I'm sneaking this last post in before leaving for camping. I was reading from my Magnificat today and caught upon this:
"The Holy Spirit deals with those that seek him and fear God, withdrawing to a distance and leaving them to themselves until he knows whether they will seek him or not. There are some people who after he has abandoned them and gone away sit down overwhelmed by disgust, and remain immovably fixed in it. They do not pray to God, asking him to remove the disgust from them and cause the joy and sweetness they knew earlier to return, but through carelessness and self-will they become strangers to God's sweetness. Their eyes are blinded and they fail to understand what God is doing.
If, however, they become aware of this disgust, so unaccustomed and alien to their former joy, they ought to pray to God with tears and fasting. Then he of his graciousness, seeing their heartfelt sincerity and knowing that they are praying to him with all their hearts and entirely renouncing their own will, would give them joy greater than they had before and making them even stronger. This is a sign of God's work in any soul that seeks him."
Whew! That was written by Blessed Ammonas the Hermit, a bishop, in 396. I just feel like what he described, happens to me all the time. And especially it happened to me recently. Like when he talked about the people who go away and sit in their disgust and remain immovably fixed in it. Was I not just talking about pitching the tent?? It seems when God is speaking to me, he screams it from everywhere. I just keep seeing things that are ringing true. Why does it take me so long to ask God for help? At least I know that I eventually do, and because of this, I will grow stronger. I want to know that joy that is "greater than they had before". I'm ready.
I've realized, or I guess I have been reminded, that self-pity requires energy. All that energy was going into negative places. Instead of focusing on what I can do with the kids, I was focusing on what I can't do with them. My energy went into convincing people that I have a legitimate reason to complain...that I have it rough. This robbed me of using my energy in a better way. It all went into feeding the bad fruit...not the good fruit. All of my thoughts contributed to what I believed to be true. It just more firmly planted me in that garden of despair. With my new motivation, I see myself already directing my energies to what I can do and what I do have...what I already have within my grasp.
This is no magic cure. I'm sure I will come to this place again...the place of self pity and frustration. When I do, I hope I read these last few blogs to know that I can come out of it...and it will be better.
Wednesday, June 28, 2006
Monday, June 26, 2006
Rabbi Shmuley said It Too!!
Wow. I'm convicted. In my previous post, I mentioned that I felt that my happiness is a decision. I need to stop saying that I'll be happy when this child is less clingy, or that child is past the terrible twos. I just need to choose to be happy and not let their moods spoil my day. Well, I was watching Oprah later this afternoon and a man named Rabbi Shmuley was on. He was helping troubled families. First of all, watching these families made me realize how much our family has. We all get along really well. We respect each other. We genuinely like each other. But anyway, he was talking to a grieving mother of two who lost her husband 6 years ago and still has not let go. She basically wallows in it. He said:
"We can't control when death visits us, when tragedy visits us—but we can control whether or not we invite it in to remain as a permanent fixture in our homes."He says that Carolyn, in order to overcome her grief, must learn that happiness is a choice. "We're all waiting for something to happen outside to bring us happiness. If I win the lottery, you know, I'll be happy, or that big promotion I'm waiting for. … We all think that in life there's action and reaction. There isn't—there's action, choice, reaction."
I felt like he was just reiterating what I was saying in my last post, but it's not about death. I honestly can't control how my toddlers will behave for the day, but I can control whether I'm going to pitch the tent and camp in self pity or refuse to let it affect me so much. Happiness IS a choice!! I can't WAIT for my kids to get older in order for me to happy...I might just find something else to complain about. I really need accept where I am now and be happy NOW.
We'll be leaving for a camping trip this Wednesday. I won't be back til Sunday. Where we are going, there are a lot of rocks (it's a spring fed river). Ben should be very happy. I'll let you know how it goes....
"We can't control when death visits us, when tragedy visits us—but we can control whether or not we invite it in to remain as a permanent fixture in our homes."He says that Carolyn, in order to overcome her grief, must learn that happiness is a choice. "We're all waiting for something to happen outside to bring us happiness. If I win the lottery, you know, I'll be happy, or that big promotion I'm waiting for. … We all think that in life there's action and reaction. There isn't—there's action, choice, reaction."
I felt like he was just reiterating what I was saying in my last post, but it's not about death. I honestly can't control how my toddlers will behave for the day, but I can control whether I'm going to pitch the tent and camp in self pity or refuse to let it affect me so much. Happiness IS a choice!! I can't WAIT for my kids to get older in order for me to happy...I might just find something else to complain about. I really need accept where I am now and be happy NOW.
We'll be leaving for a camping trip this Wednesday. I won't be back til Sunday. Where we are going, there are a lot of rocks (it's a spring fed river). Ben should be very happy. I'll let you know how it goes....
I Can Breathe
A couple of mornings ago I had one of those morning dreams that you wake up after and remember everything. I dreamt that I was going underwater and I had no control. It was like a force was sweeping me under. I remember panicking and wondering if I would make it...if I would be able to hold my breath long enough. When I got under water, I took a breath and it was air. I could breath under water! I feel like life is like that sometimes...especially for me lately...I panic about something that is about to happen and fear the worst, but when I actually go through it, I realize I'm still surviving. God is my breath under the water. He sustains me.
It's been a hard summer for me so far. It's a combination of a lot of things. All I know is, I'm sick of feeling sorry for myself. I'm sick of comparing myself to others. I'm sick of throwing pity parties. I just want to accept where I am right now. There's only so much you can do when you are limited to what the little ones can do. You've got nap times, fits and tantrums to work around. It's a hard job. It's my own positive attitude that kicks me in the butt sometimes. Does that make sense? Like I expect things to get better around every corner and then I'm only disappointed. I want to be happy. I don't want my happiness to be contigent on the moods of my kids. I just want to be content. It's a decision that I'm trying to make. Right now. A decision to be happy. I want to appreciate what I have instead of pining for what I don't. I'm really sick of being around my mopey, woe is me, self. It's about time. I'm hoping things start shaping up around here. June has been hard. I want July to be better. I'm surrounded by good things, but my blinders are only allowing me to see the bad. Yuck. I've been here before and I don't like it.
