What's at the top of my to-do list?
--Renew my focus on cropping to get ready for my crop weekend in 3 weeks. This means I have to develop lots of pictures and start cropping the ones I have already developed (hundreds). When I go to a weekend, my focus is on putting the pictures to a page and embellishing (what little I do). I usually have them cropped and organized already so I can make the most of my time there. I can't do this with Mary around. I have to do this when she is in bed. I'm hoping I can make it a little bed time routine...put Mary down and then crop pictures in front of the TV with Ted.
--Relax...don't worry about anything
What have I accomplished?
--Just had Mary's birthday party last night. Phew. Three fall birthdays and parties--D*O*N*E
I just want to live a little and enjoy not having something large looming in the horizon. Yes the holidays are coming up but I have already done most of my family's Christmas shopping and I can enjoy the rest of it gradually.
--Successfully led my second Children's Liturgy. Hopefully it will soon feel like an old shoe and I won't worry about it so much.
What's bugging me?
--Hmmmm...I don't know. I'm a little brain dead. Um, nothing huge right now.
What's my latest obsession?
--I don't seem to wait long after something is finished before moving on to the next project. This one I find more enjoyable and less burdensome....cropping. I can't wait to sink my teeth into this. I hate keeping my pictures waiting. The longer I wait, the more I'll have to do later. But I also know that I just can't make it a priority when there are so many other things to take care of. It has it's time and place. Now is a good time to try and squeeze it in.
What's been making me happy?
--We've committed to a Marriage Encounter weekend the first weekend in December and already arranged babysitting with the grandparents. A weekend with Ted! It feels so long ago!
--Having the fall birthdays done. Next one is in May. Don't get me wrong...I enjoy them, it's just a lot in 5 weeks.
--My crop weekend coming up!
--I'm having more fun with Ben and Mary. They feel less of a burden and just more enjoyable. Mary has more toys now so I hope she can keep herself busier.
--The beautiful fall day today! It is gorgeous outside. I visited my mom and sister and we took a walk and played outside with the kids. It was fun!
--Ted is working with a travel agent through work to book us a trip to Jamaica mon! We are aiming for the first week in June. I can't wait to spend this time with him! We haven't been on a trip like this since the kids have been born and have never been to an all inclusive resort! I can't wait! We will be celebrating 15 years of marriage in June.
Monday, October 30, 2006
Monday, October 23, 2006
Mary
Right after I say all this stuff about Mary...what does she do? She proves me wrong. I pigeon-holed her into this child who does nothing if it doesn't involve me. One who obsesses over where I am at all times and needs to be right in my face or right on my lap. While this is true most of the time, today it was not. She actually went downstairs with Ben!!! Without me!! I couldn't believe it. I started having fantasies about how this could happen someday more often.
I watched her today and saw what she played with. She picked up a book, paged through it. She brought it to me to read to her and I read as she turned about five pages at a time before I was finished with the page I was on. She picked up Ben's trains and rode around with those. She rode his hotwheels cars around on the coffee table. Is my daughter a tomboy? She never plays with the toys I have in the room for her.
She could be your typical girl...a social player. No one else is playing with the dolls...why should she? She wants to do what she sees us do. She wants to play with the broom when I sweep. She wants to talk on my cell phone. She wants to brush her teeth with MY toothbrush. I was using my palm pilot and I saw her watching me with my cell phone in her hand and she tapped on the screen with a pen as I would use my stylus. So funny! She is constantly scribbling on paper with a pen or crayon. She comes in when Ben goes potty so she can "supervise" him like I do. But she really doesn't play with toys. She'll empty my drawers, she'll unroll the toilet paper roll and she'll chew gum and spit it out wherever she wants. She poors out cereal and goldfish and drinks bottled water like a drunken guzzler...but the girl doesn't play with toys.
Mary's birthday is November 2nd. My last fall birthday to plan. I've already told the relatives she likes to imitate and things like a broom and dustpan, grocery cart with fake food, and other imitation type toys should work. She loves Dora...so I was thinking the little Dora Doll House. Hopefully I can some of this shopping done on my "day off".
For her party, I'm thinking Chili. Chili, Chicken Chili, chili nachos, chili mac, chili dogs. The fixins for all. I could make it in advance which should be pretty easy. This week will be preparation for that and then I'm done with birthdays until Spring when Ben turns 4!
I watched her today and saw what she played with. She picked up a book, paged through it. She brought it to me to read to her and I read as she turned about five pages at a time before I was finished with the page I was on. She picked up Ben's trains and rode around with those. She rode his hotwheels cars around on the coffee table. Is my daughter a tomboy? She never plays with the toys I have in the room for her.
