Ahhh...time to sit down to a good cup of blog. There's nothing like writing when the house is quiet and both kids are in bed. This is VERY rare for me. They hardly ever go down for a nap at the same time. But when the 2 year old inexplicably gets up at 5:20am saying, "I want pop-tarts, Daddy" at the top of his lungs...you can only listen to him for so long before you do what he says. That's about 1 1/2 hours earlier than normal. So I laid him down at 10:30 and I'm praying it sticks. This might be too early... but I was basing my judgement off of loud, tantrum-like screaming when I made him come back upstairs after playing in the basement. My neighbor witnessed this and said, "Oh, Missy...". She's heard it enough over the phone so I doubt she was surprised. But seeing him writhe on the ground like a person doing the stop, drop and roll, may now be a good visual that can accompany all of our future phone conversations.
Anyway, this wasn't all supposed to be about Ben. I just came off a great retreat with my Women's group! The last two years I had a baby to take along because I was nursing (Ben, then Mary). It felt so good to go baby-free. There were two women there with nursing 3 1/2 month olds so I easily got my baby fix in. Not having my own baby...I could totally focus and experience the retreat fully. I've come away with a greater focus on daily personal prayer time. I'm using the book, "Purpose Driven Life" by Rick Warren, for my prayer time. It is set up to be read in 40 days. You can only read one chapter a day and he asks you not to read ahead. He wants you to let each point sink in before you go to the next point. It's very easy reading and the chapters are short. I really just want to start with 10 minute prayer time so I stick with it and let it become a habit. If I do something too long, I'll find excuses to do other things instead.
One of the messages on retreat was about humility...and serving without expecting anything in return. Wooahhhh! This is huge! I'm all about the scale and can get bogged down if I feel like my load is heavier than others. If my needs aren't getting met...I'm a big baby. This was like swallowing peanut butter. It was thick and pasty and I didn't think it would go down. How can I deny my natural needs? Does this mean I have to survive on the attitude of deprivation?? Impossible with me! I speak up if I'm deprived! I assert myself and my needs. But then God gave me a glass of milk and it all started to slide down my throat and sink in. Humility isn't about deprivation. Putting others first and myself last doesn't mean my needs are never met. Somehow...I believe God is telling me that if I live my life helping others and serving others and keeping my personal prayer time, God will give me everything I need (and probably, has ALREADY given me everything I need). I will never feel deprived! To give without expecting something in return is an "attitude of giving", not a scale. It's the answer to true happiness. Can you imagine if everyone gave without expecting anything in return?...it would just be a happier world.
A lot of my unhappiness stems from expectations unmet and not being grateful for what I have right there in front of me! You know how when you are sick and feel miserable you just can't wait to get better. Once you are better you are so happy...just to be healthy! You took it for granted before, but now you know it is a gift to be healthy. You don't need much on top of that to make you happy. It just shows you that happiness is a state of mind. I don't feel like I can adopt that state of mind on my own. I don't think it will just magically appear for me because I want it to. I think I have to spend more time with God. I think He will be a welcome invader to my every space if I just spend more time with Him.
I don't believe that just because someone prays, they won't have hard times, weaknesses, or temptations...but I do believe they have more courage to face whatever it is. They will be more easily reminded of the truth...the bigger picture. I'm used to painting pictures of whatever is before me at the moment. So if it's an ugly topic...the whole picture is ugly because that's all I painted. In truth, the ugly topic is usually smaller than I imagine. The ugly experience might be surrounded by beautiful things that I don't see because of my tight focus. I'm hoping prayer broadens my picture so I can see all the beautiful things that are surrounding me.
Maybe, after a retreat, you might say that I might thinking a little rosey right now. That could be true...but I feel balanced. Ben just cried his head off an hour ago. It was a moment. I knew it would have a beginning and an end. Luckily, it ended in a nap. He will wake up refreshed. My retreat was like a nap. A rest to restore my soul. I've awakened and I'm refreshed!
Tuesday, January 31, 2006
Friday, January 27, 2006
Snapshot Thursday (A Little Late)
What's at the top of my to-do list?
--I'd like to have the house as caught up as possible (laundry, dishes, straightening) before going on retreat.
--I need to write a love letter to Ted for his retreat and I have to turn it in to one of the women of my retreat this weekend. So I really need to do it today!
--Finish packing.
What have I accomplished?
--I finished researching and compiling personal prayer time tips to hand out on my retreat. I'm so glad I took on this project because I really wanted to know myself! Now I'm more motivated to have some regular prayer time. Even if it's just 10 minutes...I really need it.
--Looked into savings options for highschool and college for the kids. We've decided we're going to close my 401K account that has been sitting there since I quit working March 2001. We're going to roll it over into a Traditional IRA and put the max allowed into a "Coverdell ESA". We chose Coverdell because it was the only savings plan that allows you to withdraw the money for private schooling (primary, secondary, etc) in addition to college. So in other words, we could withdraw it for our kids highschool education. We need this before college and probably won't even attempt to pay for our kids college. We will help, but we'll end up taking out loans that they will be responsible for in the long run. I paid for my own education and I think it made me more conscious of how I spent it. Plus, with four kids it's virtually impossible to pay for all of it. Mizzou is $14,000 for a year, including room and board! Highschool is $6000-$7000.
For college, we like Missouri's MOST plan. All of your contributions are tax deductible in addition to withdrawals being tax free. It's one of the top plans in the nation. We'll put a portion of my 401K distribution in this account. The rest will stay in the IRA for future Coverdell contributions. You can only deposit $2000 per child per year. Unfortunately, our annual contributions to Coverdell are not tax deductible...BUT, as with the MOST program, earnings are tax deferred and you can withdraw tax free (if it applies to schooling).
When we do rollover this money into the IRA, we won't pay taxes, HOWEVER, as soon as we put any portion into the Coverdell Account, we will have to add that amount into our adjusted gross income at tax time. With MOST, you can transfer with no tax implications. Got it? Yah, well, I spend all day on it and I finally get it. I feel good that we are finally doing something about their future education. We've been putting it off.
--We set up a budget to hold us accountable on spending. We use Quicken, so all of our checking and credit card account transactions are recorded. This made it pretty easy to come up with a budget. The hard part will be sticking to it.
WhatÂ’s bugging me?
--Where's the star poster I ordered for Sam's room over a week ago???
--I got Abby a sewing machine for Christmas. Like a good mom, I sat down with her and was demonstrating how to use it, when it got all tangled up. We spent the next 30-40 minutes trying to fix it. Abby lost interest and left. I was so frustrated. I don't have the patience to deal with it now butdarn-itt! I want to get my $45 worth out of that machine! I should have just let her use mine. It's like an little pesky burden on my back that that thing doesn't work. It's not a tension thing either. When will I take the time and take it off the shelf to figure it out? Probably never.
What's the buzz?
--Will Michelle Kwan be healthy enough to compete in the Olympics? We'll find out soon.
--Miss America was not on a major network for the first time. It was on CMT. It was pretty cheesy this year. Yes I still watch that stuff occasionally. Why? I have no clue.
What's my latest obsession?
--Like I said earlier...I am motivated to have a regular time set aside for prayer (more than just reading the scripture on my calendar every day). I have the book "Purpose Driven Life" that I bought a while ago and didn't start reading because they make you scared by telling you have to read it everyday and to not go ahead. You have a daily schedule of what you are to read. It's like going on a journey with the book leading you. I didn't want to take the journey until I could commit to reading it the way you are supposed to. Now, I feel I'm ready. I start many things and then give up. Let's see if I can make this work.
WhatÂ’s been making me happy?
--I love my MOXI box from Charter. You can call it a DVR or TiVo equivalent...basically they are all the same. I can record my shows onto a digital box just by pressing a button. If the kids are loud in the middle of a program I want to watch, I just pause the live show! Or I can hit record and it automatically starts the recording from the beginning of the show to the end. You don't have to enter start and end times. This invention is BRILLIANT I tell you! I never buy videos or DVD's anymore because I just record the shows on TV and save them for the kids. If the want Wiggles, I just scroll down to one of the recorded shows and click on it with my remote. Wiggles is on! No more waiting for the right time of day! Ted and I enjoy watching a recorded show after the kids go down. We just love it. Anyway, Ted just told me that Charter ran out of these boxes. They cost Charter $600 piecece! All employees get them free. They are too expensive for Charter to order more so no new customers can be added to this service. Ted said they were considering taking them back from the employees. *WrappingarmsaroundMOXI*. NO NO NO....please don't take my MOXI!!!! Ted said they decided against it...Thank God! Some people just don't know how important this stuff is to a stay at home mom. Now to figure out what to do with all of my video tapes. Half went to my mom. I sure don't miss rewinding!
