Do You Wish They Were Smaller Again?

Lately, I've been hearing my peers with older children say they wish their kids were smaller again. As I explain to my CRHP group the trials and tribulations of Ben and Mary, they look over my shoulder at a picture of Mary and say, "But look how cute she is!" What? did you hear what I just said? I started to think about what they were saying. Even my mom was on that bandwagon. She agreed with them. She'd love to relive some of those days with little kids. Well yah. Who wouldn't want a day or two? I wouldn't mind going back to a day or two with Sam and Abby because there is so much I have forgotten. I'd like to see if Sam really acts like Ben like my memory recalls. Was Abby as difficult as Mary is? I don't really remember.

There is good that comes with every stage in life...as well as a bad counterpart. When they are little, they are needy, dependent, emotional and you can often feel tied down. However, there littleness is what allows them to fit just so on your lap. And taking care of their needs means you are in constant contact with them. That's a closeness that you'll never quite have again. I shower Ben and Mary with kisses and tell them I love them. While I give Sam and Abby pecks and hugs...I could not get away with a huge shower of kisses. Little bodies are just cute. They beckon to be held and hugged. As they get older, their feet get uglier, they become less needy and they are off doing their own thing (I know that feet part doesn't fit here...but it really is something I've noticed).

What I love about my older children is also what makes me miss them...their independence. I love the way they are discovering themselves, what makes them happy, what kind of friends they like to hang out with, what talents God gave them to grow. I love that they can brush their own teeth, get dressed on their own and bathe themselves. But would I like to see them again at three and five? Yup. Would I like to snuggle up with them again? In a heartbeat. Do I miss the days of being stressed with Sam's fears and roller coaster emotions? No. Do I miss Abby coming screaming into the door because the neighbor girl only wanted to play with Sam? No. But I wouldn't mind reliving the day I came home with them from the hospital, or those early nursing days when I was their only source of food, or those cute conversations that remind you of their innocence. I wouldn't mind watching all those traits I saw when they were little and be able to connect them with who they are now. I wouldn't mind going back to those days when Sam let me kiss him. When did he stop liking that?

I guess the distance we feel with our kids as they get older, is necessary to create the void that will create the hunger for God. As parents of young children, we fill the void. When they are older, God fills it...as well as their spouse. No, I can't snuggle in bed with Sam anymore. But the craving for that affection, that feels awkward with me, will be satisfied again when he has a wife. And rightly so. And Abby may feel funny if I shower her with kisses, but it will feel great to be showered with attention from her husband. It's a letting go that is necessary and right. It's a reminder that they are not "ours" and never were.

So, I suppose...Mary can be cute and Ben can be lovable. I can still relish in that before it's too late.

Something About Mary (and Ben!)

My Thanksgiving weekend started off great. Thursday and Friday were relaxing and fun, but by Saturday, I started to drag. Sunday became worse. I think Saturday I was fighting a bug, but on top of it, I was tired of dealing with Mary. Mary is my constant companion, wanting to be held or at least be near me most of the time. I think because of everyone being home, she felt the need stronger than usual. She had more competition and I was more distracted. There are many habits that she has that I've learned to live with. I don't love them, but I try to excuse them because of her age.
Yesterday at church, was trying for me and Ted. We took the whole family to the 8:45am mass. Ben was really tired and he started crying right away (about something I can't even remember). Ted took him out until he settled down. When he came back, Ben just laid on the pew the rest of mass. Mary got mad anytime anyone sat on her toys we brought for her. She was picking her nose and eating her buggers (sp?) constantly. She was NOT whispering anything she said. When corrected she would get mad and say something louder to me.

At one point, Mary asked for a diaper, which meant she needed to poop. I took her out and asked her if she needed to go potty. She said yes. So I took her potty and brought her back in. I noticed she didn't pee much. Back at the pew, she asked for a diaper again. I should have put that diaper on while we were out! I thought she just needed to pee and wasn't sure how to do that at church. No. She needed that diaper. I was NOT going to take her out again. We had gotten up too many times already. It was like there was a revolving door on our pew. And to top it off, we were sandwiched in by Eucharistic ministers who needed to be on the ends. I embarrassed Ted by having her stand up and pull down her pants enough to put a diaper on between her and her underwear. Mary doesn't like it when I do that, but it sure is handy to not have to take off pants, underwear and shoes. She spoke loudly, "Mommy, I don't want my underpants on!!" I quieted her and told her she needed to let me do it this way.