She could be your typical girl...a social player. No one else is playing with the dolls...why should she? She wants to do what she sees us do. She wants to play with the broom when I sweep. She wants to talk on my cell phone. She wants to brush her teeth with MY toothbrush. I was using my palm pilot and I saw her watching me with my cell phone in her hand and she tapped on the screen with a pen as I would use my stylus. So funny! She is constantly scribbling on paper with a pen or crayon. She comes in when Ben goes potty so she can "supervise" him like I do. But she really doesn't play with toys. She'll empty my drawers, she'll unroll the toilet paper roll and she'll chew gum and spit it out wherever she wants. She poors out cereal and goldfish and drinks bottled water like a drunken guzzler...but the girl doesn't play with toys.
Mary's birthday is November 2nd. My last fall birthday to plan. I've already told the relatives she likes to imitate and things like a broom and dustpan, grocery cart with fake food, and other imitation type toys should work. She loves Dora...so I was thinking the little Dora Doll House. Hopefully I can some of this shopping done on my "day off".
For her party, I'm thinking Chili. Chili, Chicken Chili, chili nachos, chili mac, chili dogs. The fixins for all. I could make it in advance which should be pretty easy. This week will be preparation for that and then I'm done with birthdays until Spring when Ben turns 4!
Friday, October 13, 2006
A Snapshot
First, I want to say that I typed up a snapshot and Blogger somehow failed me and I lost it (Why isn't there an autosave function??!!). One of my least favorite things to do is to recapture thoughts that I painstakingly wrote down, at length. That is not fun. I usually have to get up and move on to something else when that happens. I did that on October 13th and never came back. *Sigh*
How do I balance it? My living of life with the reflecting on it? I get so much joy out of sharing myself with others like I do in this blog. I just find sometimes that there are so many things I need to do and they all overwhelm every pocket of my multidimensional thoughts! I don't have a lot of "spare" time. Mary still dominates me. I realized lately that she does not go off and "play". She clings to me and follows me around all day. I don't mind the following...because that at least allows me to function at something. Sometimes, however, she dominates. Which means, when I sit, she climbs into my lap and demands attention, or keeps me from focusing on anything else but her. She'll jump all over me, climb on my back, pull my hair. I know what she is doing and I know it is manipulative and sometimes I just want some FRESH AIR! I also know, it is a stage and it too, shall pass. I can type this right now because she is napping. The naptimes become very valuable and I squeeze whatever I can into those short time-frames. So Stacey, because you spoke up, here is a snapshot!
What's at the top of my to-do list?
--Halloween costumes. I mix buying them with making them. Ben and Mary are using hand-me-down m&m's and McDonald's french fry costumes. Sam is going to be some sort of Viking and Abby will be a dog. For Sam, I bought a really cool sheild for $10 and a pick ax for $3. I'm making his cape and helmet and boots. Abby started with a little puppy dog headpeice that gives her ears and a nose and I have to fill in the rest with some sort of homemade jumpsuit and I don't have a pattern!
--Getting ready for Mary's birthday party on Sunday!
--Enjoying me time
What have I accomplished?
--MY CRHP RETREAT!!! I want to yell it from the mountain tops! I gave my talk and led music. It all went really well. Our meetings for 6 months are over. I thought I would feel a huge sense of relief, but I'm surprised by a bit of sadness on the fringes of that relief.
--Planned and executed Sam's birthday party (10 years old now) with the Domino's 5-5-5 deal. We did 6 pizzas and 3 orders of chicken kickers! It was great but added up. I made apple crisp and bought a cookie cake from the local grocer. It worked out great!
--Planned and held Sam's overnighter. He invited over his cousin and three classmates. We had a tournament of games with the winner winning an EB games gift card. We had the following games --Hoops Shoot-- Best of 7 baskets from 7 locations. --Closest to the Pin--Our front yard made the fairway and a broom stick as our flag pole. They each got three shots. Then we broke for pizza (yes, more pizza, Sam's favorite food). We came back to the tournament with a competition for the fastest speed on GranTourismo, a PS2 game. After that, we followed with Connect Four, Lego building contest and Dominos. It was a blast!!! I would do it all over again.