--Speaking of recorded shows...we watch "The Office"hilariousus) and "My Name is Earl" (anothehilariousus show). And of course I record Oprah and my new interest "The Bachelor" because it's a DR from Missouri....and it's just mindless escape watching these ladies all obsessing and competing for one man. It makes me grateful not to be single.
--I can't wait to go on retreat!!!
--I'd like to have the house as caught up as possible (laundry, dishes, straightening) before going on retreat.
--I need to write a love letter to Ted for his retreat and I have to turn it in to one of the women of my retreat this weekend. So I really need to do it today!
--Finish packing.
What have I accomplished?
--I finished researching and compiling personal prayer time tips to hand out on my retreat. I'm so glad I took on this project because I really wanted to know myself! Now I'm more motivated to have some regular prayer time. Even if it's just 10 minutes...I really need it.
--Looked into savings options for highschool and college for the kids. We've decided we're going to close my 401K account that has been sitting there since I quit working March 2001. We're going to roll it over into a Traditional IRA and put the max allowed into a "Coverdell ESA". We chose Coverdell because it was the only savings plan that allows you to withdraw the money for private schooling (primary, secondary, etc) in addition to college. So in other words, we could withdraw it for our kids highschool education. We need this before college and probably won't even attempt to pay for our kids college. We will help, but we'll end up taking out loans that they will be responsible for in the long run. I paid for my own education and I think it made me more conscious of how I spent it. Plus, with four kids it's virtually impossible to pay for all of it. Mizzou is $14,000 for a year, including room and board! Highschool is $6000-$7000.
For college, we like Missouri's MOST plan. All of your contributions are tax deductible in addition to withdrawals being tax free. It's one of the top plans in the nation. We'll put a portion of my 401K distribution in this account. The rest will stay in the IRA for future Coverdell contributions. You can only deposit $2000 per child per year. Unfortunately, our annual contributions to Coverdell are not tax deductible...BUT, as with the MOST program, earnings are tax deferred and you can withdraw tax free (if it applies to schooling).
When we do rollover this money into the IRA, we won't pay taxes, HOWEVER, as soon as we put any portion into the Coverdell Account, we will have to add that amount into our adjusted gross income at tax time. With MOST, you can transfer with no tax implications. Got it? Yah, well, I spend all day on it and I finally get it. I feel good that we are finally doing something about their future education. We've been putting it off.
--We set up a budget to hold us accountable on spending. We use Quicken, so all of our checking and credit card account transactions are recorded. This made it pretty easy to come up with a budget. The hard part will be sticking to it.
WhatÂ’s bugging me?
--Where's the star poster I ordered for Sam's room over a week ago???
--I got Abby a sewing machine for Christmas. Like a good mom, I sat down with her and was demonstrating how to use it, when it got all tangled up. We spent the next 30-40 minutes trying to fix it. Abby lost interest and left. I was so frustrated. I don't have the patience to deal with it now butdarn-itt! I want to get my $45 worth out of that machine! I should have just let her use mine. It's like an little pesky burden on my back that that thing doesn't work. It's not a tension thing either. When will I take the time and take it off the shelf to figure it out? Probably never.
What's the buzz?
--Will Michelle Kwan be healthy enough to compete in the Olympics? We'll find out soon.
--Miss America was not on a major network for the first time. It was on CMT. It was pretty cheesy this year. Yes I still watch that stuff occasionally. Why? I have no clue.
What's my latest obsession?
--Like I said earlier...I am motivated to have a regular time set aside for prayer (more than just reading the scripture on my calendar every day). I have the book "Purpose Driven Life" that I bought a while ago and didn't start reading because they make you scared by telling you have to read it everyday and to not go ahead. You have a daily schedule of what you are to read. It's like going on a journey with the book leading you. I didn't want to take the journey until I could commit to reading it the way you are supposed to. Now, I feel I'm ready. I start many things and then give up. Let's see if I can make this work.
WhatÂ’s been making me happy?
--I love my MOXI box from Charter. You can call it a DVR or TiVo equivalent...basically they are all the same. I can record my shows onto a digital box just by pressing a button. If the kids are loud in the middle of a program I want to watch, I just pause the live show! Or I can hit record and it automatically starts the recording from the beginning of the show to the end. You don't have to enter start and end times. This invention is BRILLIANT I tell you! I never buy videos or DVD's anymore because I just record the shows on TV and save them for the kids. If the want Wiggles, I just scroll down to one of the recorded shows and click on it with my remote. Wiggles is on! No more waiting for the right time of day! Ted and I enjoy watching a recorded show after the kids go down. We just love it. Anyway, Ted just told me that Charter ran out of these boxes. They cost Charter $600 piecece! All employees get them free. They are too expensive for Charter to order more so no new customers can be added to this service. Ted said they were considering taking them back from the employees. *WrappingarmsaroundMOXI*. NO NO NO....please don't take my MOXI!!!! Ted said they decided against it...Thank God! Some people just don't know how important this stuff is to a stay at home mom. Now to figure out what to do with all of my video tapes. Half went to my mom. I sure don't miss rewinding!
--Speaking of recorded shows...we watch "The Office"hilariousus) and "My Name is Earl" (anothehilariousus show). And of course I record Oprah and my new interest "The Bachelor" because it's a DR from Missouri....and it's just mindless escape watching these ladies all obsessing and competing for one man. It makes me grateful not to be single.
--I can't wait to go on retreat!!!
Tuesday, January 24, 2006
Flashback Writing Day
I used to be a big poem writer. I still have it in me, just not the time. Ted was my inspiration for a while...back in the days when I could oogle over him. Here's one that I wrote 10/18/90...15 years ago. Let's see...where was I then? I had just come back from Mizzou (University of Missouri-Columbia) the spring before. My grades were bad...I ran out of money and my mom just had her operation for her brain tumor. I knew by then that Ted was the one for me after meeting mostly jerks at Mizzou. I started my Junior year at the local university and stayed in town until I graduated. This poem was written at the beginning of my Junior year. I guess I wanted to be reassured that our relationship hadn't suffered too much while I was away at school. It was written in the school library when I should have been focused on studying!
By My Side
Hold me close and never cease,
Make me feel a hushing peace.
Give me love and whisper close,
Fill me with your inner most.
Let me feel like I'm alive,
Just be near me, by my side.
Say my doubts aren't even needed,
Cause we'll have what we've believed in.
Tell me that you'll never leave,
Be sincere so I believe.
Will you stay when I am weak?
When times are tough and life looks bleak?
Smile and see my comfort rise,
As you look into my eyes.
Then I'll see the love you feel,
And I'll know it must be real.
Hold my hand and we'll survive,
Just stay near me, by my side.
15 years, a marriage and four kids later...this is still pretty much all I want...is him by my side. I know now that he won't leave. We've seen me weak and life look bleak and he's still here. Life is so much sweeter with him by my side. I can't picture it any other way.
By My Side
Hold me close and never cease,
Make me feel a hushing peace.
Give me love and whisper close,
Fill me with your inner most.
Let me feel like I'm alive,
Just be near me, by my side.
Say my doubts aren't even needed,
Cause we'll have what we've believed in.
Tell me that you'll never leave,
Be sincere so I believe.
Will you stay when I am weak?
When times are tough and life looks bleak?
Smile and see my comfort rise,
As you look into my eyes.
Then I'll see the love you feel,
And I'll know it must be real.
Hold my hand and we'll survive,
Just stay near me, by my side.
15 years, a marriage and four kids later...this is still pretty much all I want...is him by my side. I know now that he won't leave. We've seen me weak and life look bleak and he's still here. Life is so much sweeter with him by my side. I can't picture it any other way.
It's Tough Being Two
I just laid down Ben for the night. *Whew*. We have a ritual of brushing teeth, reading a book and then going upstairs to his room to sing songs. I really like the song time. Most of the time we sing Thomas the Tank Engine songs. I know all the words to most of the songs. We sing about three. He makes his requests and I lead the singing. He used to just listen. Now he is singing along with me and their is nothing more precious. I love the way he says each word in his own pronunciation. For example, "Thomas we love you..." from him sounds like, "Thomas welauyou".