All of this was frustrating enough, but on top of it I was steaming hot, and there was this high pitched ring that was going through the sound system through out the whole mass. Thank God I read the readings last night, because I didn't hear a word. And I'm sure the people behind us could barely get anything out of mass also, with all of the distraction we created.

The rest of the day, Mary was crabby and demanding. She doesn't nap anymore unless we are in a car ride somewhere. I was exhausted. I had had enough. Around 2:45pm, I begged for a nap and crashed into my peace and solitude. After my nap, it took a while for me to "wake up". Ted decided to get the tree up and the kids decorated it while I wrapped presents. It was the best part of the day. But the pain from all that happened earlier, still lingered. Ted was supposed to go to the hockey game and passed because of our difficulties of the day and my tiredness. I felt bad about that.

Last night, I prayed that God would show me how to raise Mary. Is there some discipline I should be doing and I'm not? If so, I want to know! No other person could tell me, because they don't have Mary. But God could tell me if he would just get the words out so I could hear him. This morning, while I was sitting on the toilet, he spoke to me. Our day started off the usual way, with Mary needing to be near me. She climbed into bed with me and woke me up. She followed me to breakfast and wanted the cereal I was eating. She followed me to the bathroom when I started getting stomach cramps (too much info...I know...sorry). When she saw me cringing with cramps, she asked me, "Mommy, do you want to hold my teddy bear?" How sweet she can be! I told her that would be great. As she ran off to get her teddy bear, I thought about how she is constantly aware of my every emotion. She knows when I'm sad and wants to help. She knows that sometimes when I'm sad, I tell her I'm tired, so she won't feel sad for me. She feels my feelings with me. What a gift to have a child so "in tune" to me! And then the words I heard next stopped me in my tracks. I heard as clear as day..."She's going to be amazing."

With those words, it was like a burden fell off of me. They were the most clearly positive words I thought of her in a while. I'm constantly worried about creating monsters in Ben and Mary. We are always putting them in time out to keep them from fighting. They disrupt our meal time and keep us from conversing with Sam and Abby, they keep me busy attending to their many needs. These are the thoughts in my head. Which is why I know that message was from God and not me. It came out of the blue. It was such a different thought then the others I was thinking. And then I thought, "It will take an investment of love to get her to who she is created to be, but she will get there." That thought, which immediately followed the other thought, made my sacrifice of this time have some great purpose. If I have a picture of something beautiful that I am helping to create, it gives me more energy to deal with the struggles in the process. Maybe all the fighting means they will stand up for what they believe in! Maybe Mary's clinginess will show up as an adult daughter who calls on her mom when she is sick and is the one to remember her mom's favorite flower and gives it to her on Mother's Day. Maybe the demands will soften into a leader who has a vision of how things should be. Maybe...maybe...

As I write this, Ben is in time out. Ben wants what Mary has. He couldn't get it, so he messed up what she was playing with. None of this is easy. It feels like a broken record, skipping to play the same parts over again. But it's not forever. God's creating something I will be amazed by. But like the lepers, I feel like he has to peel the scales off me first, so I can get a glimpse of what is possible if I just believe in Him and trust Him. Instead of telling me how to raise them, how to discipline them. He changed my attitude. I'm sure this is not a permanent change. I will constantly need to tell myself how amazing they will be. In the meantime, I need to get Ben out of time out.

More St. Faustina Quotes

I've been reading St. Faustina's Diary almost every night. This is a book I've been picking up and putting down. I'm in the "picking up stage" right now and really just want to finish it. The last time I wrote some quotes from her diary was back in Spring. Ever since I blogged about her, I often get people searching for her quotes and get my blog. In fact, on Google, when you search 'St. Faustina Quotes on Suffering', my entry comes up first!

