Discovering the Languages of Love

My scripture verse calendar said today, "Our steps are made firm by the Lord, when He delights in our way; though we stumble, we shall not fall headlong, for the Lord holds us by the hand." Psalm 37:23-24. I feel like my steps are firm right now. God has given me direction! Two days ago it was, "But the Lord's plans stand firm forever; his intentions can never be shaken" Psalms 33:11. Now I know why my friend Ann likes the Psalms so much! These words really speak to me right now. The other day I received one of my books in the mail, "The Five Love Languages...How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate" by Gary Chapman. I have had so much fun devouring this book!! I totally recommend it to anyone who wants a closer relationship with their spouse!

A couple of blogs ago I expressed a desire to strengthen my connection with Ted. We had an "incident" happen that was like a little alarm going off that something was wrong. Ted and I have a great foundation on which our relationship is built. We get along really well, we respect each other immensely, and we are committed to a lifelong marriage. What gets hard is keeping our intimacy with all the daily distractions and responsibilities of life! Their are periods when the romantic side of life is hard to find and it all feels like work with few rewards. Thank God it's not always like that...but their are periods. It's during these periods where I feel we "fall behind" with each other. I've neglected his needs and he's neglected mine. We try...but we're like two people trying to shovel sand into all the pails of life...sometimes he makes it into my pail, sometimes the wind blows and only a few grains find the pail. Sometimes the other pails are screaming louder for more sand and we can't keep up with the demands. So now we are trying to separate ourselves from the other pails, from the wind, and the other elements, to focus on each other. Our goal is to fill each other's buckets regularly. I know...it sounds hard, but we are determined.

Dr. Gary Chapman has totally educated me! I have learned that there are five love languages. We all speak one primarily but then can also dabble in the others. The five love languages are:
--Words of Affirmation
--Receiving Gifts
--Quality Time
--Acts of Service
--Physical Touch

Ted and I took tests and found that these were our scores:
ME
Quality Time--11
Acts of Service--9
Receiving Gifts--5
Physical Touch--3
Words of Affirmation--2

Ted
Physical Touch--11
Words of Affirmation--9
Quality Time--6
Acts of Service--4
Receiving Gifts--0

See the problem? I'm wanting time with him and his help with the kids and the house. He wants physical touch and to know that I think he's wonderful! This is how we feel love from the other person. If you don't know the love language your spouse speaks, you could be spinning your wheels doing acts of service (which you think is conveying your love...cooking, cleaning, etc) when it would mean more to him if you held his hand and told him how proud you are of him.

I was shocked to see how high Ted ranked physical touch. This is not to be totally confused with sex. We all know men like sex. Physical Touch means they like it when you hug and kiss them, when you touch their knee as you are sitting and talking, the way you wrap your arms around their neck. They feel intimate and loved with these acts (even without the sex). I was relieved to see the affirmation part, because I feel like I've always been pretty good and building him up. The problem is, when I'm frustrated because my bucket isn't full, he takes it personally that he's not doing a good job. He couldn't figure out why I was unhappy sometimes. He was helping me with the kids and the house...what more could I want? Reading this book made us realize that I wanted more of his time with me! This easily suffers when you have kids, but it doesn't have to totally disappear! It just takes more effort.

I love this book! Dr. Chapman thinks we could gain a lot from learning our kids love languages. He says that many kids misconduct is rooted in an empty emotional love tank (he calls it this...kind of like filling up a gas tank). Despite most parents loving their kids, we aren't speaking their love language and therefore they don't "fill up". I don't know two parent's who are prouder of their son than Ted's, but because they weren't verbal with affirmation for him and not terribly demonstrative with affection, his "love tank" felt empty. I think this is why he was immediately attracted to me. I was full of life, expressive, and loved his hugs and kisses! Dr. Chapman explains that the "in love" feeling lasts for a certain time...maybe two years...and then we allow ourselves to see that person in a more realistic light. At first, it's easy to speak the same love language, it pours out of us! We are on a euphoric high! But this part of love is not what makes you last the length. He says, that after the euphoria dies, you have to chose to love, and you have to learn to speak your spouse's love language.

Where do we go from here? Ted and I are going to make a list (as Dr. Chapman suggests). My list should say all the things that would speak love to me if Ted did them. In my next blog, I will share our lists. One thing I noticed that Dr. Chapman stressed. Our lists are not "to do" lists, they are not requirements for the other person. They are ways the other person can express their love.