Just 1 1/2 hours earlier we were trying to eat dinner (he wasn't hungry) and he was crying at my feet, "Mommy, Mommy, hold you, hold you!!!". The rest of the family tried to hold a conversation a couple of levels above his screams but it was very difficult. It was a crazy time. But moments ago he was the sweetest, most precious child.
I know he can be really difficult sometimes and high maintenance...but I know, and I really believe this deep down, he's going to grow into a very charming person. I see glimpses of it now when he says, "Thank you, Mommy", really sweetly, and "I lauyou too, Mommy". I see it when he comes rushing to me when I walk in the door after being out. I make him the happiest person in the world whenever I return home. I see it when he plays with Sam and Abby, running around the house, laughing. I see it when he sits down with Mary and shares the box of goldfish saying, "Here you go, Mary". Now, if I could only blot out the other visions like the one of him bodyslamming Mary to the floor, he'd be the perfect child. But that's Ben. He's extremes. High or low, laughing or crying, independent or needy. It's tough being two.
Just 1 1/2 hours earlier we were trying to eat dinner (he wasn't hungry) and he was crying at my feet, "Mommy, Mommy, hold you, hold you!!!". The rest of the family tried to hold a conversation a couple of levels above his screams but it was very difficult. It was a crazy time. But moments ago he was the sweetest, most precious child.
I know he can be really difficult sometimes and high maintenance...but I know, and I really believe this deep down, he's going to grow into a very charming person. I see glimpses of it now when he says, "Thank you, Mommy", really sweetly, and "I lauyou too, Mommy". I see it when he comes rushing to me when I walk in the door after being out. I make him the happiest person in the world whenever I return home. I see it when he plays with Sam and Abby, running around the house, laughing. I see it when he sits down with Mary and shares the box of goldfish saying, "Here you go, Mary". Now, if I could only blot out the other visions like the one of him bodyslamming Mary to the floor, he'd be the perfect child. But that's Ben. He's extremes. High or low, laughing or crying, independent or needy. It's tough being two.
Thursday, January 19, 2006
I Want to go See Oprah!!!
My friends and I have decided we want to see Oprah before she retires. Apparently, this is not an easy task. I researched it a little. From what I understand, you have to call and call and call...AND...IF you even get through, there is rarely a seat available. How depressing. Well, I don't think I'm persistent enough, nor do I have enough time, to make all the phone calls. So, in researching information, I found out the best way to get on the show. On her website she has all these questions...Have you let yourself go? Do you have a really ugly room in your house? Have you made a mistake that changed your life forever? Has Faith Hill and Tim McGraw had a positive influence on your marriage? Have you lost your sex drive? etc, etc. Well...I'm pretty honest so I could never lie or exaggerate my life in order to get on the show. But I've heard if you even respond to these questions, they might put you in the audience. Like if they want a bunch of Faith Hill fans they'll put people in the audience who responded to the question, or they'll show parts of your e-mail. I really DON'T want to be ON the show. I just want to GO. But if this gives me better chances, I'll try. The question I could actually reply to, was: "Have you done something crazy for love?" So I responded with this e-mail:
When I was 16 years old I worked at McDonald's restaurant and had a crush on a guy at work. I didn't know him very well because our interchange was limited to, "I need a six piece please!" and "No more Big Macs in the bin!". One day I had the bright idea to drive by his house. I just wanted to see where he lived. I looked up his name in the phone book. One problem...he was only 17 and still living at home and I didn't know his Dad or Mom's name. So I just picked a person with the same last name that was in the vicinity of our work and decided I would drive by to see if his car was parked out front.
One night after I closed, I drove by the house that I thought could be his. My McDonaldland cookies dropped and I looked down...as I looked up, I had no chance to react because I was heading straight for a parked street cleaning truck. I ran head-on into it. My face slammed against the steering wheel and I bit into my tongue. I could taste the blood. I went to the nearest house which happened to be his cousin's who was the Swing Manager at the time (different last name) and knocked on the door. Her dad answered in his underwear (remember...2:30am). I'm crying, explaining my accident. He lets me in. His daughter and wife wake up. They called my parents who came to get me. Of course, his cousin's first question was, "What are you doing out here??" I had to explain my foolish endeavor (I'm not a good liar). Why didn't I ask her where her cousin lived to begin with???? (Eventually, I got his true address from his parish buzz book and drove by without a hitch). Anyway, they took me to ER and I got 12 stitches in my tongue. Our family van was totaled. My parents were mad but felt I was punished enough. I was SO embarrassed about the whole situation. His cousin told her parents, who told his parents...but he never found out.
I remember seeing him in the breakroom. I talked to him with a lisp because of my stitches. He had no idea my accident was because of him! To make a long story short...about six months later, he found out I liked him, and we started dating. We dated until I finished college and then got married. We've been married for 13 1/2 years and have four children. I still have pictures of us in our McDonald's uniforms. We are so glad we shared that job, because I wouldn't have ever met him if I didn't work there. And as for the accident? He was worth it!!
When I was 16 years old I worked at McDonald's restaurant and had a crush on a guy at work. I didn't know him very well because our interchange was limited to, "I need a six piece please!" and "No more Big Macs in the bin!". One day I had the bright idea to drive by his house. I just wanted to see where he lived. I looked up his name in the phone book. One problem...he was only 17 and still living at home and I didn't know his Dad or Mom's name. So I just picked a person with the same last name that was in the vicinity of our work and decided I would drive by to see if his car was parked out front.
One night after I closed, I drove by the house that I thought could be his. My McDonaldland cookies dropped and I looked down...as I looked up, I had no chance to react because I was heading straight for a parked street cleaning truck. I ran head-on into it. My face slammed against the steering wheel and I bit into my tongue. I could taste the blood. I went to the nearest house which happened to be his cousin's who was the Swing Manager at the time (different last name) and knocked on the door. Her dad answered in his underwear (remember...2:30am). I'm crying, explaining my accident. He lets me in. His daughter and wife wake up. They called my parents who came to get me. Of course, his cousin's first question was, "What are you doing out here??" I had to explain my foolish endeavor (I'm not a good liar). Why didn't I ask her where her cousin lived to begin with???? (Eventually, I got his true address from his parish buzz book and drove by without a hitch). Anyway, they took me to ER and I got 12 stitches in my tongue. Our family van was totaled. My parents were mad but felt I was punished enough. I was SO embarrassed about the whole situation. His cousin told her parents, who told his parents...but he never found out.
I remember seeing him in the breakroom. I talked to him with a lisp because of my stitches. He had no idea my accident was because of him! To make a long story short...about six months later, he found out I liked him, and we started dating. We dated until I finished college and then got married. We've been married for 13 1/2 years and have four children. I still have pictures of us in our McDonald's uniforms. We are so glad we shared that job, because I wouldn't have ever met him if I didn't work there. And as for the accident? He was worth it!!
Snapshot Thursday
What’s at the top of my to-do list?
--Make a dessert for the Pinewood Derby on Saturday (uggh).
--Reschedule Sam's dental cleaning
--Collect information on "How to Spend Quite Time with God" for my retreat in less than two weeks
What have I accomplished?
--I'm gradually cleaning up clutter spots
--Finished painting Sam's room last weekend. Now we only have Ben's to go and the whole house will have been repainted (since January 04 when we moved in)
--I bought bulletin boards for the kids' rooms and put material on them. (See above)
--Ordered a glow in the dark Star chart poster for Sam's room (he loves the stars)
What’s bugging me?
--Ted thinks I sometimes divulge too much info on my blog. He didn't like my last entry. I see his point of view. I try not to talk about people. I did share something very personal about a person I barely know myself. His fear is that someone would see it that knows me and knows who's in my carpool and her secret would be out. I just see the chance of this happening as very rare. None of the mom's at my kid's school even know I have a blog. Her name is not mentioned. But I do feel disturbed that he feels this way. I see his point of view. If there is any input out there that I have crossed the line....I will delete the entry. I just think it's an interesting situation. One that can teach me something. I like sharing things that me and other people can learn from. Input people? I told him very few people even read my blog and even fewer are regulars. However, he has a very good moral compass and I want to pay attention to it. He reads my blog too...Hi honey. :-)
--Mary's ear infection never went away after 10 days on amoxicyllin (sp?). Now she's on Augmentin. At least she doesn't puke up the antibiotics like Ben used to. He dreaded taking them so much, he'd get all worked up...We'd inject it down his throat and *blech* it all came back up. So I am very grateful that Mary eventually becomes cooperative and takes her medicine. I DO NOT take it for granted!
