Mommy, can I play on the computer?". I said, "OK". And it was over. Just like that. Like someone flipped a switch. And my mood bounced out almost as quickly. When Ted got home, I wanted to express some that frustration that earlier, couldn't wait to burst out over the phone to him, but it was gone. I had already eaten my humble pie, I didn't want to swim in it! I was ready to relax, knowing that Ted was home and I had help.
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