Anyway, I read some power punch statements from her Diary last night and I want to share them with you...along with some others I've read in the past:

pg 541, St. Faustina said, "I have found that the greatest power is hidden patience. I see that patience always leads to victory, although not immediately; but that victory will become manifest after many years. Patience is linked to meekness."

pg 529, when St. Faustina was complaining to Jesus about her disappointment with people, Jesus said, "My child, make the resolution never to rely on people. Entrust yourself completely to My will saying, 'Not as I want, but according to Your will, O God, let it be done unto me.' "

pg 530, Jesus says,"My child, know that the greatest obstacles to holiness are discouragement and an exaggerated anxiety...sensitiveness and discouragement are the fruits of self-love."

pg 498, St. Faustina says, "I know well that the greater and more beautiful the work is, the more terrible will be the storms that rage against it."

pg 494, Jesus says,"My daughter, that when I come to a human heart in Holy Communion, My hands are full of all kinds of graces which I want to give to the soul. But souls do not even pay any attention to Me; they leave Me to Myself and busy themselves with other things."

pg 419, St. Faustina says,"How can one be pleasing to God when one is inflated with pride and self-love under the pretense of striving for God's glory, while in fact one is seeking one's own glory?"

pg 416, a conversation St. Faustina had with the Devil, "I felt an interior inspiration to command him in the Name of God to confess to me what he was looking for among the sisters. And he confessed, though unwillingly, 'I am looking for idle souls.' When I commanded him again in the Name of God to tell me which souls in religious life he has the easiest access, he said, again unwillingly,'To lazy and idle souls'. I took note of the fact that, at present, there were no such souls in this house. Let the toiling and tired souls rejoice."

pg 408, St Faustina says,"The more a soul humbles itself, the greater the kindness with which the Lord approaches it."

pg 387, St. Faustina says,"The Lord gave me to know how displeased He is with a talkative soul. He said,'I find no rest in such a soul. The constant din tires Me, and in the midst of it the soul cannot discern My voice.' "

pg 372, St. Faustina prays, "Let all my desires, even the holiest, noblest and most beautiful, take always the last place and Your holy will, the very first."

pg 366, St. Faustina says,"Patience, prayer and silence--these are what give strength to the soul"

pg 350, The Lord says,"My daughter, know that you give Me greater glory by a single act of obedience than by long prayers and mortifications."

pg 316, the Lord says, "Speak to Me about everything in a completely simple and human way; by this you will give Me great joy."

pg 298, the Lord says,"I am giving you three ways of exercising mercy toward your neighbor: the first--by deed, the second--by word, the third--by prayer."

pg 293, St. Faustina says, "Faithful submission to the will of God, always and everywhere, in all events and circumstances of life, gives great glory to God. Such submission to the will of God carries more weight with Him than long fasts, mortifications and the most severe penances."

pg 280, St. Faustina says, "Sweeter to me are the torments, sufferings, persecutions and all manner of adversities by divine will than popularity, praise and esteem by my own will."

Later on the same page, "Amid the greatest torments, I fix the gaze of my soul upon Jesus Crucified; I do not expect help from people, but place my trust in God. In His unfathomable mercy lies all my hope."

pg 249, St. Faustina says, "A humble soul does not trust itself, but places all its confidence in God."

She Can Turn On a Dime

I never posted my Halloween pics. I just got around to downloading them from my camera. There are a series of three photos that cracked me up. Let me show them to you:

You may need to go back and scroll through again if you weren't looking at Mary (the angel) in each shot. Go ahead...go look. Ok. See how quickly things change in our house? One minute all is well and the next (I assure you, these shots were all taken with one minute!)...things fall apart. Notice that my kids don't skip a beat (Spiderman, rock star and Anikan Skywalker). They just keep looking and smiling. Of course, I don't know WHAT Ben is looking at in the last picture. Either way, he is unfazed by Mary's cries. The nerd seems to be distracted by it, so is the Doctor, the chef stops smiling...but not my kids. Nope, we do anything for a picture. We are with the neighbor kids in their backyard.

