A Trunk Wanting to Be a Branch

In the past 3 years, I have been either pregnant or nursing. It's consuming, sacrificing and tiring. But it's two of the most awesome gifts in which a woman has a chance to take part. In the midst of this sacrifice for my children, I have temporarily lost a bit of myself. It's a necessary part of the whole process and it's SO worth it. But it can be difficult also. Any woman who absolutely loves the early, very dependent stages, has to feel sad as they become independent. I think the early stages are precious and fleeting, but I am usually a happier person when they are over. As much as I love holding a baby and marveling at them, the real life fact is that they are a lot of work.

I feel like I have been working in the trenches with little contact with the outside world. It's like being the trunk of a tree. You know you are extremely vital to the branches, but eventually you really just want to branch out! This is my personality! I am a branch! Now, I know people who can be a trunk and a branch at the same time. They take care of their babies, but don't let it slow them down. I'll talk about them later. The point is, I can't do that. When I have a young baby or a high maintenance toddler, many things fall behind. It takes all my energy and focus. Now, I'm not trying to portray an extreme picture. I still have the occasional girls night out, or date night, but my focus is worried about the little ones. Are they going to be OK with the babysitter? What if they can't communicate what they need? Etc. And the effort it takes to be a branch is sometimes too much effort so I stick to the trunk. In order to volunteer at school, it would be a weight on my shoulders to figure out who would watch the kids, would they take a nap there? or do I try to get home before the nap? I worry about too many things. So I just stick with safe route when they are young. My motto is: Don't commit to too much so I don't have to stress on how I'm going to get it done. Not realizing it, I end up stifling myself. And I can become bitter. I love to think of myself as one who loves kids and being a stay at home mom, so I hate to even admit this side of myself. But there it is. I love my babies, with all my heart! But with them, comes this huge burden I take on myself.

Lately, I have been blessed with some things that have opened up my world more.
1. Went on Zoloft--While I hate to admit this had a huge influence, it did. It took me off the downward spiral.
2. Mary weaned--Most of my freedom from this really came when she started getting most of what she needed from solids. But still, overnight get aways are impossible with a nursing baby.
3. My parents moved closer-- They now live 10 minutes away! This is much more convenient for babysitting when I am at school functions.
4. The kids are just plain getting older-- With every month, a little bit of maturity sneaks in when I'm not even looking.
5. Mary and Ben are better able to entertain themselves and don't have as many episodes of utter clinginess. They entertain each other.
6. Sam and Abby are back in school--I always underestimate how much attention they need. I think of them as the "older, easy ones". But they do have needs. And when they are at school, I can focus that much easier on other things.
7. Abby has a full day of school this year. No mid morning pick up! This is HUGE! I have one carpool and drive 3 days a week now as opposed to 2 carpools driving 5 days a week.

Because of the above, I have gradually let my branches reach to places I have avoided until now.
1. Ben is now enrolled in a Mother's Day Out program. The first day was yesterday. He cried all morning until they went outside. It will get better, I've been assured. I can use this day for Dr. appts, luncheons, etc. I still have Mary, but if necessary, I could leave her with my Mom.
2. I am going on retreat next weekend. The last two retreats, I brought a baby. It was NOT a retreat.
3. I'm focusing on Abby and Sam more. I have decided to enroll them in Scouts. Abby asked to join last year, so she is more than ready... and Sam is not a huge team sport person, so this will be good for him. I think I can handle this commitment of about 3 meetings a month.
4. I have signed up to play indoor soccer with school moms. This session is for 8 weeks on Tuesday nights. I used to play in highschool and college. It will be great bonding with other moms. They usually go somewhere for a drink afterwards ( I could use this!) OK..remember when I said some moms don't let babies hold them back? Well there's a lady on the team who just had her 6th baby and is playing with us! She nurses on the bench! The refs think she's crazy! LOL.
5. Now that Mary has weaned, I can do crop weekends again to catch up on my scrapbooks. This is the ONLY way for me! I have one scheduled in November. YAH!!. I am also cropping Saturdays, about once every 6 weeks at my mom and dad's.
6. Helping Others--I have neighbors down the street who I have known since college. She has a malignant brain tumor. I've never felt much help to her besides a meal here and there. I prayed that God would show me how I can help her. When Mary was first born, my life was crazy, but I knew God would show me what I could do. Sometimes, we're only thinking of the big ways when He shows us the small ways. I got her son, Alex, on with Sam's Cub Scout den so that I can help by taking him to pack and den meetings, buying the uniform, ironing on the badges, etc. Just taking care of all the details for them. Her son is like Sam, not really into sports. So they felt scouts was an important activity for him to do. It feels so good to feel like I can do something!

Gradually, I am branching out. I don't want to rush it because I know I am still committed to taking care of my kids at home. But it sure feels good!

Thank you, God, for knowing my needs and the right timing better than I ever could.