FINALLY!!!

Yes. It has finally happened. I have a new wedding ring. After 2 1/2 years and the desire to put chunks of money somewhere else besides my finger...Ted has surprised me by making the sudden decision to buy me a ring. He knew I was ready to spend the money. Enough procrastinating. My sister said it would never have taken her that long. I am among a family of jewelry lovers. My mom and my sisters would keep collecting pieces if they had the money to. They make it a priority. Anniversaries are celebrated with jewelry. It's rooted on my Italian side, my mom's side. Each piece of jewelry my aunts and Grandma wore had long stories. Like the matching gold chains my aunt wore. They said my uncle came back from Italy with a pocket watch at the end of a long gold chain. When he died they separated the chain into lengths that each one could wear as necklaces. My great aunt Connie was especially a jewelry lover. Her hands were always taken care of and soft as silk when you held them. Her nails were long and perfectly manicured. Her hands were the perfect backdrop to her beautiful rings. She would wear huge bobbles that many people couldn't get away with wearing. Her hair was always neatly coiffed and I remember thinking she was like a movie star. Not the kind we have now. But like the Bette Davis kind. She didn't go to a nursing home when she got older, but a very classy retirement community. She married 4 or 5 times and never had children. It was either she or her sister, my aunt Marie, who made me promise never to blow bubbles with chewing gum because it was not lady like. They taught us how to be ladies.

I'm not sure if I retained any of that because I'm not like that at all. I'm not always proper, I can say what's on my mind and see faces in shock. I used to smack my gum til the cows came home until I learned it was really irritating to other people. I'm honest, not pretentious. I'm simple, not fancy. My goal is to make people around me as comfortable as possible. This means I will happily tell you my shortcomings and try to downplay my gifts. I'm the only one who didn't get the jewelry loving gene. I'm satisfied with costume jewelry on my ears and wrists. I do prefer real gold or silver for the neck, but never wear it. And rings...well, I prefer the real thing. I knew when we finally replaced my ring, I wanted to do it right and spend the money to get something I really liked. I guess this is why I put it off. I wanted it to be done right.

Since we moved into our house almost three years ago, any extra money has gone into updating the house. We've done our kitchen, the 1/2 bath on the main level, replaced all the baseboards and doors, finished our basement, and painted the whole house. There is more to do. We need new heating and cooling, a new roof, and to replace our asphalt driveway with concrete.

I put off buying a ring because I saw many other places for the money to go. I was too stingy with myself. It took 2 1/2 years, but this year, I started missing my ring. I had a plain, gold band that served the purpose and kept me from feeling "naked". But eventually, my fat, stubby fingers outgrew it. I yearned for a real diamond again. A real statement of "I'm married!" on my finger. Then Ted got laid off. And actually it could be for this reason that it made it easier to buy the ring. How is that you say? Well, since he has a job secured and will start January 8th, we will have two paychecks coming in for six weeks. The extra severance checks were more than enough for my ring.

So there it is. Oh yah! I almost forgot. You might be trying to count the diamonds on the sides because I said I wanted two on each side to represent the kids. Well...I changed my mind once I saw the ring in person, I realized I didn't want anything to take away from the main diamond. I wanted that to stand on it's own. So there are five little diamonds on each side and NO, I will NOT have 10 children! (Note to God: Please don't see this as a statement challenging what you know is best for me...please don't teach me a lesson by giving me 10 children).

Now I'm wishing I didn't cut off all my nails to play guitar at Children's Liturgy last weekend! A diamond looks much better on a pretty hand! Lisa bought me a nail care kit so I worked on them last night. I'm ready to show it off to my family!

The Job is Ours!!

This morning, Ted called the AT&T Director and told him what he felt he was worth ($8000 more than the offer). The AT&T Director then went on to tell Ted about how every job operates within a certain set parameters and then said, what if I were to add $10,000 to the base salary, would you take the job then? Uh....umm....YES!! Anything to the base pay is great!It's guaranteed money. In sales, you love a good base. It's security if the sales don't go well and commissions are low. We are closer to a better chance of making what he did before. That's all we wanted. In the ballpark...and we are there! We are patient enough to grow with AT&T. Charter's offer came in much lower ($10,000 less in base than before)...with the teaser job opening in a few months for a Sales Manager. Ted asked God this morning to make it obvious what he should do. When Charter's offer came in that much lower, he felt this was his sure sign to go to work at AT&T. We still don't know if he will start 1/8 or 1/15, but we can rest assured the rest of the Christmas Break that a job is waiting for him. Phew!

Thanks for your prayers. I'll write more later. Mary wants to be held....again....*sigh*

The Dentist and The JOB OFFER!!

My numb lip tingles with the beginnings of feeling. Yup. I had a dentist appointment this morning and I am DONE. Three is enough! I had to make trips to replace 3 metal fillings for resin ones. And the cool thing is, these are WHITE! But it was a painful, awkward process. Opening my mouth for that long and that wide is not my strength! They had gauze stuffed over here, and a big suctioner over there and the water sprayer as well as the drill. My mouth was not made for all of that!! Now my jaw hurts...but alas, I can eat again. Eating is very important to me. Do you know it takes 5 hours for this stuff to wear off??

Anyway, I've been remiss in updating you. The last you heard, my husband, Ted was waiting for a phone call and....it came!! Yesterday, he finally got the call telling him that were putting together an offer for a "Senior Account Executive". HR called later to start the hiring paperwork. I think they are in a hurry to get this done before the holidays. Right now, as I type, Ted is talking in our bedroom where he is assured of complete noise control. Uh...the door is opening. I think he's done. Hang on....

OK...I'm back. Ted got a follow up call from AT&T with an official job offer. Finally, the day we have been waiting for has arrived! It's a solid offer with comparable pay to Ted's last job. Of course, when you are in sales, you have to work your way into decent commission. It comes in time. I think we are ready to make that sacrifice in order to gain the stability of AT&T. AT&T represents stability and growth potential. We were hoping for a greater base pay, but we are starting at a new company, with new potential. So it's worth it. Ted called Charter and now they are scrambling to get their offer on the table with AT&T's before he officially accepts it. Too little, too late. They want to hire him with the plan to promote him to manager when that position is ready. We weighed it. We really did. Nope. Goodbye Charter. How can you trust them anymore? Who knows what would happen?

So we're looking at a job that would start 1/8 or 1/15. Three to four more glorious weeks with Ted. But now we have the security of a job. Like I said, we'll have to work back into making the commissions he was making. There is no promise he'll make that same amount again. So, of course we are officially putting off our Jamaica trip til next year since we won't be getting very much vacation right away. We want to save our vacation for Door County in July.

One good thing we aren't going to sacrifice is my ring! We went shopping last Tuesday and I picked one out! New job at a new company, new boss, new beginnings....new ring...all in the new year! I hope this is where God wants us to be.

December 21...OK...sometimes it takes me a couple of days to write a blog. Sorry. Right now, Ted is again locked in our bedroom asking many more questions about the job. He's also going to ask for more money. If we're going to take a pay cut, it sure would be nice have at least less of one! I'll post this one and update later.

Another Update

Ted just called from his car about his "interview" with his old cable company job...wait a minute...let's just scrap the "old cable company" bit. It's getting tiring. It's CHARTER. Anyway, the job at Charter was officially offered to him. We knew this was coming it just took a very long time. Our safety net has arrived...but we're holding out for AT&T. His friend, Jeff, who interviewed him, has been updated about AT&T and knows Ted is waiting to hear from them. Jeff also told him that a contractor who works for Comcast (#2 in the cable industry) would love to hire Jeff and Ted to run the MDU side of the company (multi-unit dwellings). He offered a much higher pay. It's nice to know about...but working for a contractor feels less secure than the company itself. It would mean more travel since they don't have a strong presence in this region and this job would be nationwide. We're holding out for AT&T. I'll let you know as soon as I hear any news.

Forgot to Mention

Ted just found out that that many of the remaining Directors at his old company have been demoted to Managers. One of them is calling him to see how his job search is going with AT&T....she is looking for a job now. It's just not a good place to be. I'm glad he got out when he did.

Dentists, Mom's Day Out, Poop, and Employment

I just went to the dentist this morning to get a couple of old metal fillings replaced with pretty white ones. They were in bad shape and starting to crack so it needed to be done. I'm glad to get two of them out of the way (one more to go), but I feel like I was in a fight! My lip feels swollen but when I look in the mirror, there is no tell-tale sign of the discomfort I feel. I have a small mouth and my jaw was not made to open that wide for long periods of time! Not only that, but I can't feel the left side of my face and I keep crunching accidentally on my lip. Yes, I can't feel it now, but I'm sure it will not feel great when the feeling comes back. My appointment was at 8:45 and now it is almost 5 hours later. Ughh. I guess I'd rather be numb for hours than not have enough of that numbing juice. I've been there before and it's NO picnic! I remember my dental visits as a youth were filled with dread. I always felt shots of pain as he drilled over sensitive nerves. My current dentist does not have the problem of under numbing. He's a good number. Get it? Hahahaha....ouch..it's hurts to laugh.