-- When Ben comes to me with a need (either in tears or regular), Mary cries louder than him and runs to me. She is very possessive and wants me to pick her up instead of him. As soon as I pick her up, she's quiet.
--Ben will NOT let me wash his hair...which has turned into not wanting a bath at all because he realizes they are related. My last bath episode turned into a disaster! Both Ben and Mary were screaming (her feeding off of him) wanting out of the tub like they were in the middle of a hurricane! Ted had to do it last time and forced him. I praised him over and over for his bravery. He said, "Thank you, Mommy". Oh...these words will forever melt my heart. I said, "Were you scared?" and he said, "Yah"....*sniff* *sniff*.
--The pile of dishes in my sink
What’s my latest obsession?
--Getting rid of clutter!
--Finishing the decorating of my kid's rooms
What’s been making me happy?
--My sister Becky is PREGNANT!!!! She's due Sept 24. We are so excited!
--The kids had great report cards!!
--Ben and Mary have had two decent days. Not too clingy...able to entertain themselves. Thank you, Lord!
--Date night this Saturday!!
--Crop day this Sunday!!
--We're planning a camping trip this summer to Gulf Shores, AL. We're just making sure the beaches are OK and everything is in better condition.
--My retreat is coming up. Ahhhh....a weekend away...to rest...to listen to God...to share time with a group of wonderful women.
Tuesday, January 17, 2006
Love Letter to Mom
My mom is going on retreat this coming weekend. The people giving the retreat ask that friends and family write a "love letter" to the retreatant. This is my love letter to my mom.
Mom,
I’m glad you are going on a CRHP. I hope to go on one too…so you’ll have to let me know how you like it. You’ve done this whole letter thing before…but it’s always nice to hear from loved ones how much they love you. So here is my letter to you.
One thing that totally blesses me is your desire to help me with the kids and the house. It is so reassuring knowing that you are only 10 minutes away. At this challenging time in my life with two little ones, you know exactly how to help me. From watching the kids while I go to a Doctors appointment to coming over so I don’t have to wake up Ben when I pick up the kids from school. You’ve been there so many times for me, I don’t know how to thank you enough.
Another blessing is just being able to hang out with you. I love it when we can go out to lunch or go shopping. I love the time we spend together. I think about the mothers and daughters who are separated by miles and miles and I’m so glad that is not us. I really enjoy your company. Some people who have parents who get on their nerves. I’m glad I don’t feel that way. I love you. I really do. And even more than that, we have a good laugh when we’re together. You let me joke and be silly. I feel comfortable in being myself. Thank you.
I’m also so grateful that you gave me two awesome sisters. It’s a gift that you might not realize…I will continue to blessed by long after your gone. My sisters are my best friends. They are the Godmothers of my children, they are my faith confidants, they are my listening ears on a hard day. I will always be totally grateful and overwhelmed by the awesomeness of this gift. They are a creation from you and dad as close to me as I can get. Thank you for my sisters.
I thank you for my brothers too. Not because we are close or see each other much. But through them I have seen a marriage be tested, a love that is strong, a couple that perseveres through difficult times. Because of them, I will know that my family does not have to be perfect because no family is. Because of them, I am more compassionate to different personalities that see things in ways that I don’t. Because of them, I know that no matter how hard you try as a parent, in the end you have to accept that your children will chose their own walk. I’ve also learned that you don’t have to give up on praying for them. Thank you for setting this example for me.
You’ve shown me how to watch my money, but also to splurge on the things that I really love. You’ve shown me how to love my house and make it feel cozy, homey, and pretty.
You’ve shown me how to be feminine, proper (not that I always am), pretty, and to dress myself with respect as a woman of God. I think I chose such a great husband, because I knew I was worth it. You only chose the best for yourself. Dad has done such an awesome job of helping you raise six kids, helping you through the worse times of your illness, and always rescuing his beautiful princess whenever she felt in need of it. I think I intuitively knew I needed this attentitiveness…and found it in Ted. Thank you for setting the example of what I should expect from my husband.
Thank you for showing me how to be a prayerful woman of God. I’m still working on this. But I know God reaches me where I am. I know he hears my prayer from the craziness of our house. I know this because you knew it. You taught me to know it. I know my God is always here…compassionate and loving. He has been there for you and he will be here for me. Thank you for living out your faith so openly with me. It’s a lifelong gift that will always be feeding me and sustaining me.
I love you mom. I hope you are enjoying your retreat (even though you are sleeping on the floor). Thank you for all that you do and all that you are.
Missy
Mom,
I’m glad you are going on a CRHP. I hope to go on one too…so you’ll have to let me know how you like it. You’ve done this whole letter thing before…but it’s always nice to hear from loved ones how much they love you. So here is my letter to you.
One thing that totally blesses me is your desire to help me with the kids and the house. It is so reassuring knowing that you are only 10 minutes away. At this challenging time in my life with two little ones, you know exactly how to help me. From watching the kids while I go to a Doctors appointment to coming over so I don’t have to wake up Ben when I pick up the kids from school. You’ve been there so many times for me, I don’t know how to thank you enough.
Another blessing is just being able to hang out with you. I love it when we can go out to lunch or go shopping. I love the time we spend together. I think about the mothers and daughters who are separated by miles and miles and I’m so glad that is not us. I really enjoy your company. Some people who have parents who get on their nerves. I’m glad I don’t feel that way. I love you. I really do. And even more than that, we have a good laugh when we’re together. You let me joke and be silly. I feel comfortable in being myself. Thank you.
I’m also so grateful that you gave me two awesome sisters. It’s a gift that you might not realize…I will continue to blessed by long after your gone. My sisters are my best friends. They are the Godmothers of my children, they are my faith confidants, they are my listening ears on a hard day. I will always be totally grateful and overwhelmed by the awesomeness of this gift. They are a creation from you and dad as close to me as I can get. Thank you for my sisters.
I thank you for my brothers too. Not because we are close or see each other much. But through them I have seen a marriage be tested, a love that is strong, a couple that perseveres through difficult times. Because of them, I will know that my family does not have to be perfect because no family is. Because of them, I am more compassionate to different personalities that see things in ways that I don’t. Because of them, I know that no matter how hard you try as a parent, in the end you have to accept that your children will chose their own walk. I’ve also learned that you don’t have to give up on praying for them. Thank you for setting this example for me.
You’ve shown me how to watch my money, but also to splurge on the things that I really love. You’ve shown me how to love my house and make it feel cozy, homey, and pretty.
You’ve shown me how to be feminine, proper (not that I always am), pretty, and to dress myself with respect as a woman of God. I think I chose such a great husband, because I knew I was worth it. You only chose the best for yourself. Dad has done such an awesome job of helping you raise six kids, helping you through the worse times of your illness, and always rescuing his beautiful princess whenever she felt in need of it. I think I intuitively knew I needed this attentitiveness…and found it in Ted. Thank you for setting the example of what I should expect from my husband.
Thank you for showing me how to be a prayerful woman of God. I’m still working on this. But I know God reaches me where I am. I know he hears my prayer from the craziness of our house. I know this because you knew it. You taught me to know it. I know my God is always here…compassionate and loving. He has been there for you and he will be here for me. Thank you for living out your faith so openly with me. It’s a lifelong gift that will always be feeding me and sustaining me.
I love you mom. I hope you are enjoying your retreat (even though you are sleeping on the floor). Thank you for all that you do and all that you are.
Missy
Thursday, January 12, 2006
Snapshot Thursday
What's at the top of my to-do list?
--Paint Sam's room
--Paint Ben's room
--Have Ted bring Christmas containers downstairs!!
--Have Ted take down the cotton pickin' Christmas lights!
What have I accomplished?
--This morning I went through all the toy containers in my Family Room. Gave some to good will, gave some to my sister who's trying for a baby, and threw some away. Ahhh...feels good.
--Organized the foyer closet.
--Played in a soccer game Tuesday night without injuring myself!
--Sold and shipped off Ted's PSP
What's bugging me?
--The see-saw napping of Ben and Mary. When will they ever nap at the same time??
--The Christmas containers sitting in my unfurnished Dining Room.
--My disgustingly stained family room carpeting. I can't get new carpeting while we have children with leaky sippy cups, bringing poptarts with gooey stuff into the room, wiping their snotty noses anywhere they want. Ugghhh..