--Led my first Children's Liturgy. This sounds simple, but leading up to it I typed up all the Children's songs and added chords for guitar. I also typed up lyric sheets and made 18X24 inch enlargements to be hung on the wall. I wrote my reflection on the Gospel and came up with a visual. I showed how when you only think of yourself and do things only for yourself, it's like building a big tower. It's lonely, a weak structure, and there's no room for God to dwell there. I demonstrated this with Megabloks. I used a square block and added to my tower whenever they gave me ideas of how they can put themselves first. Then I showed them a building. I added a block for every idea they had for serving others. I showed how this structure is stronger and I showed them how it gives room for God to dwell. I then gave them each a block with a label that said, "I'm building God's kingdom by helping others". Whew. Yes, I get into this stuff 100%. But this idea came to me when I couldn't sleep. I don't expect this creativity to hit me every time. In fact, next week, Jesus cures the blind man. I have nothing coming to mind. Oh well. It will come.
Can you see why I haven't blogged in a while? I've been busy!
What's bugging me?
--Ben still pooping in the underpants. But I don't give him grief. I accept that he's not ready. I've heard one day they just make the decision they want to do it. It can't be forced.
What's my latest obsession?
--eBay shopping for Christmas. I've gotten most of my presents on ebay. I'm almost done shopping for my family.
What's been making me happy?
--Everything. My life is so rich. I feel so grateful. I'm having more fun with Ben and Mary now they are getting just that little bit older. Sam and Abby are helping me with Children's Liturgy and it makes me feel so good to know that this may influence them when they are older...just knowing the joys of volunteering. I feel like I'm sharing myself with others now. Of course, my first priority is my family...but there is so much joy in branching outside of my home. Last night, we spontaneously invited my sister Becky and her husband and baby, my mom and dad and Ted's mom and dad over for the first World Series game. We ordered carry out wings, and everyone else brought over chips, dips, cookies, drinks...and we had so much fun! It was capitilized by the Cards winning!! Now I need to start working on costumes....BYE!
How do I balance it? My living of life with the reflecting on it? I get so much joy out of sharing myself with others like I do in this blog. I just find sometimes that there are so many things I need to do and they all overwhelm every pocket of my multidimensional thoughts! I don't have a lot of "spare" time. Mary still dominates me. I realized lately that she does not go off and "play". She clings to me and follows me around all day. I don't mind the following...because that at least allows me to function at something. Sometimes, however, she dominates. Which means, when I sit, she climbs into my lap and demands attention, or keeps me from focusing on anything else but her. She'll jump all over me, climb on my back, pull my hair. I know what she is doing and I know it is manipulative and sometimes I just want some FRESH AIR! I also know, it is a stage and it too, shall pass. I can type this right now because she is napping. The naptimes become very valuable and I squeeze whatever I can into those short time-frames. So Stacey, because you spoke up, here is a snapshot!
What's at the top of my to-do list?
--Halloween costumes. I mix buying them with making them. Ben and Mary are using hand-me-down m&m's and McDonald's french fry costumes. Sam is going to be some sort of Viking and Abby will be a dog. For Sam, I bought a really cool sheild for $10 and a pick ax for $3. I'm making his cape and helmet and boots. Abby started with a little puppy dog headpeice that gives her ears and a nose and I have to fill in the rest with some sort of homemade jumpsuit and I don't have a pattern!
--Getting ready for Mary's birthday party on Sunday!
--Enjoying me time
What have I accomplished?
--MY CRHP RETREAT!!! I want to yell it from the mountain tops! I gave my talk and led music. It all went really well. Our meetings for 6 months are over. I thought I would feel a huge sense of relief, but I'm surprised by a bit of sadness on the fringes of that relief.
--Planned and executed Sam's birthday party (10 years old now) with the Domino's 5-5-5 deal. We did 6 pizzas and 3 orders of chicken kickers! It was great but added up. I made apple crisp and bought a cookie cake from the local grocer. It worked out great!
--Planned and held Sam's overnighter. He invited over his cousin and three classmates. We had a tournament of games with the winner winning an EB games gift card. We had the following games --Hoops Shoot-- Best of 7 baskets from 7 locations. --Closest to the Pin--Our front yard made the fairway and a broom stick as our flag pole. They each got three shots. Then we broke for pizza (yes, more pizza, Sam's favorite food). We came back to the tournament with a competition for the fastest speed on GranTourismo, a PS2 game. After that, we followed with Connect Four, Lego building contest and Dominos. It was a blast!!! I would do it all over again.