Today is the first day in a while that I've gotten a chance to get on the computer. I've composed many blogs in my head, but it's not as much fun as writing them. It's a good release. I allow myself to write about my trials on this blog, but I'm not a complainer in person. I'm really quite impatient with complainers. To me, if you have something you don't like, you change it. Either you change the situation if you can control it, or you change yourself. I hate wallowing in discontent. So you can see how hard this is just to be around myself right now. I also believe in total honesty. I dislike masks. I share my real self. So this creates quite the conflict in me. Who the heck wants to listen to me complain??? But I have to be real! See the conflict?
Anyway, last night, Ted and I had a talk. I told him about my impatience with myself. I bounce back from bad incidents pretty quickly. When I'm in a long term difficult situation, I'm not that good. You can bounce back only so many times til you get frustrated. Sometimes, you have to stay in the difficult situation and learn to live with it as happily as you can. I look at the Jews who were in concentration camps. How did they do it?? That is long term difficulty and suffering with no way of knowing what was coming next and how long they would be there. I often wonder how I would hold up in a situation like that. Seeing how I'm dealing with difficulties at home makes me think I'd pretty much be a basket case. My situation is not even close to a concentration camp. Sometimes all the screaming and crying and demands make me think I'm in one. Ok...not really. Not even close. Since people say love is a decision, don't you think happiness should be a decision too?
These are my goals:
1) Accept that I cannot control my kids.
2) Accept that an outing can be canceled at any moment based on how things are going
3) Accept that this is a time in my life when it is more difficult to do things as a family...do more of what we can do and get over the pity.
4) Understand that it will not always be this way, it will get better.
5) Allow myself to feel the frustrations of the moment, but not to pitch a tent in it and camp there.
6) Pray daily
7) Bitterness only eats away at me, it has no place in my heart. Reject it immediately.
8) Count my blessings...there are SO many.
9) Give my problems to God. Have faith that He is taking care of me.
10) Take a break, do something selfish, have a drink...whenever possible.
Last night, during my CRHP meeting, we were going around sharing our Good News. I told them we are getting our basement finished. I told them that Ted and I are planning a trip to Jamaica next year (did I say that before?), and I told them that neither of these things are making me happy. They were quiet. It's hard to be honest sometimes. I sound selfish. I then told them about my dream, and that, under water, God gave me the ability to breathe. And THAT is good news.
It's been a hard summer for me so far. It's a combination of a lot of things. All I know is, I'm sick of feeling sorry for myself. I'm sick of comparing myself to others. I'm sick of throwing pity parties. I just want to accept where I am right now. There's only so much you can do when you are limited to what the little ones can do. You've got nap times, fits and tantrums to work around. It's a hard job. It's my own positive attitude that kicks me in the butt sometimes. Does that make sense? Like I expect things to get better around every corner and then I'm only disappointed. I want to be happy. I don't want my happiness to be contigent on the moods of my kids. I just want to be content. It's a decision that I'm trying to make. Right now. A decision to be happy. I want to appreciate what I have instead of pining for what I don't. I'm really sick of being around my mopey, woe is me, self. It's about time. I'm hoping things start shaping up around here. June has been hard. I want July to be better. I'm surrounded by good things, but my blinders are only allowing me to see the bad. Yuck. I've been here before and I don't like it.
Today is the first day in a while that I've gotten a chance to get on the computer. I've composed many blogs in my head, but it's not as much fun as writing them. It's a good release. I allow myself to write about my trials on this blog, but I'm not a complainer in person. I'm really quite impatient with complainers. To me, if you have something you don't like, you change it. Either you change the situation if you can control it, or you change yourself. I hate wallowing in discontent. So you can see how hard this is just to be around myself right now. I also believe in total honesty. I dislike masks. I share my real self. So this creates quite the conflict in me. Who the heck wants to listen to me complain??? But I have to be real! See the conflict?
Anyway, last night, Ted and I had a talk. I told him about my impatience with myself. I bounce back from bad incidents pretty quickly. When I'm in a long term difficult situation, I'm not that good. You can bounce back only so many times til you get frustrated. Sometimes, you have to stay in the difficult situation and learn to live with it as happily as you can. I look at the Jews who were in concentration camps. How did they do it?? That is long term difficulty and suffering with no way of knowing what was coming next and how long they would be there. I often wonder how I would hold up in a situation like that. Seeing how I'm dealing with difficulties at home makes me think I'd pretty much be a basket case. My situation is not even close to a concentration camp. Sometimes all the screaming and crying and demands make me think I'm in one. Ok...not really. Not even close. Since people say love is a decision, don't you think happiness should be a decision too?
These are my goals:
1) Accept that I cannot control my kids.
2) Accept that an outing can be canceled at any moment based on how things are going
3) Accept that this is a time in my life when it is more difficult to do things as a family...do more of what we can do and get over the pity.
4) Understand that it will not always be this way, it will get better.
5) Allow myself to feel the frustrations of the moment, but not to pitch a tent in it and camp there.
6) Pray daily
7) Bitterness only eats away at me, it has no place in my heart. Reject it immediately.
8) Count my blessings...there are SO many.
9) Give my problems to God. Have faith that He is taking care of me.
10) Take a break, do something selfish, have a drink...whenever possible.