--When you vent with someone about the effort required to take the little ones out and she says, "What about when I had three young ones (three and under)...I took them out all the time!" I guess you're just Super Woman...aren't you? (I know...that's not being very Christian :-).
Low point of the week:
--There's a tie. Either it's when I backed into my parent's car that was parked in my driveway and damaged their side view mirror costing us $350 in repairs and the trust of my parents (they said they'll park in the street next time).
-----or------
It's when I was sitting on my bedroom floor crying, with Ben and Mary screaming/crying at me, climbing all over me when Sam comes into the room...see's everyone out of control and tries to pick up Ben who doesn't let him and then picks up Mary who fights him off and then leaves the room crying. I'm a failure as a mom!!!!!
I'll explain. It's been rough around here lately. The kids are leaving me little breathing room. I feel like my life is full of demands from them and nothing for me. I'm able to write this because Mary is sleeping. But if you could see the behind the scenes of what I'm doing for Ben while I write this. I step away from this laptop many times to fufill requests. If Mary was awake, it would be impossible to type without her wanting me to stop. It takes me a long time to write this blog. Sometimes I just don't because the sacrifice it involves. There are too many things I need to do around the house. But when I sit down to type....it's like therapy. My shoulders relax, my fingers click away and somehow...so does some of the stress....just by expressing my thoughts as honestly as I know how.
It's seems like the intensity of their neediness ebbs and flows. I'm in an ebb right now. It can be very ungratifying. But soon the flow will come and I'll be saying, "Wow, it's great! I'm getting all kinds of things done around the house!". See, the house is therapy for me too. I love to be able to focus on getting the house in order. It's hard for me not to have any diversions for myself.
Let's see...what led up to the crying on the floor? It was a day of neediness following a week of neediness. It was a day of me rewinding the the Thomas video to Ben's favorite song every time it ended. It was a day of refilling sippy cups, changing diapers, picking up toys, Ted calling me telling me he's been invited to fly out to Florida for 3 1/2 days to watch the Cardinals in Spring training in March, Ben pushing Mary when she got into his toys, Mary crying, Ben going into time-out, Ben crying, me holding Ben in time out, me trying to get Ben to apologize, Ben finally apologizing, Mary falling down and hurting herself, me holding Mary trying to comfort her, Ben wanting to be held too, me picking up Ben with Mary in my arms, Ben leaning back and falling out of my arms, Ben crying, me exhausted. Somewhere in there I escaped to my room and shut the door. Ben was screaming outside my door (how dare I ever shut a door on him!). Both of them by this time are outside my door crying for me. I just broke down and started crying myself. Then I opened the door to let them in. I sat on the floor so they could both be with me without me carrying them. So we were all crying when Sam came in. You get the rest.
It was an "I'm a failure of a mom" moment. It's a moment when you say, "What's in it for me??" I say a moment, because this is only a slice of a life. There are so many other times when I feel completely blessed. I am kissing my kids all over. They say cute things, act cute and I'm thrilled to be a mom.
What's my latest obsession?
--Haven't really had time for one lately
What's in the news?
--Oprah's book club selection from last fall "A Million Little Pieces" had me wanting to go out and get the book simply because her whole staff was talking about how hard it was to put down. Now the writer is getting trouble because it was supposed to bememoirior about drug addiction and recovery, only to find out he embellished a lot. That would kinda ruin it for me. It's not really a full true story.
--Angelina Jolie is pregnant with Brad Pitts baby! When are they going to get married??? He's already adopted her two children. Wow. How is Jennifer feeling right now.
What's been making me happy?
--I'm really liking the new jeans I bought a Kohl's. Low rise, boot cut, stretch. My favorite ingredients. The "What Not to Wear" ladies say anything high wasted and tapered makes your butt look bigger. I thought tapered was the way to go for a looonnnnggg time. Then I realized a jean that comes in at the knee and then flares out, makes my soccer legs look slimmer. I also realized that "roominess in the seat and thigh" only make my thick thighs look thicker. And that the big boxy shirts do nothing for me. I need something that shows off my smaller waist...even if it reveals my smaller bust. So, learning how to dress myself makes me happy. It also makes me happy when people say, "Have you lost weight?"...no...I just wear tighter jeans and shirts. If only I can figure out how to bend over without my whole back showing.
--A good cry always makes me feel better. When I hit a low, I'm very constructive about it. What can I do to change things to make it better? I've decided the kids are bored and need more stimulation. I'm going to start doing playdates with my neighbor and her 2 1/2 year old and on Fridays I'm going to take the kids to the mall to eat lunch and let them play in the play area. We'll see how that goes. On Mondays, my sister might come over in the mornings. It will help break up the long week with the little ones.
--Game night on Wednesdays has been going great. Abby and Sam love their special time with us after Ben and Mary go to bed.
--I fell off the meal plan wagon. Now I'm back on. Hopefully I can stay on.
--I don't pick up today so Ben can have a full nap!
--Paint Sam's room
--Paint Ben's room
--Have Ted bring Christmas containers downstairs!!
--Have Ted take down the cotton pickin' Christmas lights!
What have I accomplished?
--This morning I went through all the toy containers in my Family Room. Gave some to good will, gave some to my sister who's trying for a baby, and threw some away. Ahhh...feels good.
--Organized the foyer closet.
--Played in a soccer game Tuesday night without injuring myself!
--Sold and shipped off Ted's PSP
What's bugging me?
--The see-saw napping of Ben and Mary. When will they ever nap at the same time??
--The Christmas containers sitting in my unfurnished Dining Room.
--My disgustingly stained family room carpeting. I can't get new carpeting while we have children with leaky sippy cups, bringing poptarts with gooey stuff into the room, wiping their snotty noses anywhere they want. Ugghhh..
--When you vent with someone about the effort required to take the little ones out and she says, "What about when I had three young ones (three and under)...I took them out all the time!" I guess you're just Super Woman...aren't you? (I know...that's not being very Christian :-).
Low point of the week:
--There's a tie. Either it's when I backed into my parent's car that was parked in my driveway and damaged their side view mirror costing us $350 in repairs and the trust of my parents (they said they'll park in the street next time).
-----or------
It's when I was sitting on my bedroom floor crying, with Ben and Mary screaming/crying at me, climbing all over me when Sam comes into the room...see's everyone out of control and tries to pick up Ben who doesn't let him and then picks up Mary who fights him off and then leaves the room crying. I'm a failure as a mom!!!!!
I'll explain. It's been rough around here lately. The kids are leaving me little breathing room. I feel like my life is full of demands from them and nothing for me. I'm able to write this because Mary is sleeping. But if you could see the behind the scenes of what I'm doing for Ben while I write this. I step away from this laptop many times to fufill requests. If Mary was awake, it would be impossible to type without her wanting me to stop. It takes me a long time to write this blog. Sometimes I just don't because the sacrifice it involves. There are too many things I need to do around the house. But when I sit down to type....it's like therapy. My shoulders relax, my fingers click away and somehow...so does some of the stress....just by expressing my thoughts as honestly as I know how.
It's seems like the intensity of their neediness ebbs and flows. I'm in an ebb right now. It can be very ungratifying. But soon the flow will come and I'll be saying, "Wow, it's great! I'm getting all kinds of things done around the house!". See, the house is therapy for me too. I love to be able to focus on getting the house in order. It's hard for me not to have any diversions for myself.
Let's see...what led up to the crying on the floor? It was a day of neediness following a week of neediness. It was a day of me rewinding the the Thomas video to Ben's favorite song every time it ended. It was a day of refilling sippy cups, changing diapers, picking up toys, Ted calling me telling me he's been invited to fly out to Florida for 3 1/2 days to watch the Cardinals in Spring training in March, Ben pushing Mary when she got into his toys, Mary crying, Ben going into time-out, Ben crying, me holding Ben in time out, me trying to get Ben to apologize, Ben finally apologizing, Mary falling down and hurting herself, me holding Mary trying to comfort her, Ben wanting to be held too, me picking up Ben with Mary in my arms, Ben leaning back and falling out of my arms, Ben crying, me exhausted. Somewhere in there I escaped to my room and shut the door. Ben was screaming outside my door (how dare I ever shut a door on him!). Both of them by this time are outside my door crying for me. I just broke down and started crying myself. Then I opened the door to let them in. I sat on the floor so they could both be with me without me carrying them. So we were all crying when Sam came in. You get the rest.