--Led my first Children's Liturgy. This sounds simple, but leading up to it I typed up all the Children's songs and added chords for guitar. I also typed up lyric sheets and made 18X24 inch enlargements to be hung on the wall. I wrote my reflection on the Gospel and came up with a visual. I showed how when you only think of yourself and do things only for yourself, it's like building a big tower. It's lonely, a weak structure, and there's no room for God to dwell there. I demonstrated this with Megabloks. I used a square block and added to my tower whenever they gave me ideas of how they can put themselves first. Then I showed them a building. I added a block for every idea they had for serving others. I showed how this structure is stronger and I showed them how it gives room for God to dwell. I then gave them each a block with a label that said, "I'm building God's kingdom by helping others". Whew. Yes, I get into this stuff 100%. But this idea came to me when I couldn't sleep. I don't expect this creativity to hit me every time. In fact, next week, Jesus cures the blind man. I have nothing coming to mind. Oh well. It will come.
Can you see why I haven't blogged in a while? I've been busy!
What's bugging me?
--Ben still pooping in the underpants. But I don't give him grief. I accept that he's not ready. I've heard one day they just make the decision they want to do it. It can't be forced.
What's my latest obsession?
--eBay shopping for Christmas. I've gotten most of my presents on ebay. I'm almost done shopping for my family.
What's been making me happy?
--Everything. My life is so rich. I feel so grateful. I'm having more fun with Ben and Mary now they are getting just that little bit older. Sam and Abby are helping me with Children's Liturgy and it makes me feel so good to know that this may influence them when they are older...just knowing the joys of volunteering. I feel like I'm sharing myself with others now. Of course, my first priority is my family...but there is so much joy in branching outside of my home. Last night, we spontaneously invited my sister Becky and her husband and baby, my mom and dad and Ted's mom and dad over for the first World Series game. We ordered carry out wings, and everyone else brought over chips, dips, cookies, drinks...and we had so much fun! It was capitilized by the Cards winning!! Now I need to start working on costumes....BYE!
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
A Sad, Heavy Friend
These thoughts came to me this morning. Maybe it was because I was reflecting on the talk I gave on retreat this weekend (more of that to come later). In my talk, I whisked over my post-partum depression. I think, looking back, that I didn't describe it well enough. There is only so much time and there were many aspects of my life that I wanted to share, so I don't know that I would change it, but I know there was so much more than what I said. I guess it was in this state of mind that I started reflecting on it this morning. This is what came to my mind:
Depression is like a sad, heavy friend. She wasn't invited. She came with no warning. Sometimes she seeps slowly into your life and sometimes she suddenly grips you and doesn't let go. She clings to you until you don't know where you end...and she begins. In fact, you forget you used to be a lighter, happier, mobile person. Her heaviness becomes familiar, as do all the traits she brings with her. She brought me bitterness, jealousy, and self pity. She made me feel like I couldn't escape. That I was trapped. Trapped with young children who depended on me who left me little air to breathe for myself. Whether it's reality or not, it's how I felt. Now that I look back and have reflected on it countless times, I see my depression as situational. My personality, mixed with the conflicts my situation brought...made a huge cocktail for depression. Here are the first ingredients:
I don't ask for help
I don't feel entitled to be helped
I take on my burdens myself and don't want to "bother" others
I have high expectations for myself
I am very self analytical
I am social and like to be around people
I also like time to myself to read, write, veg out
I don't want people to feel like I can't "handle it"
I love to bring joy to others and make them laugh
I want my kids to have well rounded, healthy lives with activities that promote this
Mix the above with two school aged children a clingy, high maintenance toddler and a newborn and you have a mom who is too hard on herself, feels like she can't do anything because anything would require jumping through hoops that she doesn't have the energy or desire to do. It is much easier to stay in the cave where all is predictable and safe.
I often look back and wonder what went wrong. Why did it happen then? Sam and Abby were two years apart. I had my first two the same time Lisa had her last two. I worked part time and she was a stay at home mom. We hung out together on our days off and our kids played together. We'd go to the park, eat McDonald's and play in the play area, we joined Zoo Friends and had a membership that allowed us to park free, visit the children's zoo and ride the train. I realize now these were golden years for me. I had other friends that were having their first children and we didn't have the busyness of life that comes when they start school and sports. If Lisa and I weren't hanging out together, we were on the phone. I always had someone to talk to. I also had the outlet of work. Somewhere where I felt important. With Sam, I was a part time manager. I loved my job. With Abby, I moved to Human Resources and cut my hours to 15 as a database analyst. It was perfect! I got out...I did important things...I came home and spent time with the kids. When Sam started Kindergarten, Abby was in preschool. They were both in the afternoon. This meant two days a week, I had 3 hours of total free time! I would go out to lunch with friends who worked. I would crop. I could do whatever I wanted. My house was clean, my life was orderly.