Last night, during my CRHP meeting, we were going around sharing our Good News. I told them we are getting our basement finished. I told them that Ted and I are planning a trip to Jamaica next year (did I say that before?), and I told them that neither of these things are making me happy. They were quiet. It's hard to be honest sometimes. I sound selfish. I then told them about my dream, and that, under water, God gave me the ability to breathe. And THAT is good news.
Tuesday, June 20, 2006
Flashback Writing Day, Part II
July 6, 1985
Well I worked with Ted today! YAHH!! 7:00 to 3:40. Today I told Jessica (the matchmaker of McDonald's) that I like Ted. Jessica was dying to tell him although I told her not to. But anyway, after work Lisa told me that Ted asked Michelle to go to the VP Fair with him. Michelle is not very cute and kinda has a dud of a personality so I couldn't believe it. But Lisa said that guys as girls like that cause they know they'll say yes. Lisa said that I was a lot cuter than Michelle. But anyway, when Lisa heard that he asked Michelle out...she immediately told Jessica to tell Ted that I liked him. I wonder what he's gonna say. I'm sooooo nervous. I wonder what...oh forget it! I'm gonna read some Danielle Steele. Bye! Update on this matter later!
**note**Lisa is my older sister and she worked at McDonald's over the summer too.
July 14, 1985
Well I've worked with Ted a few times since I've last talked to you (whoever you are). Ted is cuter then ever. Jessica hasn't told Ted from the last that I heard. But she did say she was gonna tell him today. I don't know. But I still like him better than any guy I know. I pray that he likes me. Please God let Ted like me a lot. He has GREAT LEGS!!!!
**note**I'm glad to see my priorities are in order.
July 16, 1985
I worked with Ted today!! I saw him looking at me a few times over the soda heads! WOW!!!
July 19, 1985
I went to McDonald's today to get my paycheck and see my hours. And guess who was working--no you're wrong.....IT WAS TED!! YAAAAAHH. As I was leaving, he must have seen me come in because he looked up to say goodbye and of course I was hesitating as I went toward the door. I smiled and said, "Hi!", and then left. He got his haircut!! He looked so cute. (I had my Jam shorts and Coppertone t-shirt on and looked pretty good. I'm glad he finally got a chance to see me when I looked halfway decent)
July 20, 1985
You are not gonna believe this! Ted knows! He knows! Jessica told him that I like him! Lisa told me she talked to Jessica last night and she said that she told him the last Sunday that she worked! He knew at our softball game! And I didn't know he knew! Jessica said to him, "Guess who likes you."...and Ted said, "Who?"...and Jessica said, "Missy!"...and he said,"Missy?" like he was intrigued. He told Jessica that he was dating somebody from the Page store. So it might take some time, but I'm willing to wait. Jessica said it looked promising because even though he didn't say he liked me or thought I was cute, he didn't say he only liked me for a friend when Jessica told him that I liked him. But I still wonder if he likes me--or how much he likes me. Oh well. Maybe next time I'll be able to tell. But he's not like most guys. He doesn't wear his affections on his face. But at least he talks to me, is nice to me and every now and then looks at me! That's what gives me hope. If he didn't like me he could totally ignore me or be rude. But Ted isn't like that :-).
**note** More exciting chronicles from the Holly Hobby diary coming soon.
Well I worked with Ted today! YAHH!! 7:00 to 3:40. Today I told Jessica (the matchmaker of McDonald's) that I like Ted. Jessica was dying to tell him although I told her not to. But anyway, after work Lisa told me that Ted asked Michelle to go to the VP Fair with him. Michelle is not very cute and kinda has a dud of a personality so I couldn't believe it. But Lisa said that guys as girls like that cause they know they'll say yes. Lisa said that I was a lot cuter than Michelle. But anyway, when Lisa heard that he asked Michelle out...she immediately told Jessica to tell Ted that I liked him. I wonder what he's gonna say. I'm sooooo nervous. I wonder what...oh forget it! I'm gonna read some Danielle Steele. Bye! Update on this matter later!
**note**Lisa is my older sister and she worked at McDonald's over the summer too.
July 14, 1985
Well I've worked with Ted a few times since I've last talked to you (whoever you are). Ted is cuter then ever. Jessica hasn't told Ted from the last that I heard. But she did say she was gonna tell him today. I don't know. But I still like him better than any guy I know. I pray that he likes me. Please God let Ted like me a lot. He has GREAT LEGS!!!!
**note**I'm glad to see my priorities are in order.
July 16, 1985
I worked with Ted today!! I saw him looking at me a few times over the soda heads! WOW!!!
July 19, 1985
I went to McDonald's today to get my paycheck and see my hours. And guess who was working--no you're wrong.....IT WAS TED!! YAAAAAHH. As I was leaving, he must have seen me come in because he looked up to say goodbye and of course I was hesitating as I went toward the door. I smiled and said, "Hi!", and then left. He got his haircut!! He looked so cute. (I had my Jam shorts and Coppertone t-shirt on and looked pretty good. I'm glad he finally got a chance to see me when I looked halfway decent)
July 20, 1985
You are not gonna believe this! Ted knows! He knows! Jessica told him that I like him! Lisa told me she talked to Jessica last night and she said that she told him the last Sunday that she worked! He knew at our softball game! And I didn't know he knew! Jessica said to him, "Guess who likes you."...and Ted said, "Who?"...and Jessica said, "Missy!"...and he said,"Missy?" like he was intrigued. He told Jessica that he was dating somebody from the Page store. So it might take some time, but I'm willing to wait. Jessica said it looked promising because even though he didn't say he liked me or thought I was cute, he didn't say he only liked me for a friend when Jessica told him that I liked him. But I still wonder if he likes me--or how much he likes me. Oh well. Maybe next time I'll be able to tell. But he's not like most guys. He doesn't wear his affections on his face. But at least he talks to me, is nice to me and every now and then looks at me! That's what gives me hope. If he didn't like me he could totally ignore me or be rude. But Ted isn't like that :-).