It was an "I'm a failure of a mom" moment. It's a moment when you say, "What's in it for me??" I say a moment, because this is only a slice of a life. There are so many other times when I feel completely blessed. I am kissing my kids all over. They say cute things, act cute and I'm thrilled to be a mom.
What's my latest obsession?
--Haven't really had time for one lately
What's in the news?
--Oprah's book club selection from last fall "A Million Little Pieces" had me wanting to go out and get the book simply because her whole staff was talking about how hard it was to put down. Now the writer is getting trouble because it was supposed to bememoirior about drug addiction and recovery, only to find out he embellished a lot. That would kinda ruin it for me. It's not really a full true story.
--Angelina Jolie is pregnant with Brad Pitts baby! When are they going to get married??? He's already adopted her two children. Wow. How is Jennifer feeling right now.
What's been making me happy?
--I'm really liking the new jeans I bought a Kohl's. Low rise, boot cut, stretch. My favorite ingredients. The "What Not to Wear" ladies say anything high wasted and tapered makes your butt look bigger. I thought tapered was the way to go for a looonnnnggg time. Then I realized a jean that comes in at the knee and then flares out, makes my soccer legs look slimmer. I also realized that "roominess in the seat and thigh" only make my thick thighs look thicker. And that the big boxy shirts do nothing for me. I need something that shows off my smaller waist...even if it reveals my smaller bust. So, learning how to dress myself makes me happy. It also makes me happy when people say, "Have you lost weight?"...no...I just wear tighter jeans and shirts. If only I can figure out how to bend over without my whole back showing.
--A good cry always makes me feel better. When I hit a low, I'm very constructive about it. What can I do to change things to make it better? I've decided the kids are bored and need more stimulation. I'm going to start doing playdates with my neighbor and her 2 1/2 year old and on Fridays I'm going to take the kids to the mall to eat lunch and let them play in the play area. We'll see how that goes. On Mondays, my sister might come over in the mornings. It will help break up the long week with the little ones.
--Game night on Wednesdays has been going great. Abby and Sam love their special time with us after Ben and Mary go to bed.
--I fell off the meal plan wagon. Now I'm back on. Hopefully I can stay on.
--I don't pick up today so Ben can have a full nap!
Tuesday, January 10, 2006
Time to Leave the Cave
Last night we went to Chuck E Cheese. It was a fundraiser for the school. I wasn't really planning on going because it was Ted's Men's Group night and he wouldn't be able to come. I couldn't picture me doing it without him because frankly, last time it was difficult and he WAS there. I was hoping they would just forget about it, but then, the kids came home with big round stickers that were good for 10 free tokens each! Tokens are coveted. They are gold in my kid's eyes. I thought about it. I had a bit of a down day. Mommy this, mommy that...I could stand to get out of the house...even if it was Chuck E Cheese's. I armed myself with everything I felt I needed to survive the night:
--Stroller for out of control toddler--Check!
--Sippy cups for those who shouldn't drink from the soda fountain--Check!
--Talk to the older ones telling them they would need to help me--Check!
--Diapers, wipes--Check!
--Attitude of accepting whatever comes--Check!
When I tell the kids we were going, they were so excited. They were more than happy to help with Ben and Mary....especially since it meant we could go. As soon as we got there, we ordered our pizza (regular price! I couldn't find a coupon! uggg), we got our katrillion tokens and went to find a table. I noticed my soccer mom friends all around the place. And when I say soccer moms, they are not only mom's of kids who play soccer, but they are on my indoor soccer team as well! It made me feel really good to see so many people I knew.
Just earlier that day I was saying to my neighbor, no I don't really feel that connected to my parish, if the kid's weren't in school at Sts. Joachim and Ann, I probably could have switched parishes when we moved. I was thinking of how little I do at the school, how little I see the other moms or do anything social with them...I think I was just feeling really disconnected. I was downplaying the role my parish plays in my life. I have my Women's group, my friends, my family...where does my church fit in? For one, I'm within walking distance to another parish, St. Joe's. If only we were a part of that parish, we could have unlimited carpool options. Our kids would go to school with their neighbors. So why didn't we switch when we moved? Well, we had been members at J & A for 10 years, we liked the comfortable, down to earth atmosphere, we like the people there, our kids were making good friends and we'd only be 10 minutes away after the move. But yesterday, all these reasons didn't seem to important.
So this was the attitude I had...until I walked through the Chuck E Cheese doors. I saw a bunch of women with their kids who felt this fund raiser was important. Many came without their husbands because they were still at work. Many have 3, 4, more kids. I like these women. They are the PTO President, Vice-President, Secretary, Treasurer, Abby's coach, volunteers, rooms moms. These are people who I want to emulate...who I admire...who I want to be closer to. This was my soccer team! Our kids are in each others classes. Our toddlers will be in the same class when their turns come. This is part of the reason why I joined the soccer team. I do like soccer, but I also wanted to try to connect myself more to these women.
Having Ben and Mary has kinda isolated me from the social scene. I stay in my car at pick up so they don't cry. I don't volunteer for stuff because I'd have to get a babysitter. Soccer has been my effort to reinsert myself. God wants me at J&A. Even though I'm not doing anything right now...who knows what the future holds? I have yet to tap my potential. I really want to be a part of the school. I don't want to wait til Ben and Mary are in school and Sam and Abby are almost out. I want to do it soon! My mom and dad could help. Even if it's just once a week for a couple of hours in the library, or the computer room. How difficult could that be to arrange?
I feel the stirrings. Stirrings of change. More coming out of the cave.
Two nights ago I read about the Holy Family. My friend's husband was talking about Anne Catherine Emmerich who had visions of Jesus' life and before and after. These were detailed visions. Enough to take up four huge volumes. I have them on my shelf and have read most of the first one but find it hard to read these days. Anyway, after talking to him I was motivated to read them again. I pick up Volume 1 and read where I left off. It was Epiphany! We just celebrated it last Sunday and I was about to read it! Mary and Joseph spent a lot of time in the cave at Bethlehem after Jesus was born. It was like a big party with everyone visiting them and Kings giving them presents. The cave was their protected place. Eventually, they had to go out into the real world. A world full of Herods and other bad people. A world where Jesus was destined to suffer. I think Mary could have had an inkling of Jesus' fate. I'm sure she would have liked to stay in the cave. But they had to leave. They had a long, hard journey when they left the cave. But it was necessary. Jesus went on to change the world.
I'm ready to venture out more. I'm ready to feel more connected to my church and school. I just need God to lead me.
--Stroller for out of control toddler--Check!
--Sippy cups for those who shouldn't drink from the soda fountain--Check!
--Talk to the older ones telling them they would need to help me--Check!
--Diapers, wipes--Check!
--Attitude of accepting whatever comes--Check!
When I tell the kids we were going, they were so excited. They were more than happy to help with Ben and Mary....especially since it meant we could go. As soon as we got there, we ordered our pizza (regular price! I couldn't find a coupon! uggg), we got our katrillion tokens and went to find a table. I noticed my soccer mom friends all around the place. And when I say soccer moms, they are not only mom's of kids who play soccer, but they are on my indoor soccer team as well! It made me feel really good to see so many people I knew.
Just earlier that day I was saying to my neighbor, no I don't really feel that connected to my parish, if the kid's weren't in school at Sts. Joachim and Ann, I probably could have switched parishes when we moved. I was thinking of how little I do at the school, how little I see the other moms or do anything social with them...I think I was just feeling really disconnected. I was downplaying the role my parish plays in my life. I have my Women's group, my friends, my family...where does my church fit in? For one, I'm within walking distance to another parish, St. Joe's. If only we were a part of that parish, we could have unlimited carpool options. Our kids would go to school with their neighbors. So why didn't we switch when we moved? Well, we had been members at J & A for 10 years, we liked the comfortable, down to earth atmosphere, we like the people there, our kids were making good friends and we'd only be 10 minutes away after the move. But yesterday, all these reasons didn't seem to important.
So this was the attitude I had...until I walked through the Chuck E Cheese doors. I saw a bunch of women with their kids who felt this fund raiser was important. Many came without their husbands because they were still at work. Many have 3, 4, more kids. I like these women. They are the PTO President, Vice-President, Secretary, Treasurer, Abby's coach, volunteers, rooms moms. These are people who I want to emulate...who I admire...who I want to be closer to. This was my soccer team! Our kids are in each others classes. Our toddlers will be in the same class when their turns come. This is part of the reason why I joined the soccer team. I do like soccer, but I also wanted to try to connect myself more to these women.
