Energy in the Right Places

I'm sneaking this last post in before leaving for camping. I was reading from my Magnificat today and caught upon this:

"The Holy Spirit deals with those that seek him and fear God, withdrawing to a distance and leaving them to themselves until he knows whether they will seek him or not. There are some people who after he has abandoned them and gone away sit down overwhelmed by disgust, and remain immovably fixed in it. They do not pray to God, asking him to remove the disgust from them and cause the joy and sweetness they knew earlier to return, but through carelessness and self-will they become strangers to God's sweetness. Their eyes are blinded and they fail to understand what God is doing.

If, however, they become aware of this disgust, so unaccustomed and alien to their former joy, they ought to pray to God with tears and fasting. Then he of his graciousness, seeing their heartfelt sincerity and knowing that they are praying to him with all their hearts and entirely renouncing their own will, would give them joy greater than they had before and making them even stronger. This is a sign of God's work in any soul that seeks him."

Whew! That was written by Blessed Ammonas the Hermit, a bishop, in 396. I just feel like what he described, happens to me all the time. And especially it happened to me recently. Like when he talked about the people who go away and sit in their disgust and remain immovably fixed in it. Was I not just talking about pitching the tent?? It seems when God is speaking to me, he screams it from everywhere. I just keep seeing things that are ringing true. Why does it take me so long to ask God for help? At least I know that I eventually do, and because of this, I will grow stronger. I want to know that joy that is "greater than they had before". I'm ready.

I've realized, or I guess I have been reminded, that self-pity requires energy. All that energy was going into negative places. Instead of focusing on what I can do with the kids, I was focusing on what I can't do with them. My energy went into convincing people that I have a legitimate reason to complain...that I have it rough. This robbed me of using my energy in a better way. It all went into feeding the bad fruit...not the good fruit. All of my thoughts contributed to what I believed to be true. It just more firmly planted me in that garden of despair. With my new motivation, I see myself already directing my energies to what I can do and what I do have...what I already have within my grasp.

This is no magic cure. I'm sure I will come to this place again...the place of self pity and frustration. When I do, I hope I read these last few blogs to know that I can come out of it...and it will be better.