Here's a shot before they went out to Trick Or Treat. Last year Ben wouldn't wear a costume. This year, he proudly wore Spiderman (and didn't want to take it off!). Maybe we'll see the same strides in maturity with Mary this time next year.

It's been rough with her lately, but we'll get through it. She needs a lot of attention and control. I give her as much as I can, but sometimes it just drains me. Last night I went to bed at 7pm. My sinuses were bothering me and she didn't want to leave my side. Bed was a great escape. Today is a new day. It started off rough again, but now feels manageable. If I'm blogging, it's a good sign.

I Love Yardwork

I just got finished raking some leaves and mowing the lawn. Soon it will be time to pick up the kids from school, but I thought I would write a little before going.

I love yard work. I really do. I love being outside and accomplishing something at the same time. Let me tell you...it's not always easy sharing this stuff with Mary. I dropped Ben off at school and felt it was the perfect day to finish up the leaf pick up and mow the lawn. Mary did not fall asleep on the way home (which she rarely does anyway) so I knew I would be sharing this with her. Raking with Mary is like raking in a gailstorm. She wants the rake when I have the rake, and she wants my handy dandy, huge claws when I'm trying to use the handy dandy huge claws. I try to use as much patience as possible, but I often see my desire to accomplish go out the window. I got her to share the claws with me today. Although, they are not as effective one at a time, it was still better than no claws. When Mary has the claws, she gets about six leaves at a time. And when she rakes, she ruins my big pile and spreads them all over the place. Sometimes I laugh at the irony of it all, because it's just not that important to do anything but that! THEN, she has to go to the bathroom...which means dropping everything to come inside and attend to her needs. After get her fully redressed, we are ready to tackle the yard again.

In the end, I got it all done and even had time to blog. Which just goes to show, it's not worth getting frustrated with Mary if we can both end up being happy with the outcome and the process, too.

I've really been enjoying this awesome fall weather. It's going to be hard for me to be banished to the indoors when it freezes up again. However, there is something comforting about having shelter in a snow storm. I love looking out the windows at the bitter cold, knowing that I am safe and warm. Time to pick up the kids! I hate being late.

A Snapshot

This weekend I wanted to write a blog. In order to do that, I reasoned, I would need to download pictures from my camera of what we did this weekend. And then before I downloaded pictures, I would need to clear out the pictures that have already been printed so I wouldn't get confused. Before I organized the pictures, I would need to feed the kids, clean the house, do the laundry and wash the dishes. I didn't get the blog done.

Today I'm writing a blog with no pictures. I thought I would do a snapshot since it's been awhile.

What's at the top of my to-do list?
--I really need to some Christmas shopping. I usually have more done by now.
--Scheduled the kids' dental appointments
--Prepare for my all day crop on Sunday
--Print labels for Christmas Cards
--PTO--We have four major fundraising events in within two weeks: Book Fair, Breakfast with Santa, Eighth Grade Play and Classy Baskets (which are raffled at the Eighth Grade Play). It kind of freaked me out when I thought of it all last night. These are within the first and second week in December. I will be busy.

What have I accomplished?
--The past couple of weekends we've done a ton of yard work...between raking, blowing, and bagging leaves, to cutting down FIVE dead to dying trees and planting three in their place. We both have sore backs and arms. The leaves aren't over either. Our Bradford Pears will unleash the fury on us eventually.
--This seems silly to list after yard work, but I have managed to develop a do-able prayer schedule for myself that helps to remind myself that God is present in everything that I do. I have linked to prayer to simple every day things that I do...just because I am very easily distracted when it comes to prayer. Rosaries are very hard for me to do...so I stick to simple stuff. There are prayers I say when I get up and another set when I shower. I even do Mary's Fiat when I make my bed. I also have a petition/intercession list that I lift up every night as well as recognize what I am thankful for. This, along with reading and reflecting on the mass readings for the day, makes my prayer life feel more complete. Some days are better than others...but I think it's working out great! My motto is from Mother Teresa...God isn't calling me to be successful, only faithful. I know I already blogged about this...but it has to be a part of my Snapshot or it wouldn't be a true snapshot.