On to other topics...yesterday was Parent's Day Out and it was a dream day. Ted helped me as I scrambled to get the little ones out the door and... oh how I will miss him when he goes back to work. Once we dropped them off we came back home and cleaned up the house, folded laundry, wrapped presents, went out to lunch, came back continued wrapping until HE went to get the little ones from MDO and the older ones from school. This gave me an extra hour to wrap and the presents are FINISHED!! When he got home, Becky, my sister arrived with her baby which HE watched while we went shopping and out to eat together. Does that not sound like a dream day to you?? I floated on air when I got back. Ted was not floating, however. He was DOA on the couch because the little ones were NOT particularly good. I showered him with appreciation and love. I was so grateful for the gift that the day was. I know I will not have this kind of help forever. He's getting very close to nabbing a job with AT&T. We hope to hear more about the job that is available by tomorrow or Friday. Today he's meeting with his old job to discuss the position available there.

One thing that has happened from Ted being home is his appreciation of what I deal with in a day. I try to describe it to him, but nothing is like experiencing it for yourself. Now he understands how I can be fine in one conversation and crazy in the next. Obviously, it's not all bad, but lately things have been more difficult with Mary. She is a force to reckon with. She gets into and destroys everything. It's hard to keep up with her. When Ted and I came back to house after dropping off the kids at PDO, I spent the first 45 minutes just cleaning up messes she made with game pieces and other disasters she created around the house. I sure will miss him. Ted has cleaned half (or more than half) of Ben's poops (which I contemplating diaper training him on the poops so we don't have to go through this mess every other day). Ben is still not poop trained and it's getting old. Some people say they will just decide one day to do it. When will that day be? Will it come with an announcement?? For now, he continues to just walk in the room like a penguin with a load in his pants, and we have to delicately pull down wet pants wrapping a fine package of poop. This too shall pass. Until then, I will appreciate all the help I have dealing with it right now. I think come January 2nd, Ted will be employed. Let's hope and pray.

Bits and Pieces

Job Search--Good news on the job search. Ted called back the guys who most recently interviewed him from AT&T. Technically, Ted interviewed for a totally different job, but at the end of the interview, one of the guys told him about a job they had that they were still working out, but would be a management position which would oversee that sales force to apartment complexes as well as the sales positions which would negotiate contracts with the apartment complex owners. This position is very similar to the one Ted had at the previous cable company, except this one, at this time, mainly focuses on long distance and internet...eventually cable will be a part of the package. So anyway, he called back and the Director said they are VERY interested in him for this newly created job! He said "VERY interested" a couple of times in the conversation! Ted asked when he would find out more about the job (pay, etc). He said definitely by the end of the week. They were still figuring out structure and who would report to whom. Right now, all of these people (10?) are reporting to the director. We are really excited...cautiously, of course. In management positions you can count on a higher base pay balanced by a lower "at risk" amount... or "commission", so you don't have these volatile pay checks that are hard to budget on.

Mary's Portraits--I took Mary to get her two year old portraits taken. Am I always going to look on these milestones with a mixture of happiness and dread? My baby is two...and has been for about 6 weeks now...but the pictures solidified the deal! *sigh*. On Sears.com they show you all of your sessions on one page, so you have to look at your child growing up right before your eyes. I'm a happier person now that she is getting older, but at the same time I have my finger hovering over the "slow motion" button getting ready to let the good stuff last longer. I love the 3-5 age and I know that Ben and Mary are going to grow up all too fast for me.

REAP Benefit concert-- My brother-in-law is the coordinator of a retreat ministry for youth in the St. Louis Catholic Archdiocese. He oversees a large group of volunteers, young and old to do primarily confirmation retreats, but he does about everything else (First Communion retreats, high school retreats, retreats for convents, teachers, etc.). Anyway, he and his assistant organized a benefit concert for the REAP team. They rented out a local highschool theater and showcased a young Catholic talent named Adam Bitter. The seats were filled with highschoolers that I pray will be my kids someday. You could tell they were many Life Teen youth groups in the crowd and also some families. We brought Sam and Abby and got a babysitter for Ben and Mary. I'm so glad we went because my kids got to see a whole different side of their faith! Young people were clapping, singing along and some were raising their hands in the spirit of the loud, Christian music playing before them. It was very cool. During a break, there was a witness by a REAP team member that was a midget. It was such a powerful witness on God's love and her doubt of it when she was younger when people made fun of her. She was inspired by a REAP retreat that she went on and her life began to change. A year later, she felt like God was calling her to serve on the REAP team and now she is a very powerful witnesser to God's love! And my kids got to hear her talk! Most of the stuff Ted and I go to, we don't take the kids: Men's group, Women's group and other faith events, so they don't see a whole side of who we are. They got a glimpse the other night. Would you believe my kids were raising their hands during one song?? I know they don't know what they were really doing, they just were following others...but it was a pure delight for me and Ted. They sat with their cousins and we sat at an upper level behind them. I wonder if that's a little of how God feels when He sees us making progress on earth. Delight. I hope so. Here is the website for the REAM team...check it out!! http://www.reapteam.org/

Sam is Crying--A weird topic, I know. But he is crying in bed right now. He's upset because I took all electronic and gaming privileges away for two days because he got his name on the board. It's not the only time. He has a problem of talking in class. He always tells me that so 'n so said something to him first and he was responding. Hmmmm. One thing I don't like is the teacher's method of putting the names on board. She says, "If you were talking, come put your name on the board". I don't like that. It's like punishing the honest kids because Sam is always honest. Obviously he should be punished for talking...but SHE should have the guts to put his name on the board, not make Sam do it. He'll survive. Now he's whaling. I remember crying into my pillow. I just knew I was worst off child in the world and everyone else had it better. I can't be his best friend all the time and make it go away. Sometimes I think you have to let them feel the pain. After all, he's gotten his name on the board (or he PUT his name on the board) about 3 times in the last 3 weeks. Not good.

A Snapshot

What's at the top of my to-do list?
--Get ready for niece's baptism: wrap gift, buy ingredients for artichoke dip, buy ice cream, select clothes for kids to wear
--Call Abby's friend to see if she can come over Saturday
--Stuff Christmas cards with pictures and send out in the mail

What have I accomplished?
--Finished most of my shopping. I have two gifts left.
--Went on Marriage Encounter. It was a great weekend. We enjoyed the uninterrupted time together. We did a lot of listening, a lot of writing, and some discussing. One thing that we realized is that we keep pretty open communication and there were no hidden surprises. However, I think we could easily improve on keeping regular communication and putting our marriage first...really making it a priority. We decided to do no TV after the kids go down until we had connected first. Marriage Encounter teaches ways to describe your feelings. They encourage 10 minutes of writing every day followed by 10 minutes of sharing on what you wrote and discussing it. We realized that this wasn't totally our style. We just preferred to get to the discussing part...however, every now and then when there is a major feeling or hurt to discuss, we agreed that writing it first might be helpful. But for the day to day, it would feel like a waste of time. Me, being one that likes to have some structure to follow, decided to come up with a list of questions (kind of like my "snapshot"). Questions help give me direction as to what to talk about. That's why I use them on my snapshot. Here are the following questions that we "check in" with each other every night:
**What was the best part of your day?
**What was the worst part of your day?
**What's bugging you? (This captures all anxieties, worries or stresses...big or small)
**Have I done something to frustrate you? (A hard one to ask but makes you more aware of how your actions affect the other person)
**What do you want to accomplish tomorrow? (Makes you come up with a plan or goal for the next day, and lets your spouse know so they can help you make sure it's accomplished)
**What do you want to accomplish this week?
**What do you look forward to? (Gives a hint as to what makes you happy)
We even ask some of these questions with Sam and Abby before they go to bed...like the first three and maybe the last one. By asking Abby what was bugging her, I found out that she felt like one of her friends preferred another girl over her and started tearing up. Because I had taken the time to talk to her, I was able to help her. She said that since this girl is no longer in her class, she doesn't feel like they are very good friends anymore. I asked her if she wanted to have her over to play. She immediately cheered up and said, "Yes!" All is well. I feel that answering these questions daily helps any problems to be taken care of before they become bigger. When we used to watch TV after the kids went down, it just put off my thinking until we hit the bed. When I tried to discuss problems then, we were tired and crabby and sometimes it would end in frustration instead of peace. So far this is working well. I'll let you know how it goes. I hope we can stick with it. We've been doing the "talk time" with Sam and Abby for a couple of weeks now and they love it.

What's bugging me?
--Burnt cookies. I left some cookies on the bottom rack and they burnt. Now I have to cook more for my cookie exchange. :-(

What have I said I was going to do but I haven't?
--Crop in the evenings. We're talking now! Argghh! How do you fit it all in? I have an all day crop scheduled for 12/30. Hopefully that will help.

What's my latest obsession?
--Who has time for obsessions? I have to get ready for Christmas!

What's been making me happy?
--Taking the time to be "present" daily to Ted and the kids.
--Having Ted around.
--Watching Ted's progress on the job search front. He has had a total of five interviews in the last couple of weeks. Of the five, he let one company know he wasn't interested in further interviews (telecommunications company that has been bankrupt twice), the other four happened in the last 7 days and he is waiting for them to interview other people. Some of them he found out before they were even posted! All the interviews went really well. Hopefully, at least one of them will "stick". I'll keep you updated.

