How Do You Raise Them Right?

I just read an article in People magazine about a 14 year old girl, Kara Beth Borden, whose parents were murdered by her 18 year old boyfriend, David Ludwig. Apparently, the parents were angry with their daughter after she was gone all night with her boyfriend. The parents called the boy to come over immediately. They argued for about 45 minutes, telling the boy he could no longer see their daughter. As they showed him to the door, he shot them both in the head.

She came from a well-to-do family, was homeschooled in a strong Christian environment with 4 other siblings. Her boyfriend was also homeschooled. Usually, when people homeschool their kids, they are doing it to protect their kids. I look on it as total control of your child's education. It's often done by strong Christians with strong convictions. I would think you have a greater opportunity to teach your kids right from wrong and protect them from negative outside influences.

Kara and David weren't exactly your wholesome and innocent couple. They were sneaking sex late at night in her parents home. People magazine said, "They would exchange 'inappropriate images of one another' over their computers and cell phones." They found a video on David' s computer of him with a friend, armed with rifles, and discussing how to kill family members. Do you think this is what his parents were trying to protect him from when they homeschooled him? When he was younger, doing cute toddler things, did their parents ever dream their son would have sex with a 14 year old and eventually kill her parents? It's every parents worse nightmare!

Now, I don't believe these are your typical homeschooled kids...but I do believe it proves that no matter how you educate your kids, private school, homeschool, public school...there is so much more to raising them right. And EVEN when you do the best you can, you can still have problems. I look at my parents. We were raised in an expressive, Christian home. We went to Catholic grade schools and private high schools. I would say the three girls escaped without much damage but my brothers...ohhh my brothers...fires, stealing, lawn jobs, bad grades, drugs, etc. My parents barely made it. It was hell on our family. Now, they seem to be doing a little better, but they still have problems with pot, poor credit and none of them are married. They are between the ages of 41 and 31. It goes without saying, there is not one church-going bone in their bodies. Whereas the girls in my family all have very strong faith in God, attend church regularly, have strong marriages and all finished college (none of the boys set foot in a college classroom...in fact, two never graduated from highschool).

I hope this all doesn't sound so high and mighty. I don't think going to college is always a big measure of success. I know many religious people who are very judgmental and narrow minded. I'm mentioning those things because sometimes they go along with success, but in the long run I feel this is what truly matters: I feel successful people are happy, can keep a job, can manage a long term relationship, can help provide for a family, and believe in a power greater than themselves.

It's always been something that puzzles me. You can be raised by the same parents and each person gets something totally different out of it. Which shows that nature is just as strong as nature (if not stronger). Meaning, we are who we are. Our parents can influence us, but ultimately we are going to respond to our world in our own ways.

My goal in raising my kids is to help them get in touch with who they are. I want them to know themselves well, their strengths, weaknesses, interests, dislikes. I want them to learn how to live with their weaknesses and make up for them and accept them. I want them to enhance their strengths by using them. I want them to like themselves and enjoy life! I want them to find healthy relationships. I want them to have a strong faith in God. I want them to always realize they are blessed. That many people have it much worse than them. I want them to understand that if they are a "have", then your job on earth is to give to the "have nots".

So much of what I teach them HAS to be by example. But I like to talk about what we do so they know why we do what we do. Most things are explainable by action, but some need some words to go with it because it's not obviously seen...like money. They see us pull money out of a bank, like it's free. We explain that we put the money there to begin with...that Daddy works hard for that money. Also, kids learn they are important by their parents showing them they are. Am I constantly brushing my kids off like I don't have time for them but then say I love you at bedtime? What's going to speak louder? The words? or the actions of brushing them off? We can't be perfect all the time but I'm just trying for majority here. I like to have fun with the kids. I like showing them my laughter, joy and freedom. I want them to be able to express that side of themselves. I don't want them to feel too self conscious. I like acting goofy...but then also show seriousness when needed. One important thing I really try not to do is judge them. A parents judgment is so strong to a kid and I don't want them to start hiding things from me because they, are afraid of my judgment. I want them to always feel like they can talk to me about anything. I'm sure this will get harder later. I'll deal with those harder issues when I get to them. I want them to be able to see me angry, just not all the time. I want them to see me cry, so they know it's ok.

I don't feel like I have all the answers. In fact, this blog feels like a total jumbled mess of thoughts. But most of us don't have the answers and like guidance from those who've "been there". I love talking to mothers. I talked to one last night who just married off her "difficult child". She said that they always butted heads with her younger son, but got along well with the older son. Later, her older son thanked her for all that she did for him. That he now realizes how difficult he was and how right she was all along. Isn't that what every parent wants to here? I would love to go out there and interview a bunch of experienced Moms, whose kids are grown and out of the house. What would they change about how they raised their kids? What did they do well? Are they happy with how their kids are now doing as grown adults? What tips do they have for us? I especially like talking to moms who have more than three kids. They have more examples of outcomes. At least one child will not turn out perfect, therefore they don't have a false "My kids turned out perfect because I knew what I was doing" mentality.

One thing I've heard and it really makes sense to me: You can't take credit for the things they do well and you can't take the blame for what they don't. I know it's more than me that makes my kids who they are. It's their DNA, their own experiences and exposures...it's God, walking them through places they have to walk through. I'm hear to help as best I can. An imperfect person trying to figure out my own life, while trying to help them figure out theirs. Hopefully, we'll survive with few scars!