Ben and Mary came into a different environment. They followed the death of Maggie (my stillbirth) and infertility that followed. I had high expectations of the rosy life that should follow after fulfilling my dream of having four children and being a stay at home mom. But it wasn't rosy. I felt trapped. Ben and Mary were 18 months apart and very needy. I was trapped on the couch holding them or listening to lots of crying if I didn't. I had no desire or energy to take them anywhere because it felt like too much work. I had no friends in the same boat. Lisa was off to work as an assistant teacher at school. I realized how much I enjoyed sharing kids with her. She was part time, but her days off were to precious to hang out with someone with babies. She was getting stuff done! I don't blame her at all, because it is exactly what I would have done.
I felt like I was missing out on life! There was so much I wanted to do but didn't feel like jumping through the many hoops to do them! I wanted to volunteer at school, I wanted to catch up with friends, I wanted to crop. I felt tied down, with no hope and nothing to look forward to. Even the breaks that were given to me did not make me happy because they were like a tease, reminding me that they were only temporary and I would be back to the same drudgery. I remember feeling totally whipped out on my birthday because of little sleep and it was going to be mine and Lisa's annual birthday outing since my birthday is 4 days away from hers. We always go shopping and out to lunch. I felt horrible. This in turn made me frustrated that on our day out I would feel so crappy. I ended up crying and confessing that I felt bad and just wanted to go home and go to bed. I remember looking up the signs of depression. One of them is not enjoying the things you normally would have. Yup. That was me.
I remember being jealous of Ted. He seemed fine. He would go to work and I wished I was escaping it all too. I would call him and catch him at lunch laughing with his coworkers in the background. Watching other people in their freedom seemed to further smash me into the dirt, like a person grinding their cigarette with their shoe. My self pity just grew as it seemed everyone was enjoying life while I was in my cave. Each morning I woke up with my heavy friend and each night I went to bed with her. Her heavy weight was overbearing and tears seemed to flow constantly. Ted and Lisa noticed my change. When Ted got home from work every night, I just wanted to crawl to the haven of my bed and shut out all my responsibilities and burdens. I remember just wishing I could just stay in bed forever. It felt so good there.
Finally, Lisa called Ted and shared her concern about me. She felt that Ted should call my doctor. When Ted told me they thought I had postpartum depression and could go on medication immediately, I felt a sense of relief that there was a word for it. I called the nurse back and she asked me a bunch of questions. Among them was whether I felt like harming myself or my baby. With relief I told her I never felt that at all. Instead, I told her my dream was to get on a plane and go to a deserted island. I just had a strong desire to escape. She prescribed Zoloft and after a couple of weeks, my fog started to lift. I still had bad days of feeling trapped, but I wasn't crying all the time. I could function and even laugh.
I stayed on Zoloft for about 8 months. Mary was turning one and I felt that things were easier than they used to be. I also hated depending on a drug. I wanted my natural feelings. There were times that I wanted to go back on. It wasn't easy. I was still surrounded by some of things that brought me down. But now, gradually I feel back to normal. I feel joy again! Having the kids in the Parent's Day Out program is so life giving! I get to choose how to spend my time every week! And Ben and Mary getting older, less crabby, and more independent has been a Godsend. Mary is still clingy and cries when I leave her. But I know this is the tail end of this stage! I think this year is a huge changing year when they go through their twos. I remember 2 1/2 marking an easier time period. And she is my baby! I kiss them all over and thank God for giving them to me. I love being a mother and I know it has been my calling since I was a child.
This morning, as I was getting ready to head out the door, I called Ben from downstairs and told him it was time to go to the "Rainbow Room". I went down to get him and he had a big wet spot on his pants in the front. Arrghh! I brought him upstairs and started pulling off his shoes and pants and poop was falling everywhere! I didn't realize he had pooped. I got it on my hands, all over Ben's legs and the carpet. It was a mess. This is really what having little ones is about sometimes. I am always cleaning up after them....and each time it feels like a set back. But when you are happy, it's a small, minor one. You get over it quickly and move on. I cleaned him up and packed them both up in the car. It's my day off and it would take a lot to bring me down!!
I came back immediately from dropping them off to write down my thoughts. I always hope that what I have experienced helps someone. I hope some mom who googles "postpartum depression" or "sad, heavy friend" (less likely), finds my blog and finds someone who has been there and no longer feels alone.
After I gave my talk at my retreat (honestly...I will tell you more later), a woman about my age came up to me and said, "Postpartum depression is not fun, huh". She was sharing with me that she had gone through the same thing. It may have made her feel better that she wasn't alone. And that made me feel better.