Tidbits
--Abby doesn't believe in Santa anymore. Sadly, most of it is my fault. Last year she found a present that said, "To Ted, From Missy", but the "Missy" was crossed off and "Santa" was written beside it. Oops.
--Ted just talked to a fellow laid off co-worker who is on vacation in Colorado skiing with his family! Ted was so jealous. "Isn't he worried about getting a job??", I asked. But, he was a Director and got a better severance package than we did, plus, his salary was a lot higher than ours and didn't depend as much on commission. Ted's pay right now is about half of what he is used to because it is only his base and includes no commission. We never lived up to his pay because we never counted on all the commission...we never knew what was coming from one paycheck to the next. So we are doing fine. Ted is saving a lot on gas and from eating in instead of out. We as a family are eating in more and watching our entertainment expenses (where we can tend to spend a lot). HOWEVER, it IS tempting to do something as a family when we find out he has the security of a job. One of the jobs would not start until January 15. Where do you go when you are experiencing frigid weather?? I wish this was happening at a different time. There IS Christmas break coming up.....hmmmm.

In Search of the Best Homemade Pizza

One of my latest crazes has been searching for the best homemade pizza. I decided that since most of my kids were picky eaters, and the whole family agrees on pizza, that I should try to learn how to make it myself. In the past I have made the Chef Boyardee pizzas and have bought pre-made pizza dough from Trader Joe's in addition to, of course, order out. I love Pizza Hut pan crust, but with our budget food days, it's not a good idea. The Chef Boyardee is good, and Trader Joe's is even butter, but I really wanted to learn how to do it myself.

My first attempt ended on a sour note. I was prepared enough to have my yeast, but forgot the pizza sauce and used spaghetti sauce instead. I also only had regular flour, and pre-shredded, bagged mozzarella cheese. Never use spaghetti sauce instead of pizza sauce! It did NOT have enough flavor. The cheese was dry and bland and ditto for the dough. The kids ate it, but not enthusiastically. It was too chewy.

My second attempt was much better! I used bread flour and block mozzarella cheese which I shredded myself. I also was prepared enough to have real pizza sauce. The dough even tasted better! My kids ate it with gusto. I was still slightly unsatisfied...and a little confused on the whole dough process. How long do I kneed it? How much flour is enough when it says to "add at your own discretion? How long do I let it rise if it is rapid rise yeast? And how do I get the dough to be crispier? I decided to borrow a bread machine. Remember those? The biggest kitchen craze in the 90's? I knew I could count on someone having theirs stored in the basement, gathering dust. Admit it. You have one doing just that. So I called my dad. It was in the basement, in the box. After the Atkins craze when they all but gave up bread, it got stored in the basement. He happily brought it up, bragging about what a good machine it was and how he did research to buy the best one (sounds a lot like me). He told me the name brand, "Zojirushi" and sure enough, I did a search on the internet and found my dad had bought the best one out there. He was glad to lend it to me and see it get some use.

I used a simple dough recipe. I wanted to start with something basic. 3 3/4 cups of bread flour, 1 1/2 tbsp sugar, 1 1/2 tsp salt, 2 tsp of rapid rise yeast, 1 1/2 cups of water, 1 1/2 tbsp olive oil. Throw it all into the bread pan and the machine does the rest of the thinking for you. It even warms it up before mixing and kneading. So cool! Rolling it out is a little tougher. You roll it...and it comes back in. You realize why the pizzarias throw their dough in the air and let gravity stretch it out. I tried getting my hands under the dough and it stretched much easier (I'll let you know when I get good enough to throw it in the air :-)

I cooked the dough first for 10 minutes at 400 and then put my toppings on. On the first pizza, I did your traditional pizza sauce, pepperoni and mozzarella. The second, I decided to get a little more creative with a garlic, butter, olive oil mixture, Italian Seasoning and mozzarella. I put them back in the oven for about 15 more minutes. When they came out... we tested them like food critics. It was yummy! They both were! I think I'm finally satisfied. I'm sure I'll be tweaking it here and there, but I think I've even satisfied the most hard to please critics in my house, my kids. Their verdict was easy to read....the two pizzas were eaten up! No left overs! I wish I could show pictures of the pizzas, but I forgot to take some. Next time I will.

Filling the Funnel

Things are happening on the job search front. Ted has 4 interviews lined up. Anyone who has been unemployed knows that it's a great pinnacle just to get to the interview. It's hard to get noticed these days in a sea of resumes. Many people will tell you "it's who you know". I always thought that sounded so exclusive and didn't really believe it, but I do believe that if a hiring manager can get a referral, they will more likely pursue that person first. There is less risk to hire someone you know, or someone who you trust knows, than to hire someone you don't know from Adam. All of our interviews came from knowing someone who referred us (or actually knowing the hiring manager as is the case at Ted's ex-job). Ted's been telling EVERYONE that he was laid off. At first, I was like, "Aren't you embarrassed? Isn't this humbling?"...."I'm filling the funnel", he said. Huh?

"It's a sales term. You pursue as much as you can, hoping something will stick", he said. You see, Ted's sales experience has been extremely helpful in looking for a job, only the product he's selling now is himself. He has two interviews tomorrow. One with AT&T over the phone for an account executive selling to businesses, and the other is a face to face with his ex-cable company for the same type of position. Then he has one Tuesday with AT&T for another position that was doing the same thing he did before (negotiating service agreements with apartment complex owners). The last one will be a phone interview for a pharmaceutical sales position. Phone interviews are popular because phone skills are important in sales.

Ted and I are excited. The funnel is filling! We almost feel overwhelmed with the possibilities...but who knows which ones will stick. We'll be happy to have a choice between two. This is when you just pray. You pray that God makes it obvious what direction you are supposed to go in. I find that if you just wait, the options become slimmer and then somehow you feel a peace at a certain place. Either it's the people you meet, that make you feel like that company is a comfortable fit, or it's just a feeling....or it's a negative experience that makes you rule one direction out. So we'll just wait and see.

Flickr

This is a test post from , a fancy photo sharing thing.

Better Than a Massage?

I love a clean house. I enjoy the process too. There is something very gratifying about taking something messy and making it clean. A clean house makes me feel good, inside and out. It makes me feel uncluttered and unburdened. I would love to be an organizer on Mission Organization and watch the client praise the end result. Cleaning is so controllable. If only I had the control to do it more often. The kids went to Parent's Day Out today, so it was my mission to get the house in tip-top shape. First, I focused on the kitchen: did the dishes, got rid of the clutter on the counter, wiped all the counters and table, and swept the floor. Ahhhhh...nothing like clutterless counters. It's rare in my house. I then went into the Family Room and put all the toys back into the lidded wicker basket that Mary loves to dump. I took a vacuum to that room. So much better! Next was the worse room in the house. But I decided to call my mom and go to lunch first. She was a happy participant. We went to the bread company where I had my latest favorite "lemon artichoke chicken panini". Doesn't that sound delicious? It was! I shared my house cleaning mission with my mom and guess what? She wanted to help! What a great mom. I told her about the loads and loads of laundry on my bedroom floor. Clean laundry, but unfolded. My mom helped me fold and put away approximately 3 loads of laundry! It's better than a massage, it's better than a spa treatment. It's free! (actually, some people pay for it) It's exhilarating! After that, I went through 3 bags of hand-me-down clothes. Those can tend to sit for a while...but now they have been properly sorted and stored away. I feel more ready for my weekend. I'm really looking forward to it.

A Tiring Morning

Whew! I am craaaabbbby today. What has put me in this mood? I don't know. Who ever really knows how we get to these places? Ted let me sleep in a little (7:15 am instead of the regular 6:30am when the first child gets up). So I guess my day started off good. But then different elements came in to make it frustrating and I must have been on a mushy foundation to begin with because I feel like a weak, negative woman. For some reason I really wanted to get the bathrooms cleaned first thing this morning. They've been bugging me and have been needing a good cleaning for a while now. I started on my first bathroom (1/2 bath...easy one) when Mary decided to "help". This meant she needed her own scrubbing pad. I proceed to get her one. Then I notice she is getting her pad soaked under the running water and then slops it on everything she wants to "wash". My socks get drenched as I walked around the floor while working on the bathroom. Ted "senses" (hears my loud, guttural cries of frustration and Mary's cries as I try to shoo her away from the bathroom), and steps in to rescue me by grabbing Mary and whisking her from the room.

Now that she is under his watchful care, and I am behind the shut door of my bedroom, I move on to the master bath. As I'm cleaning the bathroom, I'm reminded that my parents and in-laws will be using it this coming weekend while Ted and I go on a Marriage Encounter. They will each take a night watching the kids. I scrub with renewed vigor now that my cleaning has a bigger purpose. I clean the baseboards, the floors, the shower, and wipe down the door (darn those crayola marks that won't come off!). As a reward, I take a shower in my sparkling, clean shower.

I come out of my room with renewed confidence! After all, I had two clean bathrooms, along with my own clean self and was ready to face the day. That should make me happy, right? I relieve Ted and decide that since Mary is going to be clingy, I will just sit with her on the couch. I take my new Catechism and a highlighter because I think this will be a good time to prepare for my first meeting with my CRHP group studying the Catechism. Before I start the introduction, Mary says she wants a "crayon" too. She has already grabbed "her" own book (our Magnificat) and is ready to do what I'm doing. I go get her a highlighter, praising myself on being flexible and letting her mark up a book that will be finished at the end of the month anyway. As I start reading, she is happily highlighting away. Mary loves to color. Anything. Ted and I will often joke about this. We'll say she is making her own notes and will pretend she has something important to say. We'll especially do this when she is marking up one of our own papers. Recently, Ted made a chart of his monthly sales compared to his quota for each month this past year. It looked really important. Mary scribbled all over it. I brought it to Ted and told him Mary had some thoughts on the subject. It brings a good laugh. Anyway, I digress. So Mary decides she is board with her book and wants to color mine. She reaches across and swipes my page with a big, pink, highlighted stroke. *sigh* I can't even read!! I push my Catechism away with frustration.