McDonald's Sweet and Sour Sauce

It feels like it was only yesterday that our world (well, at least Sam's world) revolved around McDonald's Sweet and Sour sauce. It was a time when all he ate was chicken nuggets...not just from McDonald's, but also Banquet "original", not the kind from breast meat. I made the mistake of bringing home the breast meat kind and wasted a bag of nuggets. Anyway, the only way Sam liked the nuggets was with McDonald's brand sweet and sour....only. He did not like the store bought sweet and sour sauce.

Of course we couldn't go out to eat at McDonald's all the time, so we found creative ways of collecting this treasured sauce. We'd ask for two sauces whenever Sam got nuggets at McDonald's...one for now, one for later. Sometimes, Abby would get nuggets too, so we would ask for sauce for her and keep them for a later time for Sam (Abby did not have the same affinity for this sauce). We collected, saved and specially stashed our sweet and sour sauce. When we ran out, we were in TROUBLE. We'd make a mental note to make a run to McDonald's.

Sometimes the sauce caused problems. I would bring the extra packets home in my purse and they would get smashed and make a horrible mess. I've had them explode in the diaper bag and spill in our car. Two sauces stored together in a purse or diaper bag are disastrous! The corners are very sharp and they easily poke the foil in the other one. Of course, you wouldn't know this if you're life has never revolved around collecting sweet and sour sauce packets.

There were many days when I wished I could just buy it at the store...even at a premium! Anything would be easier than trying to collect the carefully rationed sauce! I remember when I worked at McDonald's, they were watching how much ketchup packets they gave out. When someone asked for ketchup, you were not to just give them a big handful and be done with it, you were to ask them how many they wanted. People would naturally say less than you thought they would. There was also a rule for the sauces: 1 sauce packet for the six piece chicken nuggets, 2 for the nine piece and 4 for the 20 piece. If someone asked for more, you would give it to them. If they wanted one for their french fries, you give it to them. The customer was the boss. Me being the ethically responsible person that I am, tried not to take too much advantage of this knowledge. Still, it was very tempting to say, "Can I have 10 sweet and sours????".

When did it all start to change? Everything ebbs and flows. Somehow, gradually, mysteriously, the sweet and sour lost it's importance in our family. As I look back, I can't even tell you how it happened. All I know, is that one time, it was such a big focus...and now, I have a sweet and sour packet in my house that will eventually get thrown away because of an expired shelf life. My son has moved on to ketchup like the rest of the human child race....available in abundance ketchup, buy it at the grocery store ketchup, don't need to beg, borrow or steal ketchup.

How many other struggles have I had that have disappeared without my notice? What else have I gotten over but not even acknowledged it? It's nice to think, that with any difficult time that seems to take all my focus...one day, I will wake up and realize it has passed. It may be something that ends in a big crescendo moment with great hoorah and celebration....or it could be like the sweet and sour quest that has slowly faded away, unnoticed.

One BAD Equation!

One of the worst equations I can think of is: Young kids + eating Out at a Real Restaurant + Large Dinner Party = Disaster!!! We went to Krieger's last night to celebrate my father-in-law's birthday. 6 adults and 7 kids. Everything was going well at first. We got the typical paper menu for the kids that has activities that last about 10 minutes. Mary just eats the crayons so it doesn't really work for her. It was exciting when we got our drinks because Ben like anything that comes with a straw. He likes to be like the big kids. This kept him busy for another 5 minutes.

Then the Grandparents ordered appetizers. Which sounds ok to most people, but to parents, they just make the meal longer. The whole goal of eating out with young children is to make the process go as fast as possible. What makes it go longer? A large party (14) and appetizers! Also, it often ruins the appetite for the actual meal. The appetizers came (which were quite delicious!!) and the kids enjoyed them. We decided to just get Ben and Mary fries as a main course because they had chicken strips as an appetizer and we knew they wouldn't need much more.

After this, Sam and Abby wanted to play video games so I started to leave with them when Ben decided he wanted to come to. In case you are picturing a calm and cool, collected Ben saying, "Mom, I would really like to come with you."....that did not happen. It was all out crying at the top of his lungs. The main goal at a restaurant is to appear that you have everything under control and to NOT make a scene and ruin the eating enjoyment of others. To quickly quiet him, I swooped him up and took him to the video games too. We walked around a little bit and played video games. Ted and I took turns with this. Meanwhile, Mary decides she is already sick of her highchair and wants DOWN! I took her down and she enjoyed going up and down the stairs (we were on an upper level). Where are Grandma and Grandpa? Sitting at the table wondering how they ever made it through this stage!

Finally, the food comes. The kids are put back into their seats with the promise of delectable french fries to eat. Sam and Abby ate really well. As we suspected, Ben and Mary were full from the appetizers and only had a little bit of the french fries. The kids wanted down again. I watched Mary while Ted took the others to play again. Mary smelled like she had a poop. I took Mary to change her diaper in the bathroom. I'm sure the bartender got sick of us asking for change, and the fellow restaurant guests probably had enough of our up and down. We had enough too! But wait there's more! We get to sing happy birthday, open gifts, and eat dessert!