What is bugging me?
--Ben and Mary fighting. I let my full frustration out on Ben today which put him in a state of shock. I'm not a yeller, but I was fed up with his relentless teasing with Mary. I grew up with a lot of teasing and so I don't tolerate it well. Poor Ben. He told me I hurt his ears. He was perfect the rest of the day. Does this mean I should yell more? No. It wasn't something I wanted to do...it just came out of me. It sure packs a power punch when you don't do it much. And trust me, by this time I had tried everything (time out, taking away privileges, and nothing worked!). I know I haven't seen the end of their fighting, but I started looking forward to having him at school....which I felt horrible about...but she's much better behaved when he's not around!
--This high-maintenance potty training time! When we were at our last stop for tree shopping, I was on limited time. We took two cars so that I would be ready to leave to pick up Sam from Scouts. We had 10 minutes before I had to go and we were just getting out of the car when Ben tells me he has to poop. Mary wanted to come with me, so I take both of them on my trek to the potty. I wanted to do this as quickly as possible so I could shop for trees. Ben insisted on stripping to nothing because he doesn't like to poop with his pants on and taking off the pants involves taking off the shoes. He doesn't like his shirt hanging too low, so we had to take that off too! Poops never come quickly. After that was done, wiped and dressed....Mary tells me she needs to go. Better now than later. She insists on taking her clothes off too, but agreed to keep her shirt on. Sigh. Off come the shoes, pants, socks (I don't know why!). When all was said and done, I only had about five minutes to shop. I threw out my ideas to Ted before whisking away to pick up Sam. Sometimes I feel like many of our decisions are made in a rush. But it all turned out fine.

What's been making me happy?
--The accomplishments in our yard
--Fall birthday celebrations are done
--The great weather!!
--My new efforts to pray regularly
--Getting ready for the holidays
--Sam's piano playing. It is so gratifying to hear him spontaneously pop on the piano to practice some songs. I always thought it would be something I would have to make him practice. I don't. It's music to my ears.
--A successful family outing! We took the four kids to see the Bee Movie! No one needed to be taken out for being too loud, there were no fits, no major spills and they watched the whole movie! I remember passed movies when Ted and I took turns with one of the kids in the lobby! It felt like a major accomplishment, even though it set us back $65!!
--A happy, full family mass experience this past Sunday. No one needed to be taken out for being to loud, there were no fits and they stayed good through the whole mass! Whew. I think we are getting somewhere. Now if I could only stop the fighting...

Being Catholic and Renewing My Prayer Life

One thing I love about being Catholic, is the rich history, the lives of the Saints, the volumes of their writings that guide us on how to live, the memorized prayers, ...that even if you fall away, come rushing back to your tongue the minute you start praying them again, and the beauty and power of the Sacraments.

I can't say I always had this appreciation. I never had a desire to leave the Catholic Church, but I often wished we were more filled with the Holy Spirit and had more "vigor" in our masses. I felt that our masses were stale and expressionless. I thought a bunch of old men ran it and made up rules that were difficult for us. It seemed that the Catholic Church needed to change with the times and it seemed outdated. I don't feel that way anymore. I'm feeling the Holy Spirit moving quite profoundly in our church! I know now that the beauty of the Church is that it hasn't changed! It stands firmly rooted on the original Truths and guidelines of the early church! I'm so grateful for the Church now, more than ever.

It's been a sneaky, slow process with me. I didn't realize it was happening, but I'd have to say it started when I began to read from the lives of the Saints (and future saints)...Terese of Lisieux, JPII, Mother Teresa, Anne Catherine Emmerich. They have all had a role in reshaping my view of the church. I no longer think that the "old men running the church" are just making up rules. I really believe that they are divinely guided and have adhered to the Church doctrine.

The Catholic Church has never been perfect and it never will be...but neither am I. The Church is my home. It raised me on Catholic schooling. The songs, the prayers and the whole mass and forever imprinted on my brain. I used to think of memorized prayers as brainless. That we do them without thinking and it's not really praying. I preferred spontaneous prayer. Now I incorporate the rote prayers into my day because I'm having a renewed appreciation for them. I DO have to be VERY careful to not just recite them without thinking. But they are beautifully written and guide us on how to pray. And since they are memorized, I can pray them anywhere, at any time.