Mary gets bored and starts doing her usual calisthenics over my legs. She falls back and bumps her forehead on the edge of the coffee table. I curse to myself as a see a raised ridge already forming, knowing that I'll have to put off her 2 year old portraits for yet another week (they've already been put off a couple of times for various marks on her face).

While I sit with Mary in my lap, stewing over my lack of freedom, Ben comes upstairs with his legs spread apart like one of those kids who wears corrective shoes with a pole connecting the two feet (remember those?). Anyway, he waddles in with a big wet spot on his pants that goes down to his knees and even up to his belly. "Mommy I pooped!", he says. I take him back to the biggest bathroom that will handle this mess...my newly cleaned master bath. At first I delicately try to strip him, keeping myself away from the mess, but soon found that was impossible. Pushing out the poop caused a flood of urine so he was drenched with both. The poop was so mushy it had exploded from his underpants up his lower back. And as I peeled off the layers, the poop slides all the way down his legs, smearing the back of them with a thick layer. YUCK. Even Ben was holding his nose, it smelled so bad. Mary had to come in and watch of course. She has to be a part of the action, ALWAYS. She often makes her little observatory comments like, "Ben poop" and "That's messy", etc., etc. I should have thrown him directly into the tub after that, but I knew that Mary would have to jump in with him and I didn't want to deal with that. Instead, I sudsed up a washcloth and drenched him with it to clean him up as best as I could. I threw his underwear in the toilet to soak. While I'm working away on Ben, Mary decides to flush the toilet..."NO!!!" I yell. I saved Ben's underwear before it got flushed away. Ted comes in again to rescue me. Sometimes I tell myself how nice it would be to sit at the computer looking for a job all morning like he does. It looks so peaceful. But I know I'm telling myself lies in the heat of frustration. He takes Mary out of the room (once again) so I can finish the task at hand. Ben is crying and disgusted by the whole thing. My bathroom now had a new sent that replaced the clean, fresh one. It wreaked with the smell of poop.

After cleaning Ben up, I washed my hands as good as I could, but nothing could erase the faint smell of poop on my hands. I resumed my position on the couch with Mary. Ted walks in the room and tells me that his friend from the old job wanted to go to lunch. Ted is well aware of my poor mood and was treading very carefully. "Whatever, that's fine", I say...knowing that my tone was negative and downtrodden. He promises to give me a break this afternoon before quickly taking a shower and heading out the door before I can change my mind. Not that I would. I know he needs to get out just as much as I do.

I fixed my lunch as well as the kids. I confirmed Ben's order of Peanut Butter and Jelly, cut in squares instead of the usual triangles. When I put it before him, he said, "I wanted triangles!" and refused to eat it. I told him he was not getting triangles when he asked for squares and he needed to eat it the way it was. He then cried and said he wanted a hot dog. Not today...I thought to myself. I have nerves of steel and I am NOT budging. "No, you need to eat your peanut butter and jelly". Crying ensued. I listed through my whole lunch as waves of the poop smell still radiated from Ben. He left the table and went downstairs. I ate the rest of my meal in a grumbly mood. Ben comes back upstairs and wants a brownie. "Not until you eat your sandwich", I say. I cries some more...until finally backing from my former resolve, I make him the cotton pickin' hot dog just so he would eat something. All is well and peace is restored. And somehow, blogging about it makes me feel much better. Even though, this whole time has been interrupted filling up sippy cups, making a hot dog, changing Mary's poopy diaper (looked just like Ben's...mushy and orangish), and watching Mary remove all the contents of my purse and doing who knows what to my Palm. It was worth it.

No Good Thing Does He Withhold

Yesterday's scripture on my daily scripture calendar really hit home. "For the Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord bestows favor and honor; no good thing does he withhold from those whose walk is blameless. O Lord Almighty, blessed is the man who trusts in you." Psalm 84:11-12.

With Ted's current state of unemployment, it felt good to know that no good thing will be withheld from us. Ted's starting to let some of his hurt feelings surface. He doesn't get carried away...he'll just voice his frustration. His anger is not with God, but the people who let him go. How could this happen? He worked so hard! Is this the payment he gets? You could say that he just didn't feel it was fair...that he was...blameless. The next day gave us this scripture message. In the shower this morning (all of my good thinking is done in the shower), I was pondering the whole idea of "God doesn't make bad things happen to people", he allows them to happen. "God always works good for those who love the Lord." I've heard these statements a lot. And I believe them. I believe that some things may happen that seem bad, but God always has the greater good in mind. I do think it happens to go well with my optimistic, hopeful nature to believe these statements, too. I simply want to believe them with all I have.

When a bad thing happens, I always try to figure out why. Don't they also say, "Everything happens for a reason"?. I hate it when people say this to someone to make them feel better because I think it is a week, pat answer. Something you don't want to hear when you are truly saddened by something. However, I must really believe that statement, because I'm trying to analyze God's big picture to figure out why this is happening to us. Yes, me in my measly, small, human mind...I'm trying to figure out God's big picture. One of the things I've concluded is that maybe he didn't want us at that cable company anymore. He figured there was a better place for Ted...so he allowed some new VP to come in and lay off, at will, who he deemed wasn't necessary for the company's success. When I think of what happened, I feel hurt, but when I think of God being the orchestrator of the event, then it feels like we are walking a path that God is paving. And that feels much better. So I'm going to continue to think of it that way. We don't know where it's going...but I have to believe it is good. Because God is good. And "no good thing does he withhold from those whose walk is blameless".

Trying On Some New Clothes

Every now and then, don't you like to try a new look? I really was never into that hot pink look, but I didn't have to look at it as much as you do. When I type, my screen looks different and I'm not actually viewing my blog. Blogger has some new templates I thought I would try on for size. It might change a little as I go, but this is it for now. I rarely have time to play with these things so I don't have cool features like other people do. I wish I could play with it more. Some day I will. I guess. I'm really just into the functionality of the whole thing. I like to be able to express myself.

We kinda had a bummer day yesterday. Ted learned yesterday, that signing that "non-complete clause" is really going to put a thorn in our sides. He talked to a lawyer and found out it is a binding contract that holds up in court. So let me get this straight...you take away my husband's job before the holidays and then you are going to tell him that he can't go into the field that is our livelihood?? Is this fair? He had to sign it in order to get our severance. We needed that! So we were bummed. The one job he really wants is a big corporation who is expanding into Ted's old company's field. He's had two interviews with a smaller company and they seem to like Ted. We aren't really interested, but he's trying to keep all doors open. Anyway, he has a good rapport with this guy at the smaller company and the guy asked him to sign a note that says he is not under a non compete clause. Ted told him he was under a non compete clause. At first the guy said to not worry about it and they'll proceed with interviewing until things get serious and then they'll discuss it some more. Well, we found out today that he would not be hired unless he signed that note. So basically, Ted would have to lie so the company can cover their own butts. Ted asked the guy what they do as a company when their ex-employees go to competitors. He said they don't do anything unless they notice the ex-employers are soliciting their customers. Then they give them a warning...and probably pursue it further after that.

So this gets a little harry. It's almost like we have no choice but to go into a separate field or go back to his old employer. If he did go back, he would continue looking...but still...we feel backed into a corner and it was THEM that put US in this situation! So why would we go back? For several reasons, 1) a paycheck! 2) familiarity--knows the company and product well 3) sales and not management--more secure...less likely to be laid off again 4) would be able to keep tenure and vacation 5) His would-be boss is his friend 6) If his old employer is working so hard on streamlining...might it be a more stable company? 7) Ted liked working there

Through out all of this, we feel very firmly that God is leading us every step of the way...not in a showy "aren't we such good Christians? way", but in a matter of fact "this is just what we believe in the core of our beings" way. It feels good to know that we aren't on our own in all of this. We don't have to figure it all out for ourselves. God has it figured out and we just have to hope we don't get in His way. That's why we don't shut doors. Something that might seem ridiculous in our mind to pursue, just might be exactly what God has in mind. For example, for some reason we keep getting leads and information on the Pharmaceutical Sales field. Ted has no experience in that arena and it doesn't seem like a normal fit for Ted, but we're getting an awful lot of help and information from people in the field. Because the "door" on competitors seems to be shutting because of this non-compete clause, it's opening the door on the Pharmaceutical Sales arena. So far, this is what we're looking at:

1) Go back to old cable employer and work for friend
2) Work for competition...but in constant fear that you are doing something bad and you could get in trouble. Feel like it's unethically correct?
3) Go into different field (Pharmaceutical Sales?) Could always come back to cable industry after one year expires (when non-compete is no longer in effect)

There is one problem with #1. Man, this is complicated. His friend that would be his boss is really wanting Ted to work as a contractor for a new company he wants to start. He's come into a lot of many from inheriting his dad's business and wants to start his own company while working for his current company. HUH?? Talk about conflict of interest! No way! This would be like Ted doing #2, but in my eyes, worse. I spoke up, of course, and Ted listened. I think he sees the same pitfalls I do. We hope his friend/boss won't slow down #1 so the friend/boss can pursue his own dreams of his new business that heavily involves Ted selling for him. This just makes me want to go for #3. Are you confused yet?? I am. Ted is meeting Sunday night with the friend/boss about this new company venture thing. He's drawn up a business plan and is really serious. Great. I'll keep you updated.