**note** More exciting chronicles from the Holly Hobby diary coming soon.
Monday, June 19, 2006
Flashback Writing Day
This is the part of the show where I post my old writings. I just found my old Holly Hobby diary while I was cleaning out the basement. I got it Christmas of 1978. Here are some entries:
Jan 24, 1979 (almost 10 years old)
Today we had icecream and pizza and I bought with my own money (school lunch). Grandma Mary came over and brought some cake, as usual, with whip topping on top. Of course she gave us a piece of gum and a dollar. She spent the night on Lisa's bed and Lisa slept on the floor (HA! HA!). I got to sleep in my compfy bed. We had PSR. And my mom and dad forgot us and picked us up late at night.
January 28, 1979
Today Mom wanted us ALL to go to the 12:00 mass (one of her great ideas). It was kinda wild.
**note** 6 kids at mass, ages 14, 13, 9, 8, 3, 5 months.
Oct 12, 1979 (10 1/2 years old)
Earlier today at school somebody told me a kid in my class like me named Sean. Because Laura B. saw the boys pointing to a lunchbox that had the Hulk on it and the Hulk was making muscles. And they said that's how Sean shows off in front of me. And wrote Sean + Missy on the board.
**note**What an ego boaster! boys never liked me until now!
August 15, 1982 (13 years old)
My high score on Ms. Pacman is 35,000. I have finally reached The Chase and the screen after it.
August 1, 1983
Sorry my handwriting is so sloppy, but I'm writing this in the bathroom because it's the only lighted place at midnight....
Well things are going bad again. Mom's being a b____. and I can't hack it anymore. Ever since she's been on her new medicine I can't handle her anymore. She's yelling at me for everything (little) that I do wrong. I just asked her if I can go to the library and she starts screaming at me telling me to fold up the clothes. She says that she and dad do everything for me and when she asks me to do something I won't do it, but I do! I ask Theresa R to come over and she couldn't because of her crutches so her mother asked if I could come over to work since I couldn't go to the library. Well she starts screaming again. Dad said I could go but I'm not going to cause she said she was going to make me work my butt off. I'm like, thanks alot mom. I think she's going through "Time of Year" or whatever you call it...I don't know. I really don't care anymore.
Jan 22, 1983 (Almost 14)
Well hello again don't worry I'm not gonna crab about anything cause everything is going pretty wonderful. I had a really nice Christmas. And the CYC dance was just great. I danced with Tim S. to "Whadda bout me?". I LOVE THAT SONG. I'm so glad that was the song we danced to. I'll never forget it. Spring Musical tryouts have come and gone and I didn't try out. It took a lot of thinking about. I didn't know what I should try out for--Soccer--or Spring Musical. I decided Soccer. Lisa helped me decide.
Me and Theresa are becoming best friends. We plan on going to college together maybe Mizzou and rooming together. I can't wait. I'm gonna start saving now.
Sept 9, 1984
I'm so lonely. I need someone. Theresa has someone. She's always going out with him and she's so happy. I want to be happy. God, I'm a sophomore--shouldn't I have someone by now? Please give me someone...
April 12, 1985
Gosh! Well I practiced driving all week and today I took my driver's test. I flunked because we almost had an accident if he wouldn't have told me to stop. We were at an intersection and I was about to turn on a busy road, not realizing they didn't have a stop sign (I was really nervous). I cried for a long time. Mom took me to McDonald's. I tried to dry my eyes. I was turning in my application. Me and Mom sat down to eat when they told me they could interview me now. I interviewed and got the job!
May 11, 1985
...There's this certain guy I like at work--He's really cute. God, please let something come out of this!! 9 1/2 more days of school!!!!
June 10, 1985
...I kinda have my eye on this guy at work. His name is Ted. Ted's cute!...To Ted, I'm just another Trainee--SO FAR. We'll see what happens. I'll keep you up to date on this.
June 20, 1985
...Today I worked with Ted!!!! WOW!! YAAH!! Guess what! Ted had a lunch break while I was having my meal after being off. We talked!!!! He's really nice! God, please let him like me...I want a boyfriend soooooo bad--Why is it so hard for me to get one? I know it takes time, but I'm becoming impatient. But whatever I do--I'll never pick someone out of desperation! PLEASE GOD, GIVE ME A BOYFRIEND.
**note** If that doesn't sound desperate, I don't know what does.
TO BE CONTINUED....
Jan 24, 1979 (almost 10 years old)
Today we had icecream and pizza and I bought with my own money (school lunch). Grandma Mary came over and brought some cake, as usual, with whip topping on top. Of course she gave us a piece of gum and a dollar. She spent the night on Lisa's bed and Lisa slept on the floor (HA! HA!). I got to sleep in my compfy bed. We had PSR. And my mom and dad forgot us and picked us up late at night.
January 28, 1979
Today Mom wanted us ALL to go to the 12:00 mass (one of her great ideas). It was kinda wild.
**note** 6 kids at mass, ages 14, 13, 9, 8, 3, 5 months.
Oct 12, 1979 (10 1/2 years old)
Earlier today at school somebody told me a kid in my class like me named Sean. Because Laura B. saw the boys pointing to a lunchbox that had the Hulk on it and the Hulk was making muscles. And they said that's how Sean shows off in front of me. And wrote Sean + Missy on the board.
**note**What an ego boaster! boys never liked me until now!
August 15, 1982 (13 years old)
My high score on Ms. Pacman is 35,000. I have finally reached The Chase and the screen after it.