Poor Grandpa. I'm sure he didn't feel like he got to spend any time with his family on his birthday. I tried to emphasize how nice "curbside" service is. You call in the order, the kids play happily in the confined, safe environment of a home. Someone picks up the order and brings it home. The kids can spend their ten minutes of eating and then go play more. Everyone is happy.
I'm hoping we break this tradition of eating out on Grandpa's birthday, at least for a couple of years until the kids are older and able to sit for longer periods of time. The whole event took 2 hours. That's WAY too long for toddlers to sit in a chair, but, we made it through alive.

Ahhh the joys of parenting.

Where is the LOVE???

It's been a crazy week:
Monday--Women's Group
Tuesday--Sam's Den meeting and my soccer game
Wednesday--Nothing...but Ted worked most of the evening (at home)
Thursday--Sam's pack meeting
Tonight--Sam's basketball practice
Tomorrow--a bridal shower in the day and dinner out with another couple that evening
Sun--Sam's basketball practice...the same time as a baby shower I have and in the evening we are celebrating Ted's Dad's b-day by going out to dinner as a family.
*Whew*

I don't do well with crazy schedules. I get stressed out and exhausted. I work really hard to not be overly committed. I really enjoy "down time", and time with my family just "hanging out". This week is not normal or typical (Thank God), so that makes it easier to bare. But, one thing that has suffered is mine and Ted's time together. We realized that with Ted's increasing workload that he is bringing home combined with our other evening activities, our time has been squeezed into small, sporadic slivers. I want a bigger chunk.

One thing I'm ready to give up is soccer. I'm too tired in the evenings to play and the motivation is not really there. At the end of a long day with the kids, sometimes the last thing I want to do is run ragged on a field with a bunch of women. I'd probably more enjoy a conversational walk with a friend. I will finish out the session, but next fall when it resumes, I'll politely say "No thanks".

Back to me and Ted. We had a discussion last night...without getting into too many personal details (some of these things are sacred, you know?), we decided to focus more on "us". The discussion spurred on a drive to find some books that would help. I always turn to literature in some form to help me solve my problems. Here are the books I purchased:

The Marriage You've always Dreamed Of...by Greg Smalley
Renewing Your Love: Devotions for Couples... by Gary Roseberg and his wife (name?)
The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate...by Gary Chapman
Is There Really Sex After Kids?... by Savage, Jill

Ted and I don't have any major issues...we just need to find time to "connect" more in the craziness of life with 4 young children. I spend my whole day taking care of the kids and the house and at the end of the day, I'm exhausted. Ted gets my leftovers...our relationship gets the leftovers. I realize that this is just the season for our relationship to take a figurative backseat while we raise our kids...I don't expect to have us be in the peak of intimacy this time in our lives, but I also know it can't always be the backseat or everything will suffer (unless it's a make-out session in the backseat like the good ole teen days....where did all that drive go???).

Ahem... As I was saying...we have to make time for our relationship....even if it's in the little ways. I'm always on a new journey or mission. We'll see where this one takes me.

Ted Did Well

I don't expect much on Valentines Day. Our lives are crazier now than they used to be. There was a time when Valentine's Day was a big occasion and we celebrated with a big meal out. We had to celebrate somehow!! We have enough date nights that I consider each one, kind of a Valentine's celebration. Still, it is nice to receive something on that day...I don't care if it's just a hand written note.

I remember getting many a written note from Ted when we worked at McDonald's together. He'd give me a Big Mac container and write "Your my Big Mac in the McDonald's of life" with a grease pencil. I still have love notes written on hamburger wrappings, notes written in highschool, notes written in college, birthday cards, Mother's Day cards, Valentine's cards...all with a special note inside. These are treasures to me.

We always write in cards that we give eachother, but we don't do much of the spontaneous notes anymore. And I'm not saying that to be sad, because any note I get from him now is backed by years of him proving his love for me. It's not a "crush" anymore. It's a deep, time-tested, got through the hard times kind of love. It's not the note that means so much to me as the day in, day out show of love. He's dedicated to our family. He's consistent, loyal, trustworthy and helps me immensely with the kids. This means more than a note. Still, I love to remember the lightheartedness of our McDonald's days of leaving surprise notes for each other to find.

