I Can Breathe

A couple of mornings ago I had one of those morning dreams that you wake up after and remember everything. I dreamt that I was going underwater and I had no control. It was like a force was sweeping me under. I remember panicking and wondering if I would make it...if I would be able to hold my breath long enough. When I got under water, I took a breath and it was air. I could breath under water! I feel like life is like that sometimes...especially for me lately...I panic about something that is about to happen and fear the worst, but when I actually go through it, I realize I'm still surviving. God is my breath under the water. He sustains me.

It's been a hard summer for me so far. It's a combination of a lot of things. All I know is, I'm sick of feeling sorry for myself. I'm sick of comparing myself to others. I'm sick of throwing pity parties. I just want to accept where I am right now. There's only so much you can do when you are limited to what the little ones can do. You've got nap times, fits and tantrums to work around. It's a hard job. It's my own positive attitude that kicks me in the butt sometimes. Does that make sense? Like I expect things to get better around every corner and then I'm only disappointed. I want to be happy. I don't want my happiness to be contigent on the moods of my kids. I just want to be content. It's a decision that I'm trying to make. Right now. A decision to be happy. I want to appreciate what I have instead of pining for what I don't. I'm really sick of being around my mopey, woe is me, self. It's about time. I'm hoping things start shaping up around here. June has been hard. I want July to be better. I'm surrounded by good things, but my blinders are only allowing me to see the bad. Yuck. I've been here before and I don't like it.

Today is the first day in a while that I've gotten a chance to get on the computer. I've composed many blogs in my head, but it's not as much fun as writing them. It's a good release. I allow myself to write about my trials on this blog, but I'm not a complainer in person. I'm really quite impatient with complainers. To me, if you have something you don't like, you change it. Either you change the situation if you can control it, or you change yourself. I hate wallowing in discontent. So you can see how hard this is just to be around myself right now. I also believe in total honesty. I dislike masks. I share my real self. So this creates quite the conflict in me. Who the heck wants to listen to me complain??? But I have to be real! See the conflict?

Anyway, last night, Ted and I had a talk. I told him about my impatience with myself. I bounce back from bad incidents pretty quickly. When I'm in a long term difficult situation, I'm not that good. You can bounce back only so many times til you get frustrated. Sometimes, you have to stay in the difficult situation and learn to live with it as happily as you can. I look at the Jews who were in concentration camps. How did they do it?? That is long term difficulty and suffering with no way of knowing what was coming next and how long they would be there. I often wonder how I would hold up in a situation like that. Seeing how I'm dealing with difficulties at home makes me think I'd pretty much be a basket case. My situation is not even close to a concentration camp. Sometimes all the screaming and crying and demands make me think I'm in one. Ok...not really. Not even close. Since people say love is a decision, don't you think happiness should be a decision too?

These are my goals:
1) Accept that I cannot control my kids.
2) Accept that an outing can be canceled at any moment based on how things are going
3) Accept that this is a time in my life when it is more difficult to do things as a family...do more of what we can do and get over the pity.
4) Understand that it will not always be this way, it will get better.
5) Allow myself to feel the frustrations of the moment, but not to pitch a tent in it and camp there.
6) Pray daily
7) Bitterness only eats away at me, it has no place in my heart. Reject it immediately.
8) Count my blessings...there are SO many.
9) Give my problems to God. Have faith that He is taking care of me.
10) Take a break, do something selfish, have a drink...whenever possible.

Last night, during my CRHP meeting, we were going around sharing our Good News. I told them we are getting our basement finished. I told them that Ted and I are planning a trip to Jamaica next year (did I say that before?), and I told them that neither of these things are making me happy. They were quiet. It's hard to be honest sometimes. I sound selfish. I then told them about my dream, and that, under water, God gave me the ability to breathe. And THAT is good news.