Now I'm going out to lunch with my husband who has made many sacrifices while I have gotten involved in PTO and CRHP. If you call me, you might hear him laughing in the background, but no co-workers! :-)
And as for my sad, heavy friend....I don't doubt a lighter version of her will come to visit again. But I know more now and I'm better equipped. I don't have to carry her load alone. And I don't believe there is anything wrong with medication that helps you get through a difficul time. In fact, I thank God for it!
Depression is like a sad, heavy friend. She wasn't invited. She came with no warning. Sometimes she seeps slowly into your life and sometimes she suddenly grips you and doesn't let go. She clings to you until you don't know where you end...and she begins. In fact, you forget you used to be a lighter, happier, mobile person. Her heaviness becomes familiar, as do all the traits she brings with her. She brought me bitterness, jealousy, and self pity. She made me feel like I couldn't escape. That I was trapped. Trapped with young children who depended on me who left me little air to breathe for myself. Whether it's reality or not, it's how I felt. Now that I look back and have reflected on it countless times, I see my depression as situational. My personality, mixed with the conflicts my situation brought...made a huge cocktail for depression. Here are the first ingredients:
I don't ask for help
I don't feel entitled to be helped
I take on my burdens myself and don't want to "bother" others
I have high expectations for myself
I am very self analytical
I am social and like to be around people
I also like time to myself to read, write, veg out
I don't want people to feel like I can't "handle it"
I love to bring joy to others and make them laugh
I want my kids to have well rounded, healthy lives with activities that promote this
Mix the above with two school aged children a clingy, high maintenance toddler and a newborn and you have a mom who is too hard on herself, feels like she can't do anything because anything would require jumping through hoops that she doesn't have the energy or desire to do. It is much easier to stay in the cave where all is predictable and safe.
I often look back and wonder what went wrong. Why did it happen then? Sam and Abby were two years apart. I had my first two the same time Lisa had her last two. I worked part time and she was a stay at home mom. We hung out together on our days off and our kids played together. We'd go to the park, eat McDonald's and play in the play area, we joined Zoo Friends and had a membership that allowed us to park free, visit the children's zoo and ride the train. I realize now these were golden years for me. I had other friends that were having their first children and we didn't have the busyness of life that comes when they start school and sports. If Lisa and I weren't hanging out together, we were on the phone. I always had someone to talk to. I also had the outlet of work. Somewhere where I felt important. With Sam, I was a part time manager. I loved my job. With Abby, I moved to Human Resources and cut my hours to 15 as a database analyst. It was perfect! I got out...I did important things...I came home and spent time with the kids. When Sam started Kindergarten, Abby was in preschool. They were both in the afternoon. This meant two days a week, I had 3 hours of total free time! I would go out to lunch with friends who worked. I would crop. I could do whatever I wanted. My house was clean, my life was orderly.
Ben and Mary came into a different environment. They followed the death of Maggie (my stillbirth) and infertility that followed. I had high expectations of the rosy life that should follow after fulfilling my dream of having four children and being a stay at home mom. But it wasn't rosy. I felt trapped. Ben and Mary were 18 months apart and very needy. I was trapped on the couch holding them or listening to lots of crying if I didn't. I had no desire or energy to take them anywhere because it felt like too much work. I had no friends in the same boat. Lisa was off to work as an assistant teacher at school. I realized how much I enjoyed sharing kids with her. She was part time, but her days off were to precious to hang out with someone with babies. She was getting stuff done! I don't blame her at all, because it is exactly what I would have done.
I felt like I was missing out on life! There was so much I wanted to do but didn't feel like jumping through the many hoops to do them! I wanted to volunteer at school, I wanted to catch up with friends, I wanted to crop. I felt tied down, with no hope and nothing to look forward to. Even the breaks that were given to me did not make me happy because they were like a tease, reminding me that they were only temporary and I would be back to the same drudgery. I remember feeling totally whipped out on my birthday because of little sleep and it was going to be mine and Lisa's annual birthday outing since my birthday is 4 days away from hers. We always go shopping and out to lunch. I felt horrible. This in turn made me frustrated that on our day out I would feel so crappy. I ended up crying and confessing that I felt bad and just wanted to go home and go to bed. I remember looking up the signs of depression. One of them is not enjoying the things you normally would have. Yup. That was me.
I remember being jealous of Ted. He seemed fine. He would go to work and I wished I was escaping it all too. I would call him and catch him at lunch laughing with his coworkers in the background. Watching other people in their freedom seemed to further smash me into the dirt, like a person grinding their cigarette with their shoe. My self pity just grew as it seemed everyone was enjoying life while I was in my cave. Each morning I woke up with my heavy friend and each night I went to bed with her. Her heavy weight was overbearing and tears seemed to flow constantly. Ted and Lisa noticed my change. When Ted got home from work every night, I just wanted to crawl to the haven of my bed and shut out all my responsibilities and burdens. I remember just wishing I could just stay in bed forever. It felt so good there.
Finally, Lisa called Ted and shared her concern about me. She felt that Ted should call my doctor. When Ted told me they thought I had postpartum depression and could go on medication immediately, I felt a sense of relief that there was a word for it. I called the nurse back and she asked me a bunch of questions. Among them was whether I felt like harming myself or my baby. With relief I told her I never felt that at all. Instead, I told her my dream was to get on a plane and go to a deserted island. I just had a strong desire to escape. She prescribed Zoloft and after a couple of weeks, my fog started to lift. I still had bad days of feeling trapped, but I wasn't crying all the time. I could function and even laugh.
I stayed on Zoloft for about 8 months. Mary was turning one and I felt that things were easier than they used to be. I also hated depending on a drug. I wanted my natural feelings. There were times that I wanted to go back on. It wasn't easy. I was still surrounded by some of things that brought me down. But now, gradually I feel back to normal. I feel joy again! Having the kids in the Parent's Day Out program is so life giving! I get to choose how to spend my time every week! And Ben and Mary getting older, less crabby, and more independent has been a Godsend. Mary is still clingy and cries when I leave her. But I know this is the tail end of this stage! I think this year is a huge changing year when they go through their twos. I remember 2 1/2 marking an easier time period. And she is my baby! I kiss them all over and thank God for giving them to me. I love being a mother and I know it has been my calling since I was a child.
This morning, as I was getting ready to head out the door, I called Ben from downstairs and told him it was time to go to the "Rainbow Room". I went down to get him and he had a big wet spot on his pants in the front. Arrghh! I brought him upstairs and started pulling off his shoes and pants and poop was falling everywhere! I didn't realize he had pooped. I got it on my hands, all over Ben's legs and the carpet. It was a mess. This is really what having little ones is about sometimes. I am always cleaning up after them....and each time it feels like a set back. But when you are happy, it's a small, minor one. You get over it quickly and move on. I cleaned him up and packed them both up in the car. It's my day off and it would take a lot to bring me down!!
I came back immediately from dropping them off to write down my thoughts. I always hope that what I have experienced helps someone. I hope some mom who googles "postpartum depression" or "sad, heavy friend" (less likely), finds my blog and finds someone who has been there and no longer feels alone.
After I gave my talk at my retreat (honestly...I will tell you more later), a woman about my age came up to me and said, "Postpartum depression is not fun, huh". She was sharing with me that she had gone through the same thing. It may have made her feel better that she wasn't alone. And that made me feel better.
Now I'm going out to lunch with my husband who has made many sacrifices while I have gotten involved in PTO and CRHP. If you call me, you might hear him laughing in the background, but no co-workers! :-)
And as for my sad, heavy friend....I don't doubt a lighter version of her will come to visit again. But I know more now and I'm better equipped. I don't have to carry her load alone. And I don't believe there is anything wrong with medication that helps you get through a difficul time. In fact, I thank God for it!
Tuesday, October 03, 2006
Mind on the Move
4 days until retreat time. I haven't been getting very good sleep lately. I go from one project to obsess over to another. I can't seem to still my mind lately when my head hits the pillow. I'm typically a pretty good sleeper. Usually, I'm so tired by the end of the day, I just fall straight to sleep. However, I do have a history of not being able to sleep when I am processing new thoughts. My thoughts lately have been on the Children's Liturgy program at our church.
I'll back up a little. About a month ago, they started requesting volunteers for the Children's Liturgy. They took a break over the summer and it was time to start it up again. As a "Liturgist", I would lead the children (K-3) to classroom down the hall from the church right before the readings. Once in the room, I would read the readings, Gospel and give a short reflection on the Gospel. I thought this sounded like fun. The responsibility would require my help 5 times a year. This seemed like it would be a good fit to me. I even thought I could help lead music with my guitar. I told them I was interested. Ted was a little wary of me overcommitting myself. I told him that I'm going to mass anyway, why not help out once every other month? His pessimism frustrated me.