Back from the Crop!!

I'm back! My crop weekend was awesome. I didn't know the people really well and that turned out to be a big plus...because I was ON A MISSION! Instead of it being a big, chatty, fun weekend with the girls, it was a big, croppin', productive weekend with my albums! OK. I'll stop with the exclamation points...I just love them so much!!! :-) So what did I accomplish? I wanted to come back and report some great numbers to you, and I do have some great numbers. *Drumroll* Ben's album? I had left Ben's album off at one year and now he is caught up! Mary's album? I left her's at her baptism (which before a week ago, her album wasn't even started), and now? It's caught up! And my family album...I worked on that one last and managed to go from October to December of 2005. If you count the 200 pictures placed into Mary's album, 280 into Ben's and 54 that were put into the family album, you have a grand total of 534 pictures that were cropped and put into albums!! And I have 860 to go, which seems like an awful lot, but I made a huge dent. My next mission will be to catch up Sam and Abby who are both 2 years behind and the family album which is 11 months behind. I'm hoping to find some way to regularly work on this. I'll continue cropping the pictures after the little ones go down and that should help.

A Snapshot

I don't know if this picture will show up. It's not showing up right now, but I'm going to try it anyway. I needed an updated picture for my profile because my hair is much longer. Anyway, let's get to the snapshot.

What's at the top of my to-do list?
--Make huge strides on my crop weekend this weekend, by catching up with my albums
--Crop the rest of my family photos before leaving tomorrow tonight
--Catch up on laundry
--Bring lunch to my sister, Lisa tomorrow at school

What have I accomplished?
--I've cropped all of Ben and Mary's pictures and half of the family album pictures
--I've cleaned out a drawer in my dresser that, for two years, collected Mary's memorabilia (from birth, baptism, etc), portrait studio pictures and other odds and ends. I finally set aside a "special box" for Mary like all the other kids have, and her memorabilia has been properly stored in it. I separated all the portraits and stored them in each kids boxes (rubbermaid storage containers that are kept in their closets).
--I cleaned out another "temporary holding spot" full of stuff to put in the kids' special boxes (report cards, Iowa testing results, artwork).
--Survived the first two weeks of Ted being layed off. Our Living Room has become the “Command Center” for Ted. The computer Ben usually plays on has become Ted’s and has been updated with all of his business contacts and other contacts for potential job opportunities. He’s added a lamp near the desk to see better and makes all his important phone calls from there. He has a phone interview with a telecommunications company tomorrow morning at 9am. It will be an hour long. I will have to vanish with the kids to the basement so Ted can pretend he is a serious, potential employee instead of a Dad at home with his rambunctious children. He has another interview on Monday with a head hunter. Ted has impressed me with how he has been handling everything. He seems to be focused on the big task at hand, finding a job. He spends most of his mornings on the phone and sending out e-mail. In the afternoons he helps around the house. In the beginning, he seemed a little antsy, a little lost as to where to start. Now he his paths are layed and it’s like we are sending out fishing lines in all different directions. I asked Ted if this was overwhelming to one minute be talking to someone about pharmaceuticals and the next to someone about telecommunications. He said he just feels like he's trying them all and waiting to see which one sticks. Mmmmmm...interesting method.

What's bugging me?
--I feel a little weird continuing with adopting a needy family to buy presents for this year because Ted doesn’t have a job. What do you stop and what do you continue? I feel like these people are worse off than our family even considering our circumstances, therefore we should do it. I didn’t hesitate to buy for my own family (luckily most of the shopping was already finished), so why shouldn’t I buy for them? We have worked really hard not to eat out and do any other “frivolous spending” so, in all this cutting back, it feels weird to step out of that mode and buy for them. But I just listened to the Gospel this past Sunday that talked about the poor widow giving everything she had when the rich people only gave a small portion of what they had. That pretty much affirmed we were doing the right thing by keeping the commitment.

What's my latest obsession?
--Steady cropping in the evenings. It’s working! I’m getting caught up and I’ll be ready to put all the cropped pictures in the albums. We’ll see how many of them actually make it in this weekend. My goal is to catch up Ben’s, Mary’s and the Family’s albums.

What's been making me happy?
--Having Ted around is so nice. Even when he is busy working, it's just nice to have him around.
--I'm glad Ted was in sales. It seems like you can take sales experience to many different types of jobs and Ted is discovering many options. The last time he was layed off (yes...this happened before...eight years ago) we had no idea where to go because he wanted to switch fields. He interviewed for a sales job with no sales experience. I'm so glad they hired him despite this. Now he has a valuable and adaptable skill. Let's hope he can put it to use again!

Scrapbooking...By The Numbers

I don't know if you know this, but I'm a numbers gal. I'm not as much as person that enjoys calculating, as I am a person who enjoys the meaning of the number itself. I love averages and percentages because they tell me something. Numbers are black and white. You can make them lie if you want, but typically they don't. I decided to get some information by finding the "numbers" on my scrapbooking. They are sobering. Please read on if you dare:

10 --# of years I have been cropping
10--# of family albums completed
12 1/2--# of family albums that would be completed if I was caught up
40 --average number of pages I put in an album (80 sides)
5--average number of pictures I put on one side
1567--# of pictures I took in 2005
715--# of pictures I printed in 2005 for my family album
54--% of pictures I printed out of the pictures I took in 2005
1383--# of pictures I have taken so far in 2006
370--# of pictures I actually printed for my family album in 2006 so far
27--% of pictures I printed out of the ones I took in 2006
6-12--# of months each family album holds
5--# of years Sam's first album holds
4--# of years Abby's first album holds
2--# of years Sam's second album will hold when I'm caught up
1 1/2--# of years Abby's second album will hold when I'm caught up
1--# of years I'm behind in my family album
2--# of years I'm behind in each of my kids albums
1340--# of pictures that are printed and need to be put in albums
280--# of Ben's pictures
260--# of Abby's pictures
200--# of Sam's pictures (eyeballed it...was sick of counting pictures)
200--# of Mary's pictures (I started her album last night! 12 sides complete!!)
400--# of Family pictures
12--# of sides I completes at my last cropnight with distractions in 3 1/2 hours
15--approx # of minutes it took me to complete each album page (side).
65--# of hours it will take me to catch up figuring 1340 pictures at 5 pics a page at 15 minutes a page

I know. I went a little overboard. I can't wait to crop this coming weekend and bring some of those "behind" numbers down and some of those "finished" numbers up. I know I won't be all caught up after the crop weekend, but I hope to make a huge dent in it. I will come back and report all new numbers!

Ted Home, Babysitting, Cropping...

This morning, I slept in until 8am! I could get used to this! I wake up and the dishwasher is running, Ben is happily playing downstairs and... where is Mary? I remember not too long ago when I was awakened every morning with Mary climbing all over me. With Ted at home, the landscape is so different! Yesterday, the garage was our focus. It had leaves all over the floor of it, cobwebs on the window, bikes everywhere and stuff in our walkway. The night before we discussed how we'd like to change it...hang the bikes on the wall, move some low shelving that took up valuable space, move the little refrigerator closer to the door, etc., etc. So yesterday, we were ready to work. We kept Mary home from Parent's Day Out because of a nasty cold and low grade fever so I couldn't be as helpful as I had planned, but Ted worked on it most of the day. Today, the garage is fully swept, everything is off the floor and it looks so much better. I feel so much better. Next is the storage room. These are the two places in my house that I put off. The storage room is easy to put off because I don't see it much. I can forget about how much junk is in there and how the space could be better used and organized. We've never had time like this with Ted around. As much as we don't like the fact he is unemployed, we love having him at home!!

Today, Ted is going to run up to his former place of employment, turn in his signed agreement about the terms of his severance, turn in some mileage, and meet some friends for lunch. I'm glad he's getting out. I don't want him to feel like I'm totally strapping him down with house projects! He's waiting to hear when his interview will be for the other position in the company. It should be sometime this week. He had called yesterday and talked to his friend (the hiring manager), and he said that the VP (that layed off Ted) told them to go ahead and bring Ted in for an interview while they were waiting for the job to get officially reposted. He seems to really want Ted back on, which is just really confusing to me. Even if he gets employed at the same job again, we will always have one eye looking out for something else with more of a future.

On to other topics...I can't believe that in one week, I will be watching my neice for the first time as my sister goes back to work! It is very hard for her to deal with this. She really wants to stay at home but they can't afford it right now. It's still their goal. Every Friday I will watch little Leah and I'm curious to see how this goes. I'm anxious to have this time with her and I think it will be different but good to have a little baby for one day a week. I wouldn't want to do it every day, but this should work fine.

