CRASH!!!!

Things were going fine all week. I was even giving myself a pat on the back, "See girl? You got it all together!" I didn't know a crash was about to happen. I even felt like Super Woman the day I put the baby bed down and put together Ben's new big boy's bed. On Friday, IT happened. IT paralyzed me. I could no longer tolerate anything else for the day. I couldn't think, I couldn't continue the day. I wanted to shut my door and go to bed. Call the day over and escape. I called Ted and cried. I felt weak, defeated and negative. Ted called it "doom and gloom". What was IT? IT was the last straw. Ben woke up Mary from her nap...and my whole world came crashing down after it happened. There goes my break. You would have thought somebody died. That night, when Ted got home, I was exhausted. I went straight to bed. Why did I take it so hard? What happened to me? I look back on this and reflect. Sometimes I hate the emotions that come along with being a woman. I don't understand them. Ted doesn't understand them. Where did this come from? I started retracing my steps to see what led up to my collapse. Here are the contributing factors that I can think of:

--Carpool lady is on complete bedrest because of preterm labor. I now pick up every day except Friday. Ben is not getting his naps because he's not tired early enough for a full nap. I can't lay him down at 2pm, his usually nap time, because I leave at 2:40 to pick up the kids. I keep him up instead and sometimes he just skips a full nap. Sometimes I lay him down when I come home...either way, it's screwed with his schedule. I'm not getting a good break from the kids. Mary's nap is the only sure thing that happens...and that didn't happen on Friday.

--At my CRHP meeting last Sunday, I was asked to lead music for the retreat this fall. This brought a flurry of excitement, thinking, practicing (basically obsessing) for two days straight. Sunday night I couldn't sleep. With this distraction going on, I neglected other things.

--Mary is now in full cahoots with Ben and is getting into everything. She spills full boxes of cereal on the floor, plays in the toilet water, cannot be served peanut butter and jelly or she'll be wearing it, wants to be held a lot, wants what Ben has, she writes on everything, she climbs on my hutch and gets into the higher drawers, and is just plain and simple higher maintenance these days. Not every day is bad, I don't want to overexaggerate, but it has the potential to be.

--Ted was gone Monday night (Men's group) and Thursday night (golf and dinner at a friend's country club). Having the kids all day and then these two additional nights added to my strain.

--Ben's birthday party was Saturday and Friday was so bad, I got nothing done. This seemed to cap off my stress that now all the housework had to be done on Saturday, the day of the party. I think my crash wouldn't have happened if I didn't have this party to prepare for.

I like to do things in advance. I hate the burden of a bunch of stuff that has to be done in a short time frame. I like to do things gradually. Mainly because I have little ones that take up a lot of my time....and 2 hours at home with the kids can mean (doesn't always mean) maybe 15 minutes of actually accomplishing something. I can't control my time. I can't control what happens one minute to the next. I can't have a quiet moment to myself. Nothing is mine. I've gotten used to most of this just being a mother everyday. You have to get used to it. But Friday, I guess not getting that one little nap from Mary was enough to send me on a downward spiral. My week must have been built on a house of cards without me even realizing it. Were the above contributing factors really enough to wear me down? In and of themselves, I didn't think they were big deals, but collectively they must have chipped at my armor.

It was all a bad enough experience for Ted that he was searching for solutions. This is what he has already vowed to do:

1) He wants to send Ben and Mary to the summer 8 week session of the Mom's Day Out program that Ben is now in. The session starts in July. He figured, instead of waiting for the school year to start this, why not start it as soon as we can? That way, I'll get a much needed break from the kids. I'm still kinda torn about this. Are we overreacting to one stressful and depressing day? Wasn't it mainly caused by the birthday party? If so, that is over now and I don't have another birthday party for 5 months!!! Won't some of my stress be over when summer hits because there will be no more carpooling and I'll have Sam and Abby's help with entertaining the kids? Or am I just being a guilty mom? Should I take advantage of this because then I can take Sam and Abby to the pool on that one free day a week or any other outing that's hard to do with the whole family? Any input is appreciated.

2) He wants to get help from our parents occasionally to sit at home while the kids nap so I can do carpool without waking them. He's already signed his mom up for Tuesday. I feel grateful, but terrible at the same time that she is taking a 25 minute drive to our house just watch my littles during carpool!

I don't know if I should feel blessed and taken care of by my husband or if I should feel bad that he had such a horrible experience with my mood that he is going to great lengths to prevent it from happening again. Maybe it's a combination of the two. I'm told to embrace being a woman. God made me with emotions and we women benefit others with our caring, sensitivity, compassion and conscienciousness. But the lies tell me that I would be better off if I was like my husband. Nothing seems to rattle him. He is as even as a pole. He is so in control of his emotions. There are no bitter words or uncalled for comments. He doesn't say things he doesn't mean in a fit of emotions. He doesn't let little stupid thoughts fill his head until he can't take it anymore and it all comes out.

I want to be the homemaker who easily keeps the house in order and the kids on track. I want to be the one who can throw a party with nary a stress or care. It just happens. I want to be the easy going wife who feels nothing but happiness for her husband when he gets a night out with the guys. I want to have it all together gosh darnit! Or at least make it look as if I do!!! LOL. I think it's with all this wanting and pretending that I feel a certain way...I'm just lying to myself. I want to see the pittfalls before they happen. I want to anticipate them and anticipate how I will feel and then do something about it. "Honey, you know those two night that you are gone. Those two 34 hour periods really build up a need in me for a break from the kids. Can I have some free time somewhere in there because I know I will hit a brick wall if I don't get it. Especially since this party is coming up Saturday." Wow. That's all I need to do. Look at the week and anticipate my emotions. Know myself. The problem with this is, realistically, I may never be able to predict this stuff. Life is too busy to "anticipate". I'm a positive person, I think it is all doable. My husband sees the pittfalls and I see the posibilities....until I crash, then it's all negative for a good two hours.

Saturday turned out fine. I was fine the whole day because I was actually being productive and I wasn't worrying about what I could get done, I was just doing it. I was relaxed and happy at the party. All sad feelings gone. Go figure. I can't figure it out. I'm back to my "I can do it" mentality. I guess it's a natural ebb and flow. Life. Life with little kids.

Hmmmm...Let's look at this week: Monday night: Women's Group, Tuesday night: Sam has a Den meeting, Wednesday night: Mother/Daughter dinner with Girl Scouts, Thursday night: Abby's Softball practice, Friday night: Abby's Softball game, Saturday--Ted is helping his Dad move some things in the garage, Saturday night is free and Sunday is Mother's Day with two family get togethers and it's all free time for me!!!! Yah right. Despite the busy week, I don't feel overwhelmed by it. I guess it's because these things don't feel stressful to me. In fact, some of them are fun for me. We'll see how it goes....