Having Ben and Mary has kinda isolated me from the social scene. I stay in my car at pick up so they don't cry. I don't volunteer for stuff because I'd have to get a babysitter. Soccer has been my effort to reinsert myself. God wants me at J&A. Even though I'm not doing anything right now...who knows what the future holds? I have yet to tap my potential. I really want to be a part of the school. I don't want to wait til Ben and Mary are in school and Sam and Abby are almost out. I want to do it soon! My mom and dad could help. Even if it's just once a week for a couple of hours in the library, or the computer room. How difficult could that be to arrange?
I feel the stirrings. Stirrings of change. More coming out of the cave.
Two nights ago I read about the Holy Family. My friend's husband was talking about Anne Catherine Emmerich who had visions of Jesus' life and before and after. These were detailed visions. Enough to take up four huge volumes. I have them on my shelf and have read most of the first one but find it hard to read these days. Anyway, after talking to him I was motivated to read them again. I pick up Volume 1 and read where I left off. It was Epiphany! We just celebrated it last Sunday and I was about to read it! Mary and Joseph spent a lot of time in the cave at Bethlehem after Jesus was born. It was like a big party with everyone visiting them and Kings giving them presents. The cave was their protected place. Eventually, they had to go out into the real world. A world full of Herods and other bad people. A world where Jesus was destined to suffer. I think Mary could have had an inkling of Jesus' fate. I'm sure she would have liked to stay in the cave. But they had to leave. They had a long, hard journey when they left the cave. But it was necessary. Jesus went on to change the world.
I'm ready to venture out more. I'm ready to feel more connected to my church and school. I just need God to lead me.
Monday, January 09, 2006
Flashback Writing Day
This is the part of the show where I do a flashback to an old poem or journal entry (actual diary, not a blog). This one isn't too old. I wrote it while I was in the hospital with my Grandpa who was dying.
My Grandpa’s Hands
Written on his last night in the hospital 10/2/03
by his Granddaughter, Missy
Have you seen my Grandpa’s hands?
They may look swollen now
They used to hold me on his lap
And brush across my brow
These are my Grandpa’s hands
They’re mighty hands indeed
They may look wrinkled and weathered now
But once they bounced me on his knee
How I love my Grandpa’s hands
They’re warm and strong and good
They may now rest with little strength
But once they carved great things from wood
How I’ll miss my Grandpa’s hands
For now they stifle his cough
But once they loved the lake house and fishing
And enjoyed many rounds of golf
I’ll always remember my Grandpa’s hands
And this is what I’ll miss
The times he cupped my face in them
To give me an Eskimo kiss
Thank you God for Grandpa’s hands
And the ways they’ve served you too
These hands are old and tired now
So let them rest with You
My Grandpa’s Hands
Written on his last night in the hospital 10/2/03
by his Granddaughter, Missy
Have you seen my Grandpa’s hands?
They may look swollen now
They used to hold me on his lap
And brush across my brow
These are my Grandpa’s hands
They’re mighty hands indeed
They may look wrinkled and weathered now
But once they bounced me on his knee
How I love my Grandpa’s hands
They’re warm and strong and good
They may now rest with little strength
But once they carved great things from wood
How I’ll miss my Grandpa’s hands
For now they stifle his cough
But once they loved the lake house and fishing
And enjoyed many rounds of golf
I’ll always remember my Grandpa’s hands
And this is what I’ll miss
The times he cupped my face in them
To give me an Eskimo kiss
Thank you God for Grandpa’s hands
And the ways they’ve served you too
These hands are old and tired now
So let them rest with You
Sunday, January 08, 2006
Theresa and Me
Here's a picture of Theresa and me. It was taken the day we went out with our grade school friends. We had a great visit and as she left after our second visit, we made the usual promises to keep in better touch. We mean to, but it's hard. The cool thing about it is, it never seems like much time has passed whenever I see her again. It's like putting on an old glove that always fits no matter how long it's been since you've worn it last. Theresa always fits. I think that's why we'll always be good friends...despite not being the best correspondents.
I realized that I miscalculated when Ben would be in full-time school. It's only 3 years away! Suddenly, my trip to Australia doesn't feel so far in the future! 3 years! Of course, if I think about 3 years ago today and what I was doing....OMG, I was in a different life!! 3 years ago today, I was living in another house, with TWO kids! I was five months pregnant with Ben. We had just purchased a Boston Terrier and were reeling from the stress of his existence in our house. Sam was in 1st grade and Abby was in 3 year old preschool.
Where did those years go? In some ways they feel like they went by so fast but in others they feel so far away. Kids are a great barometer of time. All of their changes remind me that life is moving, swiftly.
A lot can happen in three years. Where will I be three years from now? I'll almost be 40. Ted and I will have been married 16 1/2 years. Sam will be 12, Abby will be 10, Ben will be 6, and Mary will be 4. I'll have three kids in full time school and one in preschool. I'll be enjoying some freedoms....but I can't help but think I'll also be wondering where the last three years went.
Wednesday, January 04, 2006
Year End Review
At the end of the year, I like to review everything that happened in the year, where I came from, and where I'm going. I can say with relief that I am happy this year is over and I survived with minimal scars. It wasn't an easy year for me. It would be hard to compare it to another difficult year because all challenges are different and it's hard to say one is more difficult than the other. I would venture to say, any challenge, as long as I have my husband and children by my side, can't be too unbearable. However, each challenge, as I'm going through it....feels the hardest. Let's recap:
January-- Chow chow chow chow chow...Just kidding.
--Adjusting to having a new baby. Excited that I had my fourth. Lifelong dream. I feel complete!
--Went on Women's Retreat...brought Mary. It was not a "retreat".
--Tore down ugly cedar beams (one on each wall and one in vault) in Family Room. Painted room and installed new, white baseboards.
--Ben had inflammation in the nose...goes on chewable antibiotics
--Mary throws up bile and has an ear infection in right ear.
--Dinner out with another couple.
February
--Trip to Florida and Disney World! Leave Ben with Grandparents. Take Sam, Abby & Mary.
--Ben has hives...it's a virus. Has rhinitus again (inflammation in the nose)...goes on chewable antibiotics again.
--Mary has a cold
--Mary has first cereal and baby food
--One date night with Ted
--Sam finishes up basketball
March
--Master bath fully renovated!
--One date night with Ted.
--Ben says about 10 words and a couple of phrases, "What's that?" and "Who's that?" at 22 months.
--Battle with weapiness, fatigue, desire to stay in bed and not come out, desire to ESCAPE!! Went on Zoloft.
--Mary cuts first tooth.
--Abby is congested and runs low fever.
--I turn 36.
April
--Mary cuts 2nd tooth
--Ben now says about 20 words
--Sam's First Communion!
--Abby plays t-ball
May
--Mary gets up on all fours!
--Ben turns two!!
--Two date nights--Wedding reception and Cardinal's Game
June
--Weekend Camping Trip to Carlyle Lake
--We decide that I can take a trip to Australia to visit Theresa...tentatively plan for Jan 2009
--Removed all rock from front beds, ripped out all overgrown landscaping.
--One date night with Ted
--Mary pulls herself up to a standing position. Cuts 3rd and 4th tooth.
--Sam dives off the diving board for the first time!
--Landscaped around back patio
--Ted turns 37
July
--Started BLOG!!
--Camping trip to Eminence, MO
--Mary waves
--Dad plants boxwoods, barberry, holly trees, False cypresses, Pieris', arborvitaes, knockout rose bushes, and ornamental tree...fully completing front landscaping.
--Help Mom and Dad find their new house!!!
--Mary cuts her fifth tooth
--Mary has stomach flu
--Dinner out with another couple
August
--Mary goes from all fours to standing!
--Sam runs a fever for about 3 days
--Ben runs a low fever for about 3 days
--Mary says about six words (ma ma, da da, hotdog, cup, night night, no no)
--One dinner and movie night with Ted
--Mary has a cold
--Mary cuts sixth and seventh tooth
--By end of the month, Mary took 3 steps
--Abby lost her two outer incisors
--Abby starts 1st grade and Sam starts 3rd grade
--Mary weans herself.
September
--Camping at Meramec State Park
--Abby turns 7 and gets her ears pierced!