On the crop front...almost every night after the little ones go down, I'm getting out my box of pictures that are all organized, and cropping them. I'm cropping for five albums at a time: one for each child and one family album for me. I'm VERY behind. I've done maybe one or two crop weekends since Ben and Mary were born but that's about it. Cropping took a low priority when they came along. I always told myself when I was bothered by this, it'll be there when I'm ready. I'M READY! I'm using my upcoming crop weekend as an excuse to buckle down and get my pictures ready for the weekend. Here's my method: When I order my pictures online, I order one for my album, and I make extra copies for all the ones that I want in each kids albums. I make thumbprint printouts (black and white, because I only need it for reference) of all the pictures with the date printed under each one (with a digital camera, this is easy). When I get my pictures, I divide them up by album with little labled dividers and they are stored in a fabric covered box. In this box, I keep scissors, small circle and oval cutters, a small cutting mat, and a picture trimmer along with the photos themselves. Whenever I want to crop, I grab this box and move it to a table (lately it's been my coffee table in the family room...I like cropping with people around and watching T.V.). I shape all my pictures based on the picture. I cut out any extra space and I make circles and ovals out of anything that's conducive to it. A page looks better with the softness of at least one circle or oval. I don't corner round right now because it takes too much time. While I'm catching up, I'm keeping the corners the way they are. Once my pictures are all cropped, I wait for a crop night or crop weekend to put them on pages. This takes up more space and I think it's a pain to unpack and pack every time, so I like to have bigger blocks of time to do this part. It goes so quickly because my pictures are all ready! I'm not a fancy cropper. I use colored paper for accents and I journal a little with dates and names when necessary. That's it. I rarely use stickers or extra embellishments. I just want to get the page done and I really want the focus to be on the pictures, not the other stuff. On a crop weekend, I can get so much done because of my simplistic approach. My crop weekend is in a week and a half. I'll let you know how much I get done. Mary's album hasn't even been started yet...*cringe*.

"A Separation of Employment"

That's what they called it anyway. I call it a layoff, but they said technically it's not a layoff. A layoff is when you can you could possibly be rehired for the same job. A "separation of employment" is not being fired, but being "let go". And this is what happened to Ted just 2 days ago. He came home from work on Mary's birthday and called me into our bedroom and shut the door behind him. Since we hardly shut doors in our house I would normally begin to question what was going on but he blurted it out before I had time to think. He told me he got layed off. What??? Oh my gosh. It was the last thing I expected him to say.

The past month has been stressful for Ted at work. It's a long story that I won't go into here, but basically they were questioning his pay structure and agreements made in the past on how they would handle commission on a couple of big deals. Well, Ted's boss, who documented this, moved on to another job in July. Ted's boss's boss got layed off about a month ago. He got a lot of questioning during that time with no one else to stand up for the decisions made. The VP who layed him off said this had nothing to do with his lay off and ended up paying him all the commissions that were witheld for 5 weeks. This is now our security blanket. The VP said it was nothing personal. He's a great employee (what does he know? he's not even been in the company that long!) but that he couldn't justify his salary in a management position where he only supervised 4 people. He told him he would give a good recommendation for any job he might be interested in, inside or outside of the company. I think, much to the surprise of the VP, Ted was very calm about the whole thing and said he understood.

You see, Ted has felt almost like things were too good to be true anyway. He used to do the job he eventually managed. He was the only one doing it and the first one in this region to do it. Originally, his job paid a low salary and commission was more than half of what he made. We welcomed the change to management so he could make a higher salary and not rely on commission so much. Everything seemed perfect. But to a new executive coming into the company it didn't make sense. There were other managers managing so many more people.

On paper, it was not justified. But Ted is so much more than what you see on paper. He's dependable, trustworthy, loyal, ethical and fair. All the things you want in an employee. I'm not saying this because I'm his wife. I really believe this. He was such a good boss to his people. His staff looked shocked when they found out. One girl cried. If you knew Ted, you would know why. He would be the last person you would think would be let go. There was a salesperson that he supervised that was a poor performer...a problem passed on to him. He was on a final written warning. Couldn't they have just demoted Ted and let go of him? There are so many things that don't make sense.

I thought of all of these things before I went to bed that night. And just cried. It didn't make sense. And then I remembered, people don't always make sense. If God is behind something, however, it always makes sense to Him. We may not know the plan...but it's there...and better laid out than anything we could think of with our small human minds. God does not lead us somewhere only to abandon us. He is with us ALWAYS. I truly believe this.

I still mourned his job that night. His baby that grew into a small department. All that knowledge almost feels like a waste now. I think my pride was crushed. I have so much pride for Ted and his job and how it has provided for our family. I am a stay at home mom because of his job. We have a beautiful home in a beautiful neighborhood...all thanks to his job. We have free cable, free high speed internet, discounted phone and his cell phone is a work phone paid for by the company. Fortunately, we get 4 months severance with full benefits including all the perks until the end of four months.

Here's the part that keeps us hopeful. There is a job opening for a Senior Account Executive that his good friend in the company is hiring for. Ted is totally qualified for the job and the salary is the same that Ted is making now without managing people! He called his friend and found out that they had the job posted and didn't like any of the people they interviewed. The posting expired and they were in the process of reposting. They said the job is his if he wants it. What a gift! The VP who let him go, sped up the paperwork to get it re-posted right away (I think he's operating under some guilt). As much as this seems like a sure thing, with all the right people supporting him, I know if God doesn't want it...it won't happen. We know from experience that sure things are not always sure things. So we'll see.

This all seems like a jumbled mess of thoughts. It's a weird place to be. I love having Ted at home with me, especially since we have a job prospect. We look at each other funny when we remember our situation and he's not getting ready to go to work. We don't usually take vacation unless we are on vacation or it's the holidays and it's crazy anyway. Having Ted home indefinately feels surreal. It's very relaxing right now. He's there to help me with the kids, chores, and carpool. I'm not living in a bubble. I know that this can get old if it goes on too long... that I could look at his presence as an irritant if he is not actively looking for a job. I've heard so many stories from other people. We don't know what will happen. The future is a big question mark. If he gets this job, then our change will be minimal. But he's open to changing companies if need be. This might be the opportunity. I believe that God uses situations like these to make us change something we normally wouldn't. We are praying that we do what He wants us to do and that He guides us to where He wants Ted to be.

We are trying to look at this time as opportunity to relax, and do some things around the house. We plan on cleaning a little bit of the storage room every day and getting into the garage on my "day off" tomorrow. I don't want to cram his time with housework, but I can already see him getting a little bored. However, my little mind of opportunity is dreaming up ways to make the most of this situation since I have someone who can watch the kids when I need it! Ted is thinking about things like going to the school masses, and eating lunch with the kids. I'm thinking about visiting the local boutique ("Yah, but you can't spend any money!"....my lovely neighbor reminds me), visiting my sister for lunch at the school she works...things we normally can't do easily. We're caught up on most of our doctor appointments, but we do have some dental visits in December we might move up because things work differently on Cobra.

Ultimately I understand why Ted was moved from his position, my one frustration was that I wish the reward he got for being a good employee would have been the company not letting him go until they relocated him somewhere else in the company. That would have shown Ted's worth. It's frustrating to see poor performers keep their jobs because they are more in line with the budget. Ted's not focusing on this part, however. He told me he tries not to. "If I think about it too much," he said, "I would get angry, and that won't do any good." Ha. I'm obviously not made of the stuff he's made of.

Well, I have to draw this long blog to a close, but if you read this and are a prayer, please pray that Ted is led in the right direction. Thank you!

One last thing, I'm having a problem with my spell checker lately (something to do with pop-ups), I apologize for any spelling errors. Also, this was written on the 4th and posted on the 6th (had to notify others first).

Happy Birthday and Happy Halloween

If you only saw my first picture (the one with all four), you might assume we are glorious in our perfection. I chuckle at the thought. I can't say things went all that bad. I just happen to know that Ben couldn't wait to get out of that french fry costume. We must have tried three costumes on the boy...but he's a child of habit and familiarity...and wearing big, bulky costumes is not his habit and is not familar. I tried everything..."Ben, you have to wear a costume to get candy"...."You can't go trick or treating unless you wear a costume". It was like it fell on deaf ears..."Mom, can I come with you". Ted said, "Just let him go as he is"..."As he is???? You can't do that! The whole reason you GET the candy is because you are in costume!". I eventually came up with the sign idea. It made me feel better. I could say, "See? I tried!". On his back was a sign that said, "Stubborn 3 Year Old".

The kids loved his signs. They wanted to show them to every home owner. They were sad when we had to drop off Ben and Mary at home because they were done. It's fun to share a joke with your kids. In a way, they are our cohearts. They know how we struggle sometimes with Ben and Mary. They see everything...sometimes they're with us on the ride of frustration. I'm constantly reminded that we are being watched and I need to set a good example. One of those examples is how we deal with Ben and Mary during trying times. I love humor. It makes everything better. It's funny, because Mary LOVED her costume. She even wore it the next day!

A couple of days before Halloween, we celebrated Mary's 2nd birthday with our families. The kids all dressed in costumes and all of the adults brought a bag of candy to distribute among the kids. It was really fun. I had chili, chicken chili, and the fixins to make chili dogs, chili nachos, etc. Mary sang along to Happy Birthday and blew out her own candle for the first time. She got lots of Dora presents and a grocery cart with fake food.

A Snapshot

What's at the top of my to-do list?
--Renew my focus on cropping to get ready for my crop weekend in 3 weeks. This means I have to develop lots of pictures and start cropping the ones I have already developed (hundreds). When I go to a weekend, my focus is on putting the pictures to a page and embellishing (what little I do). I usually have them cropped and organized already so I can make the most of my time there. I can't do this with Mary around. I have to do this when she is in bed. I'm hoping I can make it a little bed time routine...put Mary down and then crop pictures in front of the TV with Ted.
--Relax...don't worry about anything

What have I accomplished?
--Just had Mary's birthday party last night. Phew. Three fall birthdays and parties--D*O*N*E
I just want to live a little and enjoy not having something large looming in the horizon. Yes the holidays are coming up but I have already done most of my family's Christmas shopping and I can enjoy the rest of it gradually.
--Successfully led my second Children's Liturgy. Hopefully it will soon feel like an old shoe and I won't worry about it so much.