The book, A Mother's Rule of Life has helped my prayer life immensely! I'm no longer making my children my excuse for not having a good prayer life. I've got times of prayer written into my daily schedule. I always thought I should have one big block of time to pray, and that seemed unreachable. But now I've realized that small blocks throughout the day are more doable and maybe even more desirable....especially for my life right now. It is keeping me focused on God through out the day and it's helping me to make everything a prayer.

When I made up my prayer schedule, I consulted the catechism. Holly Pierlot (the author of A Mother's Rule of Life) does not even begin to tell you what your prayer schedule should be or how it should be composed. In reading the Catechism, I found the many forms of prayer: Blessing and adoration, petition (asking forgiveness, the coming of God's Kingdom, our needs), intercession (praying for others), thanksgiving and praise. I realized the Our Father has all of this in one prayer! So I decided to say that daily. I felt that the Our Father should be followed by the Hail Mary and Glory Be. After that it felt natural to say the O My Jesus prayer. This takes one minute to say all four. I thought, "I can do that!". I do this in the shower.

Morning Offering-- Then I thought I should start doing a morning offering. This is what you pray when you first get out of bed to offer your day to God. This can be in your own words, but I decided to use the St. Ignatius prayer because I have it memorized as a song: Take, O Lord, and receive my entire liberty, my memory, my understanding, and my whole will. All that I am and all that I possess, You have given me: I surrender it all to You to be disposed of according to Your will. Give me only Your love and Your grace; with these I will be rich enough, and will desire nothing more." This prayer feels more natural to me than the official Morning Offering.

Mass Readings and Reflection-- I also felt that it was important to read scripture daily. I'm bad at just reading the Bible in order. I decided the mass readings are the perfect way for me to get the scripture in small peices. I use "One Bread, One Body" to reflect on the readings. I have the reflections e-mailed to me daily. You can do this by signing up at http://www.presentationministries.com/obob/obob.asp . I try to do this in the morning. Sometimes I will write in my "prayer journal" the message from the reading or a challenge for myself.

Thanksgiving, Petitions and Intercessions--This is my night time prayer. I write down in my "Thank you, God" journal, what I am grateful for with my day. Then I follow up with my petitions and interecessions. These are all written in my binder so I don't forget someone I should be praying for.

This completes my prayer schedule. I've been doing it for about two weeks now. One thing I constantly remind myself...something Mother Teresa said, "God does not ask us to be successful, only faithful". This is my motto for my prayer time. If I forget to pray, I don't berate myself, I just keep trying to do better. I keep practicing it so it becomes more of a habit. I kept saying before that I was a spontaneous prayer and not a scheduled person. I don't like to get up early for anything! These were excuses. I was relying on spontaneity to guide me into prayer, but sometimes you need to pray even when the "spirit" isn't there. It's something we should do to take care of our souls, just like food is nutrition for our bodies. I know this now and I'm committed. This schedule fits my lifestyle. Each peice takes 1o minutes or less! There is no reason I can't do this!

Another important facet of praying is to offer everything up to God while you are doing it, then you make your day a prayer! Holly Pierlot reminded me of this in her book. I love what she said: "I folded the clothes 'just so' for love of Jesus. I washed the table as if Jesus were coming to supper. I hugged my children as if they were Jesus himself". I love that! Mother Teresa was always saying she saw Jesus in every poor person she served...why not do this with our very own family! She gave concrete examples for me to follow. I try to do this. I even do it in exasperation sometimes, "Jesus, I do this for you!" as I take off Mary's clothes to go potty (she has to have everything off) after I had just got her ready to head out the door! Sometimes I feel silly offering up things like this when the saints offered up so much more, but I truly believe God wants everything done for him, with love...especially the little things.

I'm sorry I've been a bad blogger lately. This is what I've been busy with! You have to buy this book. Even if it's for the prayer section alone! It changed me and showed me how a busy mom can find time to pray....and even HAS to.