--Mary takes 9 steps
--Abby joins Brownies and Sam joins the Cub Scouts
--Ben begins "Mother's Day Out" program
--I attend ACTS retreat
--Abby plays soccer
--Couples dinner night
--Mom starts playing indoor soccer (injured first game)
October
--Sam turns 9
--Ted goes on Golf Weekend
--Game night at friends
--Painted front doors
November
--I discontinue Zoloft
--I go on Crop Weekend
--Date night with Ted
--Dinner party with friends
--Mary turns ONE!!!
December
--Sam starts basketball
--Theresa comes in town
--Date night with Ted
--Ted, Abby, Mary and I get stomach virus
--Painted Abby's room
The beginning of this year was hard with a full carpool including 4 of my own kids. Anytime you have a newborn and toddler it's hard. I remember nursing in the car before the kids came out. I would bring drinks and snacks for the kids because carpool meant a full hour and 15 minutes in the car. I remember Ben and Mary crying at the same time and the tweens in my carpool would sit with stone faces. I would stress over it so much. One time Ben stuck a sucker stick down his throat and threw up. We had to sit in that stench til we got home. Me, my four kids and 3 tweens.
It was such a big deal for me then, but this school year it's a non-issue. Mary is older, Ben is older, and I only carpool with one other family (one 12 year old) and she lives in our neighborhood. God got me through it. It's odd to look back on a time...that seemed like it would never end. Now it's uneventfully passed. I've brought Mary to her first birthday and what an accomplishment that is!! Infants are so much work. I'm happy to be where we are now, and I look cheerfully ahead to where we are going.
Another difficult phase...camping with Ben!! It was horrible. We should have stayed home. Our day was spent trying to get him down for a nap. Mary got the pack n play and Ben had a regular bed. Two year old + regular bed with no rails = TROUBLE!! He was unhappy most of the time because he just wasn't at home. He didn't know what to do with himself. I think 2006 should bring better camping.
On Zoloft...off Zoloft...all in one year. The peaks and valleys still come...but they are easier. Mary is the one now that requires most of my focus. Ben happily plays with his trains all day and watches Thomas and Dora. Mary is clingy right now. But that will pass. I will eventually be free to do my cleaning and cooking without her wrapping herself around me, prohibiting movement.
New Years Resolution:
1) Invite people over more often. I love my one on one time with my sisters or my mom. I want to have them over more.
2) Spend more quality time with Abby and Sam. We've started "Special Time with Mom" and "Special Time with Dad" where once a month each one goes out with one of us for fast food or icecream. It's our time to talk and see where they are...how they're doing. They often get lost in the Ben and Mary sea. We also started game night on Wednesday nights. After Ben and Mary go down, we play a game of their choice before bed time.
3) Read scripture calendar every morning. Digest the words, think about them.
4) Catch up on Albums
Whew. I think that's it. It's going to be a good year. I can feel it.
January-- Chow chow chow chow chow...Just kidding.
--Adjusting to having a new baby. Excited that I had my fourth. Lifelong dream. I feel complete!
--Went on Women's Retreat...brought Mary. It was not a "retreat".
--Tore down ugly cedar beams (one on each wall and one in vault) in Family Room. Painted room and installed new, white baseboards.
--Ben had inflammation in the nose...goes on chewable antibiotics
--Mary throws up bile and has an ear infection in right ear.
--Dinner out with another couple.
February
--Trip to Florida and Disney World! Leave Ben with Grandparents. Take Sam, Abby & Mary.
--Ben has hives...it's a virus. Has rhinitus again (inflammation in the nose)...goes on chewable antibiotics again.
--Mary has a cold
--Mary has first cereal and baby food
--One date night with Ted
--Sam finishes up basketball
March
--Master bath fully renovated!
--One date night with Ted.
--Ben says about 10 words and a couple of phrases, "What's that?" and "Who's that?" at 22 months.
--Battle with weapiness, fatigue, desire to stay in bed and not come out, desire to ESCAPE!! Went on Zoloft.
--Mary cuts first tooth.
--Abby is congested and runs low fever.
--I turn 36.
April
--Mary cuts 2nd tooth
--Ben now says about 20 words
--Sam's First Communion!
--Abby plays t-ball
May
--Mary gets up on all fours!
--Ben turns two!!
--Two date nights--Wedding reception and Cardinal's Game
June
--Weekend Camping Trip to Carlyle Lake
--We decide that I can take a trip to Australia to visit Theresa...tentatively plan for Jan 2009
--Removed all rock from front beds, ripped out all overgrown landscaping.
--One date night with Ted
--Mary pulls herself up to a standing position. Cuts 3rd and 4th tooth.
--Sam dives off the diving board for the first time!
--Landscaped around back patio
--Ted turns 37
July
--Started BLOG!!
--Camping trip to Eminence, MO
--Mary waves
--Dad plants boxwoods, barberry, holly trees, False cypresses, Pieris', arborvitaes, knockout rose bushes, and ornamental tree...fully completing front landscaping.
--Help Mom and Dad find their new house!!!
--Mary cuts her fifth tooth
--Mary has stomach flu
--Dinner out with another couple
August
--Mary goes from all fours to standing!
--Sam runs a fever for about 3 days
--Ben runs a low fever for about 3 days
--Mary says about six words (ma ma, da da, hotdog, cup, night night, no no)
--One dinner and movie night with Ted
--Mary has a cold
--Mary cuts sixth and seventh tooth
--By end of the month, Mary took 3 steps
--Abby lost her two outer incisors
--Abby starts 1st grade and Sam starts 3rd grade
--Mary weans herself.
September
--Camping at Meramec State Park
--Abby turns 7 and gets her ears pierced!
--Mary takes 9 steps
--Abby joins Brownies and Sam joins the Cub Scouts
--Ben begins "Mother's Day Out" program
--I attend ACTS retreat
--Abby plays soccer
--Couples dinner night
--Mom starts playing indoor soccer (injured first game)
October
--Sam turns 9
--Ted goes on Golf Weekend
--Game night at friends
--Painted front doors
November
--I discontinue Zoloft
--I go on Crop Weekend
--Date night with Ted
--Dinner party with friends
--Mary turns ONE!!!
December
--Sam starts basketball
--Theresa comes in town
--Date night with Ted
--Ted, Abby, Mary and I get stomach virus
--Painted Abby's room
The beginning of this year was hard with a full carpool including 4 of my own kids. Anytime you have a newborn and toddler it's hard. I remember nursing in the car before the kids came out. I would bring drinks and snacks for the kids because carpool meant a full hour and 15 minutes in the car. I remember Ben and Mary crying at the same time and the tweens in my carpool would sit with stone faces. I would stress over it so much. One time Ben stuck a sucker stick down his throat and threw up. We had to sit in that stench til we got home. Me, my four kids and 3 tweens.
It was such a big deal for me then, but this school year it's a non-issue. Mary is older, Ben is older, and I only carpool with one other family (one 12 year old) and she lives in our neighborhood. God got me through it. It's odd to look back on a time...that seemed like it would never end. Now it's uneventfully passed. I've brought Mary to her first birthday and what an accomplishment that is!! Infants are so much work. I'm happy to be where we are now, and I look cheerfully ahead to where we are going.
Another difficult phase...camping with Ben!! It was horrible. We should have stayed home. Our day was spent trying to get him down for a nap. Mary got the pack n play and Ben had a regular bed. Two year old + regular bed with no rails = TROUBLE!! He was unhappy most of the time because he just wasn't at home. He didn't know what to do with himself. I think 2006 should bring better camping.
On Zoloft...off Zoloft...all in one year. The peaks and valleys still come...but they are easier. Mary is the one now that requires most of my focus. Ben happily plays with his trains all day and watches Thomas and Dora. Mary is clingy right now. But that will pass. I will eventually be free to do my cleaning and cooking without her wrapping herself around me, prohibiting movement.
New Years Resolution:
1) Invite people over more often. I love my one on one time with my sisters or my mom. I want to have them over more.
2) Spend more quality time with Abby and Sam. We've started "Special Time with Mom" and "Special Time with Dad" where once a month each one goes out with one of us for fast food or icecream. It's our time to talk and see where they are...how they're doing. They often get lost in the Ben and Mary sea. We also started game night on Wednesday nights. After Ben and Mary go down, we play a game of their choice before bed time.
3) Read scripture calendar every morning. Digest the words, think about them.
4) Catch up on Albums
Whew. I think that's it. It's going to be a good year. I can feel it.
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