What's bugging me?
--Hmmmm...I don't know. I'm a little brain dead. Um, nothing huge right now.

What's my latest obsession?
--I don't seem to wait long after something is finished before moving on to the next project. This one I find more enjoyable and less burdensome....cropping. I can't wait to sink my teeth into this. I hate keeping my pictures waiting. The longer I wait, the more I'll have to do later. But I also know that I just can't make it a priority when there are so many other things to take care of. It has it's time and place. Now is a good time to try and squeeze it in.

What's been making me happy?
--We've committed to a Marriage Encounter weekend the first weekend in December and already arranged babysitting with the grandparents. A weekend with Ted! It feels so long ago!
--Having the fall birthdays done. Next one is in May. Don't get me wrong...I enjoy them, it's just a lot in 5 weeks.
--My crop weekend coming up!
--I'm having more fun with Ben and Mary. They feel less of a burden and just more enjoyable. Mary has more toys now so I hope she can keep herself busier.
--The beautiful fall day today! It is gorgeous outside. I visited my mom and sister and we took a walk and played outside with the kids. It was fun!
--Ted is working with a travel agent through work to book us a trip to Jamaica mon! We are aiming for the first week in June. I can't wait to spend this time with him! We haven't been on a trip like this since the kids have been born and have never been to an all inclusive resort! I can't wait! We will be celebrating 15 years of marriage in June.

Mary

Right after I say all this stuff about Mary...what does she do? She proves me wrong. I pigeon-holed her into this child who does nothing if it doesn't involve me. One who obsesses over where I am at all times and needs to be right in my face or right on my lap. While this is true most of the time, today it was not. She actually went downstairs with Ben!!! Without me!! I couldn't believe it. I started having fantasies about how this could happen someday more often.

I watched her today and saw what she played with. She picked up a book, paged through it. She brought it to me to read to her and I read as she turned about five pages at a time before I was finished with the page I was on. She picked up Ben's trains and rode around with those. She rode his hotwheels cars around on the coffee table. Is my daughter a tomboy? She never plays with the toys I have in the room for her.

She could be your typical girl...a social player. No one else is playing with the dolls...why should she? She wants to do what she sees us do. She wants to play with the broom when I sweep. She wants to talk on my cell phone. She wants to brush her teeth with MY toothbrush. I was using my palm pilot and I saw her watching me with my cell phone in her hand and she tapped on the screen with a pen as I would use my stylus. So funny! She is constantly scribbling on paper with a pen or crayon. She comes in when Ben goes potty so she can "supervise" him like I do. But she really doesn't play with toys. She'll empty my drawers, she'll unroll the toilet paper roll and she'll chew gum and spit it out wherever she wants. She poors out cereal and goldfish and drinks bottled water like a drunken guzzler...but the girl doesn't play with toys.

Mary's birthday is November 2nd. My last fall birthday to plan. I've already told the relatives she likes to imitate and things like a broom and dustpan, grocery cart with fake food, and other imitation type toys should work. She loves Dora...so I was thinking the little Dora Doll House. Hopefully I can some of this shopping done on my "day off".

For her party, I'm thinking Chili. Chili, Chicken Chili, chili nachos, chili mac, chili dogs. The fixins for all. I could make it in advance which should be pretty easy. This week will be preparation for that and then I'm done with birthdays until Spring when Ben turns 4!

A Snapshot

First, I want to say that I typed up a snapshot and Blogger somehow failed me and I lost it (Why isn't there an autosave function??!!). One of my least favorite things to do is to recapture thoughts that I painstakingly wrote down, at length. That is not fun. I usually have to get up and move on to something else when that happens. I did that on October 13th and never came back. *Sigh*

How do I balance it? My living of life with the reflecting on it? I get so much joy out of sharing myself with others like I do in this blog. I just find sometimes that there are so many things I need to do and they all overwhelm every pocket of my multidimensional thoughts! I don't have a lot of "spare" time. Mary still dominates me. I realized lately that she does not go off and "play". She clings to me and follows me around all day. I don't mind the following...because that at least allows me to function at something. Sometimes, however, she dominates. Which means, when I sit, she climbs into my lap and demands attention, or keeps me from focusing on anything else but her. She'll jump all over me, climb on my back, pull my hair. I know what she is doing and I know it is manipulative and sometimes I just want some FRESH AIR! I also know, it is a stage and it too, shall pass. I can type this right now because she is napping. The naptimes become very valuable and I squeeze whatever I can into those short time-frames. So Stacey, because you spoke up, here is a snapshot!

What's at the top of my to-do list?
--Halloween costumes. I mix buying them with making them. Ben and Mary are using hand-me-down m&m's and McDonald's french fry costumes. Sam is going to be some sort of Viking and Abby will be a dog. For Sam, I bought a really cool sheild for $10 and a pick ax for $3. I'm making his cape and helmet and boots. Abby started with a little puppy dog headpeice that gives her ears and a nose and I have to fill in the rest with some sort of homemade jumpsuit and I don't have a pattern!
--Getting ready for Mary's birthday party on Sunday!
--Enjoying me time

What have I accomplished?
--MY CRHP RETREAT!!! I want to yell it from the mountain tops! I gave my talk and led music. It all went really well. Our meetings for 6 months are over. I thought I would feel a huge sense of relief, but I'm surprised by a bit of sadness on the fringes of that relief.
--Planned and executed Sam's birthday party (10 years old now) with the Domino's 5-5-5 deal. We did 6 pizzas and 3 orders of chicken kickers! It was great but added up. I made apple crisp and bought a cookie cake from the local grocer. It worked out great!
--Planned and held Sam's overnighter. He invited over his cousin and three classmates. We had a tournament of games with the winner winning an EB games gift card. We had the following games --Hoops Shoot-- Best of 7 baskets from 7 locations. --Closest to the Pin--Our front yard made the fairway and a broom stick as our flag pole. They each got three shots. Then we broke for pizza (yes, more pizza, Sam's favorite food). We came back to the tournament with a competition for the fastest speed on GranTourismo, a PS2 game. After that, we followed with Connect Four, Lego building contest and Dominos. It was a blast!!! I would do it all over again.
--Led my first Children's Liturgy. This sounds simple, but leading up to it I typed up all the Children's songs and added chords for guitar. I also typed up lyric sheets and made 18X24 inch enlargements to be hung on the wall. I wrote my reflection on the Gospel and came up with a visual. I showed how when you only think of yourself and do things only for yourself, it's like building a big tower. It's lonely, a weak structure, and there's no room for God to dwell there. I demonstrated this with Megabloks. I used a square block and added to my tower whenever they gave me ideas of how they can put themselves first. Then I showed them a building. I added a block for every idea they had for serving others. I showed how this structure is stronger and I showed them how it gives room for God to dwell. I then gave them each a block with a label that said, "I'm building God's kingdom by helping others". Whew. Yes, I get into this stuff 100%. But this idea came to me when I couldn't sleep. I don't expect this creativity to hit me every time. In fact, next week, Jesus cures the blind man. I have nothing coming to mind. Oh well. It will come.

Can you see why I haven't blogged in a while? I've been busy!

What's bugging me?
--Ben still pooping in the underpants. But I don't give him grief. I accept that he's not ready. I've heard one day they just make the decision they want to do it. It can't be forced.

What's my latest obsession?
--eBay shopping for Christmas. I've gotten most of my presents on ebay. I'm almost done shopping for my family.

What's been making me happy?
--Everything. My life is so rich. I feel so grateful. I'm having more fun with Ben and Mary now they are getting just that little bit older. Sam and Abby are helping me with Children's Liturgy and it makes me feel so good to know that this may influence them when they are older...just knowing the joys of volunteering. I feel like I'm sharing myself with others now. Of course, my first priority is my family...but there is so much joy in branching outside of my home. Last night, we spontaneously invited my sister Becky and her husband and baby, my mom and dad and Ted's mom and dad over for the first World Series game. We ordered carry out wings, and everyone else brought over chips, dips, cookies, drinks...and we had so much fun! It was capitilized by the Cards winning!! Now I need to start working on costumes....BYE!

A Sad, Heavy Friend

These thoughts came to me this morning. Maybe it was because I was reflecting on the talk I gave on retreat this weekend (more of that to come later). In my talk, I whisked over my post-partum depression. I think, looking back, that I didn't describe it well enough. There is only so much time and there were many aspects of my life that I wanted to share, so I don't know that I would change it, but I know there was so much more than what I said. I guess it was in this state of mind that I started reflecting on it this morning. This is what came to my mind:

Depression is like a sad, heavy friend. She wasn't invited. She came with no warning. Sometimes she seeps slowly into your life and sometimes she suddenly grips you and doesn't let go. She clings to you until you don't know where you end...and she begins. In fact, you forget you used to be a lighter, happier, mobile person. Her heaviness becomes familiar, as do all the traits she brings with her. She brought me bitterness, jealousy, and self pity. She made me feel like I couldn't escape. That I was trapped. Trapped with young children who depended on me who left me little air to breathe for myself. Whether it's reality or not, it's how I felt. Now that I look back and have reflected on it countless times, I see my depression as situational. My personality, mixed with the conflicts my situation brought...made a huge cocktail for depression. Here are the first ingredients:

I don't ask for help
I don't feel entitled to be helped
I take on my burdens myself and don't want to "bother" others
I have high expectations for myself
I am very self analytical
I am social and like to be around people
I also like time to myself to read, write, veg out
I don't want people to feel like I can't "handle it"
I love to bring joy to others and make them laugh
I want my kids to have well rounded, healthy lives with activities that promote this

Mix the above with two school aged children a clingy, high maintenance toddler and a newborn and you have a mom who is too hard on herself, feels like she can't do anything because anything would require jumping through hoops that she doesn't have the energy or desire to do. It is much easier to stay in the cave where all is predictable and safe.