This morning I had a flashback of our McDonald's days. As I went about my day, I was greeted by "love notes" in my regular visiting spots. When I opened the kitchen drawer (I just organized a couple of months ago) I found a note that said "Thanks for keeping us organized. I love you, Ted". As I went about my day, I noticed many others "Thanks for keeping Ben happy" on the VCR , "Thanks for brightening my day" behind my kitchen curtains, "Thanks for all you do-even changing diapers" in the wipes container, "Thanks for keeping the refrigerator stocked" in the lunchmeat drawer, "Thanks for taking care of yourself" in my make up drawer, "Hey Foxy!" in the shower, and "I love the way you are always trying to be a better person"on my 'Purpose Driven Life' book. With each note I got 2-4 Hershey's Chocolate Kisses with caramel in them.

Today I got many more notes to treasure. But more than the notes, I treasure the man who stays when the going gets tough, who faces his responsibilites, works every day, pays the bills, raises our kids, changes diapers, sets the table, fixes lunches, loves his kids and especially loves me!

Icky Inside

Do you ever have things that make you feel "icky" inside? I'm feeling that way right now. This afternoon Sam had a basketball game. He's not very good, but he really enjoys playing. He doesn't get the ball much, but he doesn't call for it. If he does get the ball, he rarely dribbles...instead he opts to pass it quickly. I will keep him in the sport as long as he enjoys it. We started him out in soccer and baseball. He's never aggressive, so soccer was the first to go. I thought he was pretty good at baseball, but he dropped out of that last year. Now we're down to basketball. I'm glad he still enjoys this sport.

What hurts me is that his coach doesn't play him much. I see the same three kids on the bench. The "bad" players. My son is one of them. I realize this is kind of "the real world". If you're good, you play more because coaches want to win. I just wish they're desire to win was balanced with letting the players have fun. Unfortunately, their desire to win keeps my son from playing much. I just think they are too young to have that matter. He's in third grade and it's their first year playing. Sam played for Upwards basketball for two years before this year. Their coaches always played everyone equally. I'm glad he's playing in our own parish now, but I wish our coaches could learn from the Upward's coaches. Sam had the same experience in soccer...a coach that wanted to win. He was always on the bench.

I feel icky inside. After the game, Sam said, "I didn't even sweat! I really didn't play all that much."
I told Sam that he should feel free to tell his coach when he's ready to go in. "Do you think you can do that?" He said no. Of course he wouldn't dare say anything to his coach. He barely looks his coach in the eye much less speak to him. He's timid with adults he doesn't know well. It's part of his unaggressive nature. I asked him if he minded sitting on the bench. He said, "Not really." Whether he was being truthful or not, I do feel it bothers me more than it bothers him. What really matters is how Sam feels. If Sam was hurt by it, I would speak up. Since he doesn't seem to be hurt, I will get over how I feel.

I know my son will always be a little left out because he's not athletic. He'll probably not be in the popular crowd. I'm really OK with that...as long as he's happy. He seems to be happy at school. He tends to do his own thing at recess. I figure if he really wanted to be with the crowd, he would join them. I think he's intimidated by the crowd. I remember when he was little, he just cried at Chuck E Cheese's when all the kids ran around him near the tubes. He couldn't handle all the commotion. He wanted to be safe...near us. He eventually got over that, but I can still see some of those traits in him....safety is near us...safety is not calling for the ball...safety is on the bench. Maybe, in a way, it's his own choice? No....I really think he wants to play.

I love my son. He may not be athletic, but he does well in school...and most importantly...he's happy. That's all that matters. My ickiness will pass.

My Crazy Shower Days

I'm still writing with a handicapped shift key. My fingers are getting used to pounding away. I might develop carpal tunnel or something. Ted said we'll bring our sick laptop to the service shop. I'm looking forward to getting it fixed!

Boy I had a crazy morning. My showers are still not always stress free. Ben will still come in scream at the top of his lungs, "Mommy, hold yooouuuuuu!!!! Mommy hold yoooooouuuu!!!". He'll open my shower door and everytime I close it, he'll open it again. So sometimes I just redirect the shower head closer to the wall and I shower in the corner so the floor doesn't get all wet. Sometimes he'll open the bathroom door and I freeze my butt off. Sometimes he'll cry for a little, then he loses interest and leaves to go watch TV...that's a good day.