Anyway, we convened for a meeting with all the Liturgists, the program leaders and the DRE (Director of Religious Education). They proceeded to tell us that the leaders had to leave the parish and we were on our own. I suspect they knew this before we signed up. Anyway, there were many returning Liturgists that had a look of panic on their faces. Should I be worried? Yes, one of the leaders led the singing, the other kept an ear out for the mass...but can't we do this?? Yes, this couple had it all down to a science and attended two masses a week to be there for the liturgist and we would not have that help any more. But I think we can manage it....I just wish there was some overlap. I feel a little abandoned. Me, the new girl, has not done this before! We did get some information as a parting gift...but I like more information than the typical person. I'm the type of person who loves a manual. I wrote a whole manual on my job before I left on maternity leave with my first child. I felt more secure leaving, knowing that I empowered them with all the information on how to do my job. I don't mind deviating from the manual, but I like to know what structure I'm working from.
So last night, Ben woke up because he "saw monsters" and after I dealt with him I couldn't go back to sleep! I started thinking about my first scheduled Liturgist time and it just wouldn't leave my brain! I've learned you have to deal with whatever is on your mind or it won't go away. So I got up, looked up the readings for the mass (which isn't until the 22nd!!) and started writing my reflection. I finished it and then wrote down the whole flow of the session. It made me feel good to have it all done. Then I snuggled back into bed hoping that would konk me out...but no. I started thinking about an analogy. Some kind of visual analogy for the kids. Arrgghhhh! This kept me awake even longer. Then I realized from all the wake time...that I was hungry! I can't sleep when I'm hungry! I got up, ate some cereal, and then struggled with sleeping for another half hour. I was up from 1:30 am until 4:30 am.
I guess my mind is already moving on to the next thing. I'm finished worrying about CRHP. Everything is done and so I'm thinking about my next responsibility. The good thing is, I'm not worried about Children's Liturgy. I am actually looking forward to it. I love teaching, I love music, and I really get a kick out of kids. I think it's a perfect fit. We'll see.
I'm tired. *YAWN*
I'll back up a little. About a month ago, they started requesting volunteers for the Children's Liturgy. They took a break over the summer and it was time to start it up again. As a "Liturgist", I would lead the children (K-3) to classroom down the hall from the church right before the readings. Once in the room, I would read the readings, Gospel and give a short reflection on the Gospel. I thought this sounded like fun. The responsibility would require my help 5 times a year. This seemed like it would be a good fit to me. I even thought I could help lead music with my guitar. I told them I was interested. Ted was a little wary of me overcommitting myself. I told him that I'm going to mass anyway, why not help out once every other month? His pessimism frustrated me.
Anyway, we convened for a meeting with all the Liturgists, the program leaders and the DRE (Director of Religious Education). They proceeded to tell us that the leaders had to leave the parish and we were on our own. I suspect they knew this before we signed up. Anyway, there were many returning Liturgists that had a look of panic on their faces. Should I be worried? Yes, one of the leaders led the singing, the other kept an ear out for the mass...but can't we do this?? Yes, this couple had it all down to a science and attended two masses a week to be there for the liturgist and we would not have that help any more. But I think we can manage it....I just wish there was some overlap. I feel a little abandoned. Me, the new girl, has not done this before! We did get some information as a parting gift...but I like more information than the typical person. I'm the type of person who loves a manual. I wrote a whole manual on my job before I left on maternity leave with my first child. I felt more secure leaving, knowing that I empowered them with all the information on how to do my job. I don't mind deviating from the manual, but I like to know what structure I'm working from.
So last night, Ben woke up because he "saw monsters" and after I dealt with him I couldn't go back to sleep! I started thinking about my first scheduled Liturgist time and it just wouldn't leave my brain! I've learned you have to deal with whatever is on your mind or it won't go away. So I got up, looked up the readings for the mass (which isn't until the 22nd!!) and started writing my reflection. I finished it and then wrote down the whole flow of the session. It made me feel good to have it all done. Then I snuggled back into bed hoping that would konk me out...but no. I started thinking about an analogy. Some kind of visual analogy for the kids. Arrgghhhh! This kept me awake even longer. Then I realized from all the wake time...that I was hungry! I can't sleep when I'm hungry! I got up, ate some cereal, and then struggled with sleeping for another half hour. I was up from 1:30 am until 4:30 am.
I guess my mind is already moving on to the next thing. I'm finished worrying about CRHP. Everything is done and so I'm thinking about my next responsibility. The good thing is, I'm not worried about Children's Liturgy. I am actually looking forward to it. I love teaching, I love music, and I really get a kick out of kids. I think it's a perfect fit. We'll see.
I'm tired. *YAWN*
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