I often look back and wonder what went wrong. Why did it happen then? Sam and Abby were two years apart. I had my first two the same time Lisa had her last two. I worked part time and she was a stay at home mom. We hung out together on our days off and our kids played together. We'd go to the park, eat McDonald's and play in the play area, we joined Zoo Friends and had a membership that allowed us to park free, visit the children's zoo and ride the train. I realize now these were golden years for me. I had other friends that were having their first children and we didn't have the busyness of life that comes when they start school and sports. If Lisa and I weren't hanging out together, we were on the phone. I always had someone to talk to. I also had the outlet of work. Somewhere where I felt important. With Sam, I was a part time manager. I loved my job. With Abby, I moved to Human Resources and cut my hours to 15 as a database analyst. It was perfect! I got out...I did important things...I came home and spent time with the kids. When Sam started Kindergarten, Abby was in preschool. They were both in the afternoon. This meant two days a week, I had 3 hours of total free time! I would go out to lunch with friends who worked. I would crop. I could do whatever I wanted. My house was clean, my life was orderly.

Ben and Mary came into a different environment. They followed the death of Maggie (my stillbirth) and infertility that followed. I had high expectations of the rosy life that should follow after fulfilling my dream of having four children and being a stay at home mom. But it wasn't rosy. I felt trapped. Ben and Mary were 18 months apart and very needy. I was trapped on the couch holding them or listening to lots of crying if I didn't. I had no desire or energy to take them anywhere because it felt like too much work. I had no friends in the same boat. Lisa was off to work as an assistant teacher at school. I realized how much I enjoyed sharing kids with her. She was part time, but her days off were to precious to hang out with someone with babies. She was getting stuff done! I don't blame her at all, because it is exactly what I would have done.

I felt like I was missing out on life! There was so much I wanted to do but didn't feel like jumping through the many hoops to do them! I wanted to volunteer at school, I wanted to catch up with friends, I wanted to crop. I felt tied down, with no hope and nothing to look forward to. Even the breaks that were given to me did not make me happy because they were like a tease, reminding me that they were only temporary and I would be back to the same drudgery. I remember feeling totally whipped out on my birthday because of little sleep and it was going to be mine and Lisa's annual birthday outing since my birthday is 4 days away from hers. We always go shopping and out to lunch. I felt horrible. This in turn made me frustrated that on our day out I would feel so crappy. I ended up crying and confessing that I felt bad and just wanted to go home and go to bed. I remember looking up the signs of depression. One of them is not enjoying the things you normally would have. Yup. That was me.

I remember being jealous of Ted. He seemed fine. He would go to work and I wished I was escaping it all too. I would call him and catch him at lunch laughing with his coworkers in the background. Watching other people in their freedom seemed to further smash me into the dirt, like a person grinding their cigarette with their shoe. My self pity just grew as it seemed everyone was enjoying life while I was in my cave. Each morning I woke up with my heavy friend and each night I went to bed with her. Her heavy weight was overbearing and tears seemed to flow constantly. Ted and Lisa noticed my change. When Ted got home from work every night, I just wanted to crawl to the haven of my bed and shut out all my responsibilities and burdens. I remember just wishing I could just stay in bed forever. It felt so good there.

Finally, Lisa called Ted and shared her concern about me. She felt that Ted should call my doctor. When Ted told me they thought I had postpartum depression and could go on medication immediately, I felt a sense of relief that there was a word for it. I called the nurse back and she asked me a bunch of questions. Among them was whether I felt like harming myself or my baby. With relief I told her I never felt that at all. Instead, I told her my dream was to get on a plane and go to a deserted island. I just had a strong desire to escape. She prescribed Zoloft and after a couple of weeks, my fog started to lift. I still had bad days of feeling trapped, but I wasn't crying all the time. I could function and even laugh.

I stayed on Zoloft for about 8 months. Mary was turning one and I felt that things were easier than they used to be. I also hated depending on a drug. I wanted my natural feelings. There were times that I wanted to go back on. It wasn't easy. I was still surrounded by some of things that brought me down. But now, gradually I feel back to normal. I feel joy again! Having the kids in the Parent's Day Out program is so life giving! I get to choose how to spend my time every week! And Ben and Mary getting older, less crabby, and more independent has been a Godsend. Mary is still clingy and cries when I leave her. But I know this is the tail end of this stage! I think this year is a huge changing year when they go through their twos. I remember 2 1/2 marking an easier time period. And she is my baby! I kiss them all over and thank God for giving them to me. I love being a mother and I know it has been my calling since I was a child.

This morning, as I was getting ready to head out the door, I called Ben from downstairs and told him it was time to go to the "Rainbow Room". I went down to get him and he had a big wet spot on his pants in the front. Arrghh! I brought him upstairs and started pulling off his shoes and pants and poop was falling everywhere! I didn't realize he had pooped. I got it on my hands, all over Ben's legs and the carpet. It was a mess. This is really what having little ones is about sometimes. I am always cleaning up after them....and each time it feels like a set back. But when you are happy, it's a small, minor one. You get over it quickly and move on. I cleaned him up and packed them both up in the car. It's my day off and it would take a lot to bring me down!!

I came back immediately from dropping them off to write down my thoughts. I always hope that what I have experienced helps someone. I hope some mom who googles "postpartum depression" or "sad, heavy friend" (less likely), finds my blog and finds someone who has been there and no longer feels alone.

After I gave my talk at my retreat (honestly...I will tell you more later), a woman about my age came up to me and said, "Postpartum depression is not fun, huh". She was sharing with me that she had gone through the same thing. It may have made her feel better that she wasn't alone. And that made me feel better.

Now I'm going out to lunch with my husband who has made many sacrifices while I have gotten involved in PTO and CRHP. If you call me, you might hear him laughing in the background, but no co-workers! :-)

And as for my sad, heavy friend....I don't doubt a lighter version of her will come to visit again. But I know more now and I'm better equipped. I don't have to carry her load alone. And I don't believe there is anything wrong with medication that helps you get through a difficul time. In fact, I thank God for it!

Mind on the Move

4 days until retreat time. I haven't been getting very good sleep lately. I go from one project to obsess over to another. I can't seem to still my mind lately when my head hits the pillow. I'm typically a pretty good sleeper. Usually, I'm so tired by the end of the day, I just fall straight to sleep. However, I do have a history of not being able to sleep when I am processing new thoughts. My thoughts lately have been on the Children's Liturgy program at our church.

I'll back up a little. About a month ago, they started requesting volunteers for the Children's Liturgy. They took a break over the summer and it was time to start it up again. As a "Liturgist", I would lead the children (K-3) to classroom down the hall from the church right before the readings. Once in the room, I would read the readings, Gospel and give a short reflection on the Gospel. I thought this sounded like fun. The responsibility would require my help 5 times a year. This seemed like it would be a good fit to me. I even thought I could help lead music with my guitar. I told them I was interested. Ted was a little wary of me overcommitting myself. I told him that I'm going to mass anyway, why not help out once every other month? His pessimism frustrated me.

Anyway, we convened for a meeting with all the Liturgists, the program leaders and the DRE (Director of Religious Education). They proceeded to tell us that the leaders had to leave the parish and we were on our own. I suspect they knew this before we signed up. Anyway, there were many returning Liturgists that had a look of panic on their faces. Should I be worried? Yes, one of the leaders led the singing, the other kept an ear out for the mass...but can't we do this?? Yes, this couple had it all down to a science and attended two masses a week to be there for the liturgist and we would not have that help any more. But I think we can manage it....I just wish there was some overlap. I feel a little abandoned. Me, the new girl, has not done this before! We did get some information as a parting gift...but I like more information than the typical person. I'm the type of person who loves a manual. I wrote a whole manual on my job before I left on maternity leave with my first child. I felt more secure leaving, knowing that I empowered them with all the information on how to do my job. I don't mind deviating from the manual, but I like to know what structure I'm working from.

So last night, Ben woke up because he "saw monsters" and after I dealt with him I couldn't go back to sleep! I started thinking about my first scheduled Liturgist time and it just wouldn't leave my brain! I've learned you have to deal with whatever is on your mind or it won't go away. So I got up, looked up the readings for the mass (which isn't until the 22nd!!) and started writing my reflection. I finished it and then wrote down the whole flow of the session. It made me feel good to have it all done. Then I snuggled back into bed hoping that would konk me out...but no. I started thinking about an analogy. Some kind of visual analogy for the kids. Arrgghhhh! This kept me awake even longer. Then I realized from all the wake time...that I was hungry! I can't sleep when I'm hungry! I got up, ate some cereal, and then struggled with sleeping for another half hour. I was up from 1:30 am until 4:30 am.

I guess my mind is already moving on to the next thing. I'm finished worrying about CRHP. Everything is done and so I'm thinking about my next responsibility. The good thing is, I'm not worried about Children's Liturgy. I am actually looking forward to it. I love teaching, I love music, and I really get a kick out of kids. I think it's a perfect fit. We'll see.

I'm tired. *YAWN*