Today, was just a crazy day. I wanted to take an early shower because my Dad called and said he would watch the kids if I wanted to do something with Mom. She was out for the moment but would be back. Since I didn't have the time to wait for Mary's nap, it meant I would have to shower with Ben and Mary in the room with me. I took a deep breath and nonchalantly as I could, told Ben I was going to take a shower. The protests started. I set about my way towards the bathroom. I pretend his protests don't bother me. As I was showering, and he was complaining, Mary climbs into the sink. Ben is distracted and starts playing. "Well, this isn't so bad...". Ben starts pumping soap into a cup and then adds a couple of squirts to my contact solution. "Here, Mary", he says. "Ben! Don't give that to Mary!". Then I notice someone has turned the water on and she is soaking wet. Oh well, so she's wet...I can't do anything about that now. She's not hurting anything being in the sink. Then she grabs my pretty, ceramic toothbrush holder! "Mary NO!" I jump out of the shower to save my prized toothbrush older. I figured I would take the matching soapdish while I was at it because I'm sure she would go for that next. I hop back in the shower. Then Ben runs out. OK....cool. He comes back in screaming that he's scared. Mary had turned on the clock radio earlier (during a climbing excursion) and Ben was hearing the DJ's voices and it scared him. He wanted me to hold him PRONTO. So I rushed through the rest of my shower, quickly completing a calf and shin shave. While he waited, he pulled my pretty (display only) bath towels and hand towels off their respective bars. My bathroom was in utter chaos...all so I could take a stinkin' shower.

My lunch with Mom at the Bread Company (Panera Bread) was worth it, though. My children were happily playing with my Dad and I could focus on a meal in peace and pleasant conversation. It's really hard to believe, but someday I will take my showers for granted. I will be able to shave my legs without rushing, keep the door closed, keep warm and be alone with my thoughts and I will probably have forgotten all about these crazy shower days....until Ben or Mary call me complaining about their kids....then I'll give 'em an earful!

Snapshot Thursday

What's at the top of my to-do list?
--The kid's need to finish their Valentines
--Need to buy Abby's birthday gift for a party she's going to this weekend.
--Need to RSVP for a "Tastefully Simple" party Friday night that I can't go to.
--Need to paint Ben's room and Ted needs to replace all the almond switchplates (and wired piece underneath) with white ones.

What have I accomplished?
--I feel more "on top of" my house. It's not swallowing me up whole.
--I've had consistent nightly prayer time since my retreat. It's been awesome. I look forward to it! Many people think night time is the worst time for prayer, but I love it. I'm on a journey and I can't wait to see where God is leading me.

What's bugging me?
-- MarytookmyspacebarandnowIhavetofinishthisblogonmyothercomputer.
ugghhhhhh!!!!!!
She's climbing everywhere. I have taken the chairs away from my counter so she can't climb up there. I'm on my computer again but Ted and I have rigged the spacebar to work again. I have to press really hard. I don't know what we did wrong, but it's very stiff. What do you use more than your space bar? Nothing! It's a pain!! I guess eventually, I'll get it fixed. I don't even know where to go. I bet you just take your space bar for granted...I DID TO!!! Not anymore. From now on I will give due respect to my space bar. OK..maybe not.
--The kids have knocked over my cheap Target lamps so many times, they are wobbly and one won't turn on anymore. ugghhh.

What have I said I was going to do but I haven't?
--Invite people over more. Haven't done it yet. It was a New Year's Resolution and it's now February with nary an invite.

What's my latest obsession?
-- In Missouri, you canunclaimedd money by going to "showmemoney.com". Ted's got a big, whoppin' $8.00 coming. It's on your State Treasurer's website. Find yours!!

What's been making me happy?
--My nightly prayer time.
--Being able to do things I wasn't able to do before. The kids are giving me more freedom. I actually cleaned two bathrooms in one day the other day! I used to not be able to leave them without them coming after me. Now they can entertain themselves better. Freedom to do things I want, makes me HAPPY!! Even if it's cleaning the house. It is so gratifying to me to keep my house clean and organized. I'm not saying it's like thisa lott, it's just what makes me happy. In fact, it's more often dirty than it ever is clean. But anyway, you know what I mean.
--I'm enjoying watching shows that I've never watched before. I was never a big fan of reality TV. I think a lot of it is staged or pretentious. But I am having lots of fun with two shows this season. The Batchelor and American Idol. I never was able to count on watching certain shows at certain times. But now that we have MOXI (DVR), I'm recording these (it's so easy too!) and I can watch them whenever I'M free, not when the show is on. I know lots of people have done this with their VCRs....this is not a new concept...But I always found it cumbersome to figure out when a show is on and to enter the start and end times when sometimes they have two hour specials or they'll have it on a different night. With MOXI, it finds the times for you. You just say you want everyone recorded. EASY!!!

A Good Night's Sleep

This morning I called a friend who I haven't talked to in a long time. She has three kids and they are all the same ages as mine. Two of them are the same gender (yes I'm avoiding the three letter "s" word so I don't get googled by freaky people). Anyway, she was telling me about her nighttime routine with their third who just turned three. Every night one of them sleeps in the 3 yr old's bed while the other sleeps with the 3 yr old in their queen bed. Every night. And he has a cool race car room with a race car bed!! Not good enough, I guess. It used to be that he would come in the room in the middle of the night and sleep with them. They decided they wanted more sleep so they just started the night off with their current sleep arrangements and everyone gets a full night's sleep.