August 1, 1983
Sorry my handwriting is so sloppy, but I'm writing this in the bathroom because it's the only lighted place at midnight....
Well things are going bad again. Mom's being a b____. and I can't hack it anymore. Ever since she's been on her new medicine I can't handle her anymore. She's yelling at me for everything (little) that I do wrong. I just asked her if I can go to the library and she starts screaming at me telling me to fold up the clothes. She says that she and dad do everything for me and when she asks me to do something I won't do it, but I do! I ask Theresa R to come over and she couldn't because of her crutches so her mother asked if I could come over to work since I couldn't go to the library. Well she starts screaming again. Dad said I could go but I'm not going to cause she said she was going to make me work my butt off. I'm like, thanks alot mom. I think she's going through "Time of Year" or whatever you call it...I don't know. I really don't care anymore.
Jan 22, 1983 (Almost 14)
Well hello again don't worry I'm not gonna crab about anything cause everything is going pretty wonderful. I had a really nice Christmas. And the CYC dance was just great. I danced with Tim S. to "Whadda bout me?". I LOVE THAT SONG. I'm so glad that was the song we danced to. I'll never forget it. Spring Musical tryouts have come and gone and I didn't try out. It took a lot of thinking about. I didn't know what I should try out for--Soccer--or Spring Musical. I decided Soccer. Lisa helped me decide.
Me and Theresa are becoming best friends. We plan on going to college together maybe Mizzou and rooming together. I can't wait. I'm gonna start saving now.
Sept 9, 1984
I'm so lonely. I need someone. Theresa has someone. She's always going out with him and she's so happy. I want to be happy. God, I'm a sophomore--shouldn't I have someone by now? Please give me someone...
April 12, 1985
Gosh! Well I practiced driving all week and today I took my driver's test. I flunked because we almost had an accident if he wouldn't have told me to stop. We were at an intersection and I was about to turn on a busy road, not realizing they didn't have a stop sign (I was really nervous). I cried for a long time. Mom took me to McDonald's. I tried to dry my eyes. I was turning in my application. Me and Mom sat down to eat when they told me they could interview me now. I interviewed and got the job!
May 11, 1985
...There's this certain guy I like at work--He's really cute. God, please let something come out of this!! 9 1/2 more days of school!!!!
June 10, 1985
...I kinda have my eye on this guy at work. His name is Ted. Ted's cute!...To Ted, I'm just another Trainee--SO FAR. We'll see what happens. I'll keep you up to date on this.
June 20, 1985
...Today I worked with Ted!!!! WOW!! YAAH!! Guess what! Ted had a lunch break while I was having my meal after being off. We talked!!!! He's really nice! God, please let him like me...I want a boyfriend soooooo bad--Why is it so hard for me to get one? I know it takes time, but I'm becoming impatient. But whatever I do--I'll never pick someone out of desperation! PLEASE GOD, GIVE ME A BOYFRIEND.
**note** If that doesn't sound desperate, I don't know what does.
TO BE CONTINUED....
Thursday, June 15, 2006
My Dad, On His Throne
I love my Dad. He has so much joy for life. He's so enthusiastic about his faith. I love to go to him for advice or to tap in on his knowledge. He's never judgmental, always humble, never assumes he knows more than he does. He's aware of all of his weaknesses and will emphasize those over his strengths. He gives God all the credit...and not just lip service. He means it. He's taught me so much, just by his example. A lot of my thoughts inside my head, and the way I look at life, is shaped by my Dad. In this picture, I think of my Dad and how he never goes to fast. He always has time to sit down and share the awesome things of life with you.This may be too much information, but I have to tell you one example of this that happened recently. I called to talk to my Dad about a couple of things on my mind lately. I like to get his advice. When I called him, my mom answered. He was on the pot. He accepted my phone call anyway...like it was nothing. Ok, so we are kind of an open family, I know. The fact that I knew he was on the toilet when I was talking to him is disgusting for some, but to me...well...I felt important. I talked to him about CRHP and PTO. These are two things on my mind lately that I feel slight stress because of the importance of them. I talked about my responsibilities and the fears of failure. We talked about cruises and how Ted and I want to go on one for our 15th anniversary next year (or maybe the year after). We talked about other little things that were on my mind. We don't talk on the phone often, but when we do, I am never bored and I'm always fascinated with what he has to say. Our conversation leaps from one topic to another. I never feel rushed. I can tell he thoroughly enjoys it as much as I do. We talked for almost an hour. All of this while he was on the pot. And then, the topper...I asked him to hold me up in his prayers (he prays daily for us...and holds us up individually once a week) about leading music for CRHP and serving on the PTO, that God guides me and calms my fears. He said, "Well, let's pray right now." With that he went into a very powerful, heartfelt prayer. For me. While he was on the pot. I have to admit, this made me laugh inside towards the end. God showed me how much my Dad loves me. The way He did that just makes me smile. I know I am very fortunate. I know not everyone has this. I know it's a gift. I know he won't always be there. I'm trying to enjoy him while he's here...even if he's in the bathroom. :-)
Something to Look Forward To...
The other day Oprah said that happiness is having something to look forward to. I don't claim this as the universal statement of happiness but it sure comes close to defining my happiness. When I came home from vacation, I found myself wandering around, trying to figure out what to do with myself. I had just finished a big project (planning our vacation), and now that it was over, what was I going to do? I am a person of purpose. Too many little projects overwhelm me, but I like to be focused on big projects...something that is in the future. I like putting all the pieces together and watch it come to fruition. In the past those projects have been: researching for a big purchase (car, home, trailer, etc.), researching for the best vacation spot, planning a home renovation (kitchen, bathroom, etc), planning a new landscaping in the front. Every tax refund gives me a reason to dream up a new project. This tax season we started thinking about the basement, and how nice it would be to have a finished room for the kids to play. Once I'm given a new thing to research...off I go...planning, graphing, researching. I'm always anxious to find out costs. We got two bids: one from a friend and one from family. Touchy! We chose our friend. He would be doing it as a side job and it would be cheaper. However, we realized we didn't have enough money to do it all. We decided we would have it partially done, and maybe finish it up next year. I believe that if you have the money to do something, take advantage of it before it's dribbled away on other stuff.
When we got back from vacation, Ted found out a client of his was ready to sign a contract that he had been working on for 6 years! This made us feel more comfortable to make the commitment for the whole finishing plan. Before we got a chance to tell our friend, he lowered our price because he found a deal on 2X4's and decided we could paint the basement ourselves and save more money. In addition to this, we changed our plan to a drywall ceiling instead of drop ceiling which would save our materials cost. Our final price is $2300 less than the original bid!! I'm so glad to be doing this at a good price. It just makes you feel better about the whole commitment, AND...I have a new project!!
So now comes the part of getting ready for the job. Luckily, we aren't finishing our whole basement. To make it more affordable, we are doing it in two phases. The first phase is around 900 square feet. We already have a storage room, so with the remaining space we'll finish a play room and a family room that are open to each other and are separated by the stairs. The family room will have an office nook that is open to the rest of the room (the kids love to play on the computer). We'll also add a clothing closet. We'll keep all the out of season clothes in there as well as clothes that are waiting to be worn by younger siblings. The back part of the basement will remain unfinished until we feel the need for another bedroom (guest room or college student returning home?). We'll also eventually want a bathroom down there, so we put it in the plan for the second phase, but we'll do without it for now.
When we work on a room, I enjoy getting rid of old stuff. Now is my chance to get into my basement and purge. I did this when we moved two years ago and I already need to do it again. I just need an excuse to nudge me to do it. Now I have one. There is so much you keep when you are growing your family, it feels good to get rid of stuff you know you are done with. I have all the video tapes. They were gold when Sam and Abby were young, but does Mary really need 5 Little Mermaid videos? She's into Dora! And what about the fact that they are videos! They are practically obsolete! Now that we have DVR, we rarely use videos! It'll feel good to offload this stuff. The job starts June 26th, so I have to start NOW. We're camping again the 28th for four nights. This will be easy to get ready for, but it's another reason to get the basement cleared out right away.
Yes, I am happy with a project to work on...a great purpose. I have something to look forward to: a finished basement we can all enjoy. Maybe that's why God gave me a house with so much to work on...he knew it would keep me busy...and happy.
When we got back from vacation, Ted found out a client of his was ready to sign a contract that he had been working on for 6 years! This made us feel more comfortable to make the commitment for the whole finishing plan. Before we got a chance to tell our friend, he lowered our price because he found a deal on 2X4's and decided we could paint the basement ourselves and save more money. In addition to this, we changed our plan to a drywall ceiling instead of drop ceiling which would save our materials cost. Our final price is $2300 less than the original bid!! I'm so glad to be doing this at a good price. It just makes you feel better about the whole commitment, AND...I have a new project!!
So now comes the part of getting ready for the job. Luckily, we aren't finishing our whole basement. To make it more affordable, we are doing it in two phases. The first phase is around 900 square feet. We already have a storage room, so with the remaining space we'll finish a play room and a family room that are open to each other and are separated by the stairs. The family room will have an office nook that is open to the rest of the room (the kids love to play on the computer). We'll also add a clothing closet. We'll keep all the out of season clothes in there as well as clothes that are waiting to be worn by younger siblings. The back part of the basement will remain unfinished until we feel the need for another bedroom (guest room or college student returning home?). We'll also eventually want a bathroom down there, so we put it in the plan for the second phase, but we'll do without it for now.
When we work on a room, I enjoy getting rid of old stuff. Now is my chance to get into my basement and purge. I did this when we moved two years ago and I already need to do it again. I just need an excuse to nudge me to do it. Now I have one. There is so much you keep when you are growing your family, it feels good to get rid of stuff you know you are done with. I have all the video tapes. They were gold when Sam and Abby were young, but does Mary really need 5 Little Mermaid videos? She's into Dora! And what about the fact that they are videos! They are practically obsolete! Now that we have DVR, we rarely use videos! It'll feel good to offload this stuff. The job starts June 26th, so I have to start NOW. We're camping again the 28th for four nights. This will be easy to get ready for, but it's another reason to get the basement cleared out right away.
Yes, I am happy with a project to work on...a great purpose. I have something to look forward to: a finished basement we can all enjoy. Maybe that's why God gave me a house with so much to work on...he knew it would keep me busy...and happy.
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
More Gulf Shores Pics
Remember when I said Ben and Mary slept on the beach? Here they are. Would you believe their faces got burned under that umbrella?? Now I know....
This is a picture of all the kids that were on vacation with us. There were three familes total and each one had four kids! Fun! (They ranged from 16 years old - 1 1/2 years old)
Gulf Shores Pics
This picture looks quaint enough, but you have no idea how much work it took to get it. Mary did NOT want to be held, she wanted to play on the boardwalk nearby! She threw a fit every time I picked her up for the pictures. We took three sets of about 4 each. This set, she actually wanted me to hold her for some reason.
Here's a shot on the beach. This one was not as much work, thankfully.
Monday, June 12, 2006
I'm Baaacckk
I'm back. And I'm really too tired to write. But I thought if I would just start...something interesting might roll off my tongue. Gulf Shores was beautiful. White, fine sand. The ocean was in pretty shades of green. The days were warm, the nights were cool, and it didn't rain a drop the whole time we were there. Yes. We were blessed.
The ride down started rough. Mary and Ben cried for the whole first hour. I think Ben was having morning poop cramps but didn't want to poop in his carseat (in a diaper of course). Mary was crying and we didn't know why. She had a cold so maybe the drainage was affecting her stomach because all of a sudden she puked up phlegm. I caught it with her blanket. Mom's are always ready...even from the front seat. After she puked, she was happy as pie. Ben mysteriously cheered up too. Even though he never pooped (his and Mary's poops are very predictably in the mid morning). The rest of the ride was very peaceful with only minor disturbances. The ride home was just as good. This was my biggest concern! 750 miles is a lot. We broke it up into two days on the way there and did it one trip on the way home. I'm so glad we did. Sometimes staying overnight just makes the whole trip feel longer.
We camped at Gulf State Park which was still recuperating from the damage caused by Hurricane Ivan. We think of Katrina...but there...it was Ivan. That was two years ago, but the trees and vegetation are still suffering. Our area of the state park looked like a wasteland, with many dead, leafless trees, but it still hand newly paved roads and brand new full hook-ups. We didn't enjoy the ambiance of our surroundings, but totally enjoyed the beauty of the beach. The first day I stayed back at the camper with Mary while she napped, while Ted took the kids to the beach. However, after that day, we just brought them all with us. The beach would put Ben to sleep! Think about it, the white noise of the ocean, the breeze on your face (he always sleeps with a fan) and the shade of the umbrella. He slept on the beach 3 of the 4 times he went! Mary fell asleep too the time we went during her naptime.
We went into town and stuck with safe places to eat like Cici's pizza. When the kids get older, we might enjoy a nice restaurant, but I would never enjoy it with Ben and Mary right now. We checked out Tanger Outlet Mall and Shakes Frozen Custard. We also hit a few surf shops. Other than this though, our time was spent at the beach. It wasn't fun lugging kids who wouldn't walk (mainly Ben...Mary walked, but not necessarily at the desired pace) along with a cooler, umbrella, beach bag, boogie boards, etc. But once we got there and set up shop, we relaxed and soaked up the sun.
Overall it was a great trip. As a mom, though, it just doesn't really feel like my vacation. It was the kids' vacation. I enjoyed the beach time, but the time before and after the beach was often high maintenance. Ben is really a homebody and doesn't settle well in other places. Mary is just your typical young toddler with fit throwing whenever our decisions didn't suit her. Living in the cramped quarters of a trailer for 9 days can be hard on your nerves with the needs of two toddlers. Ben was often needy and there was no time for a book, game or anything except TV watching. In fact, our new dual screen DVD player was a GODSEND!!! I'm telling you, a definite must for the kids. It entertained them during those times when we just needed to settle in the trailer. I wish there was a playground or something there. I took the kids for rides in the trailer pulled by our bike, but there was nothing to see because we were on a vacant end of the campground and the scenery was lacking. They said that business has suffered since the hurricane... which is sad.
Once a big trip is over, we start planning the next big trip for next year. Sometimes you need to reserve 11 months out to get a good site. We are looking at Door County next year. The State Parks out there are really lacking on the hook ups (mostly dry camping...meaning no water or electric or sewer), so we are considering a private campground like Tranquil Timbers (formerly known as Quiet Woods North).
Anyway, overall it was a good trip. Ben was a lot better than he was last year. Mary has stepped up to the plate and adds much more to the chaos now that she's older. This makes things a little harder...but still overall, it's more enjoyable than last year, I'm happy to report.
Our next camping excursion is over the Fourth of July weekend at our annual visit to Eminence, MO. We have many friends meeting us up there and family's we've camped with since I was 9 years old, so it should be fun. The campground is on a river with a rocky beach facing bluffs. Ben should enjoy throwing the rocks. This one will be shorter in length of stay and travel time, so less stressful overall. We'll leave on June 28th and come back July 2nd. Until then, I'll hopefully enjoy some down time with the kids.
Blogger won't let me post pictures...but I'll post when I can.
The ride down started rough. Mary and Ben cried for the whole first hour. I think Ben was having morning poop cramps but didn't want to poop in his carseat (in a diaper of course). Mary was crying and we didn't know why. She had a cold so maybe the drainage was affecting her stomach because all of a sudden she puked up phlegm. I caught it with her blanket. Mom's are always ready...even from the front seat. After she puked, she was happy as pie. Ben mysteriously cheered up too. Even though he never pooped (his and Mary's poops are very predictably in the mid morning). The rest of the ride was very peaceful with only minor disturbances. The ride home was just as good. This was my biggest concern! 750 miles is a lot. We broke it up into two days on the way there and did it one trip on the way home. I'm so glad we did. Sometimes staying overnight just makes the whole trip feel longer.
We camped at Gulf State Park which was still recuperating from the damage caused by Hurricane Ivan. We think of Katrina...but there...it was Ivan. That was two years ago, but the trees and vegetation are still suffering. Our area of the state park looked like a wasteland, with many dead, leafless trees, but it still hand newly paved roads and brand new full hook-ups. We didn't enjoy the ambiance of our surroundings, but totally enjoyed the beauty of the beach. The first day I stayed back at the camper with Mary while she napped, while Ted took the kids to the beach. However, after that day, we just brought them all with us. The beach would put Ben to sleep! Think about it, the white noise of the ocean, the breeze on your face (he always sleeps with a fan) and the shade of the umbrella. He slept on the beach 3 of the 4 times he went! Mary fell asleep too the time we went during her naptime.
We went into town and stuck with safe places to eat like Cici's pizza. When the kids get older, we might enjoy a nice restaurant, but I would never enjoy it with Ben and Mary right now. We checked out Tanger Outlet Mall and Shakes Frozen Custard. We also hit a few surf shops. Other than this though, our time was spent at the beach. It wasn't fun lugging kids who wouldn't walk (mainly Ben...Mary walked, but not necessarily at the desired pace) along with a cooler, umbrella, beach bag, boogie boards, etc. But once we got there and set up shop, we relaxed and soaked up the sun.
Overall it was a great trip. As a mom, though, it just doesn't really feel like my vacation. It was the kids' vacation. I enjoyed the beach time, but the time before and after the beach was often high maintenance. Ben is really a homebody and doesn't settle well in other places. Mary is just your typical young toddler with fit throwing whenever our decisions didn't suit her. Living in the cramped quarters of a trailer for 9 days can be hard on your nerves with the needs of two toddlers. Ben was often needy and there was no time for a book, game or anything except TV watching. In fact, our new dual screen DVD player was a GODSEND!!! I'm telling you, a definite must for the kids. It entertained them during those times when we just needed to settle in the trailer. I wish there was a playground or something there. I took the kids for rides in the trailer pulled by our bike, but there was nothing to see because we were on a vacant end of the campground and the scenery was lacking. They said that business has suffered since the hurricane... which is sad.
Once a big trip is over, we start planning the next big trip for next year. Sometimes you need to reserve 11 months out to get a good site. We are looking at Door County next year. The State Parks out there are really lacking on the hook ups (mostly dry camping...meaning no water or electric or sewer), so we are considering a private campground like Tranquil Timbers (formerly known as Quiet Woods North).
Anyway, overall it was a good trip. Ben was a lot better than he was last year. Mary has stepped up to the plate and adds much more to the chaos now that she's older. This makes things a little harder...but still overall, it's more enjoyable than last year, I'm happy to report.
Our next camping excursion is over the Fourth of July weekend at our annual visit to Eminence, MO. We have many friends meeting us up there and family's we've camped with since I was 9 years old, so it should be fun. The campground is on a river with a rocky beach facing bluffs. Ben should enjoy throwing the rocks. This one will be shorter in length of stay and travel time, so less stressful overall. We'll leave on June 28th and come back July 2nd. Until then, I'll hopefully enjoy some down time with the kids.
Blogger won't let me post pictures...but I'll post when I can.
Friday, June 02, 2006
I'm Still Here
As summer in our house has officially started this week. I'm in a new place of competing for computer time. Sam and Abby use it a lot and and Ben is now an expert at the mouse and wants to play on the "Thomas the Tank Engine" website. *sigh*. I'm wondering how much I'll get to post this summer. Obviously I can kick them off. But sometimes, I can get a lot done while they are happily entertaining themselves.
Not only has lack of computer time kept me from posting, but also this trip I've been preparing for us to go on TOMORROW. Yes, all week I've been washing clothes, packing clothes, shopping for food, packing food, getting my hair cut, giving hair cuts, renting from the library, returning to the library, etc, etc.
On top of all this, Ben has chosen NOW to potty train. I did not pick this time, he did. I do my usual, occasional mentioning....you know the litany, "Big boys go potty on the potty chair"..."Do you want to go potty on the potty chair?"..."Underpants are for big boys"..."Babies wear diapers" and so on and so on. Well, this morning he peed in the tub after his bath. So I recited my litany and asked him if he wanted to go in the potty chair. I told him he would get a treat. He said YES! We went to the toilet and after much squeezing and pulling (stop! I want grandchildren!), he finally went...standing up!! I'm so happy and excited. Not only that, but he wore his Thomas underwear all day and only had one big accident. I'm not going to stop the rolling snowball. I will take advantage of his excitement (and his love for m&m's) and keep this puppy moving. One problem...he wants to strip naked every time. Tiring. Even shoes have to off. My sister, Lisa, said, "It's no surprise that Ben would have stipulations on how he wants to go to the bathroom."
Tomorrow we have to drive 740 miles. Ha. Hmm...back to the diaper. But we'll use the trailer toilet for pit stops and see if he wants to go. I just don't have enough clothes to potty train on a trip. I guess I'll have to do laundry a couple of times.
Well, Abby has a softball game...gotta go. I will try to post more often. Even if it's short blurbs. Better than nothing.
Not only has lack of computer time kept me from posting, but also this trip I've been preparing for us to go on TOMORROW. Yes, all week I've been washing clothes, packing clothes, shopping for food, packing food, getting my hair cut, giving hair cuts, renting from the library, returning to the library, etc, etc.
On top of all this, Ben has chosen NOW to potty train. I did not pick this time, he did. I do my usual, occasional mentioning....you know the litany, "Big boys go potty on the potty chair"..."Do you want to go potty on the potty chair?"..."Underpants are for big boys"..."Babies wear diapers" and so on and so on. Well, this morning he peed in the tub after his bath. So I recited my litany and asked him if he wanted to go in the potty chair. I told him he would get a treat. He said YES! We went to the toilet and after much squeezing and pulling (stop! I want grandchildren!), he finally went...standing up!! I'm so happy and excited. Not only that, but he wore his Thomas underwear all day and only had one big accident. I'm not going to stop the rolling snowball. I will take advantage of his excitement (and his love for m&m's) and keep this puppy moving. One problem...he wants to strip naked every time. Tiring. Even shoes have to off. My sister, Lisa, said, "It's no surprise that Ben would have stipulations on how he wants to go to the bathroom."
Tomorrow we have to drive 740 miles. Ha. Hmm...back to the diaper. But we'll use the trailer toilet for pit stops and see if he wants to go. I just don't have enough clothes to potty train on a trip. I guess I'll have to do laundry a couple of times.
Well, Abby has a softball game...gotta go. I will try to post more often. Even if it's short blurbs. Better than nothing.
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