It's amazing what we'll do for a full night's sleep. I remember when we had the same problem. To get Sam to sleep every night we sit outside his door. It started with laying in bed with him, which graduated to sitting by his bed, which then graduated to sitting outside his door. We felt we hit the jackpot then because we could read a magazine or book, and I especially enjoyed journaling during that time. In fact, I have a lot of documentation during this time because I was forced to take turns sitting outside his door. But this wasn't all...every night Sam would come in our room in the middle of the night. He would wake up from a bad dream or have night fears. He wouldn't want to go back to bed. We were too tired to fight the battle so we let him sleep on our floor (I could never sleep with an additional person in our bed). So, every night when he came in we would set get his pillow and blanket and make a bed for him on the floor. Every night. I would say all of this started when Sam was about 2 1/2 (he was in a toddler bed because Abby took the crib when she was born). This went on for 2 years!!! By then, Abby had caught on and was sleeping on the other side of our bed. Finally, we started using trains as rewards. If he slept in his own bed for 3 nights in a row, he would get a train. Then we lengthened it to 5 nights. He succeeded again. After that, his habit was broken.

Occasionally, he would still pop in after a bad dream. But it was no longer a nightly affair. Abby wasn't doing it long before she realized her bed was much more comfortable than our floor. She sat up early one morning and said, "I'm going back to my bed." We never saw her after that. Ever. She just made her own decision. Kids are all different!

Now I'm wondering what Ben will do. I know one thing...he's staying in that baby bed as long as I can milk it. It's great for getting good naps out of him. He takes a three hour nap! Mary, on the other hand, will probably climb out like Abby did and force us to put her in a bed. Until then, we are enjoying a good night's sleep.

It Works for Me!

I love those articles that have parents real, tried and true solutions to the little problems that come with kids. People share some really useful methods that I have adopted and use regularly. Every child is different so they won't all work on everyone, but they are always worth a try. I'm going to share some that I've learned from other parents and then share one of my own.

Negative Reinforcement-- In psychology class they told us that "positive reinforcement" was encouraging good behavior by rewarding it when it's done. "Negative reinforcement" is removing the reward when bad behavior is done. It's not punishing them, just removing what they want. I've found that the more attention I show them when they've done something wrong, the more they want to do that very thing again to get my attention. I remember when Sam was little and our TV was low enough, he could reach the power button. Oh how frustrating it was when Sam would turn the TV off in the middle of my favorite show. I would turn it back on and he would turn it back off. How fun it was for him to see my reaction! It was so easy to "flip my switch". If I would have just ignored him and left the room like I didn't care, I doubt it would have been so fun for him.

Switch and Bait-- I like using this one on Mary. Sometimes she's holding a train Ben really wants. I've been teaching Ben to give her another train before taking the one he wants away. It works like a dream. She focuses on the new train and doesn't realize he's just taken one out of her other hand.

Distraction-- One and Two year olds can be very singleminded...very focused on what they want. As much as I take Mary off the counter and set her down, she will just as quickly head straight back to the chair to climb up again. It's not enough to just take her down. I have to distract her with something else, like a toy, book, or her favorite TV show. Thank God for distraction! I use this one all the time. It works with babies too. I remember when I would wrestle with a child during a diaper change until my sister showed me how just giving them a toy or book keeps them busy until the change is over.

Remove the Object--Sometimes you just have to remove the object that's causing the problem. During the ages where it's hard to reason, it's easier to just take it away. I remember I used to buy Lucky Charms...until I realized that all they wanted was the marshmallows. No matter what I did, it caused a battle to try and get them to eat the whole thing. I stopped buying Lucky Charms. The same concept goes if you have two things on a plate and you want them to eat one before the other, I stopped putting the less healthy item on their until they were done with healthier one.

Whenever someone is fighting over a toy or not playing right with it...they didn't go in time out, the toy did. Solves the problem right away. A good time out for the toy is somewhere they can't see it. Out of sight out of mind. I hate it when I forget this. They see what I'm trying to hide and all the ruckus starts all over again.

Turn it into a Game--I saw something in my house that turned into a game without me doing anything. My boys want everything done for them. My girls tend to have a more "can do" attitude. About 4 years ago, I was still dressing Sam (he was 5). It wasn't that he couldn't dress himself...he didn't want to. So I would help him pick out the clothes and get him going. When summer came, Abby started dressing herself first thing in the morning so she could be ready to play. Somehow, Sam saw her doing it and started to dress himself without my help! In fact, in turned into a race. It was great to see them race into their rooms to see who could dress the fastest and I didn't have to lift a finger! Races are a great way to make something fun.

I don't know what to call this one...but my problem was with Ben. He would drop his cup and say, "Mommy get it!", or fall on the floor and my feet and say, "Hold you!!!". Sometimes I would say, "You can get it, Ben!" and he would say, "I can't reach it!". It was one of these times when he told me he couldn't reach whatever his cup, I just through on my best "Ben" act and said with a grunt (like I was really trying), "I can't reach it either!!". I tried to act distressed. I had my arm out like I was reaching. He quickly saw me in need and got his own cup. It works EVERY time! One time he was coming down the stairs and I was at the bottom and he wanted me to come get him. Like he doesn't have his own capable two feet! I threw myself on the steps and said, "I can't reach!!". Sure enough, he came down on his own.

I don't know why I take such pride in this little victory. I guess I feel like there are many ways I have to cave in to them. I love finding win-win situations...we both win!

Ben is now starting to reason. I can say, "No chips until you eat your hotdog" and he's following my direction (but not always without complaint beforehand). Reasoning is just a huge step with kids. When they can reason, you have more control. Now I'm going to have to get to that little climber Mary. No reasoning yet with her. We've resorted to moving our chairs away so she can't climb on our counter. I admire her persistence, however, it will get her far. She's got a lot of "climbing" ahead of her and mastering things physically will give her the confidence to master other tasks later on. I'm almost positive she'll be dressing herself before Ben. :-)

Notable Quotables and the Circle of Life

Two things that were actually said yesterday:

"Mary, get out of the sink!"
I told you she was climbing onto my counters!

and from Ben:
"Mommy, butt scare you?"
When I looked at him with a surprised look after he passed gas long and loud.

I told this last one to Sam when he got home from school and let me tell you...it was right in line with his 9 year old, boy humor. He kept repeating it out loud and laughed and laughed and laughed. You see, Sam and Abby were raised to say "bottom", not "butt". As they've gotten older I've grown more slack and whether I correct them or not depends on how they say it. Of course, the funniest thing in the world to them is to get Ben to say these things like "butt" and "fart"...because I prefer "passed gas". So Ben now thinks that it is not only acceptable to talk like this, but enjoys making Sam and Abby laugh. However, he was very serious when he asked me if his butt scared me.

Ben is starting to step outside of his "everything is about me" stage. Not far...but he does occasionally bring his big toe over the line. When I tripped and hurt my foot on one of the many toys scattered about our family room, I let out a soft cry in pain. He said, "Alright, mommy?". These really are musical words to my ears. So often I am making sure everyone else is alright. That they have all of their needs met and are OK when they fall. What great pleasure it brings me to hear words from Ben's mouth like, "Thank you, Mommy" and "Alright, Mommy?", "OK, Mommy!" and my personal favorite "I love you too". Two year olds don't wear masks...so you know whatever is coming out of their mouths is real. Often I hear the words of distress and need. But a sprinkling of these cute, positive, innocent words go a long way with me. And at night, or in the car, when I hear him sing (a couple of beats behind the tempo of the music) his cute Thomas songs...I just melt. His sweet, lilting voice. I can't even describe it to you...

Either he is showing me more of his sweetness, or my eyes are more able to see it now than before. Whatever it is, I am looking around and God's revealing to me some goodness...some beauty...that I had a tough time seeing before. I only saw the bad. It's like putting on a whole new set of contact lenses that help you to see more clearly. It's not like that stuff wasn't there before...I just couldn't see it. As the kids are getting beyond their neediness and able to be happier on their own, they are showing me some beautiful qualities. I am able to take it all in and it makes me so happy that, in turn, it flows out of me and back to them. I guess that's how God works in my life. He shows me beauty, and if I'm in a good place, I can take it in and then give it back to Him and everyone around me. It's the Circle of Life.

Snapshot Thursday

What's at the top of my to-do list?
--Make a meal for a family in the parish whose dad has a brain tumor. He's a young father of two boys. It's so sad.
--Gear up for the weekend...Ted will be gone on retreat all weekend.*Lookofpanic*. No really, I'm actually feeling good right now and I'm not too worried about it.
--Catch up on mounds of laundry

What have I accomplished?
--I cleared off my kitchen counter! You don't understand how that is a big feat in and of itself.
--I finally made an appointment for Sam's dental cleaning. We had canceled it and then I had to jump through hoops to get it rescheduled because all the good times were taken! I'm now doing it on his spring break in APRIL!!! They're not open on Saturdays at our location and they only have one late day til 6pm. Argghhh.
--Ted did our income tax returns. It's frustrating that 1/3 of it is going towards bills. But I guess I should be looking at the fact that the glass is 2/3 full.
--Got the ball rolling on moving my 401K account into education oriented funds and an IRA. Still waiting to receive the paperwork in the mail.
--Made a commitment to regular, daily prayer time.
--Signed up Abby for softball.

What's bugging me?
--Mary is climbing on EVERYTHING! She will climb on my counter height chairs, and THEN will climb to the counter and WALK AROUND! Ahhhh!!! She's done this on my table too! Luckily, it's usually when I'm in the room, so I can get her down right away. At my sisters house last night, she climbed on her table, dumped my nephew's spaghetti and spilled a soda drenching herself.
--There are little girl's dress up heels sitting in the corner of the kitchen, and have been for a couple of weeks now because I'm too lazy to make a trip downstairs.
--Leaky diapers. It seems like my kids are leaking easily through the night and sometimes during the day. Ben had a diaper that leaked and hopped on my bed. It drenched my covers and went through to the mattress. YUCK. Are they drinking more? Do I need bigger sizes? Ben is already a 5 and Mary is a 3. Maybe it's time to move Mary up at least.

What have I said I was going to do but I haven't?
Man...there are so many things. I felt like I needed to put this in here because sometimes I can be a lot of hot air. I say I'm going to do something and then I lose steam. I'll pick one thing.
--I don't eat as healthy as I pledged to last fall. Although, I had an orange the other day and it was such a positive experience, I think I'm going to eat more of those! I am cooking more so you naturally get more veggies and a well rounded meal when you cook. I just know I still don't get enough fruits or veggies.

What's my latest obsession?
--Having a regular prayer time. I hope this lasts through my "fad" speed of going through things. I really want this to be a habit....always. So far it's working to stop everything at 10pm, get ready for bed, read "The Purpose Driven Life", pray, and chat with Ted before going to sleep. I really love having time to assess my day at the end of it and connect with God.

What's been making me happy?
--After two rounds of antibiotics, Mary is finally cleared of her ear infection! Yaahhh!
--The kids are getting easier. Now that everyone is feeling better, the mood in the house is SO much better. No more ear infection clinginess. Thank God! This makes all the difference to me. When I have more happy moments, it gives me a chance to be hopeful. When I'm swamped with needs...I don't feel the hope that things are going to get better. I'm just sucked into the moment and don't see a way out.
--I really got some great things out of my retreat. I drew a person to pray for and I have all her needs written down. I've sent her a card and told her how I would be praying for her. Doing stuff like this makes me happy. I have an assignment and it's do-able. It's one person. I'm not overwhelmed by one person to pray for. It's also nice to know there is a person who is only praying for me.
Also, we each received a booklet outlining ways each person prays. Where, when, how...etc. All questions we answered were nicely put in a little booklet and now we each have all of these new ideas of how to pray! It's so cool. We had one-on-one reconciliation with each other, we watched a video "guest speaker" on humility, we each took a turn in the "hot seat" while we prayed for each person's needs...and much more. It was just a great retreat...with great ideas.

The other day my hairdresser friend called and told me how she was moving to a new salon. This girl is Catholic, sends her kids to Catholic school, but doesn't necessarily fit the "mold". She cusses like a sailor, and can definitely make me feel like I would never want her mad at me...but somehow, she still knows that she needs God and isn't afraid to talk about it. She called me and told me all the theatrics that happened when she was "kicked out" of her salon (let's just say the cops came). Anyway, she was "talking to God" on the way to checking out a salon and just said to Him, "God, if this is where you want me to be...just give me a sign". She knew this salon because it was owned by a person she worked with about 10 years ago. Her friend was showing her the itty bitty place she could be working at. She approached the breakroom that was the size of a bathroom and said, "Now, don't think we are Holy Rollers or anything...". She opened the door and before her was a prayer wall filled with intentions from the beauticians and even some customers! My friend looked around in amazement as she read the needs. She felt this was her sign. She was meant to be here. How cool it would be to work with people like this!

When she told me this story, I thought about it a bit. Sometimes I feel like this blog is opening the door to my private "break room". Anyone can see my needs and what I'm working on. I feel like saying, "Don't think I'm a Holy Roller or anything!". I'm not! I'm just like anybody else with flaws. I just try to compensate for them through my faith. I don't push it on anyone. I'm more vocal here because you have a choice to read or not. I just want to be myself...and be honest. I don't want to temper what I say because of fear ofjudgmentt. So...welcome to my breakroom! Your